Batshit crazy SIL and my poor mother

[Vedamakesthebesttoast]

Ok long story with lots of history and identifying circumstances which I can't detail. Brief version for background is that my brother married very badly and his wife is toxic and has over the years initiated massive rows with various family members and has gone NC with nearly everyone at some point. My mum is terrified of being cut out of her grandchildrens lives and treads on eggshells ALL THE TIME.

SIL hates my guts and for years has repeatedly fallen out with my mum for various things... Like mentioning my name in conversations, talking about my children to her, not asking me to leave her house when they've called in unexpectedly etc.... (Last time that happened she didn't speak to my mum or let her see her grandchildren for 6 months)

Before anyone asks, I'm not a devil bitch from hell, she's just a fantasist and has fabricated ishoos in her head to justify falling out with us so she can play the 'favourites' game with my mum to try to get her to choose DB and herself over us and other family members. We're talking serious ishoos here, she is in my unqualified opinion batshit crazy.

Anyway the current situation is that she fell out with my mum a month or so ago, and told her she didn't want her to contact them again. (She'd done nothing wrong, see batshit crazy up post ^) She historically goes to theirs for Christmas and we go to my ILs BUT since mum was chucked out into the snow we rearranged Christmas to have it at our house and not go to our ils, . You can guess where this is going. Turkey ordered, house decorated, food and drink all bought, looking forward to a lovely day with mum and the kids. After not a word from them in over a month, mum gets a text from SIL,asking when she'll be arriving for Christmas.

Now I love my mum to her bones and wouldn't for a second fall out with her over anything, but I just feel so bad for her. It feels to me very much like she's being manipulated, yet again... That SIL just wants to know that despite them being so awful to her she will once again drop everything and change her plans to suit them. I'm worried they've asked her for Christmas s so mum will drop everything and 'prove' to SIL that she will still drop everything and come running when they summon her, and that they don't actually want her there because they love her and want to enjoy her company. Once again I think it's all game playing and trying to force mum into choosing. SIL is a total cold fish and I've never seen her laugh btw, I don't think she knows what true love or affection is or how to ellicit it and all this stuff with my mum and trying to create divisions in the family is in some way her trying to secure a place, it's all very fucked up.

DH reckons mum's facilitating their behaviour and letting them think that mum is one of their monkeys who will dance for crumbs of affection off their table, and there is perpetuating the shitty way they treat her. I'm inclined to agree but totally understand her fear of being cut off from her grandchildren if she stands up to SIL or calls her on her shit.

Does anyone have any sensible suggestions for how I can help my mum? I've lost count of the tearful conversations she's had with me over various callings out and the awful things SIL has said to her.

Sorry for lengthy post, if youve got this far well done!

Fair enough, veda if she won't come to yours.
Though her imploding could be a win-win!

I would probably also be selfish here and tell your mum how you feel. As you say, otherwise in a couple of years your DC will see how grandma's plans with them are always cancelled in favour of their cousins.

Get your mum to send the text Enjoirass suggested.

There's a lot of emphasis on the SIL rather than your DB though. Could you talk to your DB about it? Do you really think he would allow his dc not to see your mother?

so basically the situation is your sil and presumably your Db said they wanted no contact with your DM, so you and she arranged (and you have catered/have paid for) for a lovely christmas day with HER grandchildren ( as in your children) and now sil has sent txt your mum is going to drop you and your children to dash off to their house for fear of losing touch with her other grandchildren...ummm....I would be fuming OP if my mother considered doing that !
your sil might be crazy and nasty etc, but your mother is plain rude if she thinks it is acceptable to dump you and your children at last minute.

I have to say, I would feel complete and utter frustration with my Mother because it will never ever get better whilst she allows it to happen.

I appreciate OP that you don't want to fall out with your Mum and you want to support her, but really.... to dump you and your Christmas plans because evil SIL has clicked her fingers is too much. Surely your DM isn't going to do that....

I feel for you and your DM in this situation, but I think that your mother needs to acknowledge that a lot of plans (yours, your ILs) have been altered to accommodate her over Christmas and that to scuttle off to your DB and SIL now would be very rude. There's nothing to stop her telling them that she'd understood they wanted nothing more to do with her and had therefore accepted your kind invitation, but she'd be very happy to see them at hers on so that they can exchange gifts, etc. A PP suggested similar, but I think it's important that she specifies that you have extended the invitation - you deserve the credit even if it will rile SIL.

