AIBU to think Mothers should be honest about birth?

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

To other women who've not gone through it yet? There's so much

"Oh it's different for everyone"

And shilly shallying about around the subject.

I guess a tiny minority DO have "easy" or even pleasant experiences of birth but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

This was inspired by another thread. Sorry if I'm offending anyone as I know it's an emotive subject.

But my own experience was that dreadful I don't think I COULD lie if another woman asked me directly. Yet some people seem to be all coy about this fact.

I'm pregnant - due in a few weeks, in fact - and I don't mind hearing the difficult birth stories. I like hearing the great birth stories too. Everyone has a different experience, and, for me going into it for the first time, I appreciate hearing about all the things that could potentially happen, good and bad.

What I would rather not hear are all the stories about a mother's cousin's friend's stillbirth, in graphic detail. Have had a few of these and wondered what the motive is in telling third-hand stillbirth stories to a woman about to give birth. Thoughtless or malicious?

3.8% have a third or fourth degree tear on first birth.

Now maybe I wasn't paying attention but I went to two separate ante natal courses and neither of them told me that tears come in degrees or that they go up to four.

No medical person told me that - I heard it during first pg from woman hour. Research was around that said episiotomy was better to avoid those but not as good for small tears.

Then after birth met a mother who had been torn internally then sewn wrongly - she was matter of fact but it sounded horrific. Met a few others who've had problems with c-section scars - such as adhering to bladders.

Nasty things can and do happen - just not to everyone.

But it is different for everyone.

One of my friends had their first baby 3 weeks before I had mine. I remember her telling me (after she'd had her's and before I'd had mine) that she'd felt like she was going to die. It really freaked me out. I've had two babies since then and not once did I feel like I was going to die.

With her first baby she'd gone two weeks overdue and ended up having an episiotomy and ventouse delivery My first baby was 4 weeks early, no pain relief and I didn't know I was in labour until 10 minutes before he was born.

She had a similar experience with her 2nd baby but said she'd mentally coped better that time as she didn't feel so panicked. My 2nd baby was another speedy delivery (45 mins from 1st contraction to birth) again with no pain relief. I've been so lucky.

I was told it would suck, but the baby would be worth it. They were right.

My birth went pretty easy though with only a few perineum stitches to show for it.

But it is all different. First i had a crap mw and little support so wasn't great. My second I had great mw leading up to delivery who spent time with me talking about breathing and how to try and stay mentally in control - utterly fab birth.

Women need more prep on giving birth. Positive things you can do. My mw was very honest about the pain but she showed me patterns and how long each pain lasts ect which really helped during birth.

I dunno, if I knew what was coming I would have had a panic attack. Plus I think it's a very difficult pain to explain but I am honest when people ask I just tell them it hurt like fuck and if you don't like pain ask for drugs before its too late.

For me it wasn't the physical act of given birth, that was the easy part, the pushing I actually enjoyed. I'd mention that bit if anyone ever asked, but not what ended up happening at the end.

In my experience, no one ever spoke about how detrimental it can be if you're not treated right.

I gave two shits about the contractions, the pain, the pushing. I went in with an open mind, knowing it was going to hurt and put my all into it, handled it really well on gas and air that was rubbish, but then at the end of the day it was how I was made to feel that left me feeling crap, for lack of a better word, because of their actions.

I'd do it all over again but without them in the room. Then I would have seen it as an easy experience overall. That is the very reason why I plan on a home birth for my second that has taken me a good while to get my head around contemplating to go ahead with it.

Both my labours were short with easy births. For my first I wasn't even sure if it was time to go to the hospital because although the contractions were getting closer together, they were nothing to write home about...got to the hospital about 2:30 had my son at 6:41.

Second child, got to the hospital around 7:20 had him at 9:40.

No time for drugs/painkillers either time.

People tend not to want to hear about quick, easy births.

On paper my birth sounds horrific - induced, really bad reaction to the pessary (went straight to 7 contractions in 10 minutes), 48 hour labour with 24 of those hooked up to a monitor and a drip, ending in a emcs as ds was back to back and firmly wedged in, and ds weighed in at 11lb 1oz which hadn't been picked up at all prior. It's the sort of story that would terrify most people and was very far from the birth centre water birth I wanted.

But actually it was completely fine and non-traumatising. There were a few points where the pain was horrific, but it was still completely manageable. In fact I remember clearly thinking straight after 'that wasn't so bad, I could do that again easily' (I had had a lot of drugs at that point!). For me I think what made it ok was a) I was looked after really well, and b) I was prepared for things to not go to plan and hadn't set my heart on having a perfect 'natural' birth.

As for sharing, it's really hard as I don't want to scare women with what sounds horrendous, but at the same time I want them to know that even a difficult birth doesn't need to frightening or traumatising.

I'd also add that I also don't know anyone who was traumatised. In fact what I heard a lot of was people reassuring me that it was tough but manageable, and that was certainly true for me as well.

but birth is not always dreadful?? I kind of enjoyed DS2

best case scenario its major period cramps, then shitting a baby sized poo

I had 3 births all less than 8 hours from first twinge to final push. Only gas and air used for pushes and each child took 4 pushes!

My husband looks at one born and wonders why these woman make such a fuss!!!!

