To chuck baby in the river (lighthearted)

[FairyFluffbum]

It's a sad state of affairs I have to put lighthearted in the title but there we go.

I have been up an hour with 9 month old baby...he has not stopped crying for an hour. I've given him his bottle, attempted to give him his porridge(it's now been thrown), I've picked him up, I've put him down, I've shushed him...he's still crying!!

Surely the only thing to do now is to chuck in the river and get a new one right??

I can swap him for a 9yo who's malfunctioning in Autism mode and been having meltdowns non stop since um 5am this morning!

I should have left him in Tesco earlier.. he was determined to walk down the up escalator.. i think i should have let him...

I have one undergoing diagnostics for autism and ADHD, also currently melting down for no discernible reason. I have been assured by various people that if I install A Good Hiding and initiate the Discipline and Firm Boundaries programmes then this will fix the problem.

While I was in the loo, the 6yo model encouraged the 22mo model to climb the fucking Christmas tree. Came back down to find tree and toddler on the floor and fucking baubles everywhere.

Have threatened to cancel Christmas.

In unrelated news, I have three children free to good homes. Based on today's behaviour, my definition of 'good' is negotiable.

Alas no receipt. I think he ate it. He likes paper my dh is home now and has sent me upstairs to relax. He has his uses sometimes.

I know this thread is light hearted but come again in regards to your dh?
He sulked because of no sex and then spent the night fondling you? Seriously?

Ehh he does it sometimes in his sleep. He usually sleeps downstairs during the weekend or when he works backshift but on morning shifts he sleeps in bed. He gets wandering hand syndrome and just ends up feeling me up sometimes. Sometimes he goes a bit far and I have to shake him awake, other times I can just shove his hand off me. I have had to slap him as hard as I can round the face a few times. He's never been officially diagnosed despite begging the doctors but it's known as sexsomnia.

I think you have a defective DH! Sounds like a European model. Perhaps hes still under warranty? Failing that try contacting trading standards or watchdog. They get results.

But but but...he cooks..and cleans..and gives me time to myself. He is even bringing me a cup of tea!

Aaah I just need a repairman. Anyone know a good one?

The teenage model needs a mute button. The MIL model ought to have a fast-forward button too.

You really made my day.. I haven't had a full night sleep since I got pregnant in January 2013, gave birth in September and got pregnant again in Feburary 2014 and gave birth end of October..

My DH surprised me with a Christmas gift. 7 nights all inclusive trip to Cuba with out the kids.. So it will be the first time being apart from the kids. I'm so looking forward to sleeping through the night without being waked up by kids screaming or asking for "milk"

P.s. When I first wrote the title I was like ("excuse me what") but then reading the entire post it made me feel good, to know that there other moms who struggle with their kids but can still humour about it, without people thinking that you are dealing with depression and seak help

Mine has a motion sensor that's faulty. When I'm up and busy she's silent and gazing at her tablet amuses herself. As soon as I sit down after completing the housework after my 12 fucking hour shift at work, the alarm starts. MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY. At 5 second intervals until she falls asleep

Notasinglefuckwasgiven When she gets the Teenage virus she'll say worse things whatever you're doing.

The way I see it hartmel you have two choices in life. Laugh about or sit in a corner and cry.

It's because we have children we have to laugh it off and carry on. They can't look after themselves so someone's gotta do it. It's stil very cathartic to have a good whinge and complain though

Oh great. I was hoping she'd find me embarrassing at that age and stop speaking to me. Seriously, I shouldn't know this much about my little fucking bastard pony. I hope Applejack kicks the living shit out of sodding Pinky Pie in a drunk rage when Sweet Apple Acres farm makes its next batch of apple bloody cider.....

This is my dreams now.

I have a slightly snotty, gunky eyed 2 year old and a slightly stroppy bone idle 11 year old I would gladly swap for some left over spag bol? Got to be a better bet than the moussaka dp is currently murdering in the oven.

11 year old is a sensible sort and treated herself to chippy tea earlier when dispatched to shop for chippy tea because she 'doesn't like aubergine and doesn't want to offend daddy'. Slightly concerned that daddy looked very jealous of chippy tea.

Op I find grabbing dps hand and replacing it on his chest does the trick with wondering hands. I did actually bite him once when I was bfing (for hours at a fucking time) and that also worked well.

Grab his clacker bag really hard. Or make like your in the mood to jam a finger or 3 up his poo chute. He'll remember his manners instantly worked on my groping ex anyway......

YANBU to throw your baby into the river. He'll no doubt be adopted by a family of ducks and learn their ways. You can occasionally visit on Sundays and throw stale bread at him.

The Environment Agency will have something to say about it. Fussy buggers.

*you're not your. In my defence I'm so tired I just threw my oven timer in the recycling bin and carefully placed my beer bottle on the worktop next to the cooker . I have since rescued the timer and binned the bottle.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Three presents to look for this Christmas:

The Turtles soup tureen.
The Care bears hunting rifle.

And best of all

The My Little Pony knacker's yard and horse-butcher outfit.

YANBU Moses turned out OK - just make sure you use a floating basket.

I will swap you all the defective babies and toddlers for my one grumpy, whiney, hormonal 13 yr old. The combination of my 32 week preggo hormones and his teenage angsty hormones is causing too much friction in this house- to the point I'm worried this new baby won't know me unless I'm shouting.

Failing a trade I've heard Apes will raise and care for other species babies. Perhaps a trip to the zoo is in order?

Smashley disturbing that my first thought there was, " I've had a beer I can't drive to the zoo..."
Then again she's singing the Paw Patrol song repeatedly so my stress is justified I think.

andrew I'm on amazon as I type.....

This was me just yesterday.
DD (8mo) was having a turbo whinge because I wouldn't let her eat the Christmas tree
DH came home from work, I handed DD to him, told him "it's broken." And heading upstairs for my well over-due shower