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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a disgusting thing to do??

129 replies

Dothetwist · 18/12/2015 19:00

My dd has been picked on in school on and off for the last year. She has been physically attacked a couple of times, each time i have been in to school they say the right thing but then it happens again

This year she is being singled out of a group, we know one of the parents through distant relatives we have a bad relationship with this has caused this particular mum to think she needs to bring dd into it.

In october dd was the only girl left out of a party..was told there was no room!
She gets left out of their group play dates, we brush it off and plan something for us to distract her

Well the bullying is getting bad, I've gone into school and got the relevant form to get her moved to another school and told them i will be writing to the governors and ofsted due to their inability to safeguard my daughter.

This particular mum is a queen bee type, always picking others up from the school for playdates and it the chair of the PTA. This afternoon this mum was in the classroom at pick up and rounded up the 9 other girls in dd's class as they are all going to her house for a christmas party.

Her dd then comes up to my dd with a bag of craft items and says... "here, my mum told me to give you this as you're not invited to my party" the mum then very loudly goes on about getting going.

Aibu to shove shit in this bag and put it through her letter box?

It seems so fucking spiteful Sad

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2015 14:39

You absolutely need to take this up with the headteacher. It is her business and is a form of bullying by an adult on a small child. I would write down everything to date up until yesterday, keep the craft kit as evidence, and let headteacher hand it back to the mum. The fact she is in an influential position is even worse. Even when your dd moves schools, she could continue this behaviour to another child, she happens to have an issue with their parent. This needs to be stopped!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2015 14:40

She seems like the type to organise an end of year disco, and invite everyone in Foundation except for your dd, this has happened, I have seen it on here Sad.

Original poster
Dothetwist · 19/12/2015 20:12

Thank you for more of your replies, i truly appreciate your advice.

I so wish i could home ed her for a while, but i just can't as i work in an education setting myself.

I am however taking the morning off when we go back in order to go to the head teacher, will also be contacting ofsted for more procedural advice as i don't trust that the head will deal with this.

This mum has a way of making herself look perfect in every circumstance

OP posts:
foxessoxes · 19/12/2015 20:33

I was badly bullied in school.

One night my mum snapped (it wasnt long after my grandmother died) and she went round to the other girls house to ask her mother what her daughters problem was.

Prefer not to think about what happened and what was said, but she gave me a wide berth after that.

LuluJakey1 · 20/12/2015 08:06

OfSTED will just tell you to follow the school complaints procedure through to the end.

PopcornFrenzy · 20/12/2015 08:35

I'd send the contents of the bag bit by bit back and not pay the postage that way she'll have lots of trips to the post office, each time having to pay.

What a spiteful nasty bastard, who does this to a 5 year old? She should be ashamed of herself

EvaBING · 20/12/2015 08:47

My heart is actually breaking for your dd.
What an absolute bitch of a woman!!
Your poor little daughter!

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 09:34

Good plan op, do contact Ofstead, or LEA or head of governors and see what they say. Totally unacceptable to treat a child like that.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 20/12/2015 09:59

Agree with Lulu and TruthFairy (page 2)

Print out the school's bullying policy.
Document all incidences/events of bullying - verbal/physical etc...

*Letter to head, copying in the governors.

  • State all incidences, what the school said they'd do and then what in reality followed ie children were to be kept separate in playground. In reality playtime was not supervised etc...

Have the previous bullying incidences all involve the same children? Or has your daughter become the class victim?

Are there 10 girls in DD's class?
If so, then for your DD to be the only one singled out is bullying - whether or not it is in school or out and the school needs to be aware of this.

With regards to the head of the PTA.
In my letter I would be asking

  • no parent group pick ups from classroom. This only reinforces the differences between the 'chosen' and the not.
  • that the head of PTA is 'asked' to stand down. This should be a neutral position wholly about fundraising.
  • ask them how your daughter's experiences have been handled with reference to their own policy and if they think it's been successful.
  • ask them how the anti bullying policy is integrated into ciriculum phse/carpet time etc...

I honestly believe (apologies to teachers) that weak HTs can allow these situations to appear and continue. This filters down to the rest of the staff.

Problem being that the 'queen bee' types tends to be strong personalities that integrate into the school and circulate well. It's then very hard for staff to 'reprimand' them. Which is why you need a strong head.

Borninthe60s · 20/12/2015 10:06

Return it simply saying as your daughter wasn't invited to the party there was absolutely no need to provide her with anything and say you've pondered over why she would do this and reached your own conclusion. Then say you are bringing your daughter up to accept that some people won't like her and she won't like some people and as she was excluded your daughter feels that she doesn't really like her daughter so would rather not receive anything. But thank you for the offer.

In other words, don't stoop to her level, rise above it. Never act in anger.

ElsieMc · 20/12/2015 10:21

Reading this post and the replies, I know it was not all in my mind when I moved my poor gs this summer. His village primary school seemed to be delegating all after school activities to parents and a clique who wanted all their children to play with their close friend's children were running the clubs. Parents on the governing body, pta etc.

My gs would often walk out of school with me to see a group of his friends all stood together and the parent tell gs he was taking his friends to the skate park. My gs told me that he was used to it. He was then solely excluded from a party and the boy said "maybe next year". The one party he was invited to around 18 months ago he returned home quiet and very white. Another parent asked me a few days later if I knew he had been strangled and kicked. Just appalling. They were so unwelcoming when we arrived I had serious doubts about leaving him there and wow, you should really go with your instincts.

