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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contribution for Christmas

148 replies

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 19/12/2015 18:24

SIL has invited everyone to hers for Christmas rather than us going to PIL. We will be staying for one night as it is a long way from home. She's just called to ask us to bring the wine, the cheeseboard and £30 toward the meal. There are 4 of us (me DH a 1 year old and a 3 year old).
SIL and husband both in work, I'm not aware of any money troubles. I'm on unpaid maternity leave at the moment so managing on DH's wage. Not struggling but probably earning less than they are.
I think we'll probably end up spending about £60 on wine (PIL and SIL's husband big drinkers) plus however much a cheeseboard is plus the £30 so we're looking at probably £100 contribution in total. We can afford this but I would never charge my family for Christmas dinner..
Is there unreasonableness here? Completely prepared to suck it up if I'm wrong!

OP posts:
northern78 · 19/12/2015 20:23

We had to pay 40 quid one year for sil to host. Wasn't impressed but dh paid. We never wsked ssme when we hosted.

BasinHaircut · 19/12/2015 20:24

*your situation, not our!

TeaFathers · 19/12/2015 20:26

No way would I go.

pollylovespie · 19/12/2015 20:29

I'm hosting for 12 and wouldn't dream of asking people to contribute cash! Or wine, or cheese or anything expensive. I was going to ask one set of folk to bring xmas crackers and another soft drinks but that's only because they live near a big supermarket and we don't. They beat me to it and have offered to bring the booze, which I argued about but relented! You invite people for dinner, you provide all food and drink and you definitely NEVER EVER EVER ask for money. I like it when I'm asked to bring something to contribute to a dinner but would be a bit surprised if it was an expensive thing, and totally shocked if it was money. YANBU!

OTiTO · 19/12/2015 20:30

Why is your DSis in law and DB in law hosting and not your PIL? Were they coerced into hosting by the PIL?

Original poster
FoxesSitOnBoxes · 19/12/2015 20:31

Agree I should say SIL and BIL as it is both of them but simplified to just SIL as she is DH's brother and trying to avoid confusion between husband's sister and brother's wife.
Am just leaving it for DH and family to sort out. I don't want to cause a Christmas scene! DH doesn't seem to think there's an issue so I'm not pushing it. Just wanted to check I wasn't being unreasonable in thinking she was/they were being unreasonable

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 19/12/2015 20:33

give them a cheque....then cancel it Xmas Grin

cdtaylornats · 19/12/2015 20:35

I always take several bottles of wine for Christmas and New Year with Mum and Sister but thats because they have palpitations if a bottle of wine costs more than £3 and I don't like drinking vinegar. I am sorely tempted to take some coffee as well.

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/12/2015 20:35

Obviously you bring some wine and some nice food bits as gifts when you're invited to someone's house for Christmas day, but to be instructed to bring all the wine, a cheese board, oh and £30 in hard cash is just so very, very, VERY tacky.

Ugh.

hibbleddible · 19/12/2015 20:36

Yanbu, it is very cheeky.

Asking to bring cheese/wine is fine. Cash is definetly not.

I would also wonder what the hell she is buying caviar? that is costing £30 for a meal.

I second the aldi suggestion for the wine and cheese. They do a cheese board for around £5.

WineIsMyMainVice · 19/12/2015 20:37

You are absolutely NOT bu!!!
I completely understand her asking you to bring contributions. (We are hosting Christmas for the first time this year and I'm really starting to worry that the costs are rising!!) So I think asking you to bring things that are going to be needed (such as wine and cheese) is fine - but to ask you for cash also is just wrong wrong wrong!!!!
Saying that - I hope you have a nice christmas!

FuzzyOwl · 19/12/2015 20:40

My PIL charged us £15 each last Christmas. That was on top of the wine, chocolates and presents we took. My meal consisted of about three potatoes (probably one pre-peeled one), a couple of carrot batons, one slice of turkey and some gravy. 🙄

hibbleddible · 19/12/2015 20:40

I also agree with others, surely bringing the wind means bringing a bottle or two?

