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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

807 replies

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 20:41

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

OP posts:
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gotthemoononastick · 18/12/2015 11:24

Never thought I could type this...What the f... is a vegenducken? A pretend duck? Why??

Your house your rules OP,Are the other 10 people vegetarians? If not the poor little chicken is not going to go far.

Just tell your Mum about the vegenducken,he he, and she might be totally enchanted by the thought and bring a plate of vegenpiggies in lentil blankets.

Nydj · 18/12/2015 11:25

budgiegirl. Vegetarianism is also a religious requirement for many religions.

Timri · 18/12/2015 11:26

But people do not need to be religious (as people keep insisting on going down that route)

motherinferior · 18/12/2015 11:28

Vegetarianism is an ethical choice. Like religion.

Would you take meat to a Brahmin or Jain household?

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2015 11:30

"It's not the same at all, vegetarianism is a preference, not a religion."

It's exactly the same.

Jw35 · 18/12/2015 11:31

If I had a vegetarian coming for dinner I would provide alternatives to meat. So I think yabu and as host could allow her to bring meat if that's what she wants. It doesn't have to be on the table but it's what she wants to eat.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/12/2015 11:34

Most people's diets aren't traditionally based on meat. It is only a relatively recent development that so many people can afford to eat such a meat heavy diet.

People are omnivores, which means that we eat a wide variety of food. It is good to have a balanced diet overall, but not necessary to have all food groups in every meal.

Some of the comments on this thread just demonstrate how spolit and greedy a lot of people have become about meat. People have become accustomed to eating a lot of meat and for it to be relatively cheap, to the detriment of animal welfare, the environment and farming incomes.

I am not vegetarian by the way but eat a wide variety of food and eat many vegetarian meals, as well as those that contain meat.

motherinferior · 18/12/2015 11:35

And what about the slaughtered poodle? If that was what she wanted to eat?

It's really not difficult. Vegetarians find the practice of eating animals repellent. Therefore as a guest, you respect that and do not take dead animal along to their table.

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2015 11:36

"It's really not difficult. Vegetarians find the practice of eating animals repellent. Therefore as a guest, you respect that and do not take dead animal along to their table."

This. No more discussion needs to be had, really.

WitchWay · 18/12/2015 11:36

She is being rude & precious.

I like a PP up thread first assumed you meant she was bringing live chicken (a pet, perhaps) that would enjoy pecking at the nutty & seedy leftovers Grin

Love veggie food though am a confirmed meat eater - that stuffed squash looks excellent.

Never have turkey though - proper half-cooked bloody beef here Grin

BathtimeFunkster · 18/12/2015 11:36

If you're a Brahmin, then so is your mother, so it's not likely she'd be bringing the offensive food.

You might also consider her to be part of your "household".

I wouldn't bring meat to a vegetarian's house. I think that's rude.

Nor would I refuse to allow a guest to bring food to a meal I was hosting, because I think it would be ungracious to refuse such a request.

Is it more wrong to bring a chicken to vegetarian Christmas or to uninvite your own mother from Christmas dinner for wanting to bring her own food?

I think it's worse to be an arse about your Mum bringing a chicken.

GingerIvy · 18/12/2015 11:38

Personally, I think the OP is being utterly pretentious with her "Scandinavian meal that is not actually Scandinavian" and her "vegducken that is not actually duck" meal. She's trying to hard to impress (and impose her morals/choices on everyone else attending) and is annoyed that her mother is not gushing over her meal. I couldn't eat that meal either - it looks completely unappetising, and I love veggie meals generally.

We were raised to understand that as a host (or hostess) of a meal, you take the preferences or likes and dislikes of your guests into consideration. This is something you are obviously not willing to do. That puts you squarely in the category of "poor host." Your mother wants to bring cooked chicken so that she can eat something at the meal. She probably ate the meal last year out of politeness and doesn't want to be mean by telling you.

So OP, you've been a vegetarian for 25 years, and for 25 years you've expected others to cater for your personal food choices (and yes, it is a choice, unless it is a medical necessity which you've not mentioned). Now your mother has requested that you make an effort to be agreeable and cater to her food choice (and she's not expecting you to cook it or serve it or eat it) and you're stamping your foot like a petulant child and demanding she either eat what you serve or stay home.

How old are you? Surely if you're been a vegetarian for 25 years then you're at least maybe 35? Because you're acting about 5. Hmm

budgiegirl · 18/12/2015 11:39

budgiegirl. Vegetarianism is also a religious requirement for many religions.

If the OP is veggie on religious grounds, then fair enough - but it seems unlikely as we're talking about Christmas dinner. But if she's veggie through personal choice, then she's being unreasonable.

MrNoseybonk · 18/12/2015 11:40

Because thinking "eat our superior food or fuck off and buy the nasty shite I disapprove of on the way home" is a horrible attitude to take to people you care about.

