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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH won't 'leave' his mother

156 replies

gretanonie · 14/12/2015 12:26

My dad has just got married and moved into his wife's house. He owns a lovely 3 bedroom country house 1 hour and a half away from where OH and I currently live in a cramped 1 bed rented flat. My dad has offered me his house as he doesn't really need to money from selling it and would have wanted leave it to me in his will anyway. Also I am 8 months pregnant so he wants to give my own family a good life (he was never really there for me when I was growing up).

I have been discussing this as an option with OH to move there when baby is 6 months old or so but he refuses. I could sell the house and get one here but it really isn't a nice area, I want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't want to be stuck in the same shitty town all my life either. He doesn't want to move because he wants to look after his mum. She is 50 and is in perfectly good health but he is her little errand boy which is quite frustrating but I just leave him to it.

I have said that I will move (and leave my mum, Nan and friends behind) because I'm putting my child first and he said he will have to move back in with his mum then. We currently live 2 minutes away from her. An hour and a half really isn't that far away. I am concerned that he doesn't yet realise what being a parent will be like. I have raised the point that if he is so concerned about his mum then she should be in assisted living or move to be with her family but he just laughed and said that's stupid. You simply can't raise your child, run around after your mum everyday(without good reason), work full time and keep your relationship alive. He is at hers now posting things for her and walking her dogs. MIL is perfectly able to do those things and works 10 hours a week so has the time. She has plenty of friends and SIL lives 10 minutes away but is a full time step mother so obviously puts them first. She might even find a partner soon.

AIBU to think he's being precious, a tad ridiculous and should put his child's future first? He's acting like I want to move to Australia and he'll never see her againAngry

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 14/12/2015 13:02

I'd be advising to move somewhere in the middle selling your df's house but his petulant manipulative behaviour is ringing alarm bells. If he's not usually like that then you need to sit him down and take away the 'threat' of leaving and see if he does the same. If you say you don't want to stay where you are but want to move somewhere a bit further away and nicer does his stance change? If bit then he's made the choice for you. I wouldn't rush to move into your df's house because it's not going to be nice to shuttle your dd back and forth 3 hours in a weekend. I'd look to move to your compromise place come what may.

He doesn't sound like a good potential dh. But u don't like to rush to say LTB.

wallywobbles · 14/12/2015 13:02

My feeling is you would regret it for ever if you don't take up this opportunity. And that regret would breed resentment and kill your relationship anyway.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2015 13:02

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would be actually preparing for life as a single parent.

I presume you have only stayed with this man out of some forlorn hope he would change when he becomes a parent or even before then. Wrong on all counts there.

He is totally enmeshed with his mother and he is very much a mummys boy; such men do not change. You and your child will always be second to his beloved mother who has not and will not let him go.

DinosaursRoar · 14/12/2015 13:03

You know full well if he teaches his DC to call his mother that, when they call granny that to her face, he'll say it's what you call her, don't you?

Quick question, will your dad put the house in your name completely, or will it stay in his name? Will he view it as yours or is he likely to still view it as his? I would say don't move in unless your Dad has put the house in your name first. I can see if it's staying in your dad's name, your DP might feel a little uncomfortable in living in a house that belongs to his FIL, working for his FIL, having everything for his security being dependent on the gift of his FIL...

From here it does seem like you are accusing him of being very dependent on his mother, whereas your income and now home will be from your Dad.

If your dad will put the house in your name, I think I would move, although not if it's staying in his name. And I would be careful about moving away from your mum, MIL and friendship network so easily, are you going to be able to pay for childcare easily? Who will help out if say you need to work and your DC is too sick to go to nursery? Don't underestimate the importance of good support in the early years. You can cope fine without it, but it's harder than with helpful people around you.

PrimalLass · 14/12/2015 13:05

I would just go right now.

CheerfulYank · 14/12/2015 13:06

He's mad. Take the house.

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 13:06

evil mean bitch woman

How horrible! If this is what he thinks of her why on earth is there an issue about moving? There must be something you're not telling us OP or you dont know because it doesn't make sense.

5Foot5 · 14/12/2015 13:07

He's 29 and I'm 27, I do feel he can be immature about certain things

That's the understatement of the year! Why on earth have you spent 7 years and embarked on parenthood with such a massive mummy's boy?

I am several years older than his Mum, work full time and am perfectly capable of running all my own errands! My DD is away at Uni and, whilst I miss her, I wouldn't dream of tying her to me like that.

Does he really think normal 50 year old women are so needy that they need their adult children to run after them?

oldgrandmama · 14/12/2015 13:09

Bloody hell! I'm 74 years old and I'm arthritic and wheezy but I'd never DREAM of expecting my kids to run around after me. I'm pretty independent and proud of it. Your OH's mum is only 50? Fit and well? Yet your OH calls her horrible names - and intends to teach your child, when its born, to call her the same?

I'd run, if I were you. Take the lovely house and tell OH he can choose between running round like a little slave around mummy, or joining you. Frankly, I reckon you'd be better off without him because I reckon he won't change.

