Batshit crazy SIL and my poor mother

[Vedamakesthebesttoast]

Ok long story with lots of history and identifying circumstances which I can't detail. Brief version for background is that my brother married very badly and his wife is toxic and has over the years initiated massive rows with various family members and has gone NC with nearly everyone at some point. My mum is terrified of being cut out of her grandchildrens lives and treads on eggshells ALL THE TIME.

SIL hates my guts and for years has repeatedly fallen out with my mum for various things... Like mentioning my name in conversations, talking about my children to her, not asking me to leave her house when they've called in unexpectedly etc.... (Last time that happened she didn't speak to my mum or let her see her grandchildren for 6 months)

Before anyone asks, I'm not a devil bitch from hell, she's just a fantasist and has fabricated ishoos in her head to justify falling out with us so she can play the 'favourites' game with my mum to try to get her to choose DB and herself over us and other family members. We're talking serious ishoos here, she is in my unqualified opinion batshit crazy.

Anyway the current situation is that she fell out with my mum a month or so ago, and told her she didn't want her to contact them again. (She'd done nothing wrong, see batshit crazy up post ^) She historically goes to theirs for Christmas and we go to my ILs BUT since mum was chucked out into the snow we rearranged Christmas to have it at our house and not go to our ils, . You can guess where this is going. Turkey ordered, house decorated, food and drink all bought, looking forward to a lovely day with mum and the kids. After not a word from them in over a month, mum gets a text from SIL,asking when she'll be arriving for Christmas.

Now I love my mum to her bones and wouldn't for a second fall out with her over anything, but I just feel so bad for her. It feels to me very much like she's being manipulated, yet again... That SIL just wants to know that despite them being so awful to her she will once again drop everything and change her plans to suit them. I'm worried they've asked her for Christmas s so mum will drop everything and 'prove' to SIL that she will still drop everything and come running when they summon her, and that they don't actually want her there because they love her and want to enjoy her company. Once again I think it's all game playing and trying to force mum into choosing. SIL is a total cold fish and I've never seen her laugh btw, I don't think she knows what true love or affection is or how to ellicit it and all this stuff with my mum and trying to create divisions in the family is in some way her trying to secure a place, it's all very fucked up.

DH reckons mum's facilitating their behaviour and letting them think that mum is one of their monkeys who will dance for crumbs of affection off their table, and there is perpetuating the shitty way they treat her. I'm inclined to agree but totally understand her fear of being cut off from her grandchildren if she stands up to SIL or calls her on her shit.

Does anyone have any sensible suggestions for how I can help my mum? I've lost count of the tearful conversations she's had with me over various callings out and the awful things SIL has said to her.

Sorry for lengthy post, if youve got this far well done!

OP what's your SIL relationship with her own family like? I personally think her behaviour can be as a result of a dysfunctional relationship with her own parents and she's taking it out on your DM. In your shoes iwould be fuming at my dbro and giving him serious s**t about how he's treating your DM. I would also point out to him the biggest losers in this scenario are his dc.

What a horrible situation for your poor mum thank goodness she has you. Would your mum be brave enough to say thanks for the invitation but am going to daughter, everything's arranged, hope to catch up soon etc. A sharp message to your brother is needed. So sad.

My uncle and Auntie went through exactly the same(Uncle is my Mum's big brother)at the hands of one of they're Dil's,one of they're sons(they have 6 boys)married a bloody nut job,everyone welcomed her into the family and my Uncle and Auntie are one of the nicest couples you could ever meet.They've always done everything for they're children,Dils and grandchildren.They've always helped out with money(never expecting it back)childcare anything and everything that's ever been asked of them.

She pretended she had cancer for years even to her own children and husband,pretended she'd lost a baby,blamed my Aunt and Uncle for everything,went NC with my aunt and uncle and all the rest of the family and forced my cousin and they're children to do the same.

