Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mothers should be honest about birth?

279 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 14:28

To other women who've not gone through it yet? There's so much

"Oh it's different for everyone"

And shilly shallying about around the subject.

I guess a tiny minority DO have "easy" or even pleasant experiences of birth but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

This was inspired by another thread. Sorry if I'm offending anyone as I know it's an emotive subject.

But my own experience was that dreadful I don't think I COULD lie if another woman asked me directly. Yet some people seem to be all coy about this fact.

OP posts:
lighteningirl · 17/12/2015 21:59

I died in my first labour (36 hours) and had to be resuscitated and that's the nice version my second was 42 hours and I was bedridden afterwards it's not a story a pregnant woman needs to hear so I minimise.

MrsDeVere · 17/12/2015 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorah · 17/12/2015 22:02

Duchess I found that too, I know people who had forceps that are happy because "it wasn't EMCS" where for me, forceps and other things would be so much worse.

I found with my ELCS it was almost pain free. Even recovery was fine. It was nice and calm.

ayria · 17/12/2015 22:06

I think if it was possible to more debriefing of difficult births as standard, that would be helpful in dealing with baggage and reducing the role of birth in postnatal mental health difficulties.

It took me nearly 4 years to find out what happened and why and get help for dealing with my son's birth. I didn't know it was some women's experience to feel angry or cheated after a birth. I didn't know why I felt that way but it was a natural reaction. Now I know...

SnowflakesandChampagne · 17/12/2015 22:06

By all accounts I had a bad birth, the baby was rotated and I had a forceps delivery in theatre. Myself and the baby became septic and DS was in special care. However I don't really think about any of that. I was so drugged up I just remember the first time I held him and bf him; the rest is all a bit of a blur. That feeling is like no other and that's what I really remember from my birth. I'd do it all again tomorrow so that's what I tell people.

Laquila · 17/12/2015 22:10

There is a this attitude that women who make plans, who hope for a good birth need telling about themselves. They are often ridiculed on MN and in RL. Almost always by other women.

Couldn't agree more, MrsDeVere.

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 22:12

It sounds really then as though it's just another thing that women are horrible to each other about.

wallywobbles · 17/12/2015 22:15

First birth was shite second was less painful than a bikini wax. I always tell the truth about it. It's messy, gory, bloody and you can check your dignity at the door. But it's just one day in your life and generally you get to leave with a baby.

Besides its not the birth that people don't talk about half as much as what goes after. Leaking from every orifice, leaky boobs, bleeding, piles, post birth contractions for days, burst thingys in your eyes from pushing, stitches etc.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 17/12/2015 22:34

I have a friend who gave birth a couple of weeks before me. She had an unpredicted large baby, tore badly and ended up in theatre/days in hosptial. I was terrified - I had my birth 'planned' in my mind, and I started to lose my nerve (of course, far too late by this point!). It turned out I had a textbook birth that went pretty much exactly as I had planned. Yes, it was painful and hard work, but I only had a graze/small 1st degree tear and ended up going home within the same day. I felt so guilty telling my friend about it - like I was somewhat abnormal (I know I was lucky though, especially for a first birth). I now feel bad telling anyone about it - like it's meant to be something secretly awful. I had a harder time post-birth physically - can always tell some horror stories about constipation! It's the same about early days with babies - I kept being told it would be the hardest days of my life. It really hasn't been so far, but once again it just seems smug to say so to pregnant women/other mothers, so I don't really.

Dumdiddlydum · 17/12/2015 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 17/12/2015 22:58

I did hypnobirthing but also watched so many of those birth programmes that I had seen exactly what happens, I understood the cascade of treatments, what could go wrong etc so felt v prepared - birth for me was a lot of hard work but not totally painful - ds was back to back so it was a long ride - 4 days of contractions ranging from 15-5 mins apart and took ages to get to 10cm but keeping focused and the breathing meant I did it on co-codamol and tens and didn't get stressed When they were talking about possible intervention - managed to push out 9lb 7oz back to back ds.

Hernia afterwards was less fun :) but overall a positive birth imo

happytocomply · 17/12/2015 23:18

I had what you might think of as a 'bad' birth: an emcs due to placental abruption. Not at all the water birth in the midwife led unit I had imagined. However, to me it was a good birth as I had trust in the doctors and midwifes, everyone acted professionally, kindly and swiftly and me and baby made it through safely.

I try and tell my story when I can, I know it might worry some expectant women but I want to show you can have a good birth without it being the one you imagined.