I didn't think that though. I was responding to another poster who said she stopped at McDonalds on the way home from a vegetarian BBQ. I said if our guests wanted to do that then that's up to them. We provided very good food for them which just didn't include meat. We chose what we thought people would like, avoided spicy food which we thought elderly relatives wouldn't like.
It's not a horrible attitude at all. But if after all we've done and the money we've spent they want to go buy fast food on the way home then they can.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 18/12/2015 11:41

What an extraordinary thread. Did everybody else miss the bit where the OP said her mum is cooking a full traditional Christmas dinner this weekend for other family members, so she is not going to go without her turkey?

I love a traditional Christmas dinner but if I accepted an invitation to somebody else's house, knowing that I'd be getting something very different, it would never occur to me to take my own food along on my own initiative. Dreadfully rude.

It would of course be quite different if I offered to bring something and that was accepted, or if we agreed at the outset that it would be bring and share. Even then, I'd expect to discuss with my host what was needed/acceptable.

If you feel you absolutely have to have meat, don't accept an invitation to a vegetarian household where the hosts don't want meat in the house for ethical reasons. It's really that simple.

momb · 18/12/2015 11:42

I think that catering for 10 people should involve more than one choice for main course: the chances of all ten guests enjoying the same thing are slim.
Your issues with your DM's behaviour over the last year aside and concentrating on Christmas day: unless you and all your other guests are militant vegans then her offering to bring an alternate main course is not in and of itself offensive and may help you out.
You don't have to cook or carve it. Perhaps she is the only one who'll want any and can put some on her plate in the kitchen.

As someone else said: although she is being rude, there is a chance that she's trying not to be rude about your food and is using this as a way to help rather than just criticise.

WorraLiberty · 18/12/2015 11:45

BH, I'm tired of being screamed at by my mother, she's been unkind to me for a long time and I'm putting my foot down over this meal.

Imo that ^^ is what this thread is all about.

It's not about meat at all.

Christmas dinner is a special dinner, and one that most people want to really enjoy. The OP obviously feels the same way, because she's going to a lot of effort to make it special for her and the other veggies.

If having a couple of slices of meat on her plate made it special for her Mum, I reckon the OP would be kind enough to allow it.

But only if her Mum was kinder to her.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 18/12/2015 11:46

Interesting that people keep banging on about vegetarianism being a choice. Eating meat is a choice too, actually. Nobody needs to eat it to survive. We all make different choices about what we eat, based on what we like, what we're used to, what we can afford and what we feel comfortable with ethically.

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2015 11:51

"the OP is veggie on religious grounds, then fair enough - but it seems unlikely as we're talking about Christmas dinner. But if she's veggie through personal choice, then she's being unreasonable"

Since when has vegetarianism not been a personal choice?

momb · 18/12/2015 11:56

I've just clicked your link for the stuffed squash recipe. If I'd accepted an invitation for Christmas and found out before the big day what the main course was I would offer to bring an alternative to help out....not necessarily meat but not stuffed squash as I really wouldn't enjoy it. If you insisted on saying no I would attend, smile and be outwardly gracious but would eat before arriving and actually barely pick at the dinner. Is there a chance she didn't particularly enjoy last year's veggie feast and is trying to help without causing offence (easier to focus on the veggie/non-veggie aspect than the fact she didn't enjoy your cooking perhaps?).

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 18/12/2015 12:01

All these people saying the OP should cook a chicken for her mind, maybe she doesn't km now how to? I wouldnt have a clue how to cook meat, and neither would many other veggies...

caitlinohara · 18/12/2015 12:08

How very odd. YANBU. We are not vegetarian but if you invited me to yours for dinner I wouldn't feel the need to bring meat. It seems very passive aggressive, or actually, just aggressive.

Marynary · 18/12/2015 12:08

Sorry Mary Didn't wish to cause offence but I was reading a thread on here yesterday about ageism. We seem to be assuming that the DM is a prim lady in her 70s. She could easily be under 50.

I doubt the mother is under 50 as OP has been a vegetarian for 25 years. Assuming she wasn't vegetarian as a child (considering her mothers attitude to vegetarian food I think that is unlikely) OP is probably in her 40s at least.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 18/12/2015 12:11

As for all the people saying they wouldn't like the OP's choice of main course - well. My MIL was a very poor cook. When we stayed there I was often sadly disappointed in what was on offer and how poorly it had been prepared. I would never in a million years have said so or ostentatiously arrived with my own food so that I could have had something more to my taste.

It's one meal. OK, it's a special day. But isn't the specialness a lot to do with being with loved ones, not just what you have to eat and drink?

derxa · 18/12/2015 12:11

You're right Worra If the OP had talked more about the problem with her mother then we could have helped. Sad

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