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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I don't drive"

269 replies

AmusingSpoonerism · 15/12/2015 03:50

I know IprobablyABU but this turn of phrase really winds me up. People say "I don't drive" when they mean "I cannot drive" or "I am not legally entitled to drive". It's not like they just decided that it's not something they'd like to do anymore so stopped. It really (unreasonably) winds me up.

Am I the only one?

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/12/2015 11:05

I think it bothers people so much because many people who cannot drive are, frankly, entitled scroungers.

Of course I don't give lifts to people who persistently take the piss; I'm not a doormat. But many people who seem otherwise reasonable have a total blind spot about scrounging lifts and are quite quick to paint you as the bad guy for refusing.

And note I said "many" not "all". Obviously the people coming on here are the reasonable ones. No ones going to come on and say, "Well I blag as many lifts as I can", are they?

pearpie · 15/12/2015 11:19

I've failed my driving test 4 times because I have dyspraxia and no spatial awareness. I used to say "I can't drive", but as I've got older I feel a bit embarrassed about it, so I say "I don't drive" now. I don't elaborate any further, but I have a disabled bus pass so I let people make their own assumptions.

I refuse to accept lifts anywhere and I never ask for them. I live in London so I take the tube or bus everywhere. If there is anywhere that can't be reached on public transport or taxi then I just don't go.

hefzi · 15/12/2015 11:24

I don't drive: I live in the city, and therefore don't have a car.

However, I can drive, am able to drive, am licensed to drive - but don't. Therefore, YABVU just on principle Grin

Quornmakesmefart · 15/12/2015 11:30

Yes it winds me up - depends on the reason though.

I know a handful of women (in their 60's+ which is probably relevant...) who have never learnt to drive, not because of medical or financial reasons, but just because 'DH drives so I don't need to'. Hearing that makes me want to slap them with a wet fish.

MissBattleaxe · 15/12/2015 11:36

I think it bothers people so much because many people who cannot drive are, frankly, entitled scroungers.

That's a pile of offensive steaming bollocks.

Many people who don't or can't drive would actually not be safe on the road. I'm sick of these non-driver bashing threads. Nobody has to produce a satisfactory back story to anyone as to why they can't or don't drive. There are many idiots who can drive and shouldn't bloody have licences if you ask me.

I say I don't drive because if I say I can't everyone tells me I should learn. I spent two years trying to learn, sat two tests and experienced several dangerous situations and I don't need to explain my personal and complex reasons to anyone.

And no I don't ask for or expect lifts.

Pedestriancrossing · 15/12/2015 11:39

I learned to drive at 19 and was a safe driver for over 20 years before being diagnosed with a progressive visual loss a few years ago. I had to surrender my licence to DVLA. When people ask I say "I can't drive" and I don't always want to discuss my health problems at the drop of a hat. I don't expect lifts from people. I am rather upset to read this thread and now wonder if people are judging me when I say I can't drive... hopefully not many people are that shallow.

Devora · 15/12/2015 11:49

I just think it would sound better if you said...
I haven't passed my driving test.
I don't own a car.
I can't drive due to my epilepsy.
I hate driving so choose not to.

And if my not driving was the topic of conversation, I might explain why. But usually it's a throwaway, as in:
"Let's have lunch at the museum. Shall I meet you at the car park at 1pm?"
"I don't drive, so I'll be getting the train which arrives at 1.10pm. So shall we make it the courtyard at 1.15?"

Really, 99% of the time it doesn't merit any explanation. And it would be more princessy to go into any detail.

Oh, and I don't scrounge lifts. Occasionally they happen, but rarely. I'm spending Christmas with extended family - people are driving from all over to get there. Me and the kids will get trains and buses, pulling our cases. I haven't asked anyone to pick us up, because we're fine - we're used to public transport.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/12/2015 11:49

MissBattleaxe if you don't ask for or expect lifts then you obviously do not come under the category "entitled scroungers".

But many people, note "many" not "all" do. As a non driver, you will not have come across these lift scroungers. However there are very many threads on here about people who experience problems with them.

I am happy to give non drivers lifts but if it is a regular thing, frankly I expect to be offered petrol money or at the very least a nice bottle of wine at Christmas.

Devora · 15/12/2015 11:51

I don't doubt there are lift scroungers, Tinkly. But their existence doesn't justify a general attitude of arsiness to non-drivers.

NoSquirrels · 15/12/2015 11:53

^Don't is more assertive when dealing with judgemental, nosy feckers. Basically.^

This.

Usually it only comes up in conversation if it's for a specific reason:

"Let's all have a trip to insert-out-of-reach-by-public-transport-attraction with the kids, who's up for it?"
"I'd love to but I don't drive".

"Ooh, we could have a trip to IKEA/out of town superstore and pick up XYZ"
"Good idea but I don't drive"

"I'm getting a taxi to the restaurant/pub/cinema if anyone wants to join."
"Not driving then?"
"I don't drive."

