OH won't 'leave' his mother

[gretanonie]

My dad has just got married and moved into his wife's house. He owns a lovely 3 bedroom country house 1 hour and a half away from where OH and I currently live in a cramped 1 bed rented flat. My dad has offered me his house as he doesn't really need to money from selling it and would have wanted leave it to me in his will anyway. Also I am 8 months pregnant so he wants to give my own family a good life (he was never really there for me when I was growing up).

I have been discussing this as an option with OH to move there when baby is 6 months old or so but he refuses. I could sell the house and get one here but it really isn't a nice area, I want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't want to be stuck in the same shitty town all my life either. He doesn't want to move because he wants to look after his mum. She is 50 and is in perfectly good health but he is her little errand boy which is quite frustrating but I just leave him to it.

I have said that I will move (and leave my mum, Nan and friends behind) because I'm putting my child first and he said he will have to move back in with his mum then. We currently live 2 minutes away from her. An hour and a half really isn't that far away. I am concerned that he doesn't yet realise what being a parent will be like. I have raised the point that if he is so concerned about his mum then she should be in assisted living or move to be with her family but he just laughed and said that's stupid. You simply can't raise your child, run around after your mum everyday(without good reason), work full time and keep your relationship alive. He is at hers now posting things for her and walking her dogs. MIL is perfectly able to do those things and works 10 hours a week so has the time. She has plenty of friends and SIL lives 10 minutes away but is a full time step mother so obviously puts them first. She might even find a partner soon.

AIBU to think he's being precious, a tad ridiculous and should put his child's future first? He's acting like I want to move to Australia and he'll never see her again

Oh and by the way, we moved in ours 20s with two babys to a house 90 mins drive from both sets of parents - we still saw them, were near enough to help if needed, not a problem.

I agree with myrtle.

What I understand from your posts, op, is that you are looking at a situation where, if you move to your father's house, you will have no housing costs over the duration.

This would be a saving of at least £6000 a year (or whatever annual rent you pay, but I've gone for the base minimum here for private rentals ). Over three years, with this minimum, you are looking at a saving of £18000 - - that's a year's take home pay for something on a slightly higher than average salary.

This is substantial money. It's a situation most people dream about. It would give you a level of financial freedom that would significantly expand the possibilities open to your and your child.

For your dp to turn away from this suggests he's just not in tune with reality, nor does he think in the medium to long term about the financial stability and security of either himself or his soon to be family.

In many respects, it would be valid to argue that, in light of this housing offer, his demand to live close to his mother now incurs a cost of £6000+ a year.

I am going to say something very generalised here, but, in my experience, I've found that a lot of men don't really understand that life stages require change: in environment, in relationships, in values, in perspectives. I know so many men who seemed to get psychologically stuck somewhere in their twenties and just stayed there, despite the circumstances of their lives changing dramatically over the ensuing years (with partners, children etc).

I suspect, op, that you may have a problem with this with your dp. It seems clear that his relationship with his mother has not evolved over his twenties, and even in the face of impending fatherhood, there are no signs of change.

Was he like this before your child was conceived and if so, did you consider that in deciding to have a child with him? Complaining about it after you have irrevocably tied yourself to him in this way seems a bit late in the game.

Was he fully on board with planning to have a child? You say you are not sure he understands what parenting entails - was this discussed? What age is this man?

If I were you I would take up your dad's offer and move to that house with or without your child's father. It doesn't sound as though he'd be much use to have around, anyway.

Oh OP, you're in a really difficult position - you have my sympathy. As others have said your problem is much bigger than a house. Can you sit down with DP and have a calm discussion about how much time his mother is taking up and her expectations of him? And how this isn't typical and that when the baby comes he won't be able to continue like this?

Is couples' counselling an option? I think someone needs to help him see this isn't normal or acceptable. It sounds like moving further away would be ideal, quite frankly, and given she's in good health and has time on her hands there's absolutely no good reason to stay.

He doesn't sound like a "mummy's boy" to me. A "mummy's boy" hate that term is usually a man infantilised by his mother.

What you are describing OP is the opposite - he sounds like a son trained to take the place of a husband. Google "spousification" and see if it rings any bells.

Also I agree with the others, do NOT do anything that would give this mother's boy a claim on the property. Seek legal advice before there is any transfer of ownership and/or before you are married (which I strongly advise against doing, anyway.)

Men like this do not change, OP. What you see now is what you get for life. And his mom could well go on for another 30 or 40 years, needing more and more of him as the decades roll by.

For goodness sake, don't marry him! You'd be marrying his mother.

... and what will he be teaching/encouraging your DD to call you, OP?

And yes; as a PP said, moving after your DD is born will be a "no no", too as you'll be depriving his mother of her grandchild, your DD of a grandmother's love, his right to have a close-knit family, blah, blah, blah.

Don't waste the opportunity to make a better life for your DD. Your DP's an adult - let him make his own choice, as to whether or not he stays or moves away with you (for goodness sake, it's not like you're suggesting moving to the other side of the world, is it?) and then hold him to it. One way, or the other.

I think his mum is an excuse, and TBH, if I were your OH, there's no way I'd move either.

Your dad, as far as I can tell, isn't giving you a house (unless I've missed the bit where you say he's signing ownership of the house over to you), he's allowing you both to live in his house.

