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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH won't 'leave' his mother

156 replies

gretanonie · 14/12/2015 12:26

My dad has just got married and moved into his wife's house. He owns a lovely 3 bedroom country house 1 hour and a half away from where OH and I currently live in a cramped 1 bed rented flat. My dad has offered me his house as he doesn't really need to money from selling it and would have wanted leave it to me in his will anyway. Also I am 8 months pregnant so he wants to give my own family a good life (he was never really there for me when I was growing up).

I have been discussing this as an option with OH to move there when baby is 6 months old or so but he refuses. I could sell the house and get one here but it really isn't a nice area, I want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't want to be stuck in the same shitty town all my life either. He doesn't want to move because he wants to look after his mum. She is 50 and is in perfectly good health but he is her little errand boy which is quite frustrating but I just leave him to it.

I have said that I will move (and leave my mum, Nan and friends behind) because I'm putting my child first and he said he will have to move back in with his mum then. We currently live 2 minutes away from her. An hour and a half really isn't that far away. I am concerned that he doesn't yet realise what being a parent will be like. I have raised the point that if he is so concerned about his mum then she should be in assisted living or move to be with her family but he just laughed and said that's stupid. You simply can't raise your child, run around after your mum everyday(without good reason), work full time and keep your relationship alive. He is at hers now posting things for her and walking her dogs. MIL is perfectly able to do those things and works 10 hours a week so has the time. She has plenty of friends and SIL lives 10 minutes away but is a full time step mother so obviously puts them first. She might even find a partner soon.

AIBU to think he's being precious, a tad ridiculous and should put his child's future first? He's acting like I want to move to Australia and he'll never see her againAngry

OP posts:
ouryve · 14/12/2015 12:43

Your relationship doesn't sound like it has much of a long term future if he'd rather choose his mum over you.

His mum is all of 4 years older than me. Despite dodgy joints, I'm quite able to shift for myself (apart form needing the odd bit of help opening a bottle of wine!) Is his mum particularly needy in personality, or do you think he's just finding excuses to drift away from you and your (and HIS!) DD?

If he's willing to give up that easily, I'd choose the free home over him, to be honest.

Seeyounearertime · 14/12/2015 12:43

Yup I vote go and sod him.
Besides he might just be bluffing and being a bit silly.

ImperialBlether · 14/12/2015 12:43

It's very immature to call your mum names but not have a proper conversation with her explaining why he can't run around at her beck and call. How old is this man?

Original poster
gretanonie · 14/12/2015 12:45

We have no problems other than the subject
of his mother. I did suggest moving earlier on in my pregnancy but she lived on our sofa for quite a few months as her house was having lots of work on it so we couldn't leave her then either (eye roll). That was a great time(!)

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 14/12/2015 12:46

Totally agree with Tali don't throw away the chance of a lifetime of security for your child for this weasel. He will never change, his type never do.

19lottie82 · 14/12/2015 12:47

Are you sure the reason for him not wanting to move is his mother? Not everyone would be happy moving from the area that they call "home". An hour and a half away is quite a distance.

Could you not compromise and move away? But closer?

Original poster
gretanonie · 14/12/2015 12:47

He's 29 and I'm 27, I do feel he can be immature about certain things

OP posts:
MummaV · 14/12/2015 12:47

In your shoes I'd go and speak to his mother. Tell her about this amazing opportunity to have a large house, chance to expand the business, have a lovely life for your family and explain that he doesn't want to leave as he feels she can't cope without him. Sometimes I good old fashioned dash of guilt can make her see that she is being completely unreasonable having him run around after him all the time. If she stops this soon then maybe he'll realise that the opportunity that you have is worth leaving for.

My Dh used to run around after his mum a lot. I spoke to her when I found out I was pregnant as I was worried he'd end up putting her errands before our child. She felt so guilty and was so apologetic, she didn't realise how much of our family time was taken up doing things for her. Before me and dh got together he lived with her and just carried on as normal despite not living there any more.

She needs to be the one to step back and stop if he feels leaving would be an issue when it really wouldn't.

MummaV · 14/12/2015 12:48

Wow that was a massive post. sorry Blush

Badders123 · 14/12/2015 12:48

Jesus.
Go.
And don't look back!

