OH won't 'leave' his mother

[gretanonie]

My dad has just got married and moved into his wife's house. He owns a lovely 3 bedroom country house 1 hour and a half away from where OH and I currently live in a cramped 1 bed rented flat. My dad has offered me his house as he doesn't really need to money from selling it and would have wanted leave it to me in his will anyway. Also I am 8 months pregnant so he wants to give my own family a good life (he was never really there for me when I was growing up).

I have been discussing this as an option with OH to move there when baby is 6 months old or so but he refuses. I could sell the house and get one here but it really isn't a nice area, I want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't want to be stuck in the same shitty town all my life either. He doesn't want to move because he wants to look after his mum. She is 50 and is in perfectly good health but he is her little errand boy which is quite frustrating but I just leave him to it.

I have said that I will move (and leave my mum, Nan and friends behind) because I'm putting my child first and he said he will have to move back in with his mum then. We currently live 2 minutes away from her. An hour and a half really isn't that far away. I am concerned that he doesn't yet realise what being a parent will be like. I have raised the point that if he is so concerned about his mum then she should be in assisted living or move to be with her family but he just laughed and said that's stupid. You simply can't raise your child, run around after your mum everyday(without good reason), work full time and keep your relationship alive. He is at hers now posting things for her and walking her dogs. MIL is perfectly able to do those things and works 10 hours a week so has the time. She has plenty of friends and SIL lives 10 minutes away but is a full time step mother so obviously puts them first. She might even find a partner soon.

AIBU to think he's being precious, a tad ridiculous and should put his child's future first? He's acting like I want to move to Australia and he'll never see her again

I would move into the house.
make sure his name is never put on the deeds.

dear Lord, I am 50, ok, my kids are not quite old enough to be in your situation, but I have already made it perfectly clear to all of them, that when they fly the nest they are to do so to wherever they want or need to be, and that I never want them to miss an opportunity for the fear of not being near us, it's commendable that your dp is thinking of his mum, but not at the expense of his own family. Just be sure if you move with or without him that the house is securely in your name, so you don't lose out should it not work out with him.

Ok, what I think the actual question to ask here is - is this the man you want? You cant change him - he is clearly a mummy's boy and that isn't going to change. He clearly isn't going to voluntarily move away, so you have two choices - move, and have what sounds like a really nice life, or stay, and be irritated A LOT. You aren't married yet - so you have options.

His nickname for her is frankly pathetic - he clearly adores her and is just trying to appease you by calling her that (not that you condone it, but he's trying to appear like he's on your side). I wouldn't be surprised if he has a choice name for you when with his mother too....?!

I agree with other posters that of course its preferable to have a solid family unit with both parents together, but that's only preferable if you are both happy! I'm not sure that you will be once your baby comes if he happens to put his precious mummy ahead of baby.......

Run. Run like the wind. Thats not a family. Get out while you have a nice house to move to! Best of luck.

Erp. This doesn't sound great. Tbh for me the bigger problem than the guy wanting to live near his mum (not a crime) is the way the discussion was brought up. If someone told me that we ARE moving to a house in the countryside one and a half hours away and that's that, I wouldn't be delighted. You two need to talk things through together, as a couple. His desires are as valid as yours.

He said we could move anywhere if she was dead

Tell him you would be happy to arrange that!

Seriously, given the history, best plan your life with your child and leave them to it. It sounds like he is desperate for him mums love.

I am 48 and have a 9 and a 10 year old. I also have a 20 year old, who is married with a child on the way! Heaven forbid her changing her life around to run around after me! Even in two years time when I will be 50!

Run, run as fast as you can!