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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't wait to give away my presents

163 replies

HopsNim · 25/12/2015 23:06

Is this terrible? As I get older I just find I'm way more particular about the stuff I like. Also I HATE clutter and I've been trying to only keep things that I love or that are useful in the house.

I rarely keep any presents I get, around 90% get re gifted or sent to charity shop. It means I really treasure the lovely stuff (this year: posh towels from dsis; organic face cream MIL; diamond necklace DP; Molton brown bits from BIL and new books and wine from DM. And it doesn't get missed in the sea of Bayliss & Harding-esque gift sets (label snob Grin), festive socks/hats/scarves, photo frames and ornaments that I shall be dispensing of on Monday.

OP posts:
TwentyOneGuns · 26/12/2015 08:03

I do get where you're coming from actually but your thread title could have been better!

I also despise clutter and as we're seriously lacking in storage space my heart does sink a bit at having to find room for some of the stuff we're given, especially as much of it is things i wouldn't choose myself. It depresses me slightly that friends and family don't know the sort of thing I'd actually like (not necessarily expensive) without being given a list of suggestions (only if they ask obviously) but not sure there's much I can do about it.

The thing is though, gift giving is (or should be) as much about the giver as the recipient. People have hopefully chosen these things for you because they think you'll appreciate them (or maybe they chucked them in the trolley as they were rushing round Tesco, who knows) so you have to try and accept them gracefully because doing that will make the giver feel good. (I know you said that you do this).

Tbh I find the whole present giving thing a bit of a pain these days. It can seem like swapping stuff neither of you really wants or needs just because convention dictates it but if you suggest an alternative you come across as churlish and mean. I work in the gift industry and the amount of crap stuff I see that is destined for the charity shop really annoys me. Things like chocolates and smellies don't even seem like a treat these days because they're cheap and easily available all year round but we exchange them because that's what you're supposed to do.

I could rant for ages about this so best to leave it there except to say YANBU to feel like you do but YABU in the way you worded your post and to be thinking that way 24 hours after receiving your presents. I think you have to at least appear grateful and recognise how lucky you are to get presents of any kind, it's easy to forget how many people don't.

Playthegameout · 26/12/2015 08:17

Op I have to say you've tried to pair down your original aibu a fair bit. In 5 pages you've gone from a diamond necklace to a sparkly pretend diamond, that your kids chose. You've also gone from "label snob", Molton Brown lover to liking a good old dove set! Maybe if you'd have been honest in your op you wouldn't have come across so twatty.

awfullyproper · 26/12/2015 08:25

It's a shame you sound so horrible in your OP.
Lots of us are drowning in 'stuff'.
Instead of giving away the gifts that did not make the grade, tell people not to give you stuff. Ask for a donation to a charity, or an Oxfam goat, ask for tickets, or ask for nothing. Most will understand.

Shutthatdoor · 26/12/2015 08:35

So you want gifts that people have thought about, but want to regift stuff that you have put no thought into.

YANBU

sandgrown · 26/12/2015 08:40

Last year my DP bought me an iron for Christmas. It was nearly re-used as a murder weapon!

Ragwort · 26/12/2015 08:41

I understand what you are trying to say but why is it so hard for adults to just say 'let's not exchange gifts this year' - either suggest a treat you can all enjoy like a meal out or theatre trip, donating to charity or just not buying anything?

I have managed to say that with all my family and friends and, as far as I know, no one is offended. Confused. As my parents and brother were staying with us this year we did have a £5 rule - and preferably something from a charity shop or similar and all had great fun choosing things that cost under £5. Yes, some of it might go back to a charity shop but at least vast sums of money weren't wasted.

Ragwort · 26/12/2015 08:43

sand - but we are all different, personally I was delighted the year my DH bought be a really good, heavy duty frying pan. Grin.

I absolutely don't mind a practical gift, if I want something 'luxurious' I would much rather chose it myself.

Chopz · 26/12/2015 08:45

I can't see why people have got so fixated on the labels OP mentioned. OP could have mentioned anything really but happens to focus on labeled hand wash. If she was talking about sweets no one would be offended. Everyone has things they like/dislike. It doesn't matter that she has a preference for a certain kind of hand wash. Her unwanted items will be going to charity so someone else will find them useful. That's kind of OP

Chamonix1 · 26/12/2015 08:47

We'll take em' I'll pay for postage!
No, seriously why don't you just tell people not to bother? They might take their gifts elsewhere? My Nana used to give unwanted gifts right back to the gifter! "I have everything I need dear, save your money" and even that's better than letting people waste money on you.

I admit I have a lot of Baylis and Harding wash stuff upstairs from
Last year but I might use it at some point, what if I run out of molten brown? What then?!?

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/12/2015 08:48

YANBU. There is just no point keeping the stuff you don't actually like. If someone gives away a gift I gave them I'm generally disappointed, but disappointed in my failure to choose something they'd like, not in them making their life work for them. I don't understand why someone would give something like smelliest and expect the receiver to use it (or store it for ever) even though they didn't like it. A gift should be an attempt to make someone's life better, not an attempt to foist obligation on them.

Having said that, you've kept a lot more gifts than I received. We actively say "no gifts" for adults to extended family and friends. People seem more relieved than upset.

Twinklestein · 26/12/2015 09:02

I'm with you OP. V grateful for the nice stuff, but quite a bit going to charity.

Baylis and Harding is like washing up liquid.

I don't like it when people spend money on stuff for me that I won't use, it feels like such a waste - I wish they'd buy themselves something tbh.

topcat2014 · 26/12/2015 09:07

Just tell the people whose presents you don't like that you don't need to be friends with them anymore - that should save a lot of people a lot of bother and hard work,

Are these people mostly men? You know that most men don't give much of a shit about this 'brand' stuff right?