Your mother is not helping the situation by caving to your SIL's whims every time. She's also treating you and your children like you are less important than the other grandchildren.

Your DH is already raising his opinion over it which suggests its a long running thing. How long does everyone need to dance to your SIL's tune? This year you have your mother now allowing your SIL to impact you, your DH, your children and your IL's.

In your DH's shoes I'd be pretty seething if your Mum went to SIL's. The one year your Mum is spending with you and your children rather than SIL is only because SIL chucked a strop anyway, and now less than a week before Christmas she's going to cancel on you because SIL has changed her tune which means your children won't spend Christmas Day with either of their grandparents - how is that fair on them?

My DC have no trouble understanding why my DM can't stand up to my evil SIL. They have seen my SIL in action. They are under no illusions that my DM loves them as much as she loves my SIL DC.

Funnily enough my DC deal with my evil SIL (who has pointedly ignored them from birth) by being extremely well behaved and polite. They do it to spite her. It's hilarious.

I wished my DM had stood up to my evil SIL but it's not in her nature to stand up to anyone and i doubt it would have done any good anyhow.

She could do with saying no, sorry, I have firm plans, but you can pop in too if you choose to. Your SIL's behaviour is insane and should be treated as such.
I understand it's not that simple though.

Tough call for your mum, I'm glad she has your support. But you know SIL will only get worse the further and further she pushes it, and gets her way. Very sad for your mum.

ApocalypseNowt and I seem to be thinking on the same lines. You say your DB's behaviour is just as bad. So is he/it (the behaviour) half the problem? Why is your SIL (who sounds horrible, btw, so I'm not coming out batting for her) the sole focus of your DM's issues? Why nothing about him in the OP, and what is your DM and DB's relationship like? Has it always been this bad?

I just feel like you MAYBE are thinking along the wrong lines. Maybe. Or, well, it's incredibly rare to find a couple that mutually hates a DM for no reason. It's true that there can be extreme friction/tension - to put it mildly - between ILs. But generally the husband/wife in that situation is piggy in the middle, or passive, or crushed by controlling behaviour. For them both to have such little regard for her (if that's indeed what's going on), I wonder if there might be more here.

Because, ultimately, your DM has no right to see her DGC. No doubt this is what your batshit SIL wants her to remember. But I feel like there either has to be some common ground because, if they really are both as irredeemably awful as they sound, it sounds like it's literally only a matter of time because there's some major blowup, if they will both act with such little provocation. It depends on whether there's an issue here we're not aware of.

I would be telling your mum that it is not acceptable that she just drop you in favour of SIL for Christmas. Your SIL told your mum she didn't want to see her, so you then rearrange your Christmas plans with your in laws so that you can now host your mum. It would be piss poor form if your mum now told you that you can stuff your invitation for Christmas and she'll go spend it with your nasty SIL. I think you need to point this out to her as otherwise she'll keep dropping you and your family like a hot potato whenever SIL demands her to do so. That is not fair or acceptable for your family to put up with.

In my situation my brother always sides with sil as he truly believes he should present a united front with his wife. Regardless of whether she is right or wrong. He would prefer to call out with mum as he knows that storm will pass quicker.

However dbro, towards the back end of this year has started intervening.

Again, like the OP, if I text dbro I get a reply from her on her phone. Even if he is at work when I text him.

She wouldn't even allow him to stY for coffee when he dropped my sons birthdays presents off.

Enjolrass, I'm not doubting it happens and is bloody horrible. What is giving me pause is what exactly motivates what the OP calls his equally bad behaviour.

I had similar with my MiL but not to that extent! SiL (DH's brother's wife) was very 'miffed' when DH and I married as she had to 'share' MiL (translation; MiL wasn't at her beck and call). When DH and I had DS1 it got even worse as her DD then had to 'share' Grandma with the new baby. SiL felt that her DD should have 'precedence' because she was the 'only DGC for so long' . Her DD was fine with having a new cousin at first, but SiL went on at her about how new DGC was 'stealing' her DGM from her and she (DD) began to be very ugly to my son when he was about 3 and later the same with DS2.

