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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

807 replies

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 20:41

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

OP posts:
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8
TendonQueen · 17/12/2015 22:39

jello My mum would not ask for something she knew would make me feel bad. She is a very gracious person and would always eat what anyone offered her with appreciation. OP's mum, not so much.

Jux · 17/12/2015 22:39

If I were invited to a meal by vegetarians, I'd expect vege food. I wouldn't bring meat with me, that is incredibly rude.

Tell your mum that the invitation's rescinded.

noeffingidea · 17/12/2015 22:41

Agree with you mellojello . I find it really weird, tbh. I don't understand why the OP is even inviting her Mum. She's pissed off with her and doesn't care if she enjoys her meal or not.
I've been vegetarian for 20 years, on Christmas day I will be cooking meat for my family (like I do most days) because I want them to enjoy their meal, and no they wouldn't enjoy a vegetarian alternative.

lorelei9 · 17/12/2015 22:42

Skzr, the OP has said her mum is nasty to her a lot etc. And I think your other stuff is assuming everyone has the same experience of motherhood etc

Tbh you sound like you might be the OP's mum with the whole "what's a little chicken after all I've done for you".

The beef/chicken example is a good one. If Op mum is so desperate for meat she can actually just eat at home.

elfycat · 17/12/2015 22:43

I've been a vegetarian, now a meat-heavy carnivore but going towards veggie again. Turns out it's hormone thing for me... I'm menopausal and meat just tastes wrong at time - linked to hormone/bleeding. Last time I was this way was adolescence. I had to apologise to a friend for not being able to eat a carbonara she served as I simply could not eat the bacon/ham. And by not able to I mean I really could not have swallowed it without inducing vomiting. I refused all offers of an alternative and ate the pasta around it as best I could. Anything else would be rude.

There is nothing in a vegetarian meal that a meat-eater cannot manage. Therefore it is bollocks that it is offensive to serve this (unless to a more stringent dietary requirement such as allergies or veganism). Even DH who is a meat-based creature will at a non-meat meal.

YANBU. Serve me shell-fish and I'll dodge the (allergy D&V) stuff politely without a fuss. Serve me or T-Rex DH a meat-free meal and we'll enjoy the dishes you serve us.

This is the least of the requirements of a polite guest. If you cannot manager polite then feel free to decline invitations.

Mmmmcake123 · 17/12/2015 22:48

Comparisons with being invited by a friend and being rude to a host by refusing to eat there food are slightly straying from the fact that it is a mum and daughter, surely you shouldn't have to be as formal in that situation. If a friend accepted a request to eat with me and was then unhappy with the menu I would be offended but if my mum made a request I would just go with it (obviously not a bird on the table but pre-cooked in tin foil doesn't sound too bad). Also, she may have eaten it last year but surely her request this year shows it wasn't really to her taste. Vegetarian food is often very tasty but not always and she may just want something she knows she can stomach. When I first turned veggie I often went to restaurants, chose the veggie option and honestly about half the time the meal provided actually turned my stomach. It's just down to what you are used to I suppose.

PrincessFiorimonde · 17/12/2015 22:50

I'm tired of being screamed at by my mother, she's been unkind to me for a long time and I'm putting my foot down over this meal.

Oh OP, these Flowers are for you; and [mouldy carrots] for your mother. Hope the rest of your family treats you with kindness and consideration, not just at Christmas but all year round.

Skzr1214 · 17/12/2015 22:50

Loreli9, see I started my first para with the words"IF there is no background story. I just read her original post and impeded to comment. My mistake. In this case, the issue is obviously not chicken which means no invitation for mom as she is going to find some other way of picking a fight or something even if she is allowed to bring her chicken.
As for me, I think being incredibly grateful to my parents is very different from expecting the same from my kids. And many people here have said how their own parents / in laws cook different things for them. So long as enjoying the company and the holiday is the aim. That's not the case here. I did not read the later posts by her.

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2015 22:53

mmmm the op has said she has a strained relationship with her mother-you can't just assume everyone has a easy time sorting things out with their mum. I often find it much less formal dealing with friends than my dad.

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2015 22:57

This thread is interesting in another way though-I said I was cooking chicken not turkey on another thread and had lots of posters berating me for practically ruining Christmas because Christmas dinner wasn't a proper dinner unless turkey was served. I'm glad there are so many reasonable posters out there who don't think there's only one correct version of Christmas dinner.

