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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH won't 'leave' his mother

156 replies

gretanonie · 14/12/2015 12:26

My dad has just got married and moved into his wife's house. He owns a lovely 3 bedroom country house 1 hour and a half away from where OH and I currently live in a cramped 1 bed rented flat. My dad has offered me his house as he doesn't really need to money from selling it and would have wanted leave it to me in his will anyway. Also I am 8 months pregnant so he wants to give my own family a good life (he was never really there for me when I was growing up).

I have been discussing this as an option with OH to move there when baby is 6 months old or so but he refuses. I could sell the house and get one here but it really isn't a nice area, I want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't want to be stuck in the same shitty town all my life either. He doesn't want to move because he wants to look after his mum. She is 50 and is in perfectly good health but he is her little errand boy which is quite frustrating but I just leave him to it.

I have said that I will move (and leave my mum, Nan and friends behind) because I'm putting my child first and he said he will have to move back in with his mum then. We currently live 2 minutes away from her. An hour and a half really isn't that far away. I am concerned that he doesn't yet realise what being a parent will be like. I have raised the point that if he is so concerned about his mum then she should be in assisted living or move to be with her family but he just laughed and said that's stupid. You simply can't raise your child, run around after your mum everyday(without good reason), work full time and keep your relationship alive. He is at hers now posting things for her and walking her dogs. MIL is perfectly able to do those things and works 10 hours a week so has the time. She has plenty of friends and SIL lives 10 minutes away but is a full time step mother so obviously puts them first. She might even find a partner soon.

AIBU to think he's being precious, a tad ridiculous and should put his child's future first? He's acting like I want to move to Australia and he'll never see her againAngry

OP posts:
MoriartyIsMyAngel · 14/12/2015 13:34

Three bed house - could you take her with you? I know it sounds like a grim prospect, but if it was that or throw my marriage away, I'd try to swallow it!

MyrtleFox · 14/12/2015 13:37

Don't turn down a free house. Men come and go, especially apron-stringed men who aren't even your husband, but a roof over your head with no mortgage is going to make your life so much easier every day for ever. NO man can compete with that in my view.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 14/12/2015 13:37

chilled, the DP's relationship with his mother is the issue. This isn't actually about a house.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 14/12/2015 13:37

Even if his mum died he'd expect you to turn into her - that's his mental role model for women.

I'd run a mile.

mulledcarols · 14/12/2015 13:40

If his mother was 80 I would understand. But FIFTY??? Shock

WipsGlitter · 14/12/2015 13:43

His mum is 50? Is she unwell or disabled in some way? DP is 52 and BIL is 50 and they don;t have anyone running round or looking after them like this. Is she very manipulative?

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/12/2015 13:43

Bloody hell! I am four years younger than his mummy, I also have a four year old! I cannot imagine asking either of my kids to run around after me at that age...she's not a bloody pensioner and even if she was, it still wouldn't be acceptable Hmm. He clearly has a lot of issues surrounding his childhood, unsurprisingly. Your update about that is very sad and I would imagine he needs some therapy of some sort. I wonder why he feels so beholden to her given she's been a shit mother?

OP if it were me, I'd take the house and run. I can only see this becoming more difficult as time goes on, particularly when mummy has the competition of a baby to deal with. You don't need that shit....

ouryve · 14/12/2015 13:44

That sounds like an awful lot of co-dependency to unravel. He resents her, not without sound reason, yet is still at her beck and call.

If he's not willing to unravel himself from her, then its a relationship I wouldn't want a child of my own entangled in.

Have you asked your OH why he's constantly at the beck and call of a mother who is so toxic?

lostinmiddlemarch · 14/12/2015 13:46

I don't think your DD will necessarily have a better quality of life in a 3 bed house, if it means losing her close relatives and your social circle. I wouldn't appreciate someone telling me that I had to move 90 minutes away because the house was worth more. It is actually a huge thing to do and 90 minutes is a long way really - not near enough to keep up any links apart from the odd visit. I grew up with grandparents 90 minutes away so I know.

I agree that the balance of your relationship (with your DP and his mum) is all wrong, but you're being pretty controlling too TBH. Plenty of people will be bringing up their children in your area and doing right by them. Where you live isn't everything. Bringing an in-law into a family business is often dodgy because it can feel (for them) like they're being consumed lock, stock and barrel, even if it doesn't feel anything like that for you. Keeping his own family connections and home town may be important to him for all sorts of reasons. Put simply, he shouldn't have to move just because you want to.

Pure speculation, but it might be that deep down he doesn't want to live in his FIL's house and feels like he'd have no identity apart from you all if he was living in that space in the middle of nowhere (it will feel like nowhere because he doesn't know the area). This is contrast to what he was probably imagining having a child would be like with his mum being involved a bit.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 14/12/2015 13:48

Move. movemovemovemovemove. You are being offered an opportunity that many your age would kill for.

