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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

807 replies

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 20:41

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

OP posts:
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Sansoora · 21/12/2015 02:43

Thanks everyone, I can't believe this is still going! I've had a nice chat with my stepdad (mum's husband) and we've come up with a bigger menu (points about vegducken taken on board!). He's very much with me about mum bringing a chicken, he thinks it's daft. I think he'll probably have a firm word with her.

Jeezy peeps, how could you do that to your mum? The headmaster husband is going to have a firm word with her?

After that I'd be re-thinking the whole menu and making sure whatever you now serve as a main is too big to be stuck up your collective arses by mum on Christmas Day.

Bogeyface · 21/12/2015 02:46

So you got your own way and to hell with the mother you fell out with instead of trying to meet her in the middle?

Way to go.

FYI...dont expect next year to be any different to this one.

Greydog · 21/12/2015 06:12

I love the way there's so many bleeding hearts for dear old mum. I'm glad that so many people have such good relationships with their mothers, but please, remember that not all people do. The OP is one. She said her mother has been horrible to her. If you've not had a strained relationship with a parent then don't be judging the OP - go and read the Stately Homes thread.

Sansoora · 21/12/2015 06:38

Im no stranger to a dysfunctional relationship with a parent. I would also enjoy what the OP is serving up. But, to be feeling all warm and cosy because her Step Dad is going to have a firm word with her Mum is awful.

If the OP cant do her own dirty work she shouldn't be asking anyone else to do it for her. She should have the courage of her convictions.

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 08:46

sansoora, the OP has resolved the problem in a way that is clearly right for her family.

This thread is done - let it go!

Sansoora · 21/12/2015 09:04

Hey Rhonda - try practicing what you preach.

Let it go!

rageagainsttheBIL · 21/12/2015 10:02

No, it wouldn't kill me to not eat meat for one meal but importantly, I wouldn't enjoy that meal and what's the point in inviting people over to eat food you know they won't enjoy.

I think this is the strangest thing I've ever read.

You wouldn't enjoy a meal unless it had meat in? Are you for real? What are you, a lion with opposable thumbs?

OP I'm glad you have resolved it and I hate to say it but I do think the vegducken did sound a bit... Squashy. We are doing some filthy blue cheese, chestnut and spinach in pastry thing for our veggie option.

noeffingidea · 21/12/2015 10:09

rage quite a lot of people wouldn't enjoy a meal (or at least a dinner) without meat in it, special christmas dinner.
Of course they are real, as real as you.

cleaty · 21/12/2015 10:30

I love vegetarian food. But Christmas dinner should be traditional. There is nothing traditional in the OPs menu at all. So I would not be happy with it.

TheKitchenWitch · 21/12/2015 11:53

But in what way is CHICKEN a traditional Christmas thing? That's just having meat for the sake of it, surely?
And if your're going for the traditional argument, then surely you need a few more traditional components?

cleaty · 21/12/2015 11:56

Chicken was traditional 50 years ago when chicken was expensive.
But it is the lack of parsnips, stuffing, brussels sprouts, pigs in blankets and Christmas pudding that I would realy object to.

KakiFruit · 21/12/2015 12:10

If you're "not happy" with a menu on offer for some arbitrary reason then you decline the invitation. You don't ask to bring something that the host objects to on ethical grounds.

momb · 21/12/2015 12:12

Well done OP. I think this is a positive outcome. You've acknowledged that a single, quite specialised, choice may not suit everyone so can offer two contrasting choices. We already know that the chicken thing isn't about needing meat on Christmas day as she ate and enjoyed veggie past year. This way you give her a nod towards offering more choices so there'll definitely be something, but you don't have to compromise your veggie principles.
She gets a little control back, you get to be the host in your own home. win-win.

ISaySteadyOn · 21/12/2015 12:23

I have read the whole thread and I think one part of OP's later posts has been missed:

She's (OP's mum) is also doing her own Christmas meal this weekend for other members of the family who can't make the day-full meat fest with all the trimmings so not like she's not getting traditional food this year.

So everyone talking about how the mother isn't getting a proper Christmas meal, she actually will be having one herself. It is just the OP's meal she objects to. Or is the problem that that meal isn't actually on Christmas Day so it doesn't count?

OP, sounds like it might all work. Good for you.