Mmmmcake123 · 17/12/2015 22:58

The strained relationship is the reason for my post. OPs mum is not on this thread, but assuming mum is at fault for the strained relationship it still won't help to be awkward back to her. I think cut her some slack and then she won't have grounds to continue being mean. Dig heels in and it will go on and on......
Someone needs to be the bigger person imo

Skzr1214 · 17/12/2015 23:02

Mmmmcake123, very wise words. Xxx

NorksAreMessy · 17/12/2015 23:08

Spectacularly rude of your mother!
Your dinner sounds delicious and I suspect there is FAR more to this than the basic facts in your OP.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 17/12/2015 23:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable, and your menu sounds delicious!

As others have said, she can have her fill of meat at breakfast?

Canyouforgiveher · 17/12/2015 23:14

Sorry, but Xmas dinner without some poultry is just not on

This made me smile. Fuck family it is the poultry that captures the whole spirit of christmas.

PrincessFiorimonde · 17/12/2015 23:17

MidniteScribbler
Surely there's a big difference between your polite suggestion - "Oh, I'm not a big fan of beef, do you mind if I bring some to add to the table?" - and my rather curt suggestion: Oh, beef - YUK! I'll take my own chicken instead!

You're absolutely right, of course, that most people would talk in the polite way you suggest.

But IMO the OP's mother seems to be talking in the more abrupt fashion that I've suggested, and this is what the OP is finding hurtful.

Original poster
queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 23:18

Lots to think over, thank you.

OP posts:
Puffpastry1 · 17/12/2015 23:20

Why is it such a terrible thing? will you be contaminated by it? Each to their own and if she wants to bring a chicken and eat it then that's fine.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 17/12/2015 23:22

Caramelised potatoes in denmark - delicious

I never find 'caramelised' does them justice, and tend to refer to them as sugar potatoes instead. The fact that there's only a week to go till I get to stuff my face with them is making me well up a little bit. Highlight. Of. The. Year.

ouryve · 17/12/2015 23:22

IHaveBrilloHair Thu 17-Dec-15 20:50:45

Tell her it's fine but not to bother, you'll get her some, and then carve a veggie roast thing for her and hope she doesn't notice.

___

You know, I would happily tuck into the veggie scandi spread but, if someone offered me heavily processed fake meat and tried to pass it off as real chicken I would actually notice. They are very different.

MidniteScribbler · 17/12/2015 23:30

But IMO the OP's mother seems to be talking in the more abrupt fashion that I've suggested, and this is what the OP is finding hurtful

We don't know how she said it. From the OP, it was 'Come for Christmas dinner." "OK, I'll bring the chicken." The OP has other issues with her mother would could lead to her taking that as criticism of her cooking. It could be as basic as her mother offering a contribution to the meal.

Among my family and friends, bring-a-plate is generally pretty standard. It would actually be a bit weird getting a dinner invite and not actually offering to bring something. Sometimes it's 'OK, bring a salad', other times it's 'Don't worry, I've got it all' (which is Australian for 'bring wine, lots of wine!'.

Baconyum · 17/12/2015 23:30

I'm veggie, dd isn't, actually don't know what we're having yet!

I wouldn't mind a guest bringing chicken for themselves but given the back story aspect I was coming on to say OP could suggest mother brings a fewfew slices for herself but not to make a big deal of it. Mothers reaction to this (which is a perfectly acceptable compromise) will tell you whether it's about chicken or a power play. I suspect the latter.

ouryve · 17/12/2015 23:35

Obladioblada I'm not surprised you couldn't get butternut squash in Scandinavia - it's a rare year that it will grow successfully in most of northern England. It really needs a warm, dry autumn to grow and ripen.

And FFS, I'm tired of seeing the "would you expect meat eaters to serve you veggie food" arguments. People who eat meat are not carnivores. A Venn diagram of meat eaters, vegetarians and vegans would show concentric rather than inter-linked circles.

Katarzyna79 · 17/12/2015 23:35

OP did you eat meat growing up, I suspect you did since your mother is a meat eater. If you had told me you had never eaten meat and from day 1 were on a vegetarian diet I could understand your sheer disgust.

But I think for one day its an annual special occasion can't you tolerate the sight of the meat? She can leave the chicken in the Kitchen and plate it up from there? I know it's still sort of rude but for the sake of Love and peace on this occasion I would.

I'm a meat eater but ive had family wedding where we had all veggy food because the brides family came from a religious background different to ours, where most of them were veggies. They expressed their disgust at our meat diet, which I thought was rude, but we didn't want arguments, it was my brothers choice to marry this girl and we were there to make sure he was happy, so we offered to supply vegetarian cuisine if they agreed to have no alcohol since we don't drink. I think they hated that idea, but no choice really lol

I think you should come to a compromise for your mother.

ouryve · 17/12/2015 23:48

My bruv and sis are veggie. They were both served meat growing up and hated it, particularly my bruv, so suggesting OP must be ok with it because they grew up with it is quite silly, really.

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