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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mothers should be honest about birth?

279 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 14:28

To other women who've not gone through it yet? There's so much

"Oh it's different for everyone"

And shilly shallying about around the subject.

I guess a tiny minority DO have "easy" or even pleasant experiences of birth but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

This was inspired by another thread. Sorry if I'm offending anyone as I know it's an emotive subject.

But my own experience was that dreadful I don't think I COULD lie if another woman asked me directly. Yet some people seem to be all coy about this fact.

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/12/2015 19:29

notsaying

Just say - do you want the truth or the glossy version.

Its like going into battle isnt it.

I thikn forwarned is forarmed.

Sleepingbunnies · 17/12/2015 19:30

Why would I want to scare a first time mum by telling her after the birth of my first I had to have a catheter fitted for 10 weeks because I had no sensation in my bladder and that my forceps delivery was the most traumatic thing Iv ever done??! I wouldn't want to hear that as a first timer!

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/12/2015 19:32

Most of the birth stories I hear women volunteering are the horror stories.

Eh? Xmas Confused

If thats peoples experience, thats their experience.

Birth is a horror story for so many women and they are not supposed to share or talk about it?

ayria · 17/12/2015 19:32

"How can a woman approaching birth in a positive way be a bad thing?

How is a stranger saying 'ha ha ha, just you wait! All that will go out the window...' to her going to help?

All the time you see on MN 'oh don't you worry about your dignity. You won't care about that once you are in labour' as if a woman wanting to be treated well is being precious."

I agree, DeVere. My sister always told me things like 'You don't know what you're in for!' I said to her I would rather know tbh. But the only problem she had was the pain. She never had any complications with any of her births so she didn't have anything to question or focus on. For me, the pain was the least of my worries. I had the most challenging birth between me and both my sisters, but they still say it hurt a lot because that's their experience. My hurt was worse psychologically than physically.

A positive birth experience is always a possibility, there are a lot of different aspects that can go a different way and still be a positive experience for someone. Or things may not go differently at all. There are always going to be people that will say 'That's not going to happen! You'll be begging for...etc.' How do they know that?

It took me a good while after my sons birth, years, to even acknowledge the fact that I actually did enjoy some parts of it despite what happened, the bits I enjoyed were those where they had no involvement.

I don't think hospital time scales and poor management of labouring women (position, encouraging her wishes etc.) help at all. I know not all midwives are the same and some actually help blahblahblah

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/12/2015 19:33

why would you want to hide it, and let her feel she had failed if she had a bad experience? that word we hear over and over again.

I have failed.

Notimefortossers · 17/12/2015 19:37

Totally agree with Cranberry! I'm not sure what the alternative is, but putting a woman who is exhausted from labour on a ward with 6 newborn babies is torture!

With my third he slept through his first night, it was the other babies that screamed their heads off . . . if I'd have gone home with him I'd have had the rest I needed! But as he was born at 11.35pm they wouldn't let me :(

TaliZorah · 17/12/2015 19:39

I had my own room with ensuite post birth, my birth partner was allowed to stay the whole week and the nurses kept making me drinks. Can't fault it.

Enkopkaffetak · 17/12/2015 19:41

I have given birth 4 times not one of them was similar to the others. So it's not a dilly dally expression to say it's different. Dd2s birth i would do over in a heart beat. Her birth was the best experience of my life. Ds birth i wouldn't wish on anyone.

2 I had pain killers in 2 I gave birth at home. All different all life changing experience I wouldn't miss something ny of my 4 for the world. However their births was not all wonderful experiences.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 17/12/2015 19:52

Well I don't know one person in real life who was traumatised or horrified so what do you want me to say? Confused

Yes it fucking hurt, no I didn't find it wonderful.

Surely the reality is there is nothing you can do to prevent a traumatic birth, so why make other women worry about it?

kickassangel · 17/12/2015 19:55

Because part of the trauma is caused by women being unprepared. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

TheSconeOfStone · 17/12/2015 19:56

I've heard some dreadful birth stories and some really easy did it at home with no pain relief stories. Most of us fall somewhere inbetween.

I was terrified of giving birth due to my mum's awful experiences (she's very stoical, if bad for her must have been appalling). Was very painful indeed but I don't have bad memories of my two induced births and I'm not traumatised. Wouldn't put me off a third (but the sleep deprivation would, no one prepared me for how awful that would be).

Varya · 17/12/2015 19:58

I had twins, one breach and one delivered with forceps. Episiotomy being stitched, without local aneasthetic. Shucking painful!

StellaAlpina · 17/12/2015 20:01

But it is different for every woman, your friends (unless they are gps etc are unlikely to have any idea how your birth is likely to go)

No one I know has told me they've been traumatised by their births, the pain has been described as 'manageable' etc. Few have had complications (FWIW my friends/cousins are generally otherwise completely healthy women in their mid 20s...on a balance of probability you'd expect them to have 'good' births)...I'm coming up for 6 months pregnant and assuming my placenta moves out of the way and I don't have to have an ELCS I'm not massively scared of giving birth.

My mum describes childbirth (for her) as 'just like bad period pains' and I don't think she's sugercoating her experience as she freely admits that when her milk came in it hurt so much she (a completly softy who feels bad if she accidently smushes an insect) wanted to punch the nurse who tried to massage her boobs.

MrsDeVere · 17/12/2015 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 17/12/2015 20:03

You can't prepare every woman for every single scenario that can happen during birth.

