Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 32 33

Original poster

Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

807 replies

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 20:41

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

BathtimeFunkster · 18/12/2015 07:40

a meat eater can still eat everything regardless.

I couldn't eat that vegducken. It would turn my stomach. And I like butternut squash.

Vegetarians choose a diet and expect that diet that they have chosen to be respected by people who host them.

Other people also have food preferences that need to be accommodated by considerate hosts.

KakiFruit · 18/12/2015 07:42

Eating meat in a vegetarian's house is different from eating vegetarian food in a meat-eater's house because:

The meat eater doesn't have an ethical problem with the vegetarian's food.
The meat-eater can eat both meals, the vegetarian can only eat one.

Hope that helps the people who appear to be confused.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/12/2015 07:42

those preferences can still be vege though can't they?

no need to bring a chicken.

I've already said I'm. Not keen on the menu but I'd still be polite. or I'd ask if something I would like can be made that isn't offensive to the host.

MidniteScribbler · 18/12/2015 07:44

*the difference is a vege cant eat the meat dish so has no choice.

a meat eater is able to eat the meal. shock horror even without meat.*

But it's very possible that the OP's mother doesn't like the choices on offer. Just because a meal is labelled vegetarian and everyone can eat it, doesn't mean they like it. I hate beetroot and eggplant. I'd hate the OP's meal on offer.

As a grown adult, I'm actually allowed to eat what I like, and not eat what I don't. If a parent can't say to their own child that they're bringing something to a meal that they will eat, then the relationship is seriously screwed up.

ghostspirit · 18/12/2015 07:45

if i missed out on meat on xmas day i would end up with roast potatoes and carrots as i dont eat anything else. so for me i would miss the meat.

noeffingidea · 18/12/2015 07:45

Giles it's an issue because for most meat eaters a dinner is built around the meat (or fish), especially a celebration meal such as Christmas dinner. So to them something is missing without it.
Of course they can 'do without' meat for one meal, but Christmas dinner is traditionally supposed to be the best meal of the year. (at least in England), so 'doing without' really defeats the object of inviting someone as a guest in your home.

WeThreeMythicalKings · 18/12/2015 07:48

Just let her bring some chicken sliced up. It's Christmas and for most people that means white meat.

I loathe most veggie food, especially pretend roast.

MoMoTy · 18/12/2015 07:49

It's Christmas op, just let your own mother eat what she wants. Sorry just seems truly mean and spiteful, to control what other people want to eat. Just because it's veggie meals doesn't mean the person will like it.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/12/2015 07:49

The meat eater doesn't have an ethical problem with the vegetarian's food.

Maybe they do.

Maybe they have a problem with people who expect to have meals planned around their ethics in other people's homes and are happy to foist collateral vegetarianism on hosts and other guests but think their moral superiority means that they can just plan meals to suit themselves and it's totally fine if their guests go hungry.

(Disclaimer: all my vegetarian friends are nice and not dicks and wouldn't expect to serve a squash for Chrustmas dinner to their meat eating mother and refuse to let her bring s chicken she cooked st home)

FishWithABicycle · 18/12/2015 07:49

Yanbu to be offended by your mum wanting to bring chicken. That basically translates as "your hospitality is inadequate and the food you plan to serve me will not sustain or nourish me" which is very rude.

However, why on earth are you hosting Christmas two years in a row when there are keen meat eaters in the family? Yabu or at least your whole family ibu (for agreeing to it) for that. It seems obvious that if a family of mainly meat eaters had a vegetarian Christmas last year there should be at least a couple of Christmases at other family members' homes before you host again.

ghostspirit · 18/12/2015 07:49

i agree with midnite the mums xmas dinner would be ruined as she cant enjoy it. if it was me i would be quite upset and probably would not go to the meal.

OhJustGetOnWithIt · 18/12/2015 07:54

I think you need to step back and consider what you want to do about your relationship with your mother. You haven't given much info about what it's like and you don't need to post about it. But rather than get dragged into this particular battle where you might be repeating the kind of behaviour you dislike in her, why not take time to plan a more effective way of resolving your difficulties. This lunch has the potential to backfire spectacularly. On the other hand, by playing the gracious adult host for the time being, you'll give yourself chance to pick your battles carefully. Let her bring her slices of chicken in a box. She'll be the one who is choosing to behave like a knob with no manners anyway.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/12/2015 08:04

Well she can sit at home then and scoff her turkey.

or join in the theme and offer to bring something that's vegetarian, that she will eat and that everyone can try.

WeAllHaveWings · 18/12/2015 08:04

To be honest as a meat eater your main would be a huge disappointment for me which I would try to eat just enough to be polite and fill up on Quality Street later!

Its a very "vegetarian" type meal which a lot of people just wouldn't enjoy, and for a special meal like Christmas lunch not considerate to your guests.

Your mum is offering to cook and provide an alternative for those that enjoy a more traditional meal. It's probable she and others, enjoyed your company last Xmas, but didn't enjoy your veggie meal as much as you think they did.

Someone else is offering to cook for your guests needs, I think you are being a precious drama llama talking about "dead birds" on your table.

