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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mothers should be honest about birth?

279 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 14:28

To other women who've not gone through it yet? There's so much

"Oh it's different for everyone"

And shilly shallying about around the subject.

I guess a tiny minority DO have "easy" or even pleasant experiences of birth but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

This was inspired by another thread. Sorry if I'm offending anyone as I know it's an emotive subject.

But my own experience was that dreadful I don't think I COULD lie if another woman asked me directly. Yet some people seem to be all coy about this fact.

OP posts:
CherryPits · 17/12/2015 14:50

Well I am honest, if not detailed. When my DS was a baby a friend who was newly pregnant said "did it hurt a lot" and I said "yes it did".Then she said "but you forget about it, don't you" and I laughed and said "well, no, not really". She looked devastated but I hadn't gone into any gory details and it was true. It was going to fucking hurt, like it does for most people.

Thurlow · 17/12/2015 14:50

You can't win on this one.

Be honest, and you're accused of scaring people. Because of course, that was your birth, and there's no reason to think that anyone else will have the same experience.

Fudge around the topic, and you're not being honest.

Plus you never know how your story will affect the woman you tell. What if you tell them a horror story and they end up terrified, and then tense up and panic during labour? What if you tell them it was ok, and theirs isn't, then they get PND afterwards because they didn't have a good birth?

And equally, what might sound bad to another woman (mine - 3 days, tachycardia, emcs, baby in NICU) wasn't actually that bad when you went through it.

steff13 · 17/12/2015 14:51

but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

I think this is VERY strange. I know one or two women who had difficult births, but that's it. I think uneventful births are the majority, not the minority.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 14:52

We've clearly not been reading the same stories. All I hear is how being in labour was the most horrendous pain ever, they wanted to die, etc etc. And THEN you also get to hear about how this women nearly bled out, THIS woman's epidural didn't take, "a water birth didn't help me at all", etc etc. Frankly it's left me absolutely terrified and feeling like there's no possible way I can "win" at this experience, and that no matter what I do it's going to be traumatic and disappointing and the worse pain I've ever felt.

So I don't know who you've been talking to, but no one has tried to spare my feelings whatsoever.

TaliZorah · 17/12/2015 14:53

I agree OP. Even a straightforward birth usually includes tearing, shitting yourself, stitches, pain. I wish people would stop romanticising it

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 14:53

Steff well it may be strange...but that's the truth. I don't know one of my friends or my sisters who had a good birth. They were all horrible. Prolonged, lots of intervention and scariness.

OP posts:
Sighing · 17/12/2015 14:54

I had two relatively "easy" births. I never want to sound smug, or somehow as though how I did it was the "right" way (gas and air for stitches dd1 ... nothing dd2 arrived at hospital fully dilated both times).
A lot of birth experiences seem more traumatic because of targets some set themselves. But it's hard to tell anyone to relax - it's huge. If anyone asks me I shall try to be useful. But my experiences are very limited. I haven't got much to bring to a debate on pain relief (try walking up amd down the stairs or getting in a shower - which i did sounds arrogant to me!).

fishalive · 17/12/2015 14:57

I did Hypnobirthing and have had two quick easy births.

In all honesty I think the majority of it is mindset. Hypnobirthing taught me that it doesn't have to be bad or medical or painful or horrendous so armed with that info I got my head in that space and believed it could be so.

Prob not what you want to really hear OP but IMHO this is what would be flogged to pregnant women as a way to approach birth, and I would hazard a guess that more women would have good births and then it would become the norm and that would be the "truth" that people share.

Birdie85 · 17/12/2015 14:58

I'm all for being honest about pregnancy and childbirth, but not to the extent of scaring people!

I think I'd have felt better when I was pregnant if people had been more open about things like the stress your body is under, and how few days I'd actually feel 'well' the whole time, the gas, how annoying baby kicks can actually be when you're just trying to get to sleep etc. I wasn't prepared for how long and boring birth would be, would have been nice to know before-hand that when you're told 'you're getting close' there's still a good 4-8 hours to go! Hmm Would have also been nice to know a bit about tears and grazes before too... Shock

mrsb26 · 17/12/2015 14:59

What's wrong with a middle ground?

It doesn't need to be "well it was pure bliss and it was easy" or "well my vagina exploded and I had to have 4566465437 stitches and I'd rather burn in hell."

You can be honest about your own experience whilst remaining sensitive to the impending, nervous new mum.

I'd tell anyone who asked that my experience was a painful one, but reassure them that they will be able to do it and it will be so worth it.

FourForYouGlenCoco · 17/12/2015 14:59

I remember crawling up and down the stairs in labour, thinking I was in the worst pain I'd ever been in and I'd do anything to make it stop. And she wasn't even born for a few hours after that! No one's disputing that it hurts like nothing else.
But I had a really good, easy experience - reasonably quick labour, homebirth, no drugs, one tiny tear. I was really embarrassed to talk about it afterwards because of all the new mums competing to have the worst birth story. I felt like I'd come across as horribly smug if I chipped in.
And I still downplay it to pregnant women in case they don't have a good time, and then it's like rubbing it into their face.
I think people do and are willing to talk about birth experiences of all types, especially if you go looking online etc - but it's really hard to get a balance, and to avoid either showing off or terrifying people who haven't done it yet.

