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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wants to bring a chicken to my vegetarian Christmas dinner

807 replies

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2015 20:41

That's kind of it in a nutshell. We've invited 10 people over for Christmas dinner including my mother. We're veggies and I've put together a lovely Scandi veggie menu. She's told me she's bringing a chicken and I've said please don't. Firstly because we're veggie and I don't really want a dead bird on the table and secondly I can't see why she can't last a few hours without meat.

My relationship with her is very strained this year, she's been pretty horrible to me and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

AIBU to tell her not to bring meat or stay at home? She could always come over after lunch if she's going to insist.

OP posts:
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Stimpack · 18/12/2015 08:46

If I go round to my vegetarian friends house for dinner, I bring my own as I'm not a vegetarian and some of the stuff they eat doesn't appeal to me, they honestly don't mind. I don't get why the mum has to suck it up.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 18/12/2015 08:49

Yanbu. She is.

MsButteryMash · 18/12/2015 08:53

I'm with you OP! I'm not a veggie but if I was going for veggie Christmas dinner I wouldn't take meat! I'd expect a veggie feast and if I didn't like it I'd still be polite. Some vegetarians can handle meat being around or cooking meat, some can't and I wouldn't presume it would be OK. I'd also certainly not do it if I was asked not to!

She sounds horrible. You have a right to have a veggie-only meal in your own home, she has the right not to attend if she's not up for it. I'd be telling her that.

I mean we eat veggie food a few times a week anyway - baked potatoes, cheese on toast, pasta and tomato sauce. Of course you can manage a day without meat.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/12/2015 08:53

no

then surely that's something that can be decided in a more amicable way?

suggest there's a second or third option. maybe offer to bring something or loom through a cook book to see what she likes the sound of.

or "m&s are doing a delicious looking X I can bring that along fir us to try as I'm. not keen on. beetroot..."

turning up with neat to a vege persons house is rude if it's going to upset them. when I was vege I was ok.cooking meat for others. however not all are.

a compromise would be to make or bring an vegetarian alternative or to just speak up and explain and come up with an idea together

derxa · 18/12/2015 08:55

Could it be that the OP is a very poor cook? If I was the mother (and god knows I'm old enough) I would come and eat your non Scandinavian meal even if it choked me just to be with the family.
As previous posters have said. Life is too short. There is no welcome at your house for your mother. Try and reframe your mindset OP.

PS I've just looked at the BBC website for vege Christmas ideas. All so much nicer than a vegducken which has huge potential to go wrong.

And btw chickens are not vegetarians, they're omnivores.

MsButteryMash · 18/12/2015 08:58

Meat-eaters catering for veggies it totally different from veggies catering for meat-eaters. Some vegetarians find meat upsetting and don't want it around. It's fair enough for them to put up with that at someone else's house or in a restaurant, but they should be allowed to put on a veggie meal in their own home without having to cook meat or have meat involved.

I also think there is more to this because this mum sounds like a cow. It's probably just as much about wanting to trample on OP's boundaries and be aggressive, as about having to have chicken.

Marynary · 18/12/2015 09:00

Your menu sounds lovely and I'm sure that most younger non -vegetarians would love it. I think that many older people really wouldn't like that kind of food though and it must be really depressing to not enjoy lunch on Christmas day. My siblings are all vegetarian and if my parents go to their house for Christmas they have the option of bringing their own turkey if they want to. I doubt that they would put a "dead bird on the table" but putting some meat on their plate doesn't seem too much of an imposition.

ChinaSorrows · 18/12/2015 09:01

Good god the number of people defending their right to eat meat in a non meat household is insane.
"I take meat to my veggie friends/family house"
Really?
You can't go without meat for one day?! WTF?!!

My childhood was spent enjoying Christmas at my aunt's. She's veggi.
Veggi Christmas.
My parents, brother and I were most definitely not.

We would NEVER consider taking meat into her home, her oven, her home.

OMG. Over Christmas I like a bacon sandwich for breakfast.

Half of my husband's family is Jewish. I wouldn't take bacon to their homes when we stay overnight "because it's Christmas" (yes, they are English Jews who celebrate Hanukkah and then the "English tradition of Christmas") but you just wouldn't do it. Would you?

"My house my rules"
Respect other people's homes the way you would expect them to respect yours.
"Shoes off"
You'd take your shoes off in someone else's house at request, even if you didn't take yours off at home so why is meat a different issue?

And if you can't cope with not eating meat for a day or a meal then don't visit someone's home who you know doesn't eat meat for a meal. End.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 18/12/2015 09:04

If it was just a matter of bringing a few slices of chicken on a plate, then that's one thing.

But I get the feeling it would be a whole raw chicken carried in triumphantly, and then 'Where's the oven space for my CHICKEN?' 'Ooh, I just need to pop the stuffing into go with MY CHICKEN''Move over, I need to make my CHHICKEN gravy now', and finally, 'Ta-da! Here's the proper Xmas dinner CHICKEN! Tuck in everyone!"

