Batshit crazy SIL and my poor mother

[Vedamakesthebesttoast]

Ok long story with lots of history and identifying circumstances which I can't detail. Brief version for background is that my brother married very badly and his wife is toxic and has over the years initiated massive rows with various family members and has gone NC with nearly everyone at some point. My mum is terrified of being cut out of her grandchildrens lives and treads on eggshells ALL THE TIME.

SIL hates my guts and for years has repeatedly fallen out with my mum for various things... Like mentioning my name in conversations, talking about my children to her, not asking me to leave her house when they've called in unexpectedly etc.... (Last time that happened she didn't speak to my mum or let her see her grandchildren for 6 months)

Before anyone asks, I'm not a devil bitch from hell, she's just a fantasist and has fabricated ishoos in her head to justify falling out with us so she can play the 'favourites' game with my mum to try to get her to choose DB and herself over us and other family members. We're talking serious ishoos here, she is in my unqualified opinion batshit crazy.

Anyway the current situation is that she fell out with my mum a month or so ago, and told her she didn't want her to contact them again. (She'd done nothing wrong, see batshit crazy up post ^) She historically goes to theirs for Christmas and we go to my ILs BUT since mum was chucked out into the snow we rearranged Christmas to have it at our house and not go to our ils, . You can guess where this is going. Turkey ordered, house decorated, food and drink all bought, looking forward to a lovely day with mum and the kids. After not a word from them in over a month, mum gets a text from SIL,asking when she'll be arriving for Christmas.

Now I love my mum to her bones and wouldn't for a second fall out with her over anything, but I just feel so bad for her. It feels to me very much like she's being manipulated, yet again... That SIL just wants to know that despite them being so awful to her she will once again drop everything and change her plans to suit them. I'm worried they've asked her for Christmas s so mum will drop everything and 'prove' to SIL that she will still drop everything and come running when they summon her, and that they don't actually want her there because they love her and want to enjoy her company. Once again I think it's all game playing and trying to force mum into choosing. SIL is a total cold fish and I've never seen her laugh btw, I don't think she knows what true love or affection is or how to ellicit it and all this stuff with my mum and trying to create divisions in the family is in some way her trying to secure a place, it's all very fucked up.

DH reckons mum's facilitating their behaviour and letting them think that mum is one of their monkeys who will dance for crumbs of affection off their table, and there is perpetuating the shitty way they treat her. I'm inclined to agree but totally understand her fear of being cut off from her grandchildren if she stands up to SIL or calls her on her shit.

Does anyone have any sensible suggestions for how I can help my mum? I've lost count of the tearful conversations she's had with me over various callings out and the awful things SIL has said to her.

Sorry for lengthy post, if youve got this far well done!

I think it's about time she called their bluff - unless she wants to carry on like this for the next decade?

Unfortunately she is feeding the monsters. Without her input they would slowly starve! And that's what I would do.

Can't she explain that she had already accepted an invite to you?

Do not accept her backing out with ease, otherwise you too will be a victim of sil. Tell your mother it's time to be sensible and stop being their plaything

quitelikely we've had discussions ong those lines but she's terrified of losing contact. Maybe I should let her read this thread so you can all tell her! I think she's lost sight of what normal people's responses are because she's so consistently had to try to get her head around the shit SIL comes off with.

I'm intrigued about your SIL. What is her relationship like with her own mother?

Your B is your problem here. He treats your DMum dreadfully and allows his wife to do the same. It's a crap situation but all you can do is tell your mum you love her, that she is always welcome in your home and that you understand that she is in a difficult position.

I am looking at my own dc and wondering what on earth I would do if I ended up in your mum's shoes. If my ds married someone like your SIL, how would I cope with risking my relationship with him and any gc? I really have no idea and hope to goodness I will never need to find out.

I know she's been put in a tough situation but if she dumps you for them that's really awful of her, especially since you went out of your way to accommodate her. It's totally out of order.

I feel so sorry for your mum, and for all of you! What a commenter cowbag your SIL is.

I have no advice except that you, obviously, have to support your mum as best you can throughout this, knowing that this will cut her up one way or another.

And, in the long term, she will lose this control when there are no children to blackmail you all with any more.

'Complete'

finola I know... I've already had a chat with my DS and warned him not to bring home a harpy (he's 1 so laying down the groundrules early) :)

What if she told them that she was going to yours, OP, but that they were welcome to join you all? Then if they get stroppy during the day, they won't be able to throw Mum out, but could flounce off themselves instead?
Realise this would be more work for you, but it might be a way to support your Mum?

This is sadly familiar. We have an almost identical situation here too, although the reason my brother and SIL hate me is because I stood up to them and told them that the way they treated my mum was completely unacceptable.
We are now all NC with them and then with us - 8 years now. And it is still a blessed relief not to have to put up with this sort of batshit behaviour! It hurts my DM terribly, unfortunately, as she misses her deadbeat DS and her grandchildren.
As mothers and grandmothers they will almost put up with any kind of cruelty to not lose contact with their sons and grandchildren. It is so sad to see.

Sorry, no real help or advice but I would strongly advise your mother to call your brother and gently explain that as she has been frozen out for months that she now has plans for Xmas and that she hopes they can see each other in the new year and that she will send the children a present.

Anything else will lead to WW3 or more NC and your poor mum simply won't win. She needs to spend Xmas with you.

Nothing is worth that hassle. She needs to let SIL go. Her son is betraying her.

OP this time last year you were me.

Dbro and sil causing mum similar problems. Everyone expected mim and dad to be dropped last minute on Christmas Day.

