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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

807 replies

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 20:41

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

OP posts:
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Skzr1214 · 17/12/2015 22:15

Errrr... I might sound a bit rude to you but IF this is the only thing (and mother background story happening there like others suggested), then may be try and consider it a bit? Christmas is a time to include all and she did spend years to do unbearably hard things for you decades ago. I totally get your exasperation, having a father who basically practically taught some really bad manner (roll eyes) to my kid "out of pure and completely biased love"! (Biased towards my son of course as all other human beings including me and my hubby are on some agenda to hurt his grandkids! Parents do tend to be like this specially on important days. Urrghhh . Hope you find some solution somehow.

lorelei9 · 17/12/2015 22:16

OP glad to hear you are putting your foot down
I find her suggestion beyond rude. Who the hell turns up for a meal and brings their own food, unless for allergy!

Tell her to come over after...or better still not at all if she isn't nice to you.

theycallmemellojello · 17/12/2015 22:16

My point is, if you were invited to Christmas at a close family member's house and they excitedly told you about a menu they were planning that sounded completely disgusting to you, would it not at least cross your mind that bringing a dish for yourself might be preferable to (a) asking the family member, (b) choking down some food you didn't like or (c) going hungry? I don't actually think it's that unusual for English people to be uncomfortable with foreign cooking - why else are restaurants like wagamama/pizza express/chipotle etc popular if everyone loves authentic japanese/italian/Mexican etc. it might be terribly unsophisticated not to like Scandinavian cuisine but it's not a moral failing. So personally I don't think there's a problem with the mum thinking she'll bring something she wants to eat. The only problem is she doesn't see why she can't eat meat as long as she's not forcing it on anyone else, and the op doesn't want meat in her house. Personally, I reckon that it's reasonable not to want the meat cooked there, but don't really see why it's a problem to have someone eating meat. Hence suggesting prepared food like ham as an alternative.

Rafterplease · 17/12/2015 22:16

am I the only one who clicked on this thread hoping thinking the mother was bringing along an actual live chicken for some reason?

Hissy · 17/12/2015 22:17

Good for you for sticking with it.

Would you benefit from popping over to stately homes thread to talk about her unkindness?

theycallmemellojello · 17/12/2015 22:17

Eek option (a) should say 'asking the family member to change the menu'

BastardGoDarkly · 17/12/2015 22:20

Oh my goodness, I've just looked up Jamie Oliver's pistachio and cranberry nut roast. I'm so making that for my Christmas dinner! (Will be doing beef fit everyone else, but I do like them!)

Op YANBU have a lovely Christmas

RB68 · 17/12/2015 22:21

the mother doesn't know what she is cooking she never bothered asking

29redshoes · 17/12/2015 22:23

I think she's being a bit odd and her approach is quite rude, but if it were me I'd do what others have said and suggest she slice some in the kitchen and have it on her plate, rather than have it on the table.

My DH and his family are all veggie and we go for Christmas dinner at his house every other year. His parents always ask me if I'd like them to get some turkey, even though they haven't eaten meat for decades. They always say that when DH goes to my family's house for Christmas my parents wouldn't dream of not making him a separate vegetarian meal - so they feel they should make the same effort for me!

I've never taken them up on the offer but I think it's really kind of them, and it genuinely means a lot to me.

PresidentUnderwood · 17/12/2015 22:24

Whilst I agree wth OP, I think this thread is getting a bit carried away with itself "good veggie Christmas recipes". Now, that sounds like one of those oxymoron things.

Next thing you know, we'll have the vegans starting on the sheer delights of mushroom pate 🙄

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2015 22:26

Yanbu at all, very rude. If she's that desparate for meat then she should go somewhere else for dinner, and come afterwards.

lorelei9 · 17/12/2015 22:26

Skzr, mystified by your post. Working on the basis that the mother wanted to have a child, why should said child allow mother to be so rude? Or did I miss something? "Unbearably hard things?"

Mmmmcake123 · 17/12/2015 22:30

29 to me that is exactly how it should be. They probably know you won't take them up on the offer but show respect by asking. OP your relationship with mother doesn't sound good at all, but if you both dig heels in it won't get any better. Hope you manage some real Christmas spirit between the two of you, life is too short for stress of this nature xx

BackforGood · 17/12/2015 22:31

I think YABabitU.
Last year she did try, but clearly, along with a large % of people, she feels that Christmas dinner without meat is just not right for her. she's trying not to put you out so has offered to bring some meat for her plate, and you are saying she can't. Even though I presume you expect her to make something different for her when you eat at hers? She'd not asking you to eat it, or cook it, or prepare it in any way, she's just going to put a bit on her own plate, so she gets to enjoy the meal too.

