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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

807 replies

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 20:41

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

OP posts:
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8
differentnameforthis · 19/12/2015 03:49

I'm intrigued as to how old the op is, and if her mother was expected to cater for her vegetarian needs when she was living at home...

It's called good manners. As is catering for ALL your guests.

So, in summary;
1. It's rude to request to bring food to a host.
2. It's rude to purposely cook something you know your guests won't like Unless you are vegetarian, then it is perfectly acceptable.

Quodlibet · 19/12/2015 04:23

Midnight I suppose the difference lies in whether you think of meat as opt-in or opt-out. Personally I see it as opt-in.

There are billions of people on this planet (most of India's Hindus for example) who don't eat meat. Ecologically, regular meat eating is not sustainable across the human population. It's not a right to eat meat, and there isn't an equivalent moral or ethical barrier to someone who usually eats meat being offered a plate of vegetarian food.

Greydog · 19/12/2015 04:23

I think someone may have already mentioned this, but I'll say it again - if it was MIL, rather than mother would the "just serve the chicken - it's your dear mum" comments have been made? I don't think so

LittleBeautyBelle · 19/12/2015 04:34

Surely she can have one meal at someone's house without her precious chicken?

She must feel it's crazy to not have any meat at a holiday meal and so she's insisting on bringing a meat dish. Hence the chicken. She's bvu. We always have turkey, but if I were coming to someone else's house for dinner and it was a vegetarian menu, I would not dream of bringing a meat dish.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 19/12/2015 05:17

I eat any animal that can't run faster than me.

Well I'd starve if I adopted that mantra. I suspect I'd lose in a race with a cow. Blush

And have you ever tried to catch a chicken? Shock

IT'S HARD.

originalmavis · 19/12/2015 07:41

Why does peoples meat stink?

A few people gave said that. As a veggie who also cooks carcass, I can say that mine doesn't stink - some fish does. Offal definately does long but even DS wouldn't eat liver or kidney (and he is another 'ewwwwww, can't eat cute bunny' meat eater).

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 07:43

greydog-sad but true!

Pidapie · 19/12/2015 08:59

Yanbu, she's being rude! There's nothing else to say about it - she's simply rude :(

fascicle · 19/12/2015 09:32

differentnameforthis
2. It's rude to purposely cook something you know your guests won't like Unless you are vegetarian, then it is perfectly acceptable.

Where has the OP said that her mother/any other guest won't like the food she is proposing to cook?

Busyworkingmum71
Would it be fair to say to a veggie that they should really be able to manage to eat meat for just this one meal?

Bloody hate hate hate double standards.

You can rest easy, because there are no double standards involved. Your hypothetical example is not equivalent. Staggered that some posters can't understand the ethics implications here, and the idea that the OP, who has been a vegetarian for 25 years and presumably has a meat free house, does not want somebody (in this case, her badly behaved mother) to bring meat into her home.

Roussette · 19/12/2015 09:46

Thing is... Christmas means a lot to people, I am already excited about the turkey meal I am serving up and I would be so disappointed to be served stuffed squash instead. If I had a vegetarian joining us, I enjoy cooking for others, and would have great fun in putting together the very best vegetarian dish I could manage to do myself, maybe nut roast with a wild mushroom sauce that would compliment all the roasties and veg and side dishes I was having with my turkey.

I don't have an aversion to nuts or mushrooms (unlike the ridiculously strong aversions to meat on here) and I want to make sure that my veggie guest has a wonderful meal, just like us. Yet, if I go to some of the pp's houses on here there would be an air of "dead bodies, meat STINKS, it's disgusting" etc. I just find that totally rude and unwelcoming. You can't force these opinions on others and it gives vegetarians a bad name.

I want family and friends to come to my house and feel relaxed, replete, welcomed and comfortable. I actually think OP's DM wouldn't feel any of those things and she'd be better off getting together with other family.

ghostspirit · 19/12/2015 09:48

i sort of get the meat free home but dont at the same time. what about when the kids are at school. they will be on the same table as other children eating meat. what if you go out for a meal there will be people eating meat. on transport there might be someone eating meat.

i do think its double standards. i bet if there was not a vegetarian choice in schools/restrants people would not be impressed at all. but yet its ok to make visitors eat a meal they wont enjoy.

people dont stop people being vegi why should vegis stop meat eaters eating meat. its their choice. how would you feel if i come and stuck meat on your plate because im a meat eater and your in my house you will eat what i do.

Ememem84 · 19/12/2015 09:55

I've only read the first page so if I've missed anything I'm sorry.

op your menu sounds delicious. And your mum sounds a bit rude tbh. I'm not a strict veggie but can happily not eat meat for weeks at a time (lazy and impatient so tend not to eat much meat during the week as can't be bothered waiting for it to cook).

I work in the general principle that if someone is kind enough to invite me to dinner and go out of their way to make something lovely. Then you eat it. Unless you have allergies. Even if I wasn't sure I liked something (your starter is beetroot soup? I don't generally like beetroot but would try it) I'd give it a go. Because I'm polite. And who knows, just because I think I hate something one way (beetroot pickled...) there's no reason I won't like it done another way except for goats cheese. In all forms it's gross

MrsKoala · 19/12/2015 10:24

I have never thought about a 'meat free home'. I always have peperamis in my bag and often eat one if i'm peckish. I would never have thought someone may object to these being in the house and me eating them in the hallway/loo/garden if i'm hungry. Is that bad then?

