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AIBU?

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Original poster

Contribution for Christmas

148 replies

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 19/12/2015 18:24

SIL has invited everyone to hers for Christmas rather than us going to PIL. We will be staying for one night as it is a long way from home. She's just called to ask us to bring the wine, the cheeseboard and £30 toward the meal. There are 4 of us (me DH a 1 year old and a 3 year old).
SIL and husband both in work, I'm not aware of any money troubles. I'm on unpaid maternity leave at the moment so managing on DH's wage. Not struggling but probably earning less than they are.
I think we'll probably end up spending about £60 on wine (PIL and SIL's husband big drinkers) plus however much a cheeseboard is plus the £30 so we're looking at probably £100 contribution in total. We can afford this but I would never charge my family for Christmas dinner..
Is there unreasonableness here? Completely prepared to suck it up if I'm wrong!

OP posts:
LaceyLee · 19/12/2015 19:55

That is very rude! I would ask for an itemized receipt so you can see what you're being charged for! Also unfair to ask you to bring the wine when they are the big drinkers, although it's fair to bring some wine and the cheese.

gamerchick · 19/12/2015 19:58

I'm missing a trick here. I provide everything, including alcohol. I could be coining it in Grin

carabos · 19/12/2015 19:59

Asking for cash is NOT ON. Why would you invite people over and then ask them to pay? Hmm

We go to BiL's every other year and our contribution is the champagne (6 bottles), which I think is fair and is what they ask for. Having said that, if I was hosting I wouldn't ask for anything, it's so ungracious.

RB68 · 19/12/2015 20:02

I think its tricky and I can understand why but yes shld have asked upfront and perhaps just done plain cash instead of having everyone run round. In M&S today they had lots of things reduced so wld go and suss out what there is add a box of truffles and some flowers and just take the cheese board and 6 bottles of wine - let them know what you are bringing and I would say that you have bought half a case of wine and anyone that wants to drink plenty needs to think about adding a couple of bottles to their contribution. I think you def have the short straw as both those items are expensive - what is everyone else bringing!! I personally wld have said to people bring what you want to drink and I will do the rest as often that is the hardest thing having enough in for everyone. Wonder if they have asked PIL for a contribution given they have hosted for years!!

AgentZigzag · 19/12/2015 20:02

YANBU, agree that they have enough brass neck to, if not win, then at least rank pretty highly, on a 'top brass neck moments of all time' thread.

What will happen when you tell them to go fuck themselves?

And will you post live to us when you do?

worriedmumred · 19/12/2015 20:03

If we ever go to sil for Christmas I always put 100£ in an envelope and bring various bits of wine spirits and pudding....there is at least 10 in total and the stress of having all those extra guests must be unimaginable..we haven't hosted before also it depends how long your staying we stay Christmas and Boxing Day so I don't think they should feed us 5 meals and not contribute something

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 19/12/2015 20:06

I'd be more than willing to take a food/drink contribution but not money. To ask for both is just ridiculous

Viviennemary · 19/12/2015 20:08

I think it's cheeky of hosts to ask guests to contribute to a Christmas dinner unless that's the usual custom in families and people take turns. Tell her you' can't afford to eat at chez her and that you will be staying at home. Don't encourage this greedy behaviour especially when she knows you are hard up at the moment.

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2015 20:08

Agree they are being extremely rude, but not sure there's much you can do about it. We don't spend £100 on everything (but we're not big drinkers)

I don't think you should host if you can't afford it

OTiTO · 19/12/2015 20:09

The OP and her DH are effectively paying £15 each plus wine and cheese. They can scale down how much they spend on wine and cheese if the want.

£15 for starters, main and dessert is not crazy at all. Although hard to know as we don't know who else is bringing stuff.

If the SIL and DB are buying everything ready made - i.e. Marks roast ices etc then £15 is not OTT at all.
If the SIL and DB are buying from lido and cooking from scratch then they will make a profit but will have lots of work to do.

I think charging is ok but they should have told you when they invited you.

BTW was it a proper invite or is it normal for other family members to contribute to xmas meals in your family.

I think xmas lunch is different to a normal invite. It's normal for everyone to chip in and help.

museumum · 19/12/2015 20:10

Are you sure they mean ALL the wine? You can get decent wine at majestic for 6-8£ a bottle if buying a box so £60 is 8-10 bottles! That's a lot.