MidniteScribbler · 17/12/2015 22:31

Actually, even taking away the fact there is no meat, your menu sounds hideous to me. Borscht? Beetroot makes me ill, so I couldn't eat it. And vegducken? Stop calling it duck when there is no fucking duck in it! It's just a bunch of vegetables rolled together in an attempt to pretend it's a meat dish. I'd need to stop at Maccas on the way home to actually eat something after gagging my way through a few bites of food at your place and you can bet I'd be offering to bring a contribution so there was something on the table I actually wanted to eat.

I bet if you go to your mothers house you expect there to be something on the menu for you. She's offering to cook it and bring it herself, she's not forcing you to eat it. Do you really think it makes you a good host if you aren't actually willing to cater to the tastes of your guests?

PrincessFiorimonde · 17/12/2015 22:31

I agree with the posters above who pointed out that if you are invited somewhere for a meal, it's rude to accept - but then take your own food with you (allergies/religious reasons excepted, of course).

Suppose we non-veggies accepted an invitation to Christmas dinner. But then the hosts said they were serving beef. Would we really respond by saying (basically), "Oh, beef - YUK! I'll take my own chicken instead!"

So - if you don't like the sound of the food offered, OR if it's more important to you to eat chicken/turkey/goose/partridge than it is to just share a meal in the company of other people - then simply turn down the meal, and join the celebrations afterwards instead.

Hope it all works out, OP!

theycallmemellojello · 17/12/2015 22:34

Would people really prefer their own mum not to come to Christmas dinner than to have her bring something she likes to eat? That seems so extreme.

Skzr1214 · 17/12/2015 22:34

Lorelei9, well, I wanted to have my babies with all my heart and Knee as much about parenthood as you can get from others around you and from books and even mumsnet itself, but it never made me ready for what was coming my way. I started looking at my parents in an absolutely different way and found a love and respect for them that I never had before in my heart. And I think nearly all mothers go through this incredibly difficult time for their babies. We all cry and hardly sleep and wreck our bodies doing it all. And I am happy that I was able to love my parents more for it. So what's a little chicken. It's ok. Mothers used to wash poops without disposable diapers some decades ago! Imagine that! Urrghhh

G1veMeStrength · 17/12/2015 22:34

She's being very rude- I think I would 'let' her be rude and bring the chicken. Then it would piss me off and I'd get silently crosser all day and eventually sink to her level of rudeness and leave the chicken somewhere the cat was bound to find it...

(I don't have a cat of my own but I expect the neighbour's would pop in if sufficiently tempted)

Skzr1214 · 17/12/2015 22:36

Ha ha ha. Sorry for Th horrible spell errors. Typing in speed mean I typed "heart and knee" instead of "heart and knew"!

Sallystyle · 17/12/2015 22:36

If my close family member was cooking me a veggie Xmas dinner I would ask if I could bring meat for myself.

I don't understand why that is offensive really. My sister has just gone vegetarian again after 8 years of being a meat eater. I said she was more than welcome to bring her own veggie dish at xmas with her or tell me what she would like me to cook for her.

I am a fussy eater and could not eat that main dish. I would assume that my close family member would prefer me to bring my own meat and enjoy the meal and just be happy with my company. As long as she cooks the meat at hers I see no reason to put your foot down at all.

I would much rather my mum come for Xmas dinner and bring her own food if she doesn't like something I am cooking then not come at all, but obviously there is much more at play here OP.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/12/2015 22:37

Op - you have spoken about her unkindness towards you. There is only one example of unkindness in this thread and it's going in her direction.
She may well be being rude to ask, but you are being unkind to not let her have a few slices of chicken on her plate. After all, it will affect you not a jot.

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/12/2015 22:38

Yanbu.

unless she's allergic she's being rude.

if she's concerned about the menu why not just ask and you can work on it together to ensure there's plenty she likes.

if you accept an. invite at a vegetarian persons house you are obviously not going to get meat. why people think the sky is going to cave In if they go one meal without meat I don't know.

can't say your menu inspires me and I love vege/vegan food.

but I would be polite and try it or ask you to explain further what it is and provided I knew.you well enough I'd suggest alternatives for me if you were ok with that. but vege of course.

Jux · 17/12/2015 22:38

I like a good mushroom pate ..... (Not a vegan.)

MidniteScribbler · 17/12/2015 22:39

Suppose we non-veggies accepted an invitation to Christmas dinner. But then the hosts said they were serving beef. Would we really respond by saying (basically), "Oh, beef - YUK! I'll take my own chicken instead!"'

See, I would have absolute no issue with this. "Oh, I'm not a big fan of beef, do you mind if I bring some to add to the table?" "Of course not, can't wait to see you." As a host, it's more important to me that my guests are eating something they actually want to eat.