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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

303 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:03

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 15:01

PollyPutTheKettleOn - that's why Christmas at my mums is so good! Two childless godparents, one childless sibling, aunts an uncles and three grandparents (including my nan).... By the law of averages you get a break eventually Wink

OP posts:
Floisme · 14/12/2015 15:02

I would put money on the op's husband having offered the lift because he knows his own parents barely get a look in over Christmas, except on the op's terms. And he also knows it's really a bit shitty.

FuckingCrumbs · 14/12/2015 15:03

OP did say the PIL don't really do much on Christmas day, no dinner etc and just tv and a tin of roses.. Not really surprised that they prefer to be around fun filled Christmasness with their family and friends.
She also said her DH prefers it so I think she is getting quite a lot of harsh comments.

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 15:03

I would put money on the op's husband having offered the lift because he knows his own parents barely get a look in over Christmas, except on the op's terms. And he also knows it's really a bit shitty

Funnily enough that had crossed my mind to.

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 15:05

Not really surprised that they prefer to be around fun filled Christmasness with their family and friends

No, I dont think it is but funnily enough OPs ILs are family to, even if they are less fun to be around....

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 15:06

Floisme - I don't know I've you've read all my posts, or are being deliberately obtuse, but my DH loves Christmas at my parents house. As I've already said, he even chose to come as a friend of my brothers two years running before we even got together... I even remember saying to him that I hope our DD's come to us when they have families of their own, and he said 'if you make it like your mums Christmas, they definitely will!'

I'm not worried that he's being coerced into coming. It's where he wants to be.

OP posts:
Hatethis22 · 14/12/2015 15:09

Have people missed the bit where the OP said they always go to the ILs 'for a few hours' on Christmas Day?

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 15:10

I'm not worried that he's being coerced into coming. It's where he wants to be

Im not sure anyone is actually saying that, Im certainly not, I believe you when you say he wants to be at your parents and "loves it". But every single Christmas Day? Thats what I think he may feel guilty about, the fact he prefers time at your parents and he doesn't see his own (and therefore by consequence your children dont) on Christmas Day.

Floisme · 14/12/2015 15:10

Yes I have read your posts. I may be obtuse but not deliberately so.

He may well prefer it at your parents'. But if he's a decent kind of man he'll also be very aware that he sidelines his own parents every year in favour of fun. And he may well feel a bit shitty about it.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 15:12

Up until this year we did, after morning presents, straight there, and back to my mums for 1.30 / 1.45. BIL & SIL would go too but they've moved abroad, and just had a baby this week actually, so aren't coming. So MIL offered to work... Hence us going to them for Boxing Day instead.

OP posts:
FuckingCrumbs · 14/12/2015 15:12

Yes but when you have young children you want them to have fun on the special day. This Christmas arrangement sounds like it a big get together with not only Grandparents, but cousins, friends, godparents where everyone is having fun.

FantasticRik · 14/12/2015 15:12

The Trust where I work also offer a taxi service for all staff who are unable to get to work.

In the grand scheme of things, you're spending the best part of 3 days with your family. I don't think your MIL IBU asking her son for a lift to work. It might throw your timings off a bit but it's a Kind thing to do, she is his mum after all. Regardless of him preferring Christmas with your family.

Just a thought - if he took the DC with him, you could stay at home and have a leisurely hour or so getting ready.

FantasticRik · 14/12/2015 15:13

Are you spending the whole of boxing day at your PIL?

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 15:13

No Hate, havent missed that bit, but a few token hours is not what I call spending a proper Christmas Day with family, whilst it it probably pretty obvious they cant wait to rush off for their "fun" Christmas Day. I should have added the word properly in on my last post. And Im not criticising the OP for that, thats from their own son.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2015 15:13

I think I would buy my MIL two taxi-rides for her Christmas present this year.

mintoil · 14/12/2015 15:17

Yes - gift her the taxi rides for Christmas - job done Grin

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 15:19

I've already bought her a very naice bag Wink

We'll go mid morning (as the children won't be up so early) have presents etc, and probably stay until 7ish.. Then we'll go back to my parents because our friends will be there and they have a cot my DD2 can sleep in upstairs.

OP posts:
Hatethis22 · 14/12/2015 15:19

A 'token few hours' is more than most grandparents get on Christmas Day. For people who don't even have Christmas Dinner - so no MIL being stuck in the kitchen or distraction of eating - it seems like plenty.

Headmelt · 14/12/2015 15:20

😁 iPaid, no, not a Kardashian, it is a reference used on mn. The op's Christmas reminded me of another mner who's ils spend every holiday together because they are a "very very close family". I thought the op might be another family member.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 15:20

Laguna - maybe PIL like the few hours? My DD2 is very challenging and has extra needs... When we leave I assume they get the peace and quiet Christmas they want? They have a completely open plan downstairs and it's very full on when she's there.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 15:31

A 'token few hours' is more than most grandparents get on Christmas Day

How do you know this? Its certainly not what the other GPs get is it?

MaryPoppins, maybe it is, maybe they do like the peace and quiet, I dont know. Again I think this might be about your DHs feelings about it all thats all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/12/2015 15:32

Why are some people so insistent that the OP's DH must be subjugating his feelings to her overarching orders?! She's said that he chose to come to her parents' family Christmas before they were even together, when he was only her DB's best friend - can you not see that it has NOTHING to do with the OP's feelings and is entirely her DH's choice?

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 15:37

Thumbwitch I dont think you understand my posts at all if you are referring to me, and if you arent then I apologise.

can you not see that it has NOTHING to do with the OP's feelings and is entirely her DH's choice - yes I agree with this entirely. So you have a man who prefers spending time at his wifes parents rather than his own. If hes a normal decent guy he might just feel a bit bad about this.

Floisme · 14/12/2015 15:38

If I am one of those people then I have already said I agree it's the DH's choice too.

However I am also wondering whether he feels guilty about it. Because basically his own parents are very much lower down the pecking order every Christmas and if he has any sense of decency and fairness then he must know this.

Hence agreeing to - or possibly even offering - this lift.

Floisme · 14/12/2015 15:40

Basically I agree with Laguna but she's quicker and more concise than me Grin