Roussette · 18/12/2015 08:06

So it's a stuffed butternut squash instead of turkey? I'm afraid I would feel rather shortchanged for Christmas lunch too. If I have vegetarians over, I bend over backwards catering for them, why can't you do the same for your DM?

If it were me, I would do the stuffed squash thing with lovely vegetables and side dishes, and actually cook a chicken or turkey for those that wanted it. When my veggie friends come over, I have great fun doing a veggie dish for them but I don't insist all my meat eating friends and me have to eat it too. Why can't there be alternatives?

I hate beetroot too and why is it vegducken, is it supposed to look like a stuffed turkey ? If it were any other meal, perhaps OK, but not at Christmas. It's tradition with your DM, just give a bit and embrace it all. Christmas is not the time for scoring points.

This is nothing to do with meals, it's about you two and differences and not getting on etc.

flanjabelle · 18/12/2015 08:14

Honestly op, I would say that if she is not happy to have the meal offered, she shouldn't come.

Goingtobeawesome · 18/12/2015 08:14

Tell her not to come. She's been mean to you and she can't give you consideration regarding the chicken.

Sallystyle · 18/12/2015 08:18

I really can't believe that people would prefer their own mother to eat somewhere else at Xmas instead of bringing her own chicken.

Xmas is about the company first and foremost. I am not that precious about my cooking that I would rather my own mother eat something she doesn't really want on Xmas day. I want her to be happy, so if that means she brings something else to eat with her then so be it. It just isn't that important.

I would be very disappointed to be served OP's Xmas lunch, but I know that without a doubt my close family would much prefer my company and wouldn't give two craps if I brought something with me to eat that I would enjoy. They would encourage it.

If someone is that precious that they think I'm saying 'their hospitality is inadequate' if I didn't want to eat their veggie Xmas lunch I would think they were really bloody strange. We all have our own personal tastes and it really isn't personal to you that I don't want to eat butternut squash on Xmas day.

It's just a chicken, not worth the battle. She gets to eat what she wants, you get to eat what you want. No harm done.

Absolutely this. I can't ever imagine a time where this kind of thing would be an issue with the people who love me the most. Clearly the OP and her mother aren't that close but I'm shocked that so many people agree that it is acceptable to tell their mother to suck it up or eat elsewhere.

TheoriginalLEM · 18/12/2015 08:20

We were veggie one year, i still cooked a "turkey" which turned out to be a chicken, whole other thread, for my mum and oldest DD. A turkey is a christmas tradition in my mum's family and i didn't feel it was fair to impose my chioces on her. I had no problems handling the meat though which some veggies might.

My mushroom wellington tasted much nicer than turkey i have to say

RufusTheReindeer · 18/12/2015 08:25

I think its karma

All those years of the OP not wanting to eat food as a child and her mum saying "just try it" or " no you can't have fishfingers you will have turkey like everykne else"

And now mum can't try something new

SoupDragon · 18/12/2015 08:26

Whilst I don't like the sound of your meal options at all, I would just stay quiet, eat what I like and push the rest about on my plate. It's called good manners.

Taking a chicken is surely just about control.

noeffingidea · 18/12/2015 08:31

Giles why even bother to invite people for christmas dinner with that kind of attitude? It's not exactly hospitable.
TBH, with 10 guests, I would be offering an alternative anyway, even if they were all vegetarian. I wouldn't expect all 10 guests to enjoy the same thing.
If I was a vegetarian with really strong moral objections to having meat in the house (which would lead to veganism for most people) then I would cook something that most closely resembled and tasted like meat. The OP's choice of main course doesn't come into that category, as far as I can see.

Iagreewithmrsdevere · 18/12/2015 08:36

I'm amazed at the number of comments on this thread suggesting that it is reasonable to take meat to a vegetarian run household. I scoff animal products at every given opportunity, but would not dream of taking my own meat if I was invited to a vegetarian friends house, whatever the occasion. There will not exactly be a shortage of opportunities for turkey dinners with pigs in blankets etc over the festive period.

whois · 18/12/2015 08:42

Thoughts aside on the menu - i feel like his is more about the power struggles between the OP and her mum.

Most parents (especially if having a 'real' Christmas dinner at the weekend) would go, eat the food (or ask in advance about a veggie alternative if they couldn't stand the main) and enjoy the company and the day. And then enjoy telling all their friends about the veggie Christmas their daughter had cooked for them.

To be honest I might have done something a little more 'traditional English' veggie main as an alternative. Maybe a mushroom/chestnut veggie pastry thing or something.

Sallystyle · 18/12/2015 08:44

If it is cooked and the OP doesn't have to touch it why is it a problem?

OP doesn't have to eat it or touch it. I am sure she can cope with the sight of meat for one meal.

This isn't her friend though, it's her daughter and if you can't bring chicken to your daughter's house when they are cooking stuffed squash for Xmas day then that is a very strange relationship.

Not many people will want stuffed squash for Xmas day. Being a good host is about catering for everyone, surely? OP has to decide what is more important to her. Her mum eating her stuffed squash which she isn't happy to eat, or not having her mum come at all. Or alternatively OP could be happy with her meal and her mum can be happy with hers. I know which I would prefer.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 32 33