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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to spend my money however I see fit?

55 replies

OublietteBravo · 20/12/2015 14:15

My mother seems to believe this is totally unreasonable behaviour.

DH and I both work FT in demanding, but reasonably well paid jobs. We choose to spend our money on school fees, eating out and holidays.

My mother disapproves. Apparently it is unfair that I send DD and DS to private school, because my sister can't afford to send her DC

I shouldn't spend money on holidays because my house needs decorating. It is a bit shabby and granny-chic, but we're not bothered. At the moment we figure that DD and DS will appreciate the family time they get when we're out together or on holiday more than a beautifully decorated house. Besides, we really enjoy the down time away from work.

My mother lives 180 miles away, and hardly ever visits, so I really don't see that the state of my house is her concern (it is clean - we have a cleaner).

Every time I speak to her she brings this up ('have you started sorting the house out yet? It really needs doing.')

Aaaargh

OP posts:

Varya · 20/12/2015 14:19

Mine goes on my share of the bills! A little bit over for me....

Trills · 20/12/2015 14:23

Apparently it is unfair that I send DD and DS to private school, because my sister can't afford to send her DC

How ridiculous.

kissmethere · 20/12/2015 14:26

Your DM is BU. It isn't any of Her business and to compare with your dsis us ridiculous.

Arfarfanarf · 20/12/2015 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 14:29

Stealth boast? :)

TurnOffTheTv · 20/12/2015 14:30

My mother can't understand why I don't spend any money on my house either. It's perfectly fine and fit for use but I'm not interested. I'd rather go on holiday 5/6 times a year with the kids and do fun stuff.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 20/12/2015 14:32

That's nuts to say you shouldn't send your money on school fees because your sister can't afford it.

My db earns lots more than me and has considerably fewer outgoings (job provides accommodation, no children etc) and, while I am envious of his nice car and holidays etc, there's no way on this earth I'd think he shouldn't have them just because I can't!!

PeaceOfWildThings · 20/12/2015 14:36

Of course she is being unreasonable. Making happy memories with your DH and children while they are growing up is what parenting is about.

handslikecowstits · 20/12/2015 14:38

My father tries this. My exact words, 'what I do and how I spend my money are none of your business.' Subtlety doesn't work with him.

YANBU

Original poster

OublietteBravo · 20/12/2015 14:38

Nothing urgent needs doing to the house - it is all cosmetic. It means that we can have hoards of children round without worrying that things will get damaged.

The DC are 11 and 9, so we're making the most of spending time with them. One day they'll decide hanging around with mum and dad isn't what they want to do.

I hate having stuff done to the house - it is stressful and disruptive. I'd much rather go on holiday and have fun. Besides, when they are older, surely they'll remember family holidays rather than what colour the carpets and curtains were.

OP posts:

iklboo · 20/12/2015 14:40

As a last minute wrap up present send her a fake poo and some Mr Sheen. Tell her that's the only shiny shit you give about her opinion on this.

knobblyknee · 20/12/2015 14:42

YANBU. Never have anything that you would weep over if burgled/sat on by muddy dog/ drawn on by artistic toddler with pasta sauce.

Tell her you had it done by an interior designer. Then show her your portfolio of photos of how it is now

Lightbulbon · 20/12/2015 14:45

How bad is the house? Is there wallpaper peeling off the walls/broken furniture/lack of floor coverings etc or has it just not had a new kitchen in 10 years?

Sounds like your mum is a bit of a pita!

Hillfarmer · 20/12/2015 14:47

You need to come up with a form of words that you will say to your mother, and repeat, the next time she comes up with this crap. Get out a piece of paper and write it down. Practice saying it. Stick it on the fridge/wall to remind you when she rings.

It may go something along the lines of:

"I am very happy with the state of my house. I am a grown-up and how we choose to spend our money is our business. I do not want to have another discussion about the house with you. Please do not raise the subject again."

Then stop talking.

If she attempts to justify it or carry on regardless then repeat what you have said exactly.