We had it arranged that we would go to them and take pil of we needed to. Pil know the situation.

They turned up 2 hours late but were there on time for dinner.

My sil also decided to hold her sons birthday party (early January) on my sons birthday even though the birthdays are 10 days apart and then kicked off when mum decided that she was coming to my sons as it was already arranged and she would see them both on their actual birthdays.

Then she demanded that me and mum could not go anywhere without inviting her. Even though she does things with her mum without inviting mine.

It's been a difficult year. But when she kicked off about me and mum going shopping. Mum flipped. She told her to wind her neck in and that she would stop spending time with me on my own when she stopped spending time with her mum alone.

Both mum and dad have decided that she isn't holding them to ransom anymore. They too fear losing contact with their grandkids. But the way it was going it was going to end with a huge fall out anyway.

She does still try and command everyone. But she immediately told to pack it in. Dbro is still spineless. But doesn't have a go if someone confronts her behaviour.

I blame him as well as her.

Until your mum decides enough is enough, this will continue.

bluetrews there's not a snowballs chance in hell they would step over our threshold, SIL would implode first! Also to muddy the waters mum doesn't want me to say anything to them, let alone invite them for Christmas. She's had to literally sit on me before so I caouldnt get to the phone to call her and call her shit after mum confided in a particularly vile comment shed texted my mum.

sian I'm sorry to hear your family have had similar experiences. Your poor mum, it must be so painful not to see your own grandchildren, but what a relief for you. It's so pointlessly draining having to field other people's negativity and bile. I don't understand why some people seem to enjoy being miserable and revel in sharing their misery around. Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your mum x

Your SIL is clearly a bitch and your brother, at best, a spineless dick.

However yiur mum is treating you like you both think is wrong of them to treat her. Ok, so you aren't threatening your mum with no contact but you've changed your plans and your mum isn't respecting that.

It's not easy, I'm not suggesting it is, but your mum really shouldn't be treating the sibling who is including her like a second best spare option. Sorry OP but you need to also stand up for yourself.

I like the idea of all bring invited to yours if you're willing. At least then you aren't dumped and SIL doesn't get to call the shots.

The SIL will make your mum jump to her tune until she eventually goes completely NC - which will happen at some point.

In the meantime your mum will puss off your partners and DC. You may be able to condone your mums dancing around SIL but they will not. Quite rightly so.

Tell your mum that you understand her position but that you won't allow your family to be sidelined when convenient.

Enjolrass.... Wow the birthday party I'm speechless. That's exactly the type of stunt my SIL would pull. If I didn't know better I would say we share a SIL in common.

Your mum needs to text back

'Due to what happened and you telling me you wanted no further contact, I have made other arrangements'

Then add something like I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to see the kids over Christmas or new year.

Your mum absolutely should not ditch your family

Honestly OP it's very similar. If I had a sister I would be convinced you were my sister.

So sorry you are dealing with this

The more I think about it the more I think that I DO need to stand up about this. I won't ever fall out with my mum, that's not an option but I am worried that in a year or two, my own kids will be big enough to by cut by their granny dropping them at the last minute to run down to SIL and her other grandchildren. They won't understand that mum is scared of not seeing them again ad. That she has to jump if they deem to call her. I'd hate for my children to be hurt by any of this.

Maybe I need to talk to mum about the possibility of this Ben g a potential outcome further down the track so that at least I've flagged it early.

Sorry crying baby will be back later to finish that train of thought

We have a similar relative. I'm afraid there is nothing you can do until your mum decides enough is enough. Getting involved will make it worse for your mum.

Our relative in question hasn't let her MIL see her grandchildren since LAST October because she finally stood up for herself. It's very sad

I could have written your first paragraph. My sil has pulled some stunts in her time, fallen out with everyone in her own family, along with most of her friends too. We're never sure who she's NC with at any given time. As my mother can be quite outspoken, it's some miracle that the relationship has survived at all, although my mother and brother have always been extremely close and when push has come to shove, he has stepped in and told his wife to back off.

There was a major shift in power when my niece became old enough to decide for herself whether she saw our side of the family. Fortunately, she likes us God knows how, as she must have heard some awful shit about us from her mum over the years so it's worked out OK.

Sil remains toxic and vile, and my sister and I deal with it by having as little to do with her as we possibly can. At family meals, we ensure we sit at the other end of the table and let our dhs and kids do the chat stuff for us. It just about works.

Yes you do.

While your mum thinks you will be ok she will keep choosing them. Because there will be no drama that way.

You need to be honest

I have a very similar SIL. She doesn't speak to her own sisters or any of her SILs. I would love to tell her what I think but there is no point as she would just punish my mother by withholding the GDC. There is literally nothing you can do. . My Mum has to play along if she wants to see the GDC and that that. I've known her for 25 years and have never argued with her, in fact I've barely had any contact with her and yet it's as though I killed her cat.
We deal with it by joking about her and supporting my Mum who feels awful. The evil SIL will turn her head in a comically huff if she see me or any of the others in her very long NC list. We don't react. There is no point.
In your situation I would give my mum my blessing and tell her that you understand and that you will make it up to her on Boxing Day.

It's not the same as an abusive relationship as the SIL controls her DC.

Anyway this thread makes me feel a teeny bit better knowing that I'm not the only one in this horrible situation.

What a really sad situation, your poor mum , it looks like SIL is playing games with your poor mother, and using the fact she loves and wants the grandchildren in her life, as a weapon or tool. Your poor mum is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Who cares for their DC when they work/go out?
Do they rely on your DMum for babysitting?

What is her issue with your Mum exactly?

Is your child not her grandchild too?