Original poster
FoxesSitOnBoxes · 19/12/2015 20:43

SIL offered to host as she didn't want to travel to PIL- so it was entirely her choice. PIL would rather have everyone to theirs.
We live a v long way from everyone and no one wants to travel to ours but I'd love to host so we can stay put. I'd not ask anyone for money, largely because of the cost of getting to us (plane/ferry)

OP posts:
whois · 19/12/2015 20:43

I kinda think asking for cash is ok - if its done in advance. And you don't ask for wine and cheese as well.

ive got the opposite problem. My bloody sister says she's good all the wine already, won't accept cash and the only thing i can take is cheese. Redic. I'm not the baby any more and feel like she is doing all work and I just swam in and eat their food and drink their wine all the time!

whois · 19/12/2015 20:43

Have got my sis and BIL a cracking Christmas pressie to even it out a bit tho.

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/12/2015 20:43

If you're a family consisting of a few low income households it makes perfectly good sense for everyone to stump up cash in order for everyone to share the cost and the fun equally. But otherwise, charging relatives cold hard cash for 'the honour' of Christmas dinner is the most bah-humbuggy thing I've ever heard of.

Cheby · 19/12/2015 20:47

WTF is with all these people charging guests for meals?! I'm hosting for the first time this year. It has cost a lot, but I factored that in when I offered to host! I'm a bit gobsmacked.

If I was going somewhere I would always offer to bring something (my DM is picking up the turkey for us and I highly suspect she will refuse to let me pay her for it) but to ask for cash is just awful. I wouldn't dream of asking anyone to bring food or wine either, unless they offered and were fairly insistent.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2015 20:48

'If you're a family consisting of a few low income households it makes perfectly good sense for everyone to stump up cash in order for everyone to share the cost and the fun equally.'

No, it isn't, and we are a low income family. More sense to ask people to contribute this component or that component of the meal well in advance. Cash is often very scarce on the ground in December if you are low income because it winds up being a 5-week month for many. Asking to provide components means that people can budget for it, take advantage of deals/offers/coupons.

LynetteScavo · 19/12/2015 20:48

If I was asked for cash towards the meal I wouldn't help clear away and wash up.

I'd happily take wine, cheese, crackers, pudding, etc but fuck off asking for cash. I'll bring you a Finish dishwasher tab and raised eyebrows go with the cash.

Blu · 19/12/2015 20:49

Amongst 3 siblings only one of us (not me!) has a house bid enough to host the extended gang. So although he 'invites' us I don't think it is fair that he bears the massive cost. A huge rib of beef for one meal and a free range good quality turkey for Xmas dinner cost a fortune, before you start on everything else. So the other siblings, incl his DW's always chip in with substantial cash.

But the same person always does the hosting.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2015 20:49

'WTF is with all these people charging guests for meals?!'

Never seen it in real life and if I did, even if it's 'family', I'd decline or cancel. Yes, I really would. I always ask what I can bring.

strawberrypenguin · 19/12/2015 20:50

Yep they're being rudefood or money would be ok not both. If you do take all three cheese/wine/money please don't spend £60 on wine. If you were comfortable spending that moch one wine (I wouldn't be!) halve it and buy £30 wine and give the £30 cash

expatinscotland · 19/12/2015 20:51

I can see that, Blu, and would ask, but 'bring all the wine, the cheese and £30' as a demand?

PrincessMouse · 19/12/2015 20:52

I don't think you are BU. For various reasons (me - 6 days from having DD, my mum in hospital on consecutive years and living in a building site) DH, DD and I have spent Christmas Day at MIL and SIL for the last few years. In the past we have also spent it with my family. No one ever asked or expected a contribution. We did take a gesture though.

This year we have my in laws (PIL, SIL, BIL and their two DS) on Christmas Day and my family on Boxing Day.

We have not and will not ask or expect any contributions. If you invite guests I think it's rude to expect payment unless you really are struggling financially or its some sort if family tradition.