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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I don't drive"

269 replies

AmusingSpoonerism · 15/12/2015 03:50

I know IprobablyABU but this turn of phrase really winds me up. People say "I don't drive" when they mean "I cannot drive" or "I am not legally entitled to drive". It's not like they just decided that it's not something they'd like to do anymore so stopped. It really (unreasonably) winds me up.

Am I the only one?

OP posts:
Thurlow · 15/12/2015 09:29

Actually, I think this is one of my favourite MN double standards.

4yo in a pushchair? You are a terrible parent, your kids will be lazy, you should all get up half an hour earlier so you can walk 40 mins each way to nursery.

Don't drive? How terrible of you!

Your DC will definitely be better off being driven everywhere then using a pushchair

Hmm

Only on MN.

tiggytape · 15/12/2015 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WoodHeaven · 15/12/2015 09:34

What museum said.

'I don't drive' doesn't mean I can't drive or have never learnt or whatever. I means I don't have the use of a car or I can't offer a lift/take you there, I can't go there on my own, can you take me etc etc

Welshwabbit · 15/12/2015 09:35

OP, to be fair, you said you were being unreasonable in the first post. And I do get where you're coming from. I didn't learn to drive until a couple of years ago (mid-30s) and my husband only learned in his mid-20s. I used to say "I don't drive" because I was embarrassed to admit that basically I'd failed to put the effort in to learn. So I was doing it to avoid queries and surprise that, in my case, would have been justified.

You may ask why I should have been embarrassed to admit that I couldn't drive. Well, there are of course lots of very valid reasons for not learning to drive - disabilities, strongly held beliefs about environmental impact, very poor spatial awareness etc etc. But I didn't have any of them. And whilst I think there's no need to be embarrassed about choosing not to learn to drive if you genuinely don't need to rely on others for lifts at all, I do wonder how often that's true. I have lived in London for years, and the public transport here is amazing, but I still needed a car to travel to and my parents' house from the local railway station which was 10 miles away (only one local taxi service, often booked & no buses), and to and from weddings/funerals/other similar events which took place in rural areas. Those are just the examples I can think of off the top of my head. Another poster has posted above about needing to collect a child from a rural outward bound centre because the school needs to save costs, meaning that she's had to ask for a lift. I am sure there are some people who never need to ask anyone apart from their partner (if they drive) for lifts, but I'd be surprised if that goes for the majority.

So, OP, YABU because people can say what they want and there's nothing inherently wrong in saying "I don't drive" whether you really mean "I can't" or "I choose not to for X reason" - but IWBU when I said it, I think.

WoodHeaven · 15/12/2015 09:35

tiggy I suspect a lot of teenagers don't need a car or to learn how to drive as they already have a chauffeur a mum to take them everywhere.

Chinesealan · 15/12/2015 09:37

Amusingspoonerism are you me? I have a childish joy in filthy spoonerisms.
YANBU. I couldn't drive until my late 30s and even annoyed myself by saying 'I don't drive.' that said, it can be about awkward saying 'I can't drive' when the conversation is simply about arrangements.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2015 09:39

What do you suggest I should say then OP? Confused

I can drive.

I hold a UK driving license.

I choose not to drive and I haven't driven for 14 years.

So surely "I don't drive" is the correct thing to say?

Devora · 15/12/2015 09:40

What is it with these MN threads having a pop at non-drivers? It's like a hangover thing from being 19 when those who hadn't learned to drive were judged by other 19 year-olds as having failed to pass a maturity rite.

I don't drive. I have a driving license. I also have no 3D vision, live in London, and can think of better ways to spend the money. Can't see why anyone would have a problem with that.

TheSecondViola · 15/12/2015 09:45

Plenty of people can't cook, do maths, do DIY, perform in bed, speak to the dead or are illiterate. No one bugs them. It's just accepted that they can't to stuff.

Nonsense. You can learn to do all those things, except converse with the dead, if you put some effort in.
Lazy people say they can't cook, or do diy, or do maths. Well,learn.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 15/12/2015 09:46

I have a partner who drives but he "don't cook" but he has a driving license so that validates him ... I do think it's unfair that I have so many practical skills - I was a Transport Planner ffs and yet I still feel awkward when I have to say I don't drive - Like I am not a proper grown up. It is annoying. I don't ask for lifts - I do get them offered all the time and most of the time I would be happier not to accept them, as you feel at a disadvantage accepting a favour you cannot return in kind (I make nice cakes though), But people don't believe I enjoy striding along plugged into my music alone (and I also get horribly carsick), the kids are less enthusiastic about walking but they love travelling on trains as they can move around and read/ draw etc. much more pleasant.

But I don't drive so what do I know Wink

souperb · 15/12/2015 09:46

I don't drive. I am perfectly capable of doing so, but for various reasons that frankly are none of your business I do not. Saying "I don't drive" is a simple way of expressing that without going into unnecessary detail. And people tend to take non-driving reasons as personal insults directed at them or start harping on about non-drivers always cadging lifts. "I don't drive" covers my position and usually ends the conversation with mere acquaintances.

People say "I don't drink" when they mean "I choose not to drink alcohol for whatever reason". Similarly it is no one's business why not unless the abstainer wishes to explain their motivation.

Owllady · 15/12/2015 09:47

I think you need to get out more

Toffeelatteplease · 15/12/2015 09:48

Yabu. Either you do drive or you dont. the reason why is irrelevant for that to be grammatically correct

Sameshitdiffname · 15/12/2015 09:50

Second viola some people really can't do maths it's not being lazy that's such a stupid comment to make

AvonleaAnne · 15/12/2015 09:50

I don't drive. I had some lessons when I was 17 but decided I didn't like it. It was the 90's so I also thought I was saving the planet and there would be no cars around in ten years time. 😳

I say "I can't drive" but then people always ask why, as they assume you have some condition that stops you driving. If you say "I don't drive" people seem to realise that it is out of choice.