Maybe I'm just projecting Grin

SoupDragon · 18/12/2015 09:07

I think that many older people really wouldn't like that kind of food though

Don't be ridiculous. Age is irrelevant.

Whathaveilost · 18/12/2015 09:08

If there wasn't such a backstory I would say it's a mountain out of a mole hill and I speak as veggie.

I can't be assed with power struggles like this especially on Christmas Day. Like someone said tell her to put chicken slices in a Tupperware container and she can add it to her plate. Job done, no issues and every one is eating the food they want and OP hasn't had to prepare if.

Keep life simple, there is enough shit without making your own drama as it is.

Timri · 18/12/2015 09:11

You said your Mum came last year and didn't have a problem.
Sounds to me she just didn't like it
She is not 'just turning up and plopping a turkey on the table' or any of the other ways that PP have tried to phrase it to make it sound worse than it is. She's asking
This is a deeper issue with your Mum, it's not even about the food.
It so you will not bow down to her, which I do understand, but maybe you should just not invite her next year.
I think as a good guest you should want to make sure people enjoy their food, rather than being grateful that you've cooked for them.
As I said, sounds like she didn't enjoy your vegetarian meal last year

derxa · 18/12/2015 09:12

Your menu sounds lovely and I'm sure that most younger non -vegetarians would love it. I think that many older people really wouldn't like that kind of food though

Are you sure? I am 'older' as you state so pointedly and have very adventurous tastes. To me the menu sounds absolutely bowfing.

Timri · 18/12/2015 09:12

Christmas is for family to enjoy spending time together, not for petty power struggles

Morecheesegrommet · 18/12/2015 09:15

If you are invited to somebody's house for a meal - you accept and then go and eat what is served. Simples.
You don't criticise the host's choice of food. You don't suggest alternatives or turn up with extras. You go, eat what is given to you and say 'thank you'.
If you don't want to eat the type of food the host serves, you politely decline the invitation - you don't renegotiate the menu.
This is not a difficult concept; it's basic manners. Confused

MaxPepsi · 18/12/2015 09:15

Are all your guests veggie?

I eat meat. I would be leaving your house hungry.

I would struggle to eat the borscht and I probably wouldn't touch the main course. Can't stand butternut squash and don't like roasted veg.

I understand there is more to it with your mum, but maybe she doesn't like your food and thought bringing a chicken would help out?

vixsatis · 18/12/2015 09:16

It's rude of her to ask (although less so within family than otherwise, I think); but it would be gracious of you just to say "yes, of course"

WhyDoesGastonBark · 18/12/2015 09:18

I'm kind of with your mum I am afraid. It is her Christmas Day dinner too, why can't she put a few slices on her plate in the kitchen?

budgiegirl · 18/12/2015 09:19

Yes, your mum is being a bit rude. But it's Christmas, its your mum. Just let her bring a bit of chicken, it's not the end of the world. (I would object if she brought a whole uncooked chicken though and expected it to be cooked in your oven)

BipBippadotta · 18/12/2015 09:25

Huh, chickens are omnivores? Well I've learned something today.

OP presumably had to eat her parents' idea of Christmas dinner the whole time she was growing up. Now she's an adult, and is hosting Christmas. I don't see why her mum should get to dictate the festive menu in perpetuity.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/12/2015 09:28

Perhaps if mum doesn't like the sound of the main course she could offer to bring a different non-meat item?

Dumbledoresgirl · 18/12/2015 09:29

I think on the whole, I agree with those saying you should let your mother bring some chicken. I am catering for my parents and brother this year. The like Christmas pudding. I hate it. Last year, when we had no guests, I naturally didn't bother making Christmas pudding. But this year, as my parents and brother are my guests, I will be serving Christmas pudding, for them at least.

I understand your feelings about meat. But you have to understand that you are the hostess and a good hostess ensures all her guests are catered for.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/12/2015 09:29

I think that's right about chickens btw, I heard tell they like the occasional tasty worm if they can scratch one up.

LaurieMarlow · 18/12/2015 09:30

It's not just one meal though is it, it's a highly celebratory, highly symbolic meal with traditions that go back generations. Meat is central to my idea of Christmas dinner - sorry.

My heart would sink at the prospect of your dinner. I despise borscht and while the squash dish sounds nice as a new thing to try out, it's not what I want to eat at Christmas. Also, don't see what makes it Scandinavian. Pud sounds good though.

So I think you should cut her some slack and let her bring the chicken. But then I probably wouldn't accept an invite to a veggie Christmas dinner, so maybe I'm the wrong person to ask.

Foslady · 18/12/2015 09:31

Dear mum, we're going to celebrate Chrustmas in out way, not have a funeral/cremation for a dead bird - if she doesn't like your Christmas, then she should go elsewhere, this smacks of 'I know best' - no, you're used to different. If she really needs to feel as if she has chicken on her plate why not bring quorum fake chicken?