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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

807 replies

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 20:41

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

OP posts:
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Andrewofgg · 18/12/2015 19:53

PrivatePike I presume you are right but it makes an interesting picture if she is!

The point is that for many veggie people the mere presence of meat is unpleasant. Now if they go to a restaurant where meat is served or to an omnivore's home they must live with it, but in their own homes? No.

ghostyslovesheep · 18/12/2015 19:55

I feel for you OP because your relationship with your mum sounds hard :(

But I would not like that menu - I wouldn't insist on meat but I would come after dinner and eat my chicken at home

the 'my house my rules' thing wouldn't apply in reverse would it?

My mum was veggie for years - Christmas dinner was always traditional but with nut roast or mushroom Wellington

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 18/12/2015 19:55

Yes, I hadn't thought that one through properly, had I! Grin

My point about religion was meant to be:

  1. Some people (let's call the the As) choose to live a certain way because of their religion or because of an ethical choice. It wouldn't harm them physically to eat a forbidden food but they would be distressed if they ate it by accident. For some As it would be unpleasant and unacceptable for their visitors (the Bs, who haven't made the same choice) to eat forbidden food in the home of the As.
  1. The As can't control what happens outside their own home. It's up to them whether they eat in places where Bs are eating forbidden food. But in their own homes, they decide what goes, just as we all do on all sorts of points, e.g. whether guests should take their shoes off, whether guests should be offered food or drink, whether the TV should be switched off in honour of the guests or left blaring away.
  1. In this thread the As are vegetarians. A lot of people have said that the As should put their own strong beliefs and feelings to one side because the Bs' views trump the As, given that the Bs are in the majority in our society and the As are the Bs' hosts. Others have said that in the As' own home it's their rules that count.

The point I'm making is that if the As were Orthodox Jews or Muslims or Jains, I don't think there would be nearly such a strong feeling that the Bs are entitled to do what they want in the As' home.

Roussette · 18/12/2015 19:57

There's a lot of good things about Scandinavia and I don't think turkducken or whatever it's called is one of them!

However, sitting in a sauna then having an ice cold shower followed by rolling round in the snow whilst being beaten on the bare bottom with a birch twig is Grin

Seriously.... all the veggies I know are far more accommodating than this. They don't talk about dead animals in their home blah blah - it's just rude. Us meat eaters don't make a fuss about veggie dishes.

Andrewofgg · 18/12/2015 19:59

Well SirChenjin a well-mannered guest hears mi casa su casa but does not act on it. And if everyone wants to sit and talk without the TV - or perhaps snooze - I think it's rude to insist that you ahve to watch some damned thing because you forgot to set a recording for it. Yes, MIL, I mean you, even four years after you joined the majority!

BigChocFrenzy · 18/12/2015 20:00

I wouldn't let someone bring sour ram's testicles or monkey brains etc into my kitchen, regardless of whether that was their tradition.
I wouldn't allow any dope or tobacco, even in the garden.
I don't allow certain things or activities that either revolt me, or to which I have strong moral objections.

btw, my Muslim colleague & his wife are celebrating Christmas - for their daughter, who is not yet two, but is getting a pile of presents and a bike Xmas Grin

SirChenjin · 18/12/2015 20:02

A well mannered guest??! My house, my rules?? Listen to yourself Andrew...

It's all about making the guest feel comfortable and accommodating their peferences - my home, your home. Not imposing your choices on them.

originalmavis · 18/12/2015 20:04

I don't know any veggies who faint in the presence of meat.

Honestly the only people I know who are funny about food are fake veggies who interrogate the waiter about the meat content of every dish on the menu then order the salmon, or meaties who 'awwww, how could you?' over veal, rabbit or baby chicken on a menu.

