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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I'd got more Christmas presents?

137 replies

ArcticCactus · 26/12/2015 00:03

There was an unpleasant moment Xmas morning where I was happily doling out the gifts from under the tree and enjoying watching people open them.

"Oh you open one" said dh.
..."um, there aren't any for me" I said.
Awkward silence.

But there weren't. Dh got me one small thing he'd made me point at in a panic on the 23rd. No card.
Neither sibling got me anything.
The in law side didn't get me anything
Ds gets a pass because he's tiny, but aibu to feel really sad about this? We can afford it, and no one seems to have thought of me. I'm not expecting diamonds. I spent considerable time an effort getting people thoughtful gifts and posting them. I'd dropped hints about things I'd like. Mine expensive, or hard to find (new photo album, address book sort of thing.)

I'm an expat, I don't really have any friends in my new country and no one from the uk has bothered to keep in touch. No cards, no FB messages, nowt.

I feel invisible, unloved and upset. I know Xmas is about more than gifts by I feel the effort has been all one sided. Am I being precious or would this upset you ?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/12/2015 08:26

Your siblings are shit
Your inlaws are twats
Your dh is the worst! The least he can do now is buy you something lovely this week and have a word with his useless family about leaving you out! What is wrong with them?

Ginslinger · 26/12/2015 08:36

Arctic - Flowers
I'm sorry you were sad - italiangreyhound speaks sense. Have a hug

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 08:43

Arctic so they do place a lot of value on Christmas, just not on you op! How sad. Next year don't make an effort, a card and a box of chocolates or just leave it to your dh to sort his family out. For a family who are Christmas obsessed, this is absolutely shit. I would sit down with your dh and tell him how you felt, and that you were upset and felt humiliated, next time you do not want a repeat of this year, he is to remind his family to get you a present. God its awful if you have to do that, he should automactically do that! While you are at it, tell him that you expect a nice present for your birthday and anniversary too.

witsender · 26/12/2015 08:44

The fact that you are currently an expat should make people, esp your DH try harder not less!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 08:45

Rainbowstardrops What did you do about the party, did you go aswell, I would have rocked up with dh and the dcs, and said oh my invite must have gotten lost in the post!

ChatEnOeuf · 26/12/2015 08:48

That sucks! Are you seeing your siblings sometime soon? Maybe they are waiting until then...

Your in-laws sound horrid Sad - I agree with PPs, their gifts, cards, everything are all your DH's responsibility now. And he should be treating you to something wonderful this week.

I've done the expat thing, it's not easy, this must sting Flowers

FlatOnTheHill · 26/12/2015 09:05

Oh bless you OP. Big hug. Sorry this happened. More thought from him is needed i think.

CalleighDoodle · 26/12/2015 09:08

My exh slowly stopped acknowledging christmas birthdays valentines day and anniversaries. I had friends tell me i was bu and they dont celebrate those either. But actually they did. Their husbands did something special on those days, like breakfast in bed, time together doing something nice and they also got random flowers (posted on fb) or trips away on random days in the year. I got none of this. Exh had just stopped doing anything apart from the day to day. I was upset all the time at being ignored. He was generally thoughtless towards me. Whenever i brought it up he would apologise and say he would make it up to me and we would have a night out together (the other thing that used to upset me was we never went out together). That never happened either. He just used to put it off and put it off until i was so far past it was forgotten. He is a procrastinator generally. He was also a massive arse with me.

I honestly think you need to talk about why he has stopped acknowledging these special days. If it is just uselessness, send a list of a number of things for him to choose from each time.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 26/12/2015 09:10

Hugs from me too. Hopefully your DH has had the kick he needs. He now knows that the magic Christmas fairy that makes everything happen with no effort on his part doesn't exist.

Some people aren't good at exciting surprise presents though so why not give your DH a long list to pick from. It's worked for me ever since I got the same present (bought hurriedly on Christmas Eve) three years in a row! The ideas range from £2-3 to over £200 but it gets over the 'no ideas' issue and I still don't know what I getting.

TendonQueen · 26/12/2015 09:15

I feel very strongly that just buying stuff for yourself instead, or 'readjusting your expectations' should not be the way to deal with this because it basically says 'It's ok not to treat me as you want to be treated. I am worth less than you and don't deserve presents as you do'. It is not expensive to take a couple of hours of shopping time and buy a book, CD, t shirt, bottle of bubble bath even for someone. Women should not accept that even small things like that are 'too much effort'. Ask your husband directly why he doesn't buy things for you on special days. Tell him you want that to change. Don't just let this continue.