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 13:27

Chicken was traditional when I was a child- it was so expensive that most people only had it at Easter and Christmas. Turkey is a relatively recent "tradition". And generally a pretty disgusting one, to be honest. We never have turkey.

derxa · 21/12/2015 13:32

Bertrand I'm old enough to remember this. And chicken was much better then.

GingerIvy · 21/12/2015 13:45

So you've had a word with her husband and he's going to have a "firm word" with her? And you think this is an improvement?

Honestly, the more you wig out over this, the more I think you're the unreasonable one here. You're going to this length, including stirring between your stepdad and your mum, over a bit of chicken?!?! And you think your MUM is the one that is overbearing?

Bizarre. Just bizarre.

PrivatePike · 21/12/2015 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cleaty · 21/12/2015 14:04

What the OP is providing is a meal, which is fine. But to some of us traditions are important. Just because her mum ate the veggie Christmas meal last Christmas, does not mean that she was really happy with it.

I am catering for visitors this Christmas. We normally have a mixture of traditional and non traditional food. But to keep everyone happy I am cooking a traditional meal.

Turkey is what was eaten in America. It is only very recently it has been commonly eaten here. Traditionally it was chicken, or goose. And yes it did not taste like supermarket chickens do these days.

KakiFruit · 21/12/2015 14:07

Cleaty, you do realise that what's traditional is different in every single house? For example, we have never had bread sauce but for others, it's an integral part of THEIR traditional meal.

I would bet a large amount that you are not cooking every guests' idea of a traditional Christmas dinner, with everything they'd expect. And I maintain that if you need your own arbitrary traditions in a meal, you politely decline an invite rather than trying to change the menu.

GingerIvy · 21/12/2015 14:41

I'm curious when exactly the OP shared her planned "menu" for the dinner with her guests? Or if she's actually said anything other than "Scandi food" which leaves it open to interpretation.

We were brought up to be polite guests, however, I am stunned at the idea that a host or hostess has the idea that the way to make their guests feel comfortable and welcome is to go with the idea of "I'll cook what I like and you can either eat it or don't come" without evening considering the tastes and preferences of the guests.

nooka · 21/12/2015 15:57

We're having Christmas just the four of us this year, and we're planning to eat duck as that's this year's consensus decision. If I had my mum to stay though I'd do turkey as she is a traditionalist (if I spend Christmas with her we'd have the same meals and other activities to the same timetable as she has had for the last 40 odd years).

On Christmas Eve we will go around to our neighbours for a special meal. I expect we will have cabbage rolls and perogies as they have Ukrainian heritage. I will bring mulled wine, English trifle and crackers to share some of our traditions. Other friends and family will bring their Christmas Eve traditional food too. I love pot luck! The tradition of sharing your favourite things is to me one of the best there is. Less stress to the host and a fabulous feat for everyone.

Granted there will likely be no vegetarians there.

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 16:24

"I am stunned at the idea that a host or hostess has the idea that the way to make their guests feel comfortable and welcome is to go with the idea of "I'll cook what I like and you can either eat it or don't come" without evening considering the tastes and preferences of the guests."

Well,I'm am stunned at the idea of imposing on your host to the extent of completely over tiding their tastes and preferences by insisting on taking meat to a meat-free house.

Would you take pork sausages to a barbecue hosted by Muslims because they were your favourite?

GingerIvy · 21/12/2015 17:28

The OP states she has been a vegetarian for 25 years. Presumably, she has expected her mother to accommodate her food choice for 25 years, and yet in this one meal, the OP is not willing to accommodate her mother for one meal.

It doesn't matter what the mother does, she will be in the wrong. If she goes and picks at the food or doesn't like the food, her daughter will be annoyed. If she goes and brings a small extra so she can enjoy the meal as well, her daughter will be annoyed. If she doesn't go at all, her daughter can then make a meal of "my mother can't choke down a few veg just to spend Christmas with me" for the next year.

We don't actually know if the mum is being pushy or not, as we've not heard from her. The OP is certainly going overboard though, what with trying to get her stepdad to have a "firm word" with her. FFS. If she's saying the mum is controlling, I'd say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree here. Hmm

I notice the OP still hasn't said whether she made her menu clear to everyone when she invited them.

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 17:32

"It doesn't matter what the mother does, she will be in the wrong. If she goes and picks at the food or doesn't like the food"

Why would it suddenly become palatable with the addition of a slice of chicken? Or was she intending to bring an entire dinner for herself?

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