I'm with the OP.
I get some people may think it's all too personal to divulge. But I don't understand all this talk about 'unnecessarily scaring people' and going on about 'everyone is different'.

1. If I asked about the details, how is telling me the truth unnecessary and selfish? (I'm not talking about people who volunteer gory details without being asked).
2. If I asked about how it was for you, do you not think I am fully aware I am only getting your account, your unique experience? Why can't we trust the person asking to be intelligent enough to know that everyone is different?

Being informed is important to me. I want to read the stats and data on epidurals, tears and potential issues. I also want to hear anecdotal stories about a range of actual experiences. It goes without saying that 'everyone is different' and I understand the stories I hear probably won't represent the full spectrum of experiences (which from this thread is obviously a very big range). But they help me know what are some of the potential things other women go through and that is helpful.

There is a lot of silence around birth. When a friend told me he was traumatized his wife lost a lot of blood, I was really shocked - I had no idea that happens. I would appreciate more openness and sure, do make it positive and qualify it if you want ('Well I did lose a lot of blood, but mind you that was just me and I don't know if that's common') That is matter-of-fact and not scaremongering.

We need to be empowering women with knowledge and positivity rather than scaring each other.

I think it's wrong to say a 'tiny' number of births are fine. Women who have 'good' births are less likely to tell their story. Sometimes there feels like a 'oneupmanship' on who had the worse birth.

Take, for example, hospital protocol. Could there be less intervention if we knew we could say no if the only reason for intervention was you've pushed for two hours? The problem we have is we don't question. Birthing partners may know even less than we do.

For the record, I've had four amazing births. I am convinced this is due to my birthing partners knowledge and intervention during the first birth.

There are as man birth stories as there are children and each and every one is unique. And it remains very abstract until you actually do it for the first time. I don't think you CAN relay it accurately. My view is we should come at birthing from the very best, most positive vantage point and arm ourselves with knowledge and facts to be ready for the birth itself.

I didn't experience any conspiracy of silence. I wanted info so I read mumsnet and went to ante-natal yoga where we talked about everything and each new mother came back with their baby and told their story.
Nhs antenatal classes weren't about personal stories but procedure so it did cover what might happen but in a very matter of fact way.

It depends on the recipient I would say. Do they actually want to hear the honest truth in all its gory detail or not? I am 33 weeks pregnant and scared about what lies ahead. Horror stories and being told how 'traumatic' birth can be is not helpful to me at all.

I'm going in with an open mind, but I don't want to go in terrified as then I will be in completely the wrong mindset.

If I had already been through it, or never planned to go through it, or for some reason wanted to hear about how truly awful it is, then fine. But with it still ahead of me? No thanks. I'll do my own preparation, my way and hope for the best experience I can have.

I find it strange so many people have liked giving birth.

Everyone I know had a difficult birth, except one lady.

My mum had bad PPH and the placenta didn't come away, 3rd degree tear
My aunt - failed induction EMCS
My nan - 2 breech babies, my mum was blue and had got strangled in the cord. Ended up with a hysterectomy
Friend 1 - failed induction 36 hour labour EMCS
Friend 2 - baby got distressed episiotomy and ventouse
Friend 3 - 2 episiotomies and ventouse
Friend 4 - water birth because she was 8cm at hospital, tore and said it was horrific
Friend 5 - induction but wasn't too bad
Friend 6 - had a natural birth with gas and air and said it was fine

Me - ELCS (Which was absolutely fine) but baby was blue and had to go to NICU. Traumatic experience.

Reading the thread I'm surprised, as other than lady 6 no one has liked their birth

I had a planned c section which was hard. The second was a natural delivery and manageable. Child three and four were brilliant births. So easy!

Ha! I tell pretty much everyone it was agony, then I had an epidural, then it was bliss!

Its odd but I've found that the more alternative earthy ladies tended to have smoother births generally. While my more mainstream friends seemed to have more intervention

I am honest about my experience but I had two very positive experiences.

I have heard so many pregnant women question why mothers seem to tell them horror stories about difficult births so I would disagree that people are coy about the sometimes traumatic and painful reality of birth.

I also think that worrying about it in advance is pretty unhelpful (though obviously, it's hard not to think about it and be a bit apprehensive) so being told gory details that may or may not happen to you is not very constructive.

The best advice to give pregnant women is "well, I had a great/rough birth but what will be, will be and you are in good hands. Know what your ideal birth would be and what pain relief you would like and what's available but don't beat yourself up or worry about it if things go another way."

I see no point in birth comparsions because yes every one is different.
I don't have any horror stories but even if I did what's the point in having a " my childbirth was worse than yours " competition
Go in with an open mind because it just may be not so bad.
Having said that I once was a birth partner with a friend who had a hypno birth. It was calm peaceful and she managed to completely detach from her pain. If I ever had another baby ( gotta find a man first ,) I would save up and have the hypno

I just want to add, as was mentioned by PP's that the postnatal ward was worse than labour IME. After night 1 (previous 2 nights had no sleep due to contractions) DP arrived for visiting hours and I was rocking backwards and forwards, anxious, exhausted and I told him I thought they were torturing me by making me stay.

4 babies on a ward, when you can't handle one yet is torture.