TendonQueen · 26/12/2015 09:16

And I agree that a list of possible presents is a good approach. No excuses then.

Moln · 26/12/2015 09:30

Artic will you do something for us all; ask your husband 'when you said "you open something" what exactly did you expect me to open? Especially considering you knew, I presume, that you had got me nothing at all.'

giraffesCantDoThat · 26/12/2015 09:36

Yanbu that's crap. X

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/12/2015 09:42

I certainly wouldn't be buying for his side again IIWY. Dh can do it all, and if there's embarrassment on the day you can say 'There was nothing for me last year, I thought we weren't bothering this'.

My dh used to be shite at gifts too - several birthdays running without anything. It took quite a major upset for it to get through to him. But he is fab now, although he is really not a 'gifty' person and is not really into getting gifts himself. He gets it. It's an important way of showing love, care and appreciation. YANBU, it is very hurtful.

midnightsunshine · 26/12/2015 09:51

That's a shame, sorry you're upset. Your DH should have made more effort!

DH and I decided not to do presents this year and I admit it felt a bit flat without them (my suggestion not his, as I couldn't think of anything I wanted, DS is only 3months so can't unwrap anything, and family live far away). I know I'll get presents from parents and siblings when we visit them in Jan but it still feels odd not to open anything on Xmas Day.

Next year I suggest you give him a list, or get your own and give them to him to wrap!

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2015 10:03

aeroflotgirl I told DH I couldn't stop him going but hell would freeze over before I allowed my DC to go.

I'd had a 'falling out' with them over their continuous twattish behaviour that I'd ignored for twenty years but then spoke up about. Seems they didn't like that Grin

I am now totally NC with them. Twats.

gleegeek · 26/12/2015 10:06

Spending Christmas with family - my dsis hardly had anything to open. Nothing from her in laws or husband. I felt so sad for her and embarrassed that the rest of us had more to unwrap. OP YADNBU and you definitely need to make your dh aware of how it makes you feel. Flowers Flowers and Chocolate Chocolate

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2015 10:14

Dh is totally to blame here. He should be buying you something from him
And something from your ds Angry

Inlaws should ideally get you something if got dh a pressie

Tbh I wouldn't bother buying your siblings anything

You don't give to receive but they obv don't care /appreciate what you buy them so don't bother

I hope dh today is feeling bad and suggests going out to get you something

And he also doesn't get you a card /pressie for your birthday? Shock

Flossiesmummy · 26/12/2015 10:21

You have every right to be upset. You're not sad about the lack of stuff, you're sad about the lack of care or effort from any of your loved ones. Their actions imply that they couldn't be bothered and while that might not be true, I'm sure that's how you feel.

Sending love and virtual chocolate Chocolate

rollonthesummer · 26/12/2015 10:26

Your DH normally doesn't buy for you for birthday/anniversary-Is that right? So really, this wasn't a great surprise that he hadn't bothered?

I'm a bit confused by why he asked you to open a present, knowing he hadn't got you one and then why he looked mortified when he knew he never normally buys you any presents anyway?!

Do in laws usually buy for you?

Surely you've talked about this since? Have you asked 'who did you expect to have bought me a present?' Has he said 'I can't believe this has happened, I am so sorry'

?

noeffingidea · 26/12/2015 10:39

Your inlaws are twats. I can't imagine buying for my son and leaving my daughter in law out. If they really can't think of anything you might like they could have at least bought you a gift card for a nice shop.
Surely your husband must know what toiletries, perfume, music you listen to, or have some inkling of what your interests are? So at least he can get you something, even if it isn't the exact thing you would have chosen for yourself.

noeffingidea · 26/12/2015 10:47

I would suggest making a wishlist, OP with quite a few things on it. Anyone that doesn't buy something for you from that is showing that they can't be arsed and in return cross them off your list. If you end up just buying for your son then so be it.
Really hope your husband at least realises he should make the effort and buy you a nice birthday present.

Dixiechickonhols · 26/12/2015 10:50

YANBU
I'd buy for your ds and dh only next year.

LeNouedDeViperes · 26/12/2015 10:50

I'm confused too, who did your DH expect had bought you a present?

rollonthesummer · 26/12/2015 10:54

YANBU I'd buy for your ds and dh only next year.

I think l'd be leaving DH off the list if he doesn't buy OP birthday, anniversary or Christmas presents!!