My family are very keen for me to learn now. I still don't want to but I will if it makes their life easier! My Mum didn't drive when I was little either so I guess I grew up used to walking everywhere. I like the fact that my children are happy to walk to school in all weathers - some parents seem to think children melt in the rain.

InsufficientlyCaffeinated · 15/12/2015 09:54

I don't drive. I won't drive. Absolutely hate it. Hate breathing polluted air when queues of people sitting in cars clogging up the streets. Hate the number of people killed by cars. Hate all the wider health and environmental impacts of cars being the dominant form of transport. It is very much an active choice so not a case of I cannot, very much I do not.

Welshwabbit · 15/12/2015 09:54

I have to admit, I don't understand the "I don't drive because I like walking/ want to keep fit" position. I like walking. I do it a lot. If I can walk, I'll walk and I'd never take the car for a walkable journey. But most people do need to take longer journeys on a fairly regular basis - so if your sole reason for not driving is your preference for walking, just walk whenever you can & use the car when it's too far and there's no practical public transport alternative. Sorted.

Different, of course, if you can't afford to buy & run a car - or the lessons in the first place.

TheSecondViola · 15/12/2015 09:56

Rubbish. They can, they just don't try hard enough.

Shakey15000 · 15/12/2015 09:56

What amuses me about driving threads (not this one thus far though) is the insinuation that "I can't drive because I panic/have no spatial awareness/generally" can be magically cured by "increased confidence/extra lessons/practice and that one is unreasonable for not doing so. Like surely it's essential that you drive. Not that I'm exercising my right to make a sensible choice.

And that we must scrounge lifts everywhere. No! I walk/bus/taxi. Rant over Grin

TesticleOfObjectivity · 15/12/2015 09:58

My mum and siblings don't drive either because none of us have sat our test. They live in London and use public transport or walk or bike. I've managed to live in several places both in and out of London without driving or getting lifts. Now it takes me 30 mins walk to town, 20 to the library, about 20 mins walk to the nearest supermarket. I have no need of driving. Growing up if we travelled to other parts of the country far away we used the train or coach.

I had no idea that not driving was viewed as an inadequacy before I kept reading about it on mumsnet. In fact one women at a medium sized company I worked at used to drive to work and most people thought she was lazy because she drove to central London. I know in more rural areas it can make life a lot easier but in many places I think it isn't necessary.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2015 09:59

Rubbish. They can, they just don't try hard enough.

Even those who suffer from dyscalculia?

candykane25 · 15/12/2015 10:00

This has annoyed me a bit.

I learnt to drive. I would love to drive. I would love the freedom to have a car and be independent. It hurts me a lot that I've never been able to do that.
At 23 I was told I had a visual impairment and I would gradually go blind.
So I stopped driving.
I say I don't drive. It's the shortest way. Why should I explain my medical history to you OP? Why should I have to run through the emotional impact that has in me just because the phrasing bugs you?
When you wrote your post, did you consider the impact on a person who has been told they have to give up their independence of driving and be forever reliant on public transport with a disability, expensive taxis or the goodwill of others? Not to mention how it affects opportunities to fully engage in life?

bibliomania · 15/12/2015 10:02

I tend to say "I don't have a car" as I'm pretty embarrassed that I can't drive. I haven't passed my test - tried to learn to drive in a foreign country, with instruction in a different language, and driving on the other side of the road. It did not go well.

It hasn't been a priority recently as I can do everything I need to do by walking/public transport and I've had other financial priorities - not having driving expenses helped me with affordability calculations for a mortgage.

I feel I'll have to do it sooner or later because - well, because of this perception that it's part of being a competent adult. But I don't really want to.

maybebabybee · 15/12/2015 10:03

What's with the hatred on MN for people who can't/don't drive? Why on earth quibble about the semantics?

I'm 26. I live in London. I've never, ever needed to learn to drive as I walk or take public transport everywhere. Cars are expensive to run and needless here. My OH does because he grew up in a rural area but since he moved to the city he hasn't driven except on holiday. Neither of us feel the need to have a car. We are currently expecting DC1 so at some point we will probably get one but my mum managed in London taking public transport with three young children until she learned to drive in her late thirties.

Big fucking deal. Why does it bother people so much? I have zero road sense and I'm completely scatty. I'd be a fucking liability as a driver. At some point I'll probably learn but just because I don't drive now doesn't make me some kind of inferior woman.

LittleMissGeneric · 15/12/2015 10:03

I know this is meant to be lighthearted OP, and I kind of get what you mean, as I have phrases I don't like, but would never dare admit them on AIBU! Grin

However it is a good cover all. I say it. Though technically it's true for me as I can drive but I don't as I have no spacial awareness, can't tell my left from my right, and my coordination is terrible. And my concentration is also awful, and I have OCD and terrible anxiety!

I passed my test on the fifth attempt, with beta blockers! I did it because I felt I had too, and because my partner guilted me into
It. Where I am now is awful for busy roads, and to get anywhere would involve either a very steep hill and getting out onto a busy road, or another way which involves turning into a busy dual carriage way.

I am happy to walk, and get public transport, and if I am offered a lift, pay petrol, parking etc.

I do feel that non drivers are seen in a bad light, but trust me you don't want me on the roads!