Outaboutnowt · 26/12/2015 09:09

Oh for goodness sake.

Show your family and friends this thread - it will guarantee you won't have the same problem of getting rid of all the tat you despise next year.

aprilanne · 26/12/2015 09:23

folk should just keep there money and not give it to someone so bloody snobby and ungreatful .my sons gave me a butterfly t light holder /.scarf/wooden cat ornaments they probably spent about ten pound each .but it was bought with love thats more important .

ConfusedInBath · 26/12/2015 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CelestiaLuna · 26/12/2015 09:43

I thought it was standard practice to pass on unwanted gifts? My Mil taste is different to mine and although I suggested we stop buying for each other, it was a no go. So most years I pass on, I don't feel that makes me ungrateful, somebody else is benefiting and mil is non the wiser. YANBU op

OTheHugeManatee · 26/12/2015 09:44

I don't think the OP is BU. We like what we like. I have several gifts I thanked people for effusively - because I am grateful that they thought of me - but which will go straight in the regifting box or to charity.

The OP's main crime seems to be apparent snobbery about wanting expensive gifts only.

topcat2014 · 26/12/2015 09:48

Standard practice for unwanted gifts is to leave them around the house for a year or more.

Hands up who has wedding gifts (eg vases) that are quite hideous on their sideboards etc.

They should then go in the loft for a few more years before then being given to charity shops

Anything shorter than that is unseemly in my view. ;)

Bunbaker · 26/12/2015 09:52

"It can seem like swapping stuff neither of you really wants or needs just because convention dictates it but if you suggest an alternative you come across as churlish and mean."

I agree TwentyOneGuns

DisappointedOne · 26/12/2015 09:57

This is precisely why we don't buy presents for anyone but DD (and even then only a few well thought out things) or have presents bought for us. Such a waste of time and money.

manicinsomniac · 26/12/2015 09:58

Oh no, I've bought Bayliss and Harding for my Grandmother. I thought they were really posh toiletries! Blush. We're heading down for family party in an hour and I don't have time to replace them.

She's a really posh old lady. She's going to hate them isn't she! Sad

There's a couple of other things in with the gift set but that's the bulk of it.

MizK · 26/12/2015 10:00

So OP slating Bayliss and Harding is ridiculous twatty snobbery but posters absolutely slagging off the gifts she does like is fine?
So odd.
OP, YANBU. Better that the gifts go to people who would like them than remaining unopened. But really there is a shocking level of waste over Christmas purely because people feel they must buy gifts for lots of relatives etc. Some years I do ask for people to put a few pounds extra to whichever charity they support instead of buying me things - never know for sure if they do but it saves them giving me a token gift that I won't use.
(I never let DP off the hook that easily, mind Wink )

noeffingidea · 26/12/2015 10:13

I understand where the OP s coming from, as well, although she did come across as a bit of a label snob.
Most adults nowadays can afford to choose and buy the things they want themselves, and the whole exchange of presents is a bit pointless. OP, can't you just suggest that next year you only buy for the children in the family?.
Nowadays through circumstances I only buy and receive gifts from my children and grandson, it has cut out a whole load of stress. Even easier, we actually tell each other what we would like (or give a few suggestions).
It's also a lovely thing to do what other posters have suggested, to donate either cash to a charity or gifts to a refuge or gift collection such as the salvation army.

unlucky83 · 26/12/2015 10:20

I get it completely - it is all unnecessary stuff you don't want.
(And I react to MIT found in most bubbly baths etc - so no point saying I'll use it. And chocolates - one box is enough, I am fat enough.)

I have got it down to only doing presents with DP (and for DCs) . And we have different views of what makes a good present.
He would buy me lots and lots of stuff - but probably spent max £40 - so some from charity /cheap shops, some he wanted, some 'traditional' presents (he once got me a gift set with white slippers in it...hmmm with my housekeeping standards...)
My heart used to sink. And most of it went off to the charity shop etc (I did once send some in to a school raffle but the DCs recognised it -so can't do that anymore)
I started to ask for what I wanted. But even then he got it wrong (so I asked for a toolbox - meaning a big one for all my tools and the one he got I can only just about fit my spanners in). So then I used to specify - he phoned me from B&Q and got me to speak to the assistant to make sure he was getting me the right toolbox....
Works the other way - he has been disappointed in things I have bought him...memorably a pair of really good jump leads...that he needed -and now uses for his boat...

So now we buy our own presents and swap and wrap them with the DCs. So I got something I really really wanted, was hard to find, cost £30 (a lot for what it is) and I wouldn't have bought for myself ....
He bought himself lots of tat (my heart sank again... that has to fit in the house somewhere!) and he was complaining the DCs would think he was mean just getting me one thing ...even though one of the DCs knew I wanted this and couldn't find it except for a lot more than £30 and I'd said I couldn't spend that on it......I did give him a box of chocs to rewrap that someone had given me as a thank you present too...
Left to myself I wouldn't do presents at all - not presents just for the sake of it - unless there was something you see you know someone would really love/use...and then I would just buy them randomly...

Galaxymum · 26/12/2015 10:29

I specifically asked in laws NOT to buy DD chocolate and not to buy us big tins of biscuits. Actually I ask that every year. Every year they ignore me. DD just has little Freddos and the little snowmen. But they bought her two huge selection boxes. And us a big tin of miniature heroes plus a big box of shortbread. So yes, I will be taking them to the food bank for people who can't afford luxuries at this time. I at least feel I am passing them on to people who will appreciate rather than me stuffing my face when I don#t need to. And DD doesn't eat big bars of chocolate

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