Even if something really traumatic happens how will that make you 'forearmed'? It will still be terrifying, painful, you will still be out of control and unsure because you have never been in that situation, your treatment could be different from the 'well meaning' person who warned you and because it's different you could panic more. As with all medical situations it needs to be taken on a case by case basis.

It is beyond cruel to offer horror stories to a pregnant woman. There are plenty out there to find should a woman choose to find them to prepare herself for the possibility.

AngelOnTop · 17/12/2015 20:04

I never tell any first time expectant mother about my birth experiences unless she specifically asks, and even then I am vague unless she really probes.

Unless you had a natural, whale music and mood lighting sneeze birth...why would any pregnant woman want to know the gory details of another person's birth experience? I certainly didn't want to hear when I was first pregnant.

I'd feel terrible saying 'my first labour was a 4 day nightmare of pain and horror ending in emergency section' to someone who was at the 'NCT, yoga classes, this is going to be such a wonderful initiation into womanhood' stage of proceedings Grin.

Even more taboo is my second birth - elective section. Beautiful. Serene. Pain-free. Quick recovery. I'd do it again in a flash. But you're not supposed to say that, are you? Wink

MrsBojingles · 17/12/2015 20:05

Surely frightening someone is going to make them more tense and terrified whilst they give birth, and thus make it harder?

My mum told me its like pooing a watermelon. I agree. Normal, easy birth, still rather painful!

FreeSpirit89 · 17/12/2015 20:06

I think the birth is different for everyone, my mum if she had had me 60 years earlier we'd both have died in childbirth. I had a short cord and I wasn't coming on my own.

However my birth was fairly straightforward, low pain relief, and pretty easy by comparison. I actually remember thinking that wasn't so bad.

What angers me, is we as new mothers are fed a load of crap about how wonderful being a new mum is and that's more damaging to the mental health or new mums who don't feel an instant bond with baby.

Shirkingfromhome · 17/12/2015 20:08

There's no real reason to go into labour not knowing what to expect at all There's so much literature and stuff on TV nowadays.

I had a great labour despite being induced but then the majority of people I know had labours which were ok. There's a couple of horror stories too because that's life.

I don't think it's a disservice for women to say that every labour is different. I do think it's a disservice when people get so focused on the type of labour they want that they completely freak out when it changes.

ThoughtfulPenny · 17/12/2015 20:09

When I was pregnant, most mothers told me that the pain was horrific and unbearable but as soon as you see your baby it starts to fade away. In my experience they were right.

My labours were relatively straightforward although my second was back to back and I was on continuous monitoring which made it work but I always knew that the pain was going to be awful. There's nothing like it so it was unexpected that I'd never experienced it before but I honestly don't know anyone who said it was easy.

ayria · 17/12/2015 20:11

Because part of the trauma is caused by women being unprepared.

Not always, sometimes never. There are a lot of things that can contribute to trauma. You can't prepare someone for what their birth is going to be like.

0christmastree5 · 17/12/2015 20:21

Ime a lot of things during pregnancy and birth are beyond control, and down to luck. I was lucky 5 times but never lie, they were all was the most painful, undignified events to ever.

Rinceoir · 17/12/2015 20:23

If people ask I tell them the truth- that I found labour quite easy, got to 10cm without pain relief, remained mobile etc. I unfortunately developed a severe infection, baby became distressed and required an emcs and had complications requiring a longer than usual postnatal stay. But that baby and I were both fine after a few days, we found breastfeeding easy despite a difficult birth and that if it hadn't been for my infection things would have probably progressed normally.

RaspberryOverloadingOnTurkey · 17/12/2015 20:23

I had two very easy pregnancies, despite statistically being more likely to have problems.

!st born by ELCS due to pre-eclapmsia, hardly any symptoms beforehand, easy recovery.

2nd born by VBAC, an easy, and fast, birth (seems to run in my family), and not too much pain (I have a high pain threshold), and again a good recovery.

So no horror stories, but I generally don't share as I don't want to be accused of being smug, when all I'm being is factual about my own experiences.

DuchessOfWeaseltown · 17/12/2015 20:28

Sorry OP I haven't had time to rtft but my twopence worth is this: I think there's a pretty big difference between honesty - "Yes, it did hurt" - and telling anyone who'll listen, especially a soon-to-be-first-time-mother, endless gory details involving blood, poo, loss of dignity, pain so horrific you wanted to die, panic, vomit etc etc.

My mum told me, pretty much every birthday I can ever remember, the near-death experience she had when I was born, involving blood and her almost bleeding to death (her words). I have NO IDEA why she felt this sort of detail was appropriate to share with a small child but it had such an impact on me that I was quite seriously phobic about birth. I put off having a child of my own for as long as possible because I was terrified of what it involved. In the end, when my age meant I couldn't really wait any longer, we opted to practically bankrupt ourselves having a private obstetrician-led birth because I was so desperate for a planned C-section and had convinced myself nobody would listen to me if I told an NHS midwife how scared I was.

So, as I'm sure others have said, I think the kindest, most practical, helpful thing would be for women to be honest to an extent but not to furnish their account with all kinds of detail that they might not realise is terrifying to some people. Or, perhaps, save those sorts of details-spilling sessions for when they're talking to women who have had their babies and won't be doing it again!! Nothing wrong with bonding over that sort of thing I guess IF you're talking to someone who's never going to be doing it again...

To give gory details to a woman who's shortly to do it, or who might want to do it one day in the future is just pointless and frankly inhumane.