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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that you cannot work full time and support your children's education?

463 replies

IslandGirlie · 13/12/2015 23:25

I've tried to juggle FT work and 2 DCs, they are in Reception & Y1 and failing miserably!
This month I've missed a few school request/ preps for events & kids are having to rush to get things ready for said events. Teachers sending notes to remind things..
I feel like I'm not supporting them in their school work / not spending quality time with them.
Is it possible to be on top this and work full time? School sends at lest 1 email a day! Most days it's two!! There's is always a leaflet in the bag..
DH works full time too and he is helpful as much as he can do. I can't stop wondering that it's not possible to work FT and support children.
How do you do it?

OP posts:
BoboChic · 17/12/2015 07:57

Mistigri - you are overly optimistic about the organisational capacity of schools. Most schools lack for both funds and management skills.

motherinferior · 17/12/2015 08:06

I think my kids are quite proud of my career but then they are comprehensively educated oiks who make their own cakes.

BoboChic · 17/12/2015 08:11

Children need to have parents who are supportive and proud of them. I have no words to describe parents who create a situation where their DC must be proud and supportive of their parents.

Mistigri · 17/12/2015 08:11

bobochic I think a one or two week advance warning of a party or dress-up day is not beyond the organisational capacity of any school, anywhere. And if it is really is beyond their organisational or financial wherewithal, I'm not sure they have any business looking after small children tbh :-/

I don't think anyone on this thread is asking for miracles - it would be lovely to have a website like the one a PP described a few replies up, but that's not realistic. On the other hand, treating parents with respect, and understanding that they have many priorities to juggle, is an absolute basic requirement in my book.

ssd · 17/12/2015 08:13

I don't have a career anymore and I'm always around for my kids

I know they are happy with this, they are great kids who appreciate having a mum at home before and after school.

If I had worked full time since they were babies they'd be used to that too.

I can't see how parents who work full time can fully support their kids education, but I guess they do it as best they can and as its what the family knows it works for them.

BoboChic · 17/12/2015 08:15

Mistigri - I would agree that many schools lack the proper skills and resources to take proper care of DC. While improvements may well be possible, parents suddenly stopping the plugging of gaps isn't the answer.

Mistigri · 17/12/2015 08:21

bobo are you suggesting that competent adults, who are considered capable of taking responsibility for 30+ young children, are incapable of planning a week in advance?!

I think that's insulting to teachers tbh.

Plugging gaps means the gaps never get properly filled. Almost everything that parents have said they want on this thread (advance notice of events, no "homework for parents", an understanding that parents may have busy lives with conflicting priorities) can be achieved at zero cost and with little in the way of organisational competence.

motherinferior · 17/12/2015 08:23

Er...I am terrifically proud of my kids. I think they're amazing. I also know they're quite proud of being able to say "my mum wrote that" or "my mum ran that press office" at school (I only know this because DD1 says she ends up saying it a fair bit in Citizenship classes). That is one of the flip positive sides of working and your kids' education.

motherinferior · 17/12/2015 08:24

And what Mistigri said. Most schools - certainly the unglamorous state ones my children attend - are quite competent at admin.

BoboChic · 17/12/2015 08:24

Yes, Mistigri. Looking after 30 DC week in week out, year in year out, within an institution is not the same skill as managing the relationship with families.

In France schools have a hard time planning outings etc for institutional reasons so we need to give them slack on that one.

Anotherusername1 · 17/12/2015 08:27

Parents who indulge disorganised schools that make unreasonable requests make a rod for all our backs.

They do this so that their kids don't "suffer". For example, making a costume at 3am so their kid isn't the only one in the class still in school uniform.

But annoying requests are a pain for any parent. It doesn't actually matter if you work - if you're a SAHM with 4 kids it's probably as hard as it is for me with a part-time job and one child. Probably harder in fact.