And as for skin , as a pp has said, lovely on meat but all types of wrong on milk. Bleaurch. If we have hot chocolate i have to leave the room while dh picks the skin off and eats it - i have a bit of a hangover and the thought of that is making me gip.

UnGoogleable · 19/12/2015 10:46

I would never have thought someone may object to these being in the house and me eating them in the hallway/loo/garden if i'm hungry. Is that bad then?

Not bad from a meat in a meat free home sort of way, but sneaking off during a dinner to scarf a secret Peperami in the hallway.... definitely rude and weird!

MidniteScribbler · 19/12/2015 10:50

*Midnight I suppose the difference lies in whether you think of meat as opt-in or opt-out. Personally I see it as opt-in.
There are billions of people on this planet (most of India's Hindus for example) who don't eat meat.

And I think of it as just food. There are hundreds of billions of people on this planet that do eat meat. Meat eaters can cope with being presented with a vegetarian meal. Most of them will happily eat the vegetarian meal presented to them and make no comment. But sometimes there is nothing on the menu that appeals to them. The OPs menu sounds hideous to me. She could throw some chicken in the borscht and some beef in her fakeduckfucken and I'd still think it sounds awful, meat or no meat.

Andrewofgg · 19/12/2015 10:53

There are hundreds of billions of people . . . No, I don't think the planet could sustain that many of us even if we all subsisted on plankton!

LaurieMarlow · 19/12/2015 11:07

Of course meat eaters should be able to go meat free now and again. Don't think anyone's saying otherwise. Absolutely no problem going to a veggie house and having a veggie meal in the normal run of things. And in that situation, the OPs menu sounds great.

But, what some posters aren't seeing is the special, symbolic nature of the Christmas meal. It's supposed to be the domestic culinary highlight of the year. For many, meat is integral to that, whether that's because of traditional associations or simply because they find meat delicious and therefore central to the best meal of the year. In that case, the veggie substitute doesn't cut it, so totally understand the OPs mum wanting to bring a chicken.

Oakmaiden · 19/12/2015 11:10

*Ememem84 Sat 19-Dec-15 09:55:04
I've only read the first page so if I've missed anything I'm sorry.

op your menu sounds delicious*

If you have only read the first page you have missed what the menu actually is... I wouldn't describe it in the way the OP originally did, and would be really upset to be expected to eat it and be grateful at a special meal with no options offered other than "eat it or don't bloody turn up" - but then I am not wild about courgette or aubergine. It obviously sounds lovely to the OP, which is fair enough. I do wonder how many of her 10 (?) guests are veggie and know what is on the menu...

fascicle · 19/12/2015 11:20

Not bad from a meat in a meat free home sort of way

UnGoogleable Is your house meat free?

LaurieMarlow
But, what some posters aren't seeing is the special, symbolic nature of the Christmas meal. It's supposed to be the domestic culinary highlight of the year.

I'm not convinced it is symbolic for most people, or even that special from a food point of view (from a getting together with other people point of view, maybe). For many, a traditional Christmas meal is essentially a glorified roast, with extra side dishes/calories. And as is the case with the OP's mum, it's not unusual to have more than one 'Christmas dinner' at Christmas.

MrsKoala · 19/12/2015 11:21

Ungoogle - I didn't say i'd do it during dinner! that would be weird. Grin I just eat it if i'm hungry. However eating at others houses is difficult for me as i choose to eat Paleo. So rather than expect people to cater for my choices i will eat a peperami or something instead. Hasn't really affected me recently, as i only used to go to MILs really (or my parents - where i can comfortably prepare my own food or opt not to eat some things without anyone caring) but sadly she died earlier this year.

Ceic · 19/12/2015 11:35

Been reading the thread with fascination! There was a reverse thread (to this one) last year where the OP was a vegetarian. Year after year, she and her DH had Christmas dinner at her PILs, every year her MIL promised to do a veggie main for her and never did. Most of the vegetable sides were loaded with meat too. There were lots of other issues to do with babies and BFing and being unsupportive. I think the concensus was for her to bring her own food and slip it in as best she could.

Sallystyle · 19/12/2015 11:36

Yes, my replies would be just the same if it was a MIL, a neighbour, a friend of a random off the street.

Ceic · 19/12/2015 11:42

Vegetarian Scandinavian food looks like this:

Vegetarian Healthy-living Food Blog by Swedish/Danish Couple

They have a Holiday Stuffed Pumpkin recipe

Speaking as a veggie, I think the vegducken looks like a fancy side dish rather than a main. I also wonder how well the twine going around the squash would actually work, given how soft squash skin gets when it's roasted.

Speaking of skin, rice pudding is boak. Food should not have the texture of vomit. Ever.

Micah · 19/12/2015 11:46

Sorry haven't rtft- it's long!

Surely its simply "mum, do you want to come for dinner, it's veggie"

Reply being either, yes please, sounds lovely, or no thanks. Not, yes I'll come but I want to eat what everyone else doesn't, for ethical/allergy/whatever reasons.

i have a veggie friend who often eats in veggie restaurants. I happen to be veggie, but if you really can't eat anything other than meat, decline the invite...

LaurieMarlow · 19/12/2015 11:57

Fascicle, I don't think it is symbolic for everyone, but I would suggest for many. Think of how much we tend to spend on it for one thing - and how much effort goes into the prep.

Certainly my family would see it as the best dinner of the year. I imagine many, though certainly not all would agree.

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