Fizrim · 14/12/2015 13:09

So you want him to move away from his mother so you can work more closely with your father?

DeoGratias · 14/12/2015 13:09

You are going to be rich owning the house so do not ever marry him otherwise he can claim half the house. So your father should make a gift of the house to you, If the survives 7 years you will not have to pay inheritance tax of 40% of its value when he dies. This also protects it from your father's new wife or girl friend.

Could you bring your partner's mother to live with you all in the house? That would surely solve all the issues.

Do not move unless your father puts the house into your name now and makes an absolute gift of it. Also don't move your partner into it without his signing a cohabitation agreement seen by a solicitor.

Original poster
gretanonie · 14/12/2015 13:11

I'll give you some backstory to why he probably calls her that;

She had an affair away from FIL when OH was 5 and his sister was 7. She left him a note one day whilst he was at work and picked the kids up from school with the new man and moved 5 hours north. He resents her for that and blames that on why he never had a relationship with his father (sadly dead now). He wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral because his mum wouldn't take him. Her new fella left a couple of years ago. She also used to be a prescription drug addict and got angry a lot at him and his sister when she hadn't got anything left. She once shut his hand in a car door when he was 11. I have given her a wide birth but am nice and civil with her when I do see her

OP posts:
TeddTess · 14/12/2015 13:12

maybe he feels too dependent on your dad?

  • you both work in his business?
  • now you're suggesting you live in his house?

i'm not saying it's a bad thing, lucky you in fact, but could it be your OH is feeling insecure?

Seeyounearertime · 14/12/2015 13:13

She sounds like the type of 'Gramdma' you'd want 90minutes away from your kids tbh. Confused

goodnightdarthvader1 · 14/12/2015 13:14

Backstory irrelevant. You don't run around doing everything for someone, say you can't live more than 5 mins from them, then call them that behind their back. As a PP said, I'd dread to think what he says about you when you're not around. The man is dysfunctional.

Dipankrispaneven · 14/12/2015 13:15

So why does he feel this massive sense of obligation towards a woman who treated him like that? And isn't he concerned that his child may follow in his shoes and not have a relationship with his/her father if he carries on like this?

OhYeahMama · 14/12/2015 13:17

A grown man with a child on the way won't move out of a one bed flat to live in a house because he wants to stay and be near his mum.

Jesus wept.

Just let him get on with his life and take all legal precautions to protect what is yours.

OhYeahMama · 14/12/2015 13:19

Just read the update. He needs some therapy, before he becomes a father.

SquinkiesRule · 14/12/2015 13:20

Plan on moving to your Dads house without him OP. I'd go before baby is born, or he may use the child to stop you going anywhere.
His Mum doesn't sound like someone who would give a dam that she was stopping him going anywhere. Have you spoken to her about it?
She sounds like a prize. Maybe once you have moved, he'll realize he should have moved with you and will cut the apron strings himself.
I'm his Mums age, I would encourage my boys to move and make a good life in a nice house, even if it meant I had to drive an hour, or catch a train to see the baby.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/12/2015 13:23

I'd rather drive an hour or so to see my children and grandchildren, than be the reason for keeping them somewhere they didnt want to be.

If my DD gets older and wants to move to Australia. I'd probably join her eventually.

overwhelmed34 · 14/12/2015 13:25

Are you engaged to Howard Wolowitz?

But seriously, the fact that he'd choose his mother in an area he hates over the chance of a fantastic new start with you says a lot. However it's a big deal to decide to he a single parent. Is there any middle ground? Sell the house but only move 30mins away if the area is nicer? Counselling?

I definitely wouldn't stay where you are in these circumstances. Your resentment of him and he mother will destroy the relationship. How frustrating for you though. We're you expecting him to be thrilled with the news?

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 13:25

Reading your updayte OP, and without being accused of being an armchair therapist I would hazard a guess that there are "issues" in their relationship that dont sound too healthy.

Corygal · 14/12/2015 13:32

That's the worst mummy's boy tale I've ever read on here. A woman of 50 is barely middle-aged, let alone dependent. And she only works 1.5 days a week.

OP, either he's trying to slip away from you or there's something else going on. Either way, do not marry him as he'll get half your new house.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 14/12/2015 13:32

I don't know. It may be a nice house but you're thinking of giving up your child's father and all your local family and friends (and the support that comes with them) to live in it? Is it really worth being a single parent over?

Sell it and buy somewhere nearer is surely the compromise.

OH's relationship with his mother is another issue.

YellowTulips · 14/12/2015 13:32

I think you have to be prepared to move with or without him.

You are doing the right thing and putting your child first - as he should be doing also.

This is such a no brainier it's a huge red flag that we won't move away from a mother he clearly resents - there is some heavy duty fucked up shit going on there - and personally I'd refuse to dance either to his tune or his mothers.

You might find if you move he actually comes to his senses....if not then that's sad but better than putting your life on hold until
he sees the light or his mother dies....