Keep repeating bits, or all, of this mantra until she shuts the fuck up. There is no need to be rude. Just keep repeating this firmly until she stops. Then talk about something else.

Good luck. This works.

Original poster

OublietteBravo · 20/12/2015 14:48

I don't think we have anything a burglar would be interested in. Most of the furniture is inherited (we have stuff from both sets of grandparents), the TV is a huge cathode ray one and almost 15 years old, we have an old clunky desktop computer - nothing really valuable.

OP posts:

timelytess · 20/12/2015 14:50

Apparently it is unfair that I send DD and DS to private school, because my sister can't afford to send her DC
What a load of rubbish. Do the best you can for your children.

I shouldn't spend money on holidays because my house needs decorating
Not her business.

When she starts saying these things, just say "Bye, Mum" and go.

Original poster

OublietteBravo · 20/12/2015 14:51

The decor is dated. We bought the house from a couple who were retiring and downsizing almost 3 years ago. Most of the house was recently decorated by them - just not in a modern style.

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 20/12/2015 14:51

Your mother sounds like a nightmare.

Did she actually say it wasn't fair to send your kids to private school because your sister can't?

LlamaLover · 20/12/2015 14:52

Agree with all of the above. I wonder if she sees holidays and private school fees as a 'waste' but doing up your home as an 'investment' as that is how that generation thought quite often.

pictish · 20/12/2015 14:55

My mum used to be a bit like this. She absolutely hated me ever spending any money on myself whatsoever, even if I could spare the cash. I wasn't allowed any new clothes, make-up, a night out or God forbid, a holiday. If it wasn't going towards something practical or absolutely necessary it was because I had more money than sense/money burns a hole in my pocket/spend money like water etc.

I spent years actually thinking I probably had a spending problem as she made so much fuss about anything I did spend, as though I was a hedonistic, materialistic trigger-happy ninny with no idea how to budget.

It turns out that the reality is that I'm pretty damn thrifty and good with money. I'm brilliant at making a little go a long way and hunting out items that are good value for money. Always have been.

Because SHE never spent a penny on herself she just couldn't cope with me not doing the same.

If she was still around today I'd be telling her to keep her hooter out of my business.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2015 14:55

Why can't some people understand that not everyone wants to be constantly doing up their house. You're right that it's stressful and disruptive. You also forgot to mention how boring and time consuming it is. .

We've just had an extension built but before that did pretty much nothing in ten years.

I've come to hate all the trips to fucking Ikea and bastard Screwfix and having to make decisions about which type of handles I wanted in my kitchen etc, but was most baffling was how many people seemed to think having an extension built was a big exciting treat when all I could think was 'I'm glad I'm not one of those people who decorates all the time, this is exhausting. (Extension was a necessity due to existing kitchen being postage stamp sized and house having no storage for hobby equipment but we have procrastinated for years about having it done for not wanting to face the horror that it involved).

We mostly spend our money on holidays and a couple of hobbies that can be quite expensive and this often confuses people. They seem to equate our small, plain house in an OK but not optimum area, lack of fancy clothes/jewellry etc and modest cars as evidence that we don't have much money but then see the expensive hobbies and multiple foreign holidays each year and wonder how we can afford it .

The connection that we can afford to go on nice holidays because we don't spend much on the house seems a bit too difficult to make.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/12/2015 14:55

Your house sounds great and your priorities are fine.

Everyone has different ones

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 20/12/2015 14:57

Smile and breath ....

We love our holidays with the kids, and hopefully its something they will still want to do when older.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/12/2015 14:59

Tell her yes, you'll be decorating as a new year's resolution as she suggested...and the theme is 'sex dungeon chic' that'll shut her up

Fairylea · 20/12/2015 15:02

I would tell her you're actually never going to sort the house out because you don't see the need. I think if you keep saying you will at some point she will keep going on about it. I think it very rude of her to keep mentioning it. I wouldn't dream of asking my mum or daughter when they were sorting their houses out!

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