To wish I'd got more Christmas presents?

[ArcticCactus]

There was an unpleasant moment Xmas morning where I was happily doling out the gifts from under the tree and enjoying watching people open them.

"Oh you open one" said dh.
..."um, there aren't any for me" I said.
Awkward silence.

But there weren't. Dh got me one small thing he'd made me point at in a panic on the 23rd. No card.
Neither sibling got me anything.
The in law side didn't get me anything
Ds gets a pass because he's tiny, but aibu to feel really sad about this? We can afford it, and no one seems to have thought of me. I'm not expecting diamonds. I spent considerable time an effort getting people thoughtful gifts and posting them. I'd dropped hints about things I'd like. Mine expensive, or hard to find (new photo album, address book sort of thing.)

I'm an expat, I don't really have any friends in my new country and no one from the uk has bothered to keep in touch. No cards, no FB messages, nowt.

I feel invisible, unloved and upset. I know Xmas is about more than gifts by I feel the effort has been all one sided. Am I being precious or would this upset you ?

I think some people just feel out off buying gifts for every last adult in their life. I'd hate to have to buy for too many people. I don't like receiving gifts really either unless it's specific things I've specified.

I have one BFF who is good at buying me little random things I actually like. I guess what I'm trying to say is excuse your ILs for not buying you anything. BUT please stop buying for them. Let your dh sort it. Same for your siblings. Make an effort to speak and stay in touch but don't send gifts.

Also if your dh doesn't want to buy you gifts don't buy for him.

I think you need to adjust your expectations about gift giving and receiving.

Also it's not that people don't care for you. I bet they do, but they are busy and you are far away. Focus in finding new friends where you are.

Sorry to hear that, Betty.

His family are Christmas obsessed though - they have multiple round emails about what to get each other.

I will readjust my expectations. They weren't terribly high to begin with tbh. A card, book tokens etc. I'm hardly ms demanding.

You shouldn't readjust your expectations, readjust theirs and treat them as they have you.

Have a serious conversation with your dh, if he's truly shocked and embarrassed then he needs to speak to his family and make it clear that he expects his wife to be treated far, far better.

He needs to take a long, hard look at himself too and accept his behaviour was no better and not repeat it.

Srry OP. YANBU. It's not that you're demanding stacks of gifts, you just want to know someone cares.

DH got me a new phone but it isn't here yet so he gave me a picture of it, and some wine and a package of coffee that I love. It wasn't much and I know he just bought it on Christmas Eve, but I know we're skint right now and he DID think of me. That's all you want. I get it.

I do feel sorry for you.. and empathise. I've had the same and was just astonished as well as hurt. I think being nice to yourself is very important. Put something back in your love tanks. Do LOVELY things make a list and tick some off the list ASAP.

Perhaps ask DH could he get you a nice present as you are feeling rather sad that no-one really paid much attention to you. Big hugs.

ArcticCactus I really do not think you have high expectations at all, a gift from your dh, inlaws and sibs is pretty basic.

The fact your sibs did not buy for you is hurtful if they had not said in advance that they would not be buying this year (assuming they usually buy for you).

You really do not sound demanding at all.

Poor you, that is really disappointing! You actually sound relatively easy to buy for, they should feel embarrassed!

As the posters said above next year I would say to your husband what your present budget is for each other before Christmas. And pick something that costs a bit so he remembers for the future that you expect your primary present from him.

Leave out the in laws.its crazy for you to be buying for them when you are not on their list. We buy and receive joint presents from the in laws- we suggest books, DVDs or food. So easy to get stuff really.

This happened to me last year. It's like people forget that you exist because you have moved away. I was very upset last year and I think people realised because this year they made an effort to get in touch. Not bothered about gifts too much but it was the feeling like I didn't exist anymore that upset me. I'm sure next year will be better.

Thats shit. Don't readjust your expectations, I hope they feel bloody guilty. I wouldn't bother to buy for them again. I know its in the giving, not receiving, but equally they all just took. Not nice. Have a virtual bunch of . I know they are not real and you can't put them in a vase, but you bloomin well deserve some.