Original poster
gretanonie · 14/12/2015 12:49

He doesn't like this area either and would love to move. It is literally just his mum. He said we could move anywhere if she was deadHmm

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 14/12/2015 12:49

You could take his Mum with you....
[Runs away very very quickly]

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/12/2015 12:50

My friend had a 10 yr relationship with a mummies boy. He couldnt make a decision about anything without asking his mummy for advice. Even if my friend said exactly the same thing, he had to hear it from mummy first.

It's like my friends ex saying "Is it raining?" "Yes" Friend replies, "I better ask mum."

It was exhausting and even though it hurt at the time, she sees thats she better off.

KitZacJak · 14/12/2015 12:50

Well, I can understand not wanting to move away from my home town, family and friends. Can't you just compromise and sell the house and move to a nice area near to where you are now with some space to expand your business from home? Having a baby is hard and you will need friends and family nearby. MIL might be a good babysitter you never know!

batters · 14/12/2015 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dustarr73 · 14/12/2015 12:51

'evil mean bitch woman'
If thats his name for his own Mother i would really hate to see what he says about you to her.Does not look or sound good.

rainbowstardrops · 14/12/2015 12:51

So he's blatantly chosen his mum over you and your dd in an ultimatum?
I'd clear off now to the lovely house.
What a charmer Confused

Floralnomad · 14/12/2015 12:52

Take the offer of the house and if he moves back in with his mother so be it , you will be well rid .

Dipankrispaneven · 14/12/2015 12:54

I thought he was purely a mummy's boy taking things to ridiculous lengths till you said what he called her. Does he mean that? Why on earth does he want to live with an "evil mean bitch woman"? And how does he account for the fact that other 50 year old healthy women manage to cope on their own without their children running around after them?

Lonelynessie · 14/12/2015 12:55

I'd leave in a heartbeat and not look back. He will see how ridiculous he is being. Sometimes people need to have change thrust upon them to understand. Good luck!

helenahandbag · 14/12/2015 12:57

I'm 25 and my parents are 51 and 55. They work full time, they jet off around the world several times a year and don't ask for a single thing from me or my brother.

Your DP will never, ever leave his mummy and his behaviour is so deeply unattractive that I don't understand how you can put up with it!

mamaslatts · 14/12/2015 12:58

Actually I think he doesn't like you very much either. I think he is looking for ways to not fully commit to you and the baby. Otherwise why no discussion whatsoever? There doesn't seem to be any compromise or support from him at the moment and I think he sees the not moving as a way to carry on as before. I think there's the possibility that a lot of the time he is at his mum's 'doing jobs' he is actually lounging around whilst you pick up the slack at home.
You haven't said very much about his mum at all really or what your relationship with her is like.

19lottie82 · 14/12/2015 12:59

OP if that's the case and its 100% just his mum then I'd leave. The issue will just fester and cause resentment.

Do you know anyone in the new area though? If not might be hard being by yourself with a newborn. I'm not saying this means you should stay, I'm just making a point.

19lottie82 · 14/12/2015 13:00

If everything is ok apart from the mum thing, would couples counselling be an option?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/12/2015 13:02

We're engaged and holding off until after baby is born and settled to get married.
Sorry but I wouldn't be booking anything in as yet

We are partners with my dad in one of his businesses so work from home, if we moved up there we would be able to have use of his offices and potentially expand creating more money.
So what happens if you split up? Does he have an interest in the business - could you continue to be business "partners" ?

I do still have hope that things will change when she's born as I feel I have already got the mother mentality but it doesn't become real for men until the child is here.
This is quite common. He may step up, grow up and start to think more clearly about his family and their future. Or he might not. If it's the latter you want to be able to walk away with as little pain as possible.

I will give it time but I do think he's being a bit silly RE his mother. I would understand if she was older and in bad health but I think she just has him by the neck with the apron strings at the moment. That will hopefully change when baby is here
It may do or she may become increasingly demanding and needy. Either way consider what makes life flexible.

Who is going to be earning the money while you are on maternity leave? Were you planning a short one on the basis that you both work from home?
What happens if you move now?
Does life become less or more complicated if you move out after the baby is born?

Does his mother actually know about your fathers offer of a house in a nice part of the world? If she does and is not encouraging it I'd start running now to be honest.