Your OH (& his mother) are only going to get more entwined in each others' lives. You're going to end up being a 'single mother' inasmuch as your OH will be prioritizing his mother over you and your child so you'll be doing the major work of couple- and parenthood without him anyway. You may as well 'decrease your workload' by NOT having him around to be taken care of! Not to mention that he'll expect you to jump whenever she wants to see DC and to do everything 'Mum's way'.

Ughnotagain · 14/12/2015 13:49

Christ almighty, she's 50?! My mum is older than that and she'd laugh me out the door if I tried to do things for her. 50 isn't even old!

I think you should move. Free 3-bed house, so you'll be financially better off, vs staying in a tiny flat? He must be mad.

MistressDeeCee · 14/12/2015 13:49

Tbh, Id go. A house in a nice area? That would sway me, chance for a nice home and surroundings for DC

But - could your DP be feeing resentful that everything is so focused around your dad? ie you both work in YOUR dad's business..so your incomes are because of him. The new family home for you both is provided by YOUR dad. It just seems an imbalance. Perhaps your DP feels he has nothing? Its just a suggestion, male pride can be a funny thing but then again if this is the case he really should speak up, the 2 of you talk out the issues together.

It sounds as if he is scapegoating his mum, to me. Yes he may do tasks for her and she's grateful, but Im not so sure she's tying him to the apron strings and insisting he stays nearby, at all. If you don't speak to his mum much its pretty easy for him to perpetuate that this is what she's doing.

You have a lot to sort out plus a baby on the way. Get this sorted sooner rather than later. If moving 90 minutes away is a big deal for him then you certainly have issues...Im that distance from my mum & siblings and still see them when I need to, plus they visit. Its not as if your MIL isn't mobile, so get to the bottom of this as soon as you can

After all that...I'd still move into the house tho!

wafflerinchief · 14/12/2015 13:50

oh please move on your own if you have to - it's ridiculous to even suggest you'd not take this offer. You should put it in your name until you get married at the very least. The mum is 50, she ought to be ashamed of herself and be begging her son to move, I would be, I'd be appalled if they felt they had to pass up an opportunity like that for me.

shutupandshop · 14/12/2015 13:53

You are having a baby with a little mummys boyShock

Badders123 · 14/12/2015 13:54

She only 7 years older than me, ffs!
Go.
GO

kaitlinktm · 14/12/2015 14:00

Squinkies is right

Plan on moving to your Dads house without him OP. I'd go before baby is born, or he may use the child to stop you going anywhere

If his mum is only 50 now you could have another 30-40 years of this.

Move to the house you like, keep working from home in the family business and let him make his own mind up.

Pollyputthekettleon45 · 14/12/2015 14:01

Run.

Garlick · 14/12/2015 14:02

He gave me the threat that if I want to move he will leave us and live with his mum.

WHAT???!! Shock

It must be really painful to have it made so clear that he prioritises his mother over you and your baby. But this is what he's done.

You're very lucky to have such attractive alternative options. I'd go for them if I were you.

If you have a partner in life, you want that partner to consider you essential, valuable, and to actively enhance your life. Your dad's actually doing a far better job of this for you.

FWIW, XH1 gave me this ultimatum. I called it and we moved away together. My mistake was not realising that he'd already shown me how much he really thought of me. I should have listened more carefully.

wafflerinchief · 14/12/2015 14:04

i'd also go before the baby was born. They will just try more cheap emotional manipulation once the baby's there. A bloke that doesn't put his baby first in this obvious and clear-cut case isn't likely to change much.

timelytess · 14/12/2015 14:06

Take yourself and the baby and to heck with the rest of the world. This is a wonderful offer and a wonderful opportunity to have your baby grow up somewhere nice.

scarlets · 14/12/2015 14:10

Find out what your dad is doing about the legal ownership of the house, then seek your own advice from a solicitor about this as well as the partnership. If you're going to leave him, you need to know where you stand.

I wouldn't allow my child ever to be alone with that woman, by the way. She's a psycho.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/12/2015 14:13

Move. Split up. He's not ready or willing to be a father or husband.

You sound great and deserve much better Thanks

Saukko · 14/12/2015 14:16

Commute times and house-move faff are nothing compared to what this scenario has revealed to you about this man. Aren't you lucky you found out now? He's vile enough to refer to her in that way, yet weak enough to run around after her and too afraid too grow up.

averylongtimeago · 14/12/2015 14:25

I am mid 50s - and would say your MiL is bvvvu. At her age she should be the one offering to help you out - as my DM and MiL did for me as a new mum, practical household stuff and child care help.
To be mortgage free with a 3 bed house in a good area at your age? Most people would kill for that opportunity! Go for it - your DP sounds stupid, and your MiL worse.
She's not an elderly woman needing care, just a selfish younger one. She won't get any better either, if you let her she will be ruling your life for the next 30 years.

FairyFluffbum · 14/12/2015 14:26

Go.

He might come to his senses. He might not. Your daughter deserves better

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