It broke my Aunt and Uncles hearts and that of his brothers and the rest of the family.They get bending over backwards and every now and again she'd back down and let them back into they're lifes to go and do the same thing a few weeks later.This went on for years and then finally(after my Mum and Dad spoke to my Uncle about the way they were being treated)everyone just stopped trying and it was the best thing they ever did.

The children(cousins children)were getting older and moving away and they stopped letting her control them and so my cousin was left alone with her and her shit behavior and it made him grow a backbone.He stood up to her and walked out to be at his younger brothers wedding.He had a huge argument with her when he got home and put her straight about what he would and wouldn't put up with any longer.She had to back down,she was already loosing her children and now she was going to loose her husband.

He still see's his Mum and Dad now and the rest of the family and so do his children,she acts more normal now.We don't see her very often but when we do she doesn't start on him and they're children and my cousin and his children get to see the rest of they're family when they want to.

Your Mum needs to stand her ground now!Believe me I know it's hard but she needs to do it before anymore time passes.My poor Aunt and Uncle put up with this for over 20 years,all that time wasted because of one selfish arse.They're in they're late 80's now and they're son and grandchildren have missed out on so much and there's no way of getting any of that back.

I do think sil is controlling my brother and that bothers me.

However, he then abuses my mum and bullies her into doing what sil wants.

That way he does have sil wittering on in his ear at home. He knew that mum would back down and pretend everything was OK. Do it was easier for him that way.

He told everyone that his kids births were more important than mine. Because he was mum and dads first born son. He likened it to the difference between Prince William having kids and prince Harry having them. Me being prince Harry.

Apparently my having kids was nice, but him having kids was important.

Sil also had a go at me for having kids first (I had been married 12 years when she met dbro), I should have waited until after dbro as that was only fair.

She then had a go because o has a boy and girl. It was selfish as her children would just be another not or girl. Not the first of either.

If dbro needs my help or wants support I would give him it.

I won't have my children put down or told they are as important as twice cousins because they were born to someone who was the second born child.

I won't have them being told that i should never have had them.

While dbro is passing the abuse down the line, I have lost sympathy and won't have my children being put down in front of them.

enjol If my sister was married I'd swear she was your SIL (or your DB). She has similar feelings regarding my DC albeit I'm the elder sibling. She swore the dogs she subsequently abandoned were around before my DC so were more important. Then any potential child she had would trump mine because she intends to give them our surname and not their dads (not that she's had this discussion with any of her partners). She went ape when she discovered I had one of each so she couldn't have the first of either. DF was desperate for a boy to be born, and DS' birth greatly upset sister because she spent a lot of time pointing out how I'd let him down by having DD first. The line got drawn for her when she said DS was ugly to my parents - didn't go down well especially as DS is the spitting image of DF (another thing she's hideously upset by). Maybe I am just a selfish cow

strictly oh god it's so similar.

I wonder if these nightmare sil/ dil go on to be the nightmare mil?

The bit about your baby being ugly is awful. I do remember dbro being unhappy that ds looked so much like out dad. And dd has his exact colour eyes.

Ds features did suit his face apparantly

It all so sad.

Could your mum go over to them for a bit and then come to yours for lunch?

I've got a nightmare SIL who sounds similar to others described here.
I'm thankful for one thing though - a couple of times my SIL went too far with offensive behaviour, my db was made of aware of it and thankfully he called SIL up on it. Most of the times he sides with her but when she goes too far, he agrees she shouldn't have done that though he can see why she did (!)
Because of this, she can't take situations to the ultimate manipulative level.
I don't think anything will ever improve without your dbs involvement unfortunately.
I do think your mum should stand up to her though but in that nicey nice way described earlier. She needs to make out that she's a victim in all this. I know that sounds ridiculous but any other way will cause confrontation and get your sils back up.

Late to the party - but similarly I rearranged my whole Christmas for my mum and was dropped at the last minute for my sister. I had flights booked and everything!

