Batshit crazy SIL and my poor mother

[Vedamakesthebesttoast]

Ok long story with lots of history and identifying circumstances which I can't detail. Brief version for background is that my brother married very badly and his wife is toxic and has over the years initiated massive rows with various family members and has gone NC with nearly everyone at some point. My mum is terrified of being cut out of her grandchildrens lives and treads on eggshells ALL THE TIME.

SIL hates my guts and for years has repeatedly fallen out with my mum for various things... Like mentioning my name in conversations, talking about my children to her, not asking me to leave her house when they've called in unexpectedly etc.... (Last time that happened she didn't speak to my mum or let her see her grandchildren for 6 months)

Before anyone asks, I'm not a devil bitch from hell, she's just a fantasist and has fabricated ishoos in her head to justify falling out with us so she can play the 'favourites' game with my mum to try to get her to choose DB and herself over us and other family members. We're talking serious ishoos here, she is in my unqualified opinion batshit crazy.

Anyway the current situation is that she fell out with my mum a month or so ago, and told her she didn't want her to contact them again. (She'd done nothing wrong, see batshit crazy up post ^) She historically goes to theirs for Christmas and we go to my ILs BUT since mum was chucked out into the snow we rearranged Christmas to have it at our house and not go to our ils, . You can guess where this is going. Turkey ordered, house decorated, food and drink all bought, looking forward to a lovely day with mum and the kids. After not a word from them in over a month, mum gets a text from SIL,asking when she'll be arriving for Christmas.

Now I love my mum to her bones and wouldn't for a second fall out with her over anything, but I just feel so bad for her. It feels to me very much like she's being manipulated, yet again... That SIL just wants to know that despite them being so awful to her she will once again drop everything and change her plans to suit them. I'm worried they've asked her for Christmas s so mum will drop everything and 'prove' to SIL that she will still drop everything and come running when they summon her, and that they don't actually want her there because they love her and want to enjoy her company. Once again I think it's all game playing and trying to force mum into choosing. SIL is a total cold fish and I've never seen her laugh btw, I don't think she knows what true love or affection is or how to ellicit it and all this stuff with my mum and trying to create divisions in the family is in some way her trying to secure a place, it's all very fucked up.

DH reckons mum's facilitating their behaviour and letting them think that mum is one of their monkeys who will dance for crumbs of affection off their table, and there is perpetuating the shitty way they treat her. I'm inclined to agree but totally understand her fear of being cut off from her grandchildren if she stands up to SIL or calls her on her shit.

Does anyone have any sensible suggestions for how I can help my mum? I've lost count of the tearful conversations she's had with me over various callings out and the awful things SIL has said to her.

Sorry for lengthy post, if youve got this far well done!

I agree with having the straight talk with her about this being possibly the last time she dances to their tune - because your DC will start to notice and wonder why Grandma likes their cousins better than them. I'm quite sure she doesn't want to upset them, so I suggest strongly that she puts an "every other year" system in place pronto, whereby SIL doesn't get to dictate terms again, because next year your DM WILL be at yours, as it's your turn.

If SIL decides to fuck up the pattern (and believe me, she will) - tough. No really, tough. Your DM can take back a measure of control here if she chooses to; but of course your SIL can still go no contact. But again, at some point the DC will notice and wonder where grandma has gone.

She replied immediately

It's crazy that your SIL/DB have so much control over Your mu and amazing that your 'oh so lovely mum' can't see that she's treating you as appallingly as SIL is treating her. She's as happy to dump you as SIL is happy to dump her.
I know your mum isn't nasty with it or using it for control like DB/SIL - but her her actions mirror theirs.

Enjoy your evening and it would be lovely to hear how the chat goes.

You are also enabling your mother to do exactly the same.

To drop you and your DC at a moments notice for a 'better' offer.

You need to tell her this will upset and affect your DC to see them literally dumped and that you will not allow this to continue.

Just because your SIL in cow doesn't mean you should accept being treated this way.

Your mother needs pulling up.