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 15:00

Birdie but being honest WILL scare people. So you're either honest or you lie. I can't lie. It's unhelpful to women to go into things blind.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 17/12/2015 15:01

How can it "not have to be painful?", it's a baby coming out of a relatively small place. It doesn't hurt because people are afraid it hurts because physically something much larger is coming out of a small place, and your muscles are contracting. No amount of mind over matter can change that.

I understand that everyone experiences pain differently and the intensity varies however I don't believe natural labour can be without pain

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 15:01

MrsB I think all women should know the possibility of horror is there. All this beating round the bush is unhelpful. It's worse when you don't know what MIGHT happen.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 17/12/2015 15:04

Lane I agree. They give you NO information about birth injuries and the risks of vaginsl births, most women don't realise until afterwards when they're left with consequences. It's unfair, no other medical procedure do they do this for yet birth is romanticised instead of being seen as something that has risks. It's a disservice to mothers

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/12/2015 15:04

I've got three ds's, two births were straightforward but ds2 was traumatic and he was delivered by emcs.

I would never dream of telling an expectant Mum about how awful it was, why would I do that?

I don't believe it's up to me to give the grim details of birth out and 'it's different for everyone' is a fair point.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 17/12/2015 15:05

All women do know the possibility of a bad birth is there, of course they do. That doesn't mean they have to hear the birth horror stories of everyone they meet and be utterly terrified.

Everyone has different birth experiences, and we all learn when we get there. Even people who have given birth a few times don't know what the next one will be like.

Scaring pregnant women in a bid to be helpful will achieve the exact opposite. It just means as well as an awful birth (if they have one) they have months of endless worry about it beforehand too.

Shakey15000 · 17/12/2015 15:05

Oh I don't know.

I'm inclined to think (though happy to be told otherwise) that those who had a straightforward birth with no complications veer towards being honest and those (like me) who had a very traumatic one steer clear of telling a new expectant mother, how it was. Which kind of doesn't sit well with me as I'm otherwise straight talking. But I do. I steer clear. Because I don't want to scare the bejeesus out of someone who may very well not suffer as much.

On holiday this year, a friend who works in the resort who I've known for years, is expecting in Feb. She very sweetly asked in broken English, if everything was "ok down there" after the birth. I paused. Then gave a thumbs up and plastered a fake grin on my face.

Mind you, it's a bit of a moot point now I guess, as anyone can read the potential "truth" here, and elsewhere online.

shebird · 17/12/2015 15:06

I'm agree OP, although im more for sharing so that mums have a more realistic expectation of the many possible birth scenarios.

What makes me laugh is when midwives or books suggest a 'birth plan'. I've yet to meet anyone whos first time birth experience went according to a plan. New mums should be told to expect a number of birth scenarios and not just a magical planned water birth to whale song. I think the issue is where people expect it to happen in a certain way and it does not then they are upset or traumatised. We all know it's going to hurt and much of what happens is out of your control which is pretty scary in

maybebabybee · 17/12/2015 15:07

I am pregnant with my first and I don't agree at all there is no information on traumatic births or what might happen out there - not only is it all over the internet if you look for it, it's also available from midwives if you ask and tbh since I have been pregnant all I have heard are horror stories from other mums.

I fully expect a hideous experience!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/12/2015 15:07

There's nobody worse, in my opinion, than the 'birth bore' who tells every gory detail to a wide eyed and horrified woman.

shebird · 17/12/2015 15:08

..itself. We just need to be more informed and have less fixed ideas on how birth should be.

bestimeever · 17/12/2015 15:08

This is an interesting thread to me. Not least because I teach Hypnobirthing and used it to birth my own two DC. I subsequently trained in it after the birth of number two. I did find that the Hypnobirthing helped me enormously to reduce the pain, maintain a level of calm & control and had two positive births despite the fact many people would call the second birth 'traumatic'. I don't as the techniques kept me very calm so I truly don't see it that way. That is the truth and I was there (!) and I know if it had been the opposite I would have told everyone that too. There is a lot of luck involved too in any birth which I always stress on my courses. Everyones' perspective and experiences are valid and I too don't talk too much in RL like someone else said as I worry about coming across as 'smug' which I definitely am not! I can't help hoping in some way that my message and others like it can help someone whose pregnant to show that there are some women who had positive labour and birth experiences as I know that was what I wanted to hear more of when I was pregnant.

BarbaraofSeville · 17/12/2015 15:08

Surely no-one is under any illusion that giving birth can be extremely painful and traumatic Confused but different births are different experiences?

You would have to have absolutely no contact with women or any media featuring women (here, magazines etc) to be unaware of what can happen.

Women talk about stitches, pain, injuries, how long labour can take, pain relief, all sorts of stuff enough to have an awareness of what can happen without having given birth yourself.

maybebabybee · 17/12/2015 15:11

You would have to have absolutely no contact with women or any media featuring women (here, magazines etc) to be unaware of what can happen.

Yes, exactly. I genuinely don't understand what the majority of you are seeing portrayed? Everything I've read or seen since getting pregnant and, indeed, before, screams horror story to me. Not whale music waterbirth.