Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

[queenofthepirates]

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

I have nothing against vegetarians and I love lots of veggie food and eat it frequently but I would not go to a 100% veggie Christmas dinner. Neither would I go somewhere where the host wanted to serve me curry or lasagne on Christmas Day.

Christmas dinner needs to be Christmas dinner and for most people that means a roast dinner with meat. To be honest I think it's lucky you got people to agree to accept your invitation in the first place.

I don't think YABU for not wanting the meat on your table, but what would you do if you go to someone else's house to eat, and they have meat on their table? Would you refuse to go? Perhaps it's best you all just eat separately and get together before or after.

It sounds like she hated the vegetarian food you served last Xmas, as it did not in any way match her expectation of a Christmas Dinner (yum, a traditional Xmas Dinner is by far my favourite home cooked meal of the year), or possibly because she just didn't like what you served, and she is trying to come up with a way to avoid actually telling you that she struggled to choke it down, hence trying to bring something she would be okay to eat.

I wouldn't suggest bringing meat to a veggie/vegan household, but I dod sometimes wonder why, when I spend weeks stressing out over the perfect vegan meals for my s-i-l, if I go to visit them my least favourite vegetarian options ever feature every single fucking time. To the point that I am trying not to gag. So I'll never be going there for Xmas dinner!

I'm afraid that I would genuinely struggle to eat most of your menu(beetroot being edible only in small quantities, and "vegducken" traditionally containing a stuffing whose textures sets my gag reflex off every time). How about discussing the menu with your mum, and seeing if either that sets her mind at rest, or discover a veggie option that she might consider less vomit-inducing.

'Shouldn't a host make sure they are serving something that their guests want to eat?'

No. Veggies get to dictate, everyone else gets to do as they are told hmm

Well. I have no issue with committed vegetarians refusing to be at a table/kitchen where meat is prepared or served and I understand that doubly when it is their own table/kitchen.

But again I ask what do they do when they are invited for dinner at the homes of meat eaters? How do they cope in restaurants where the person at the next table is eating meat that has been cooked in the same kitchen as their non-meat meal?

If you are going to really put your foot down about this on moral grounds then it only really works if you just never, ever eat anywhere but veggie restaurants, veggie friends' houses or your own home.

I get that as the host you call the shots but I also think it's important to make sure your guests are actually enjoying their food and eating something they would expect/want to eat at such an important time as Christmas Day. Serving a fully veggie Christmas menu to meat eating guests smacks of being a bit preachy and imposing your values on them. I'd go with it happily at any other time but Christmas Day is different, people place a great deal of importance on traditions and customs that have endured for generations.

But as I said, the simple answer for me would be to say 'thanks but no thanks, we love our traditional Christmas turkey and we'd love to come and see you before lunch or after it.'

I love lots of veggie food but I'll be honest, I don't like that menu. Sorry OP.

I love beetroot, but Borscht is traditionally made with beef stock so a veggie one might taste... not quite right. And lots of people detest beetroot anyway so it's always a risky choice when entertaining.

I LOVE butternut squash but I think that squash-ducken thing looks to be all style and no substance. I suspect it will taste bland and a bit mushy. There is a distinct lack of protein in that dish.

And no Christmas pud? You could at LEAST have had Christmas pud. That would have been a bit of a consolation prize to make up for everything else.

*I would rather spend Christmas dinner with my mum and have her enjoy it, than spend it separately because she wanted to bring chicken with her. It's petty and pointless - you want a veggie dinner, she doesn't and is asking if she can bring chicken along to go with her meal.

My mum and I had many pointless arguments - she died suddenly in August, I didn't say goodbye and I will never see her again - I can't tell you how much I regret the pettiness every single day.

It's chicken fgs - get some perspective*

I totally agree with you but I think the OP/her mum are going to have to find things out for themselves, and hopefully not the hard way.

Personally I would have made a meat dish for her but then I do cook to cater for veggies and non veggies per meal daily. And for some the reality is that unless there's animal protein on a plate many people still feel hungry after a veggie meal, and whilst the OP's meal sounds delicious, I'd happily eat it and not need animal protein, it does come across as being a bit lightweight.