My lovely cousin was always playing second fiddle to her younger psycho db and her SIL. One day her DF said that if it didn't work work with living with them could he come to her. Lovely cousin put her foot down and said no he would have to chose and stick to his decision. What I'm trying to say is your DM is being very unfair to you and I'm surprised by your lack of resentment though as other have said your dp and dcs may not

It is power games by your SIL really, isn't it.

I really do get that your mum feels caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, but I think that I would still find it hard, if I were in your shoes, not to show resentment if my children and I were just suddenly dumped in favour of someone like your SIL.

So do your children know that she's not coming to see them now? I think it is time to draw a line and perhaps withdraw your invitation to her, so if SIL dumps her she has to think again. It is massively unfair on you and your family. While I appreciate you don't want to put your mother under pressure you do need to stand up for your children here.

So your mum treats you badly and you just roll over.........the same way that your SIL treats your mum badly and she just rolls over??
I'm not trying to be goady, but I think your mum has been really rude and inconsiderate to just dump you on the spot.

Well, I agree with the other posters who say your mum has behaved badly - you rearranged your Christmas plans, those of your in laws and whoever else as your mum was in the doghouse with your SIL, and all SIL has to do is snap her fingers and your mum drops you and everyone else without a second thought less than a week before Christmas - wow!!!!!

In your shoes I would be so angry and upset that I and my kids were yet again second best. I'm not saying you should fall out with her or go no contact or anything over this but I would be cancelling her Christmas invite - she doesn't get a second chance if it all goes wrong with SIL again. I would be very wary of ever making special arrangements for her birthday, mothers' day or anything like that - on the basis that she'd probably dump me for SIL again given half a chance. I'd probably only invite her to things I was doing anyway with other people that she couldn't ruin by dropping out of. I would be very protective of my kids and them having their hopes of grandma time being built up and then dashed and I really wouldn't want them to be exposed to the notion of them being second best.

So I suppose I'm saying I'd be reducing the effort I'd make for her myself and I'd reduce contact with my kids - not to punish mum but to protect the kids - and that's very sad and not what I'd want to do, as she'll probably end up properly no contact with SIL's kids at some point. This part of it, with me and my kids would be of mum's own making though. It's not all evil nasty SIL, mum has a part in this dynamic too.

Agree with everyone here op

My dad is coming to me Xmas day, I've ordered food in that he likes, and made a special effort for him. If he cancelled in favour of someone who upset him all the time I'd be furious.

No one should be grateful for crumbs offered as part of nasty game playing.

How did your Mum react to the out-the-blue text from your SIL? Surely she said something just something and didn't reply "I'd love to come DIL, thank you". You should not be so terrified of losing contact with your DGC that you accept just anything. Because as sure as eggs is eggs, from what you've said, it'll happen again probably before the year is out

You can help your DM stand up to her and you should.

I am thinking that the SIL knew the OP would have invited her mum and purposely left it till last minute. Or maybe she heard that her mil was going to OPs. The last minute invitation was to disrupt plans and put both the OP and her mum in their place.

OP you are still being controlled by sil through your mum and your mum is letting happen.

Of course this is just to piss the OP off!

I am thinking that the SIL knew the OP would have invited her mum and purposely left it till last minute. Or maybe she heard that her mil was going to OPs. The last minute invitation was to disrupt plans and put both the OP and her mum in their place.

I agree. It's to show that she still has the power to keep MiL running after and grateful for crumbs from her table, and to show OP that she (SiL) is #1.

But I do sympathize with OP as far as not giving her mum hell. Everyone needs a 'soft place to land' and right now the OP is her mum's. I don't think anything would be served by having words with her mother now, the deed is done.

But I do think OP should speak to her mother after the holidays and tell her that although she realizes why her mother is accepting this treatment from SiL, she (OP) will no longer abet her by rearranging things to enable MiL to jump to SiL's tune, nor will she say 'that's OK' when she cancels because it is hurtful and she won't pretend otherwise. She won't argue, but she won't say it's OK.