My mum died at 60 when DD and my DNephew were 4 and DNiece 1 - my sister ups the grief and the pain by cutting me off these days. It doesn't stop.

I think your mum should say she is very sorry and was under the impression she was not invited (cite x behaviour on y date). She's made other plans. Full stop. Maybe mention a local homeless project as a good place to raise money for (not lying and saying she's going there or anywhere). She is of course available on Boxing Day/27th etc. She needs to stop taking responsibility for other people's actions and at the same time start taking responsibility for her own.

I think your Mother had behaved appallingly.

has
She so should have said no, I've already said if go to DDs. You're all enabling their behaviour. Even you by not saying 'cheers mum what am I going to do then!?'
What is happening? What about your in laws? Instead of all scurrying around bad mouthing them, (your OP is a real master class gossipy ill feeling and no action)
Stand up to them once and quietly.

I have to agree with others that your mum needs to start taking a firmer line. So, she doesn't go to them for Christmas and doesn't let you down. She stops treating you like second class citizens. Is there any way for you to reach out to your brother at work or similar? Or for your mum to ring him there?

The thing is appeasement will never work with someone like your SIL. She doesn't want to be appeased. She wants a bloody good ding ding so she can play the victim/make more demands/create drama.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Your mum needs to say she's made other plans then ignore any histrionics.

SIL might go NC for a bit but i would guess it won't last. And to be fair if its not this thing it will be the next one iyswim.

Have you talked to your mum about it anymore?

Ding dong. Not ding ding

How did it go with your mum today OP? Did you have a chat when she came over for coffee?

It sounds an awful thing to type but your nieces and nephews may be better off with your parents keeping their distance rather than them also being hurt over the situation or having their grandparents dissed to them constantly.

In some ways the sooner your Dmum stands up to SIL the better as she will find out the true lay of the land.

It's horrendous though I so feel for your mum and your DN who are also innocent in all of this

Have t had a chance to chat in too much detail with her yet, she's here for the night and I'm settling the babies so once they're down and we crack open a bottle of wine I'm sure I'll get more insight. But for clarity as a few pp didn't seem sure, she has already accepted their invitation, as in immediately when sil texted so there's no opportunity for her to use any of your suggested responses, which are all bang on as far as I am concerned. So it's just damage limitation really. She told my aunt today that she was going to db and sil and I don't think she got a very favourable response (aunt and uncle are coming to mine as well on Christmas Day) Aunt basically said, but what about Veda? Isn't she expecting you at hers? Mum changed th subject then, and with the wee ones skittering about I didn't press her on it.

There may be a drunken update later!

I'm shocked at how many awful sils there Sen to be out there! ohtheholidays your sil sounds beyond batshit... She's entered the realms of bat squits crazy! Pretending to have cancer... Wtaf? You're well did not having any thing much to do with that one.

enjolrass and strictly all the petty shit about who's kids are more important or have more status is right up there with my sil's way of thinking, it's disgusting to use innocent children as pawns in arguments and their own made up internal family politics. Who in their right mind wouldn't just be glad for the safe birth of another family member and eel me them and love them. It's crazy. Bat shit in fact.

peasonearth I'm sorry you had your Christmas ruined and I'm sorry that your mums passed. I hope you got to spend some quality time with her Christmas or not

seriously believe it or not I agree with you. I think my mum has behaved badly. I'm just not prepared to fall out with her over it. If I was going to take any action if fall out with sil and db, but I can't do that as that boat sailed years ago! I haven't had anything to do with them in years. The only action I could possibly take is to either call them and tell them what I honk which would be pointless as it would just stir up a hornets nest and mum would be punished by them as they can't punish me because I don't give a flying fuck... Or I give off to mum, but I totally get her predicament and refuse to add any more pressure or stress to her. I also refuse to sink to the level of sil by guilting her or forcing her to 'choose'. Not sure how I was gossipy btw, if I was on face book and you knew who I was talking about fair enough, but since this is totally anonymous it's hardly gossip.