To do a chicken is no trouble at all, not is letting mum bring one with her, but I have a feeling the next thing will be - but what am I going to have it with, none of what you've made matches it trimming wise. It may even be what the OP is thinking - well what are you going to have with it.

Its all just a bit of a stubborn mess on both parts.

Im very sorry you lost your mum. Its horrible isnt it. Its 18 years for me and at 58 I still don't feel old enough to be without her. In fact I was crying for mine the other day. Something happened and I just wanted my mum. Im sorry your hurting so much. xxxxxxx

I think you are right about her mum nocool

or possibly because she just didn't like what you served, and she is trying to come up with a way to avoid actually telling you that she struggled to choke it down, hence trying to bring something she would be okay to eat.

I agree with you.

The other issue is that if the mother brings a roast chicken the OP may find that her other non-veggie guests might all fall on it gratefully like a pack of starved dogs and her poor vegducken thing will get overlooked and she'll have the double hump.

In fact i know my DH would be really peeved if he'd agreed to go to a vegetarian's house for dinner, agreed to give embrace a veggie meal as enthusiastically as possible, only to find that one person at the table has been allowed to have meat.

His face would be

Sansoora I'm probably projecting my own (raw) feelings onto the op right now, my Mum used to drive me bat shit at times but I can't tell you how much I wish she was still here to drive me crazy.

To be fair to your mum, if you were going to hers for Christmas dinner and she planned to serve chicken she would probably not be offended if you brought your own nut roast. I am not sure this is any different. She fancies chicken for her Christmas dinner so is bringing her own. Can't really see the problem.

I have never really understood why the wishes of a vegetarian trumps those of a carnivore. As others have said, when a vegetarian accepts an invitation for Christmas dinner, most hosts would make sure there were vegetarian options for their guest. So why when a carnivore accepts an invitation to dinner are their wishes to eat meat not taken into account. Isn't it part of being a good host, especially on Christmas Day, to make sure your guests are happy.

OP, your mother is not asking you to buy, or cook, or eat the chicken, so I am sorry if I offend by saying I feel it is you that are being unreasonable. Why not concentrate on making sure all your guests, especially your mother, have a really lovely day, especially as you say things have been difficult between you. None of us know how many more years we have our parents for, so why not be the bigger person and allow her to bring her chicken. Many people, maybe including yourself, will be desperately missing friends or family who can no longer be with them. As stolemyusername says, she wishes her mum was around to drive her bat shit. On Christmas Day I, like milllions of others, will be trying to make my guests comfortable. I have several foster children whose culture/dietary needs are different to ours and several relatives on a restricted diet through very poor health - and I am going to do my best to let them know how much I care by providing them with the food they are able to eat and enjoy. It's just you do, especially at Christmas. Maybe ask yourself what is more important - your vegetarianism or your mother? And maybe by allowing her some chicken that she will cook and bring would be a nice thing to do - maybe your relationship will be better because of it. But truly I think to refuse her this is being a little unkind. Be nice - and maybe she will be too.

Good luck whatever you decide.

To be fair to your mum, if you were going to hers for Christmas dinner and she planned to serve chicken she would probably not be offended if you brought your own nut roast. I am not sure this is any different. She fancies chicken for her Christmas dinner so is bringing her own. Can't really see the problem

I agree. Though as I say above, some (small but very vocal) vegetarians feel it is one rule for them, and another for someone else.

Been a vegetarian for many years now - and funnily enough the most offensive people to me have been meat eaters! At a pub buffet when there was only ham sarnies and sausage rolls on offer I was asked why I wasn't eating. I just said that I didn't eat meat, thank you, and was subject to a tirade of abuse including "Don't bother trying to convert us" - Well, i wasn't, I just didn't want to eat what was on offer. Surely not a problem? Same thing has happened on other occasions. I don't comment on what others eat, if they say they don't want it fine. If i was invited to a meat eaters house it would be just serve me the veggies, thanks. Don't go to any trouble for me. Point I'm trying to make is I wouldn't expect a meat eater to make something for me. However, if I thought it might be awkward, I just wouldn't go. How hard is it to refuse an invite? I think this is just a nasty woman's power play over her daughter. Not all mothers are nice people, sadly.

