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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I'd got more Christmas presents?

137 replies

ArcticCactus · 26/12/2015 00:03

There was an unpleasant moment Xmas morning where I was happily doling out the gifts from under the tree and enjoying watching people open them.

"Oh you open one" said dh.
..."um, there aren't any for me" I said.
Awkward silence.

But there weren't. Dh got me one small thing he'd made me point at in a panic on the 23rd. No card.
Neither sibling got me anything.
The in law side didn't get me anything
Ds gets a pass because he's tiny, but aibu to feel really sad about this? We can afford it, and no one seems to have thought of me. I'm not expecting diamonds. I spent considerable time an effort getting people thoughtful gifts and posting them. I'd dropped hints about things I'd like. Mine expensive, or hard to find (new photo album, address book sort of thing.)

I'm an expat, I don't really have any friends in my new country and no one from the uk has bothered to keep in touch. No cards, no FB messages, nowt.

I feel invisible, unloved and upset. I know Xmas is about more than gifts by I feel the effort has been all one sided. Am I being precious or would this upset you ?

OP posts:
CastaDiva · 26/12/2015 00:31

But who were you expecting presents from other than your husband, who did give you one, and your son who is too small, if you don't have close friends in the country you live in? Or are you saying you were in your home country surrounded by family and friends for Christmas? Or that you expected people to post your presents overseas?

I also live in a country other than my home country, and didn't have a single present to open today. It hadn't occurred to me to be upset about it. But then neither do I buy presents for people other than my son, so I don't feel short-changed. Should you be putting your emotional energy into making friends in your country of residence, rather than buying presents? Do people usually reciprocate?

CastaDiva · 26/12/2015 00:32

Oh, and would you really expect a card from your husband? It seems odd when you live in the same house, no?

ohtheholidays · 26/12/2015 00:32

Oh Arctic that is bloody awful,I hope all the adults there that you bought for feel bloody awful,that's really selfish and I hope your husband gives himself a kick up the arse as well.

Honestly my DH has just said the same as me that if any of our 3 DS did that to they're wifes/partners when they're older he'd go mad at them and so would I and the same as me he said neither of us would ever turn up without a gift for everyone that we were seeing on Christmas day.

OP I would use the lack of thought or feeling today to tell your DH that he needs to start making an effort for Christmas,your Anniversary and Birthday and what ever else you celebrate.

Treating the one you love the most is a normal part of life and relationships.

charlestonchaplin · 26/12/2015 00:33

You say you're an expat. Did you spend Christmas in the UK and are your in-laws British? Obviously, there are many countries who do not exchange gifts in the same way at Christmas, so I am not sure if this is a factor here.

It seems that you have a longstanding disappointment at the (lack of) thought your husband puts into special occasions. It's sad that you need to speak about it, but nothing may change if you don't.

icandothis64 · 26/12/2015 00:33

I get you artic. It's not about the present. It's about the fact you would have liked someone to have spared a thought for you. Perfectly reasonable.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 00:34

That is shit, I hope all of them where ashamed. I would be having serious word with dh so it does not happen again. He needs to remind his parents to get you something if you are seeing them for Christmas. He shoukd have gotten you something nice too. Right tomorrow, leave ds with yiur dh, treat yourself to something nice that you can afford.

TPel · 26/12/2015 00:36

It is heartbreaking. I hope 2016 is happier for you OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 00:37

I presume in laws bought dh lots if presents and DC and nothing for op, which is shit and thoughtless.

emotionsecho · 26/12/2015 00:37

This is the second no gift thread I've read on here today and in both of them the OP has put in time and effort to buy gifts for everyone else. I just don't understand how people can be so utterly thoughtless and nasty, Christmas and birthdays are hardly surprise events sprung on people at the last minute.

I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from saying something and shaming them all and, if practical, I would have gone out and left them to it. I would certainly never make any effort for them in the future. It would be the first and last time my dh ever did it.

So sorry you are amongst people who are so awful, OP, there are no excuses for itFlowers.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 00:39

If they did not know what you like, they shoukd have asked dh. My in laws live abroad and they sent gifts over for both dh and myself. Nothing expensive, a box of my favourite chocolates, and the Minion movie which I wanted. They asked dh what I wanted.

dublingirl48653 · 26/12/2015 00:40

i got a costa gift card that was obvs for someone else but regifted

used to not getting presents
dontmind

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 00:42

Op I woukd have said in a loud voice, "oh deary me, I don't have any presents, I winder why, when dh has so many" and embRass the lit of them. Right I'm off to the shops to treat myself, have a nice Christmas, I'll leave you to it"

banff82 · 26/12/2015 00:43

I don't think you're being silly or unreasonable at all. I'm really sorry you didn't have any presents today, that is utterly shitty and in your position I would be gutted. I don't understand how people can be so thoughtless either - I honestly wish I could give you a real present but have some Chocolate and Wine and Flowers

annandale · 26/12/2015 00:49

Oh i'd be really gutted at that. Especially as your dh has to know that it's not easy moving countries and it's a time for a bit of support, otherwise known as heavy prompting to inlaws and siblings of the 'Arctic would really like X, Y or Z as a present if you're wondering' sort.

Horrible as well that your UK friends aren't currently in touch. It looks as if 2016 should be about making friends in your new country.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2015 00:55

ArcticCactus that is totally crap and I am very sorry for you.