After observing the parent involved picking a football team and leaving my gs out and walking off I decided enough was enough. It wasnt merit based, it was all his mates kids. I didn't even tell the school, I moved him and rang them after he had already started with the other school undertaking the paperwork for me.

A few days ago he told me how much happier he was without me asking. The new school is not perfect, none are, but there is a sense of fairness there. No-one is above the rules and all children are equal rather than some being more equal than others. There is absolutely no doubt you have done the right thing. I hope your dd is happy.

Original poster
Dothetwist · 20/12/2015 20:24

naice you're spot on with the headteacher comment. I definitely do feel like this headteacher is taking the easy life by her shirking off my previous complaints.

The bullying has come from the same children, in reception she was kicked in the privates by another girl so hard she wet herself Sad the head did nothing then either

OP posts:
brummiesue · 20/12/2015 22:01

Just saw your last post, this is disgusting! Your need to document all of this and report to the LEA, Ofstead...everyone possible to get this inadequate head sorted out. And as for the mum, she needs to lose her head of PTA position asap, so complain complain complain to everyone possible, governors, head absolutely everyone until it gets sorted, don't give up and be a little more assertive.

paulapompom · 20/12/2015 22:48

Excellent advice from Naice and others. elsiemc I am so sorry, that is shocking and disturbing. Flowers for you and gs x

StrangeLookingParasite · 20/12/2015 23:02

Jesus sept. Bullying a five year old, she really has hit the bottom of the barrel and started to dig. What a sad bitch.

StrangeLookingParasite · 20/12/2015 23:02

er, Jesus wept.

mrtwitsglasseye · 21/12/2015 00:10

Take her out of that school and home ed her until a place becomes available at the other school.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 21/12/2015 00:14

I don't suppose you are friends with any of these mums on Facebook
Maybe a passive aggressive post with a picture of the craft items and "thanking" her for giving them to your daughter as she was the only one in the class not to be invited and make some comment about her not having enough space at her house to squeeze another child in and how her lack of space obviously was making her feel guilty so she sent the craft stuff.
Ok not great at the passive aggressive stuff but something similar might embarrass the hell out of the witch as all her friends will see it

CainInThePunting · 21/12/2015 00:22

What a disgusting mother she is!
I think a post about how the craft stuff has gone to waste as you've had such a busy, fun and special weekend is in order but to acknowledge the 'kindness' of

ChinaSorrows · 21/12/2015 00:44

Sorry, I strongly disagree, don't air your dirty laundry on Facebook.

Write everything up document everything from the start

Inform school, governors, contact ofstead.

Do not engage outside of school. Don't give the school an excuse to dismiss

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/12/2015 00:48

My heart breaks for your DD too, and you. What an utterly foul situation for you both to find yourselves in - and all because some bitch can't act like a grown up but thinks it's ok to bully a 5yo child. :( Angry

I hope you get somewhere with Ofsted, the Governors etc. because it sounds like the Head is a lost cause. Good luck - this behaviour is unbelievably disgusting and should absolutely not be tolerated.

CainInThePunting · 21/12/2015 00:59

Chinasorrows, you are probably right.

My reaction was knee jerk and attack the nasty bitch but common sense says to go through the 'proper channels'.

I just find it astonishing that an adult would be so very nasty towards a child though. There is a special place in hell reserved for such a person.

So sorry you are dealing with this OP.

Fatmomma99 · 21/12/2015 01:24

Dothetwist, firstly, I'm going to say what has happened is disgusting and horrible, and I'm so, so sorry Flowers

But then I'm going to go against the thread (and expect to be flamed).

Yes, this woman sounds horrible - totally, totally vile. And although you might have a case for bullying your child, this thread is NOT it. You absolutely can and should not expect your child's school to get involved if your child isn't invited to a party out of school time and off school premises.
Why would they - that is nothing to do with them.

And it sounds like Queen Bee Bitch has her explation already written out - I don't have room, so couldn't invite everyone, but gave her a present anyway to soften the blow.

However horrible for your dd (and I do - honestly - get that it's horrible for her) there is nothing school-related in this. If you take this to OFSTED or gvnrs, they'll ignore it - it's not a school issue.

Sorry, but it isn't.

If you have school-related issues, by all means, report them.

And if you work in education you should know - they take a register, and have to report if a child isn't in school. If you keep a child off for a period without a proper reason, you risk a fine.

Sorry, I'm being a bitch when you really, really don't need that. I am truely sorry for the horrible situation, which I'm sure none of you deserves. x

kali110 · 21/12/2015 01:36

Wow your last post op, that is shocking!

LuluJakey1 · 21/12/2015 07:40

You are wrong fatmomma imho. I am a Deputy Head and if a parent complained to us that there child was being bullied and left out and told us another parent has sent their own child on the school premises, to hand over the bag of craft materials with that message, we would intervene.

We could not do anything about parties etc- but would mention them when we interviewed the mum about the bag of craft stuff. All we could do is interview her, tell her how inappropriate her behaviour is, warn her that she must not do it again on school premises or linked to the school and write her a formal letter telling her that. We could also write to the parents of girls in the class reminding them that one child being left out is hurtful and that we are an inclusive school where all children are encouraged to treat each other with kindness.

Most parents would be mortified that a child was being treated like that.

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