BoboChic · 17/12/2015 08:32

Indeed. Parents making a principled in the moment stand against unreasonable requests by schools only harm their DCs' education.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 17/12/2015 08:32

I am absurdly proud of my DCGrin and grateful for everything they bring to my life.

And although it's no where close to a two way street ( and shouldn't be) my DC are proud of me too. More so as they get older and comprehend the unusual nature of what I do and the success I've had.

Millionprammiles · 17/12/2015 08:38

This thread doesn't need to descend into WOHP v SAHP sniping...

I worry that schools are in danger of setting up an 'alternative curriculum' that only some children can ever hope to be good at.

If a child's parents are unable to help with homework because, say, they've had little formal education (as mine had), I'd expect the school would offer support (I know quite a few schools that very readily offer extra academic support).

Why would a school then introduce additional activities without any support and assume all children are equally supported at home? One poster said her child faced detention for not completing one of these 'projects'. That seems absurd.

Its not the 'high flyers' (as someone called them) that I'm really thinking of. They've got the funds for Amazon prime and after school nannies. (I'm not criticising, that's my usual solution).

Its those working long hours through necessity more than choice. Its those for whom English might be a second language and a second culture.
Its all starting to feel a bit parochial, a bit narrow minded for me.

Maybe schools should just make these sort of activities (genuinely and explicitly) voluntary. They're not exactly essential.

Mistigri · 17/12/2015 08:38

anotherusername as it happens, I think that SAHPs have just as much right to respect and consideration as working parents. Many are SAHPs out of necessity and are not at home in order to be available 24/7 for random requests from disorganised schools.

Mistigri · 17/12/2015 08:42

bobochic what's your evidence that having parents who are prepared to fulfil random demands from disorganised teachers has any bearing on educational outcomes?

SheGotAllDaMoves · 17/12/2015 08:42

It was actually a SAHM at my DC's prep school who really tackled them about disorganisation.

She had plenty of time on her hands to run up costumes and bake cakes but no inclination whatsoeverGrin.

motherinferior · 17/12/2015 08:48

Million, I do agree.

BoboChic · 17/12/2015 08:56

Mistigri - an awful lot of experience!

BoboChic · 17/12/2015 08:58

SheGot - my experience is that tackling school about cleaning up its organisation is a hell of a lot more work than dealing with the fallout for one's own DC. Hence SAHMs having the time and skills to do so.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 17/12/2015 09:04

A great post millionpram. It's not a SAHP/WOHP thing in the slightest, it's a parents with resources thing. Resources in every sense of the term, not just financial. The child with one or even two SAHPs who are always around but lack the ability and resources to provide the necessary support will be left behind the child with two WOHPs who employ someone to deal with these matters. It's particularly problematic given that we have no evidence this sort of thing is even beneficial anyway. Amounts to the entrenching of privilege.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 17/12/2015 09:04

bobo TBF to the school, they were very amenable. I think they just needed the nudge that this mum provided.

I suspect the teachers preferred a well piled machine too.

Everything diarised in advance. Diary available online and a paper version. No surprises.

BoboChic · 17/12/2015 09:11

SheGot - schools are often not adverse to some McKinsey Mum style free consulting, providing it is offered with charm, discretion and diplomacy :). Why wouldn't they want all that valuable free advice?

However, I must (being an unashamed archetype) take issue with the idea that all the schools require is a nudge. IME it's a huge amount of work requiring masses of research and tact. And of course, when you have achieved your goals, you don't shout from the rooftops about it - you shut up, because otherwise the school would hate you.

motherinferior · 17/12/2015 09:11

I'd want to see a good reputable study, covering a number of different schools of varying types, before I came to any conclusion about parental input and educational outcomes. It may exist. I may even look pig-headedly for it later. One parent's opinion doesn't constitute hard data.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 17/12/2015 09:16

bobo I can assure she is far from diplomaticGrin.

It was her third child and she simply refused to make another Roman toga on three days notice.

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