NewLife4Me · 19/12/2015 20:10

I would take cheese or wine certainly not both.
It's a good gesture to take something but I agree you don't invite and then ask for cash.

If you aren't that bothered about attending I'd refuse the invite tbh.
Sorry it's such short notice etc, but so were yours for money... etc.

Notimefortossers · 19/12/2015 20:11

I would only ask people to bring stuff if they ASKED if they needed to bring anything and I would NEVER ask for money! Just don't host!

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 19/12/2015 20:11

Give it in 10ps, 5ps and 2ps. That'll learn her. Cheeky cow - I thought my SIL won on brass neck, but yours has topped it.

OTiTO · 19/12/2015 20:12

So many typos Blush hope you can decipher it.

Bodicea · 19/12/2015 20:12

You already contributing to a large portion of the meal, so why you should pay a cash contribution too is beyond me. The wine and the cheese are the most expensive a bit. Aside from the turkey there isn't much else that costs more than a tenner.
I don't know if I could bring myself to say something so close to Christmas. So I would be tempted to just bring a couple of bottles of wine, a cheap chessboard and the money. If she says anything I would say you misunderstood and thought
She meant some wine not all of the wine!!!

Original poster
FoxesSitOnBoxes · 19/12/2015 20:14

I'm pretty sure it is all the wine... I'm getting this second hand through DH but that's what he says. I'm co-sleeping so not drinking and we've got to be up and off on Boxing Day so won't be drinking much ourselves but DH's family are pretty steady drinkers who can easily put away a bottle or two of wine each. Not bothered about that. It's just the cash

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/12/2015 20:16

PLEASE don't give in to this piss-taking because she's 'family' or it's fucking Christmas.

AgentZigzag · 19/12/2015 20:17

Great idea Youreall Grin

And make it clear you expect them to count it out while you watch to make sure you haven't swizzled them out of 5p or anything.

TopHat33 · 19/12/2015 20:18

YADNBU - of course you would take something - and lots of wine plus cheese is a big contribution - asking for cash too is VU.

I suppose from her point of view it sounds as if she and her DH have started to panic about Christmas costs mounting up. Is it too late for you or DH to have a chat with her? Are there dinner costs you could calm her down on - 'it's a turkey and trimmings - don't worry about the caviar starter'??? And reassure her you are bringing things that she doesn't need to worry about?

Or you could just give the £30 in chocolate coins?

BasinHaircut · 19/12/2015 20:18

Unless there is some sort of understanding where this sort of thing is the norm at Xmas where big extended families get together, I can not imagine a scenario where you would invite people for dinner and expect them to help foot the bill.

I would assume that people would bring wine, or offer to bring dessert, or maybe crackers for Xmas dinner. But seriously, if I invited 10 people, I'd do so in the basis that I was providing EVERYTHING. I don't think I can think of a single person that would do otherwise.

In our situation though I would find myself complying, but scrimping in the cheese and wine to justify it to myself in secret.

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2015 20:19

There is no way I'd be bringing all the booze for 2 days, especially if you won't be drinking . I'd take a few bottles for the Christmas dinner, max. They can pop to the shops if they want a steady drinking session.

AgentZigzag · 19/12/2015 20:19

Is it just your SIL Foxes?

Surely the demand request is from them both?

GlitteryFluff · 19/12/2015 20:21

I'd want to not go, say something like sorry didn't realise you couldn't afford to host us, you should have said something sooner, we'll give it a miss this year in that case. Less pressure on you then. Have fun though.
Or
Just simply - we can't afford to pay to come to yours for dinner. Will happily bring a cheeseboard though. Let me know if that's not enough and if so we'll give it all a miss.
But
In reality I'd probably still go, and bring what they asked.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2015 20:21

'It's DH's family so I'm not going to rock the boat and venting here hopefully means I'm not going to simmer with resentment.
Half tempted to get my purse out over dinner to hand over the cash but absolutely won't. '

Why not? I don't understand all this towing the line when people are rude as fuck.

Sure as hell wouldn't spend more than £30 on wine and cheese, big drinkers or no. Why be such a doormat? Wine and cheese from Aldi, as much as £30 buys.

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