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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spend my money however I see fit?

55 replies

OublietteBravo · 20/12/2015 14:15

My mother seems to believe this is totally unreasonable behaviour.

DH and I both work FT in demanding, but reasonably well paid jobs. We choose to spend our money on school fees, eating out and holidays.

My mother disapproves. Apparently it is unfair that I send DD and DS to private school, because my sister can't afford to send her DC Hmm

I shouldn't spend money on holidays because my house needs decorating. It is a bit shabby and granny-chic, but we're not bothered. At the moment we figure that DD and DS will appreciate the family time they get when we're out together or on holiday more than a beautifully decorated house. Besides, we really enjoy the down time away from work.

My mother lives 180 miles away, and hardly ever visits, so I really don't see that the state of my house is her concern (it is clean - we have a cleaner).

Every time I speak to her she brings this up ('have you started sorting the house out yet? It really needs doing.')

Aaaargh

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 20/12/2015 15:14

Ask her why she thinks it is her business then go silent.

IrenetheQuaint · 20/12/2015 15:17

I'm not sure anyone lies on their deathbed thinking 'God, I really regret not sorting out the skirting boards. And our lives would have been so much better if we'd redone the kitchen every 5 years.'

zipzap · 20/12/2015 15:26

Turn it around on her - say that you can't believe she wastes so much on her house when it doesn't need it instead of having amazing life enriching experiences like holidays.

Every time she criticises you for something, turn the criticism back on her and see how much she likes it. I'm guessing not much - then let her either complain about you criticising her - to which you just say that you're just following her example and if she wants to criticise you then she needs to be able to take it back - or she'll just shut up and stop doing it...

ExBallerina · 20/12/2015 15:33

Without any back story YANBU.

I'm not in the same position as you, but I hate when family take it upon themselves to give financial advice unsolicited.

You do you, I say.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2015 15:37

Goodness, what on earth business of hers is it what state your house is in?!

I have to say, I'd be telling her that it's none of her business at all what you spend your money on, you have different priorities and the house is the least of them! AND then follow up with "too bad if you don't like it, you don't have to ever see it again if that's how you feel". I don't know how often, if ever, she comes to visit you - but I'd put a stop to it if all she can do is harp on about the décor.

Fluffyears · 20/12/2015 15:43

I'd act offended 'what exactly is wrong with my house? We have it exactly how we want it' see what she says then.

girlguide123 · 20/12/2015 15:47

YANBU - it's only decor.

we finally had renovation works done after many years of NOT. it's painful and holidays are definitely where I'd prefer to spend the money, too. stick to your guns.

as for your sister - whenever I used to say to my dad 'it's not fair' he would counter with 'it's not a fair world'... she'll get over it, or not, but it's out of your control. only a mad person would choose their child's school with consideration of the wider family's feelings.

Andrewofgg · 20/12/2015 15:52

ikiboo Grin Grin PMSL but where were you when my MIL was alive and I needed an answer like that?

Twinklestein · 20/12/2015 15:54

My mother's always moaning about my sister's house and her holidays.

We say 'it's not your house, it's not your money, it's not your life.'

DoreenLethal · 20/12/2015 15:56

'Er mother - the reason we bought this house is because we liked it inside and out - I'd have thought you'd have worked it out by now'.

hefzi · 20/12/2015 15:57

Tell her you're spending your money this way because a house can be repossessed, but no-one can ever take your DC's education away from them!

Kr1stina · 20/12/2015 16:20

Spending your money on coke and booze while your kids go hungry is an unreasonable choice .

Spending your money on family holidays and your children's education rather than your house is a perfectly reasonable choice and is no one else business.

Your mother is lucky that's all she's got to moan at your about . Some people her age have to bring up their grandchildren because their kids have messed up their own lives with addiction/ crime. Your mother should thank her lucky stars that she has a daughter with a good job, a happy relationship and healthy kids .

Dipankrispaneven · 20/12/2015 16:24

Tell her you're not making any resolutions about sorting out the house because it already is sorted out. Which it is, if it suits you.

ilovesooty · 20/12/2015 16:28

Your family sound lovely. Tell her to mind her own business.

firesidechat · 20/12/2015 16:45

If my children are anything to go by, your children will remember the shabby house with fondness and reminisce over the family holidays.

Ignore her, and yes you can spend your money how you like.

glammanana · 20/12/2015 16:49

You could be right there Llama funny how the older generation think that a well decorated house is worth more than one that is not,when it all comes down to it all the value is in the area and the bricks and mortar.
has your sister ever mentioned her thinking it unfair her child doesn't go privatly to school or is this just your mums feelings,my youngest went private but my two eldest didn't we sent him as it was cheaper than childcare when he was 3.5yrs old and no one ever mentioned it as unfair for one minute as they understood we where doing the best for us and him.

QueenArseClangers · 20/12/2015 17:35

What on earth does your mother say about your kids' private education being 'unfair' on your Dsis?
How does she justify her questioning?

QueenArseClangers · 20/12/2015 17:36

And is your mother one of those who religiously wallpaper and decorate their house every other year?

Original poster
OublietteBravo · 20/12/2015 19:15

It's true - I'm not going to lie on my deathbed thinking 'we should never have taken the kids on that family holiday - I wish we'd decorated the landing and hallways instead.' Grin

My parents do seem to decorate a lot. I think my mother enjoys moaning about the inconvenience. They are currently re-doing their en suite - last year it was the main guest bedroom, and they did the kitchen the year before that.

They also go on holiday quite a bit, although they rarely leave the county (let alone the country).

My DSis isn't bothered about private schools - her DC are only small (the eldest is not quite 3), and she lives in a leafy suburb which is in a grammar school catchment anyway. I'm not even sure where the nearest private school would be. Our area is considerably less affluent, and our state school options are uncertain (slowly changing from 3-tier to 2-tier in a disjointed manner).

Perhaps my New Years resolution should be to be firmer with my mother and not allow her to get away with her trying-to-run-my-life crap...

OP posts:
Original poster
OublietteBravo · 20/12/2015 19:35

Oh - and with regard to my DSis, her (my mother's) attitude is that I shouldn't send my DC to private school unless I'm prepared to pay for my neices too. And presumably any nephews or neices my younger sister and brother might have in the future. Something that would (a) be beyond our finances and (b) be impossible to budget for anyway, since I obviously can't control how many children they have.

She used to be a teacher, and is totally against private schools. She once told me I should use my catchment school despite it being in special measures for the 3rd time in 7 years, because 'if people like you opt out, it will never get better.' I wasn't prepared to take that chance with my DC's education.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/12/2015 19:52

To be honest I agree with her

pictish · 20/12/2015 19:53

regarding the school that is

TurduckenForDinner · 20/12/2015 20:01

As she has kindly suggested a new year's resolution for you, I think you should return the favour. Grin Perhaps she could resolve to recognise that adults are entitled to make decisions about their own lifestyle, even if the choices are different to the ones she would make.

Andrewofgg · 20/12/2015 20:52

An ex-teacher. All is explained. So many of them take that view and regard children as being there to improve schools and not the other way round. My father was a teacher, so was my sister, and I think they both disapproved slightly of my DS going to (day) public school - but they never spoke a word against it to me or DW and there would have been one almighty row if they had done!

Andrewofgg · 21/12/2015 09:11

Sorry, that should be my sister and my mother disapproved - my father died when I was 16. He would have disapproved loudly and clearly!