KatieLatie · 18/12/2015 00:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/12/2015 02:09

Surely everyone knows that giving birth is likely to be long and painful. That's the default, with people's experiences falling all the way along that spectrum either side - some easy and virtually pain-free, through to horrific, with terrible outcomes for mother and/or baby.

There's very few people of child-bearing age who aren't at least you vaguely aware of this, I wouldn't have thought

Women used to routinely die in childbirth - which suggests it's something you'd want to take relatively seriously - I just thank my lucky stars I'm alive in this day and age.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/12/2015 07:39

the birth of dd did not hurt. (epidural pethidine and gas and air.)

littlejolee · 18/12/2015 08:10

This is my sentiment exactly! Giving birth hurt but really it wasn't that bad, I even had a nap in the middle of my labour (thank God for epidurals!) But am I heck doing the nine months of being knocked up again that was horrendous! :)

IJustLostTheGame · 18/12/2015 08:28

I think telling people the reality can freak them out.
I remember a blasé pal tell my other very squeamish pal about her labour 'I shit myself in a room full of people, and the midwife said everyone does it'
Regardless of whether this is true or not my squeamish friend has now got a real complex about childbirth. She would have been happier not knowing.

MiaowTheCat · 18/12/2015 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 18/12/2015 08:57

I tend to trail off into the horror story myself (blush) pretty much as a way of trying to come to terms with it. Although the pregnancy was as bad.

But I am careful with first time mothers to not say too much, something like 'yes it does hurt, therés no pretending it doesn't, but the result is worth it. Also, people's experiences vary a lot. Hope for an easy birth, but get your pain-control plan in place early just in case"

Anotherusername1 · 18/12/2015 10:40

I've not read the full thread, but I wasn't traumatised and I wasn't in agony. I was in labour a long time (Sunday to Wed morning, although the hospital said it was 10 hours, yeah right). I had every intervention going (well not c-section or ventouse) but I ended up having an epidural so wasn't in pain. I wouldn't have said that my experience was particularly positive but it was not painful and it was not traumatic.

I had a procedure called Keillands forceps. Much later I discovered that it is quite a risky procedure so I am glad that I did not know that at the time! I didn't have any more babies though, I decided to quit while I was ahead and still intact without any major tears etc.

My mum had a much worse experience than I did - she was in labour for about 36 hours and had loads of stitches without anesthetic. Thank goodness for epidurals!

CallieTorres · 18/12/2015 10:46

I don't know anyone who thinks that child birth is not painful and a nice experience

mine were fast quick, and still painful ( i had flash backs to the pains on the first one) 10 years since the last one, and pretty much 'forgotten'

my sis was in labour for 2 days with both of hers....

weeblueberry · 18/12/2015 11:02

I agree I don't like to talk about my birth experience in real life. It was easy both times (induced, gas and air, 3 hours from start to finish) and people think you're just being full of yourself when you mention it. I've also had people who have specifically asked me what kind of pain relief I've had be snotty with an 'ooooooooh check you' type attitude. So it's definitely not something I volunteer.

Goes to show there's no winning the childbirth game lol. Well apart from the baby prize! :D

minifingerz · 18/12/2015 11:24

Yes, I agree.

I'd love to say to people 'my births were really challenging and I had long labours and various complications, but I still coped without pain relief and felt that there were rewards in doing so'.

But nobody believes a) that you can cope without pain relief unless your labour is short and straightforward and b) that there is any value in going without pain relief in a difficult labour, and I couldn't be arsed to explain my very good reasons, and have to deal with other people's general sneering, disbelief, and defensiveness about their own birth choices.

DrMum83 · 18/12/2015 12:05

Not read whole thread.
When I was heavily pregnant, a patient said to me 'good luck Doctor, I'm sure you'll be ok, not like the poor lady and baby who died in the next bed to me during labour in the sixties'

elf0508 · 18/12/2015 14:55

I had an awful Labour, nobody had ever pre warned me that things can go so horribly wrong. Induction failed, heart rate lowered, me having a fit, lost a lot of blood that I needed two blood transfusions, an iron transfusion which left me short of oxygen and then a blood clot. I don't tell my story to scare people, I tell them to help them. I've had at least 10-20 ladies thank me for sharing my experience as theirs also ended similarly but they weren't as scared because I was able to pre warn them. I have been left with PTSD because nobody had thought to tell me, true I shouldn't have been naive enough to think it'd all be fine.