Thats really awful, I feel for you. Hopefully your husband has got a massive boot up his arse and it won't happen again. My experience with emigrating and gift buying and getting is that it is difficult and expensive for people to send and receive gifts, so many don't bother. We are lucky in that we get gifts from family at Xmas, but birthdays we usually get cash. The parcels people do make the effort to send, even if isn't done every year, are even more treasured though. I do hope your husband picks you up something lovely in the sales to make you smile.

YANBU. Not at all.

I'm sorry so little thought and effort was made towards you.
I am also an expat so understand completely. I know the day has already passed but I wanted to send you a huge hug and wish you a Merry Christmas.

It truly is shit. As someone who emigrated several years ago, I HAVE had to readjust my expectations.

I expect NOTHING from my family NOW, and get exactly that!

Not even a facebook message/skype message from my DAD, of all people. I don't get anything for my birthday from them either (facebook happy birthday, but then, fb reminds them, doens't it). Nothing when dd2 was born.

No, you shouldn't HAVE to readjust, but it is definitely less painful when you do.

Saying that, dh's family more then make up for it, though.

I sympathise, op. It is shit.

*than

Arctic, all of that sounds horrible and hopefully next year will be different for you present wise. I also hope you'll ask yourself why people/husband think its ok to treat you this way.

As for the rest of it - could you maybe have a good think and try to find things to do that will help you settle into your new life a bit more.

I know its hard, really hard, but if you don't try to improve on things no one will do it for you.

I hope 2016 is better for you.

YANBU

I didn't get anything for my birthday either. Or our anniversary. Even a card would have done.

Hi OP - my husband is like this too. I never get anything for Birthdays from him - or Christmas usually except this year he printed an enlarged photo of my Mum out and framed it (one for me and one for my sister).

I guess present buying is wife work but I hope your dh got the message. Your in-laws sound mean. Mine don't get me anything either but it doesn't matter because we only do gifts for the kids in his half of the family. It would be different if they got dh and the dc loads of stuff. I would relegate all future buying for them to your dh.

Everyone being sneery, why would you send a card you live in the same house and it's silly to be sad no gift, are not helping the OP. She is not in the wrong to feel upset that her husband doesn't care enough to buy a gift and she is not being demanding to hope for a card. I say merry Christmas to the till staff. I send my husband and children cards. It's normal to do so. Shows love and care but really, it doesn't matter what I do, it matters that the OP is sad and would have liked a gift from the man who is supposed to love her more than anyone.

OP did you ask your husband who he thought the presents would be off for you to open given he bought you nothing but a small thoughtless gift? Thoughtless in that he waited until two days before Christmas to buy something and you had to pick it yourself.

Your dh is wrong t not get you anything, even bubble bath from your dd would have been welcomed as a token gift. He should make up for it in sales.

I think you've let him get away with not buying for birthday etc so he now does not think he has to make the effort or check his family have bought for you. You need to address this issue pronto if you ever want it to change.

Good luck

YANBU at all. I would be so embarrassed to be sat at Christmas with everyone else opening presents from my husband and getting nothing myself. How do you forget to buy your own WIFE something for Christmas? I'm on your behalf, OP.

Don't re-adjust your expectations - re-adjust your husbands appalling attitude! I would be fuming and would be sitting him down to have a chat. Why the hell should you spend time and effort buying him and his family something when they buy nothing for you in return?

I mean, how do you forget your wife/DIL/mother of your grandson when it comes to buying Christmas gifts?!

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP. It's totally shite.

I had the same a couple of years ago, not a single present - along with watching my dc open an envelope from their grandfather that was an invitation for a party where DH, DS and DD were invited. That was a pretty shite Christmas Day.

I think you need to have a talk with your DH and ask why he doesn't buy you anything for Christmas, birthdays or anniversaries. It's just not on when he knows you make the effort.

I suggest you grab the credit card and buy yourself a nice treat to cheer you up!

Have some virtual presents from me

Did your DH say anything about it after??