Anyway, SiL began 'creating' situations similar to yours where the iLs had to 'choose' between us and them. BiL just sat there like a lump, but MiL said that 'he has to live with her' so wouldn't challenge. My DH finally had it out with his brother (to no avail) and told his mother that although she had the right to do what she wanted, that we would no longer 'abet' her nor hide our feelings when she dropped us for them. We went NC with B/Sil after a particularly nasty incident involving their DD (then 17) and our DS1 (then about 10). I'm sure it was uncomfortable for MiL, but she made her bed, etc, etc. We were happy to see her and never excluded her (and FiL of course) but we also never changed our plans to enable her to be at both places.

MiL continued to 'juggle' until her health failed and she needed care. Then SiL concocted a story which resulted in her refusing to have anything to do with MiL. Your mother needs to realize that the same will happen to her. SiL will cut her as soon as she needs more care or attention than SiL is willing to give.

Things are only worth something when they cost something.

To you SIL your mum is worth nothing because she costs nothing jumps at every call

So you Mum has to make herself worth something - by increments.

thank you for the wonderful invite, I'll be with you after breakfast on boxing day
No, my time with all of my family is worth more than that so I'm being fair
Actually I have an invite to tea with an old school friend so you will have to fit around that

She needs to make herself a scarce resource to be worth something to those who would devalue her.

Do not worry about grandchildren : they make up their own minds in this day and age.
I've just been messaging a sibling I loathe but our kids are best mates - go figure

A question for everyone who are advising the OP to tell her Mum to stand up to the SIL. Do you think it would achieve anything other than the SIL going NC and the OPs Mum not being able to see her DGC. Do you honestly think the SIL is suddenly going to reflect on her ways and decide to stop being a bitch?

Probably not. But SIL will just get worse and worse and the impact will become more and more as the years go on, because the behaviour will become entrenched. However, if the OPs DM was pleasant but made it clear that she was no pushover (which to be frank, she is now...) maybe just maybe SIL might need her one day to look after her DCs or whatever and realise that she has to shape up.

Blackmail is not something you can let go on and on. Which is what SILs behaviour is.

pern
never, which is why I didn't
as its not a theoretical for me

I say dbros behaviour has been as bad as he has stood by and watched while she abuses his parents, sister, BIL and niece and nephew.
He has also had several arguments with my parents on her behalf.

The problem being that now mum and dad will point out that he is wrong.

Like the time they expected Munro call in sick to work on a Monday because sil wanted to go away for the weekend with friends. Dbro had the kids over the weekend but had to work Monday.

Sil was meant to be back at 10am and 4 days before she decided she wasn't coming home til after lunch.

Mum said she needed to leave for work at 11am. Dbro screamed at her and insisted sil had always said it was after lunch. Dad showed him the text messages that said she would be back at 10am, she lied and told dbro that mum dropped her in the shit.

Instead of apologising dbro told mum that didn't matter and if she loves her grandchild she would be happy to call in sick so sil could stay away a bit longer.

So yes I blame them both, different behaviour but both as bad as each other.

i do not think it is about 'standing up ' to sil, it is about the OP's mother being rude and dropping OP and her children in favour of the SIL and DB after OP had made arrangements.

pern

As I said earlier sil still tries it, but mum isn't having it. Since mum does so much childcare (even though sil is a sahm) they won't cut her out.

I doubt the sil in the case will either. Ah was inviting her to Christmas because there is something she wants. Maybe just to prove she can have mil at her beck and call.

I think it's a very small chance that sil will do this. I don't think it fair to the OP to be ditched and a risk worth taking.

The control has to be broken somewhere

Pern

No, I don't think the SIL is going to change. However, at some point she is likely to decide to go NC, or one Christmas she won't change her mind at the last minute and the OP's mother needs to be aware that her other grandchildren may decide at that point that they are not changing their plans for the the Granny who always puts them second.

And if the the SIL chops and changes her mind so often anyway there is a chance she'll never go NC, she'll just strop for another few weeks no matter what the MIL does (especially as the OP thinks there's a high chance they'll kick her DM out halfway through Christmas Day)

The DGC will probably have as much respect for DM as the DSIL. Really, DM is being taken for a mug.

i do not think it is about 'standing up ' to sil, it is about the OP's mother being rude and dropping OP and her children in favour of the SIL and DB after OP had made arrangements.

How does she do one without the other?