BigChocFrenzy · 18/12/2015 20:04

For someone who is vegetarian on moral or religious grounds, allowing meat into their own homes - and the smell does linger - arouses territorial objections that wouldn't apply when out in the wider world.

fascicle · 18/12/2015 20:12

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

TBH, I'm tired of being screamed at by my mother, she's been unkind to me for a long time

The chicken has done wonders for the mother's PR campaign. Without it, and the OP's vegetarianism, I think many more posters would not be insistent on the OP accommodating her mother and being a 'good host'.

voddiekeepsmesane · 18/12/2015 20:16

As many others have said the COMPROMISE here is to ask her to slice some chicken in a container and serve in the kitchen before serving to the table if she really insists on meat.

Both of you seem to WANT a power struggle and it is really not needed

SilverOldie2 · 18/12/2015 20:17

OMG rice pudding skin is the food of the gods - all nutmeggy and yummy which is more than I can say for the OP's proposed Christmas lunch - I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot bargepole let alone eat it.

The bottom line is the OP has major issues with/really dislikes her mother and she should not have invited her in the first place. If I was her mother I would decline her invitation.

Timri · 18/12/2015 20:17

I don't think anyone's views should trump anyone else's though. I don't think A's views are more important than B's views, or vice verse.
Had OPs mum said, well either you cook me meat or I'm not coming it would be a different story. But she's saying she'll bring her own, which to me is a compromise.

And it's an excellent point that 'my house my rules' wouldn't be accepted the other way around.

Timri · 18/12/2015 20:18

she should not have invited her in the first place
This ^ sums it perfectly for me.

SirChenjin · 18/12/2015 20:20

I would say exactly the same thing - give her a bit of chicken and let her get on with it.

I'd actually have far more of an issue having someone in my house who screamed at me and was horrible to me - sticking a bit of chicken on a plate would be the least of my concerns.

Greydog · 18/12/2015 20:21

funny that the blog of the day is about mothers. searchingforstevensons.com/2015/12/16/wire-mother/

not all mothers are worth the trouble people go to

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2015 20:22

So, in summary;

  1. It's rude to request to bring food to a host.
  2. It's rude to purposely cook something you know your guests won't like.
FaFoutis · 18/12/2015 20:27

"I don't know any veggies who faint in the presence of meat."

I'm vegetarian. You would never know how disgusting I find it that people eat meat because I would never say so. To me it is a dead body (well, it is a dead body) not 'just a bit of chicken'. I could not eat with people who were eating meat. I wouldn't hate them for it or say a word about it. I'd just have the (vegetarian) wine and say I wasn't hungry.

I wouldn't wash up meat plates either. I would put them in the bin, while wearing gloves.

expatinscotland · 18/12/2015 20:30

ALL Christmas is, is a fucking roast. Why do you need to compromise because 'it's Christmas' and 'it's your mother'. She's fucking rude! I wouldn't dream of doing this to my daughter in her home.

If I don't like the menu of what is being served in someone's home I decline the invitation.

fascicle · 18/12/2015 20:31

SirChenjin
It's all about making the guest feel comfortable and accommodating their peferences - my home, your home. Not imposing your choices on them.

So you have no house rules that you would impose on your guests? Can they drink, smoke, fornicate, party as they please in your house?

voddiekeepsmesane · 18/12/2015 20:31

And if you know that someone won't abide by you menu don't invite them

LieInsAreExtinct · 18/12/2015 20:33

God what year are we in? I can't believe people are saying they can't imagine Christmas dinner without meat... Poor imaginations! Of course you would not bring meat products to a vegetarian household, unless invited to do so. Christmas, mother, HM the Queen, I don't care!

voddiekeepsmesane · 18/12/2015 20:34

I suppose it all comes down to whether you ARE willing to compromise or whether you feel " your house, your rules"

Either you compromise or you tell her no meat and deal with the consequences no brainer really

Roussette · 18/12/2015 20:35

My God Fafoutis putting plates in the bin because meat has been on them is ridiculous. Dishwashers (or boiling hot water and fairy) would remove any traces ... why just why?

You talk as if us meat eaters are cannibals. Please don't say "we may as well be"

voddiekeepsmesane · 18/12/2015 20:38

I agree Roussette but was sooo afraid to say that Fafoutis was being a bit OTT and getting damned for it I waited till another said ( coward me ...na )

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