You both work in his business.

Where does this leave your OH in the event that you split?

In fact, the more I think about it, op, the more I think it would be crazy not to move to the house.

If you live in your dad's house just until your child is 18 and leaves school, you'd be looking at savings on housing costs of probably over £100,000. If you carry on working during this time, you are looking at being in your mid-40s and having the kind of financial nest egg that could be the difference between being able to make a significant career change or being stuck in a job you have done for too long, or, into the future, having a very comfortable retirement as opposed to a slightly financially fraught one.

To be honest, I'd move with or without him. Without him, I'd use some of the money saved in rental payments to buy in help for the first year or so. Over the long run, moving to your dad's house is a no brainer.

I'd also go If he'd rather move back in with his mother than come with you at eight months pregnant then you know all you really need to know.

Totally agree if you decide to go it needs to be before the baby is born. Once that happens he will have control over your choices. Enmeshed mothers can also sometimes see their son's child as an extension of the son belonging to them.

You should say that you are willing to compromise and you want to move to a decent area. He either comes or he doesn't. A half an hour drive isn't far at all they can still live up each other's arses. It's not necessary for him to live 5 minutes down the road, he sounds like a child.

Personally I think he's mad to pass up on a free house.

An hour and a half away is quite a distance IMHO. This should have all been discussed beforehand. Your OP isn't quite accurate. He doesn't want to live as far away from his mother as he has a sense of responsiblity and wants to help her. I think some compromise is in order. Moving somewhere say around half an hour's drive away would seem quite reasonable to me.

I assumed she was an old lady but I see she is 50. I agree there must be other problems in the relationship if you are prepared to split up because of this. You are both far too much in your parents pockets. Don't mean to make this sound harsh but that's causing the problems.

Could you sell and buy somewhere halfway? A compromise?

In fact, having re-read your OP, seems to me you're as much tied to your dad as he is to his mum.

Your dad was not there for you growing up but now that he's buying your affection with jobs and a house you're ready to up sticks, and leave your mum and family and friends behind?

This all sounds like it's been decided, by you and your dad, on a whim, rather than thought through and discussed properly.

OP, I am 50. It is pathetic that OH is using his mother as an excuse as to why he won't commit and move into a free house.

He seems to have it made - being a partner in your fathers business. I would knock that on the head and move away with your child. If you stay or sell the house and move near his mother, it's never going to work anyway if he is still tied to her apron strings.

If you resent the situation and I would now, then just wait until you have the baby and need additional support. He will still put her first and you know it.

Their relationship does appear to be dysfunctional. I would up and leave to be honest.

You should leave this man, whether or not you have a nice house to move to.

He has mummy issues a mile wide. His mother comes first for him, before you and before your child to be. This does not make him an acceptable partner or father.

(His mummy issues are a deep deep wound. Hanging on to her in order to "fix" this wound is more essential to him than any other focus in his life. Including you, and including your future child. This kind of deep emotional stuff goes far beyond logic and reason. He will not listen to you or change until he's ready to do it himself, if he ever is. And even then he will need years of psychotherapy. Don't hold your breath.)

i don't agree the mum-DP and dad-OP relationships are symmetric - you've got a dad trying to up his daughter's living standards (and his gc), and a MIL that wants them to stay in a 1-bed flat because it's convenient for her. The OH could get a job elsewhere if that was the root of the real problem.

Blimey. DP is 50. I am 49. We don't expect the DC to run around us. We were glad the DSSs moved away for university.

Good grief. I'm 52, I've seen my daughter once since August as she is at college 400 miles away And woirks weekends too. I've seen my son twice in that time. I could not bear to be so dependent. Even my parents (83 and 79) are 2.5 hours away and still very independent.
You won't change him.

My dm told me when I had my ds that although she loved me very much and we were always family, to think of me, dh and ds as our own little family unit and to put our needs first. Your dp needs to start this.

As a side note my dm is generally demanding and difficult herself! But, after I had ds she had a (brief) moment of clarity where she understood my newborn needed me much much more.

Get the house. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity. Please don't let your dp hold you back- you sound like someone ready to seize the day and take a couple of risks. He sounds like he wants to while away his hours as a dogsbody.

Oh and btw- calling his mum a bitch?! If she is then why do anything for her?! He sounds bizarrely misogynistic... does he do these things just so he can't complain abouther? He is using his mother as an excuse for his own lack of dynamism.

If I were you, I'd be thankful she isn't your MIL. If you marry your boyfriend I think she may well become the MIL from hell.

That is a seriously disfunctional relationship he has with his mum, hating her and prioritising her over you at the same time. I can understand not wanting to move out of the area where all your friends and family are and with a baby coming, there is a lot to be said for being surrounded by friends and family, but that is not the reason he is giving, in fact, he also hates the area.

Whatever you decide to do about the house, do not marry him unless he takes a lot of therapy and you can see the improvement.

I'm 52 years old with a 10 year old dd. I work 4 days a week.

The though of my 22year old ds running round after me is hilarious. 😅

Crikey, I'm 50 next year and work full time but I don't feel the need to have someone running around after me.

He is clearly a dreadful mummy's boy and he has told you he will always put her first.

Grab this opportunity with both hands and leave him behind if he won't see sense. He won't change.