Off to crack open a bottle of plonk and have a heart to heart with my lovely mum, roll of the early morning wake up call from de at 5 and a thumping head

Do say to your mum that one day, your kids will be old enough to notice and be upset by being second choice, op. It's true, you know it.

Hope it goes well.

Your mum has behaved badly. She should not have accepted.

I would tell her how bad it makes you feel when she drops you for them, when they treat her so badly.

Tell her she needs to stop putting them first. Tell her you won't fall out with her over it (so she doesn't feel you are doing the same as bro and sil) but that it hurts and it needs to stop.

She has more children and GC to consider than just them.

veda glad your aunt spoke up, at least you then can say its not just me who thinks your behaviour is batshit!

In the case of my batshit crazy sister its come from a long line of batshit crazy relatives. We grew up with it so she thinks its ok to behave like it whereas I always thought they were nutters.

I totally understand you don't want to upset her more, I'm like that with my parents too when sister tries to kick up a fuss. However I have made it clear that if and when sister has DC, if there are any signs of favouritism because sister is kicking off then they'll be making their own bed. Maternal GPs played favourites with their own kids and us grandkids - the fallout is that the only ones who give a crap about them now are also the ones who treat them badly.

I think you should tell your mother that whilst you understand her predicament, your kids will possibly not and ultimately she is likely to have damaged relations with all her GC unless she just follows the rules of basic manners towards your DC. Good luck

Your mum may have replied and perhaps cannot back out now, but I agree she has behaved badly. I know you say your DM feels guilty and you don't want to fall out with her, but surely you can tell her you are upset at being dumped because your SIL has decided to summon her?

I understand your DM is terrified she'll lose contact with her DGC and is doing everything to appease their parents in order to avoid that. Ultimately, however badly your DB/SIL are behaving (and they are being awful), your mum is also partly responsible for this situation. As another poster said, what she is doing is simply feeding the monster. The more she jumps through the hoops, the more she accedes to their demands, the more they will continue to up the ante. She can't win though- at some point your mum will be unable to continue to accommodate their demands, or your SIL/DB will decide she can't get any more from her/has no need for her. At that point your mum will be removed from their lives anyway.

Your DM is allowing DB/SIL to impact not just on her life, which is bad enough but is at least to some extent her choice, but is now impacting on you, your DH and your IL's. Soon it may well start impacting on your DC. So where do you draw the line? I wouldn't want my DC to be treated as second best and I would be pointing that out to my mother- they may not be able to notice just yet, but in time they will.

If I were you I would explain to your DM that you love her, that you won't fall out with her about her choices but nor are you going to pretend it doesn't hurt when you are second best. I would also explain that in future you won't be rearranging things around SIL/DB demands, but DM is welcome to visit etc. And I would stick to it. You can't do anything to help your DM with SIL- she needs to decide for herself how long she is willing to be their lackey- but you can make sure she knows where she stands with you.

I agree with strictly.

I'm actually astounded that your DM accepted the SIL invite without a moments hesitation.....5/6 days before Christmas.....even though you had made plans and your children had looked forward to it.

There is being understanding but there is being a push over. veda do your thoughts/wants not count?

If it were me, I would tell DM yes you understand how difficult it is; but you will not roll over anymore, so that your DM can cancel plans last minute because she is in favour again with SIL. I would remind DM, that she has two children and two sets of GC. Even though you don't put any conditions on the relationship she has with your children and your SIL does....why is it they are dropped in favour of their cousins?

I'm shocked she replied and accepted so quickly. Shame on her. She had plans with you and your kids.

Oh sorry...I didn't get that she had replied straight away! I think i'd have been "wtf...are you shitting me!" before I had a chance to think of being as lovely as you sound (about not putting pressure on your mum, etc).

It's good that your Aunt seems to see what's going on although i don't know how much it will help.