I think the fact your dh looked mildly horrified is a good sign, it means he realised how bad it was to not buy you a personal gift. Is he the same nationality as you? Does he have the same expectations about Christmas as you do?

I am afraid I take matters into my own hands with dh and I choose, in some cases order and in many cases actually buy small items which I leave in the bed propped on the pillow in the weeks before Christmas for him to 'give' me in my Christmas stocking, and he does the same. He also adds items and so do I.

MudCity · 26/12/2015 00:55

Hopefully, that mild horror experienced by your DH will spur him into action in future.

I am so sorry you went through that today.

I hope people express their thanks for the presents you bought them at the very least. Doesn't make it better but I would hope people realise they have not reciprocated and find a way of making it up to you.

It's not about the actual present is it? It's about feeling acknowledged and of importance.

TendonQueen · 26/12/2015 01:00

Stuff buying things for yourself. I'd be saying 'Right, none of you thought to get me even a small thing and that doesn't seem very fair given that I do it for you. Why don't you go out in the sales and find some of the small things I'd like as late presents?' Make them actually bloody think about it, not feel guilty but then brush it off. Or this will happen again next year and every other birthday and anniversary.

AlwaysBeYourself · 26/12/2015 01:01

Well I think your DH should have made sure that you had a little pile of presents for you to open. Not very thoughtful of him at all to have not planned this for you. Is your relationship ok?

Watchatalltimes · 26/12/2015 01:02

YANBU. That's awful. Your dh should feel ashamed of himself as well as your in-laws. Hopefully you can treat yourself to some nice stuff in the sales. In the meantime have some Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2015 01:05

ArcticCactus as you have identified a number of things have contributed to this it's not just your dh, although I am guessing he is a big part of it... maybe... in your shoes this would be how I would feel...

Your dh and you probably need to discuss it a bit and he needs to come up with a fabulous treat for you to make up for it (I'm thinking spa day etc/jewellery) and he needs to not forget again! Ever!

Your dh should maybe explain to his family that although the gift for him was lovely, thank you, it was not really for you and you felt left out. You may not wish to make a fuss, which is your choice, but if this is not challenged they may well do this for ever more and continue to make you feel rather sad.

My auntie never bought for dh (until this year, we've been married 14 years!) but she sends money and we (my sis and I) buy for her and me, my Mum, and for the kids - the two hubbies never minded so we never said anything. She always sent money so if we had wanted to include dh and BIL we could have but ds and B-I-L were fine and said spend it on yourself and the kids!

My mum in-law started buying me a scent that gave me a headache, I wasn't going to mention it until dh said if I did not say anything, but thank you, MIL would probably do it every year, so I told her. I love her, she is like a second mum, and she was not offended. Sometimes honestly is the best policy.

Some times not.

In my view it is not one thing is right or wrong it is just if something is upsetting or unhelpful it is best to know, if not, then not!

As far as your siblings I guess you can either accept it and spend the money you spent on them next year on yourself, or again, tell them. I am a great believer n honesty is the best policy if it will be helpful but I may be wrong!

Lastly, new friends, please do make some wherever you are, it's not easy I know. I've been an international student and an ex-pat too. But really when one is an expat one needs to go the extra mile to get into situations to meet new people. I lived where the ex pat community constantly changed so I did sports like tennis and badminton, sometimes on a Saturday morning, and language classes, and managed to meet new people through the English language school, local church and international society etc. I was not a new mum, with a baby in tow, but even so, there might be ways to meet other mums with babies or do some activities when dh can have baby.

It just looks like you are ploughing time and energy into everyone but you, and that is not a good long term strategy for you.

Good luck OP, if we were friends on Facebook I'd be sending you message... bless you.

Mmmmcake123 · 26/12/2015 01:15

I really feel for you and yadnbu. It takes a lot of thinking, organising and practical work to make Christmas special! Tbh I've had a fair few shoddy Christmas days and it almost takes the life and spirit out of you, Cinderella but no ball to nip off to is how I've felt.
Good luck with trying to explain to dh, him being bothered is a good sign. I've generally had to entertain comments such as, I really don't understand what the fuss is all about.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2015 01:16

TendonQueen re Stuff buying things for yourself.

It's true about buying things for yourself, actually, I don't mind doing it as dh does it too, for things for me to give him, as we are practical people, but the things that mean the most are the ones he chose, which are not a lot of items!

Presents mean more to some people than others, we experience love in different ways, some folks are not so worried about gifts and that means they may not realise others really need them as a tangible expression of love. Maybe buy your DH a copy of The 5 love languages...

www.5lovelanguages.com/

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2015 01:17

or make him buy his own copy!

DaisyChain87 · 26/12/2015 01:23

YANBU! Maybe next year speak to your DH in advance about a budget for each other's gifts? Hopefully today will shock him into action though! Flowers

bettyberry · 26/12/2015 01:31

I could've cried today too. It was pretty crap anyway but the only gift I got to open was from a friend. I was sad, not because it was a pair of socks stuffed with little xmassy themed treats like gold choc coins and a silly xmas decoration, but because she is so so broke yet she still made a bleeding effort to send me something.

It has been like this for years for me now. Birthday too which was only a few weeks ago so its become a tradition for me to go mad in the sales. I save some cash through the year then splurge on me. Totally on me. Its sad that i have to buy my own presents but at the same time I'm a grown up and its just become something I have to do.

DC gets xmas day. I get all the parcels that arrive after.