Well presumably if you eat at others' houses they make veggie food for you so I don't see the issue with her bringing her own meat. You don't have to eat it.

the difference is a vege cant eat the meat dish so has no choice.

a meat eater is able to eat the meal. shock horror even without meat.

secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

What an arsey and disingenuous thing to write.

If you go to dinner at a non-veggie home, are you happy that they make zero concessions to your eating preferences and just give you a plate of whatever vegetables they have cooked that haven't been prepared with meat of any kind?

Would you think it reasonable of them to say "oh, I'm sure you can manage without specialist vegetarian food for a few hours" and care nothing for serving you something you would find unappetising and unsatisfying?

I'm another who thinks your menu, particularly your main course, sounds minging. I love meals without meat in them, but I find dinners that make a meal of their lack of meat really depressing. Vegducken?

As for vegan, vegetarian, meat eater Venn diagram being concentric circles - that's only a diagram of what they are permitted to eat.

Vegan cheese will appear in the middle circle , despite the fact that most vegans won't touch it because it's an insult to food.

A Venn diagram of what vegans/veggies/meat eaters regularly eat will be overlapping circles. Not many non-veggies enjoy soy mince or use quorn or TVP.

But that's the thing. meat eaters will go several meals without meat without realising

cereal fir breakfast. jacket potato with cheese and beans fir lunch, cheeses and mushroom on letter or macaroni cheese.

tomato soup and a roll etc

then suddenly the second someone's invited to dinner it's an issue

takes the piss

You cater for guests so that they enjoy themselves and are comfortable. Isn't that what a good host does? I cook for veggies, etc when they come round and show them respect for what they want to eat. I don't contaminate their food with things they don't want to eat.

I don't understand this double standard.

You both sound power crazed, and I say this as a lifelong vegetarian. One thing turning up at a friend's and eating what you're given politely but for your own family you can't be arsed to make an effort to score points?

You're as bad as each other and with attitudes like that I can't imagine your Christmas table will be a very festive place to be.

Perhaps she thought you'd cater for her carnivorous side last year and was disappointed you didn't, so she is trying to be helpful(?) and bring some chicken (not asking you to cook it etc.) to cater for those who might prefer it. However, it is a bit off if you have made your feelings clear.

A compromise would be 'Don't worry, I have got you a bit of chicken in' and then present her with a bag of those Walkers crisps that contain real dead bird.

Because if you don't cook something vege then they have nothing

where's a meat eater can still eat everything regardless.

the same way someone who can't drink alcohol has nothing if all you have bought is wine. but someone who drinks alcohol cab still drunk. the lemonade

Giles, we regularly eat veggie without thinking about it but all things you have mentioned arw very bland and inoffensive. I love beetroot and but my other half physicallly cannot handle it. It is such a dividing food. You cannot compare potato to beetroot.
I am sorry to everyone who has lost their mums on this thread and understand why you would post it but without knowing more of the backstory it is difficult to say why their relationship is so strained, so I won't say do it for that reason. However I cater for vegetarians and in fact any of my friends who have food restrictions and I do not think this menu is particularly embracing for most people really.

meat eaters will go several meals without meat without realising

Without realising?

You think only vegetarians know that there is no meat in cereal or tomato soup?

Most non-veggies don't enjoy food that so obviously lacks meat as something called a fecking "vegducken".

It rather draws attention to its lack of meat, even for people who haven't noticed that an apple is a non-meat snack.

Unless there really is a duck with a chicken inside it stuffed inside the butternut squash? Is that why the chicken would spoil the dinner?

I'm interested in why the OP described it as a Scandanavian menu, when it quite clearly doesn't bear much resemblance to what scandanavians actually eat.
Also, are all the other nine people vegetarian?

Everybody's saying one meal with out meat won't hurt, and while I agree with that in general (am 80% vegetarian), this is not just any meal, but Christmas dinner. It's a special occasion and I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want to eat something she really likes for the most important meal of the year. I agree that she could bring slices though rather than a big chunk of meat.