Most people won't ever have noticed you don't drive until you have to point it out to them. And then they're incredulous and sort of patronising and act like you're not a fully functioning adult and how on EARTH have you managed and well... it gets old. So you say the thing that is guaranteed to shut the conversation down as quickly as possible.

In my experience, non-drivers hate asking for lifts. We may accept them if offered and truly convenient, but sometimes it really is more convenient to just go ahead with your well-practised plans for getting there under your own steam.

I can never understand why other people get so bothered by whether or not someone drives a car. It's not inconveniencing them 99% of the time.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/12/2015 11:56

Hmm, you are right Devora, and I am undoubtedly projecting about a particular lift scrounger who has pissed me off recently. I'm not trying to be arsey and I apologise if I have offended any nice non entitled, non drivers.

Thurlow · 15/12/2015 11:58

Surely, though, most adults who don't drive don't drive for a pretty good reason

1 - medical or physical reason that means they either cannot, or it is unsafe for them to, drive

2 - costs of learning, buying and running a car

3 - lack of time or ability to learn

4 - tried and tried and tried and just aren't cut out to be a driver

5 - really don't need to i.e. living in a big city

The number of people who haven't learnt because they can't be arsed and are happy to demand and expect lifts from other people is surely tiny

DesertIslandPenguin · 15/12/2015 12:01

My MIL has a full driving licence but doesn't drive. No one is quite sure why, as no one can remember her having an accident, but she won't drive and hasn't done for 30 years +.

Unreasonablebetty · 15/12/2015 12:01

When people ask do you drive? Are often asking do you drive, for some kind of practicality purpose- ie for a job, for transport arrangements etc.

They aren't asking can you drive because it's of no consequence... Some people can drive, but don't have a car.
Saying I can drive doesn't imply that you have a car to do so.

Devora · 15/12/2015 12:02

I didn't mean you specifically, Tinkly Smile. It's just when you delve into this issue, it always seems to come down to either lift scroungers, or infantilised/needy women who expect everyone to run their lives for them. Neither of which I relate to: I am a breadwinning, oyster card-wielding, full time working, fast-walking, getting-my-kids-around-town, fully signed up adult who happens to not drive Smile

Devora · 15/12/2015 12:03

DesertIslandPenguin, my gran, by contrast, has never had a driving licence but was on the road for 60 years Shock

knobblyknee · 15/12/2015 12:04

YABU. I Dont Drive is shorthand for a long winded explanation as to why they dont/cant drive. Which is a) too much information and b) none of your business.
No one needs to explain their reasons to you. If you do need to know, you can talk about it.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/12/2015 12:10

No I get that Devora, I lived in London, didn't learn to drive until we moved out and I realised it would be necessary. In the time that I was learning I never blagged a lift, preferring to arrange my life so that public transport was available.

I found that most people assumed I didn't have a car, rather than that I couldn't drive.

candykane25 · 15/12/2015 12:10

nosquirrels. Agree. As a disabled non driver I do t ask for a lift. I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to ferry me around.
If it is offered it is gratefully accepted but I reciprocate in other ways. I find that offers of petrol money are refused but I do other things like buy lunch, or coffee and cake or treat the lift giver in other ways - a nice meal at my house, etc.
I have often spent a couple of hours on public transport each way to visit friends but they don't make the half hour drive to visit me back. Each to their own.

KitZacJak · 15/12/2015 12:11

YABU- If someone say they don't drive it means they don't drive, the reasons for that are none of your business (unless of course they are using you as their personal chauffeur!)

citybushisland · 15/12/2015 12:13

My OH passed his test 30 years ago although he drove for a few years when we lived overseas he will not drive in the UK, ever. So he is one who legitimately says 'I don't drive', because he doesn't, and hasn't for many years purely through choice.

pigsinmud · 15/12/2015 12:15

I can't drive so I don't drive. Had lessons many year ago when I was 21. Hated every single second of it. Failed my test and then moved to London and didn't need to drive. Time passed, moved out of London, had dc, still didn't bother. Now I am too anxious about it and don't want to spend all week worrying about the one hour of driving lesson that I'd have that week. Everyone seems so stressed and unfriendly when driving.

Sometimes I say I don't drive, but usually I say I can't drive. I don't scrounge lifts. I use the bus or I walk. Tbh we couldn't afford a second car and dh needs the one we have so it doesn't really matter anyway.

Totally agree with NoSquirrels. I have occasionally had to ask for a lift for one of the dc to a party which is miles away, but friends are going anyway with their dc so I don't see the harm. Plus if dh is around with the car, we make sure that we offer lifts to others.

pigsinmud · 15/12/2015 12:17

Also, as a sahm I think I've paid back those handful of lifts with helping friends out when they're stuck at work and can't get back in time for school pick up.

Sameshitdiffname · 15/12/2015 12:25

Some drivers on here seem to be very entitled

Notso · 15/12/2015 12:43

I Find it comes from drivers as in "oh, you don't drive", I usually say I can't drive. Though soon I'll be able to say I'm having lessons.

I do agree that don't sounds more assertive. I hate having to explain the reasons why I can't. Even if I pass this time I'll still have to say no as I won't have a car.