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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about his hair?

134 replies

doitanyways · 13/12/2015 20:36

Went away for weekend. He had promised me he'd get a haircut ready for interview on Monday (hasn't worked since April.) Just got home, no haircut. Which means no job, I could scream!!

OP posts:
firesidechat · 14/12/2015 09:53

Is there any way that you can watch from a distance? If he refuses to get help and isn't helping himself then do you really need to make yourself feel so wretched? Could he look after himself, job or no job?

Sorry for all the questions, but you sound very upset and it would be good to help in some way.

WicksEnd · 14/12/2015 09:59

Can you explain a little why you think he'll no longer be eligible for JSA in April?
I can't think of a reason other than his contribution based JSA runs out, but from the info you've posted, he'd be OK to claim income based jsa (unless he has savings?)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/12/2015 10:35

Wicks if he doesn't actively look for work he will be sanctioned. If he has already been sanctioned then it will stop.
Op he simply must apply for esa. You filling in the gaps won't help him realise this.

Original poster
doitanyways · 14/12/2015 11:14

He won't. He simply won't accept he has a disability. Trust me on this. I am at my wits end. Anyway, too much information circling.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 14/12/2015 12:04

Sorry Fireside, my post was aimed at the OP.

Arfarfanarf · 14/12/2015 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knobblyknee · 14/12/2015 12:27

You're no being unreasonable, he's getting a free ride and thats taking the piss. And no, you're not being a controlling bitch either.
This is why i ended one relationship. That was nearly 30 years ago and today he's living in Thailand pretending to be a teenager. Sending cyber hugs.

Ohbehave1 · 14/12/2015 12:38

Still can't see how no haircut = no job. I know loads of guys with long hair who work.........

19lottie82 · 14/12/2015 12:52

I fee your pain with the whole situation, but TBH you can't "force" a grown man to have a hair cut. Maybe he likes his hair?

And just because you don't like his hair won't be the sole reason why he doesn't get the job, if he is unsuccessful.

thecatsarecrazy · 14/12/2015 14:57

How did interview go op?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2015 15:34

OK you see some of us might be in the same boat, with a sibling on the spectrum.

In my experience trying to force a grown man, particularly with fixed ideas and so on, into doing something they don't want to do is frustrating and futile. It will never happen so you might as well give that one up.

However, you might have more luck trying other things. Was he statemented at school? Was there ever an actual diagnosis? Because it's possible there might be financial or other support. Social Services if he's vulnerable, carer's support, disability benefits. You could at least talk to the Adults' team at your local SS about what to do. It won't be the first time they've heard of a person with a disability not accepting it (and carer's at their wits end). Being a carer is tough. Flowers

FayKorgasm · 14/12/2015 18:29

I second MrsTP post. Contact SS. Where I live there are work placements for people with learning disabilities.

Original poster
doitanyways · 14/12/2015 19:47

He hasn't got learning disabilities. He has 3 degrees.

He would never agree in ten decades to a work placement.

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/12/2015 20:08

But if he can't pay his way otherwise does he really have a choice? Has he ever held down a job for any length of time. How did the interview go?

Original poster
doitanyways · 14/12/2015 20:10

He absolutely has a choice and he will exercise it. Re the interview, I don't really know, he says it went really well but autistic people aren't exactly famed for reading such situations accurately.

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/12/2015 20:16

I would classify autism as a SN and certainly some with it also fall within LDD. Are there any local support groups for those with similar issues? Could he get ESA rather than JSA as that might open some doors to accessing back to work support, ie. Interview skills and job search if JC aren't already offering them.

Original poster
doitanyways · 14/12/2015 20:20

But LIZS - I would as well, but that isn't the point. The point is that he doesn't see himself as having an additional need and the ranting messages I got today are proof of that. He was beyond furious at the thought of a diagnosis - the idea that he's someone who would need to attend a support group would lead to fury and rage.

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 14/12/2015 22:13

ASD is classed as a learning disability. He needs something, he cant just exist day to day.

Original poster
doitanyways · 14/12/2015 22:14

He won't accept help,though, so what can you do?

OP posts:
CassieBearRawr · 14/12/2015 22:18

Disengage. There comes a point when that's all you can do, heartbreaking as it is.

MindfulBear · 14/12/2015 22:23

OP, it is time to disengage. you cannot do this for him - worrying and looking out for him. & sadly whilst you take on the mummy hen role he doesnt have to look out for himself. You need to leave him in a situation where he has no choice but to take care......
As I said further down the thread, a counsellor really helped me work out what i needed to do for me and how i needed to interact in a similar situation. So, if you have access to counsellors through work or have to wait via the nhs or can fund one yourself, I highly recommend it. Took me more than 3 months but was totally worth the time and effort.

Original poster
doitanyways · 14/12/2015 22:27

He really, really can't.

He would end up dead within twelve months; I'm not joking.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2015 01:40

You look after him because you have to and if you didn't he wouldn't cope. But you can't cope.

I used to work at SS in the LD Team and we worked with 'vulnerable adults' as well. Vulnerable people with autism (even very high-functioning) were part of our remit. When there was harm or risk, even if the person themselves wasn't keen on us. At the very least, talk to someone on the Duty Team about options. You don't know until you ask.

If you really think 'he would end up dead within twelve months' then there is need. What if you get hit by a bus? Honestly, one of the worst things for us was when the poor, exhausted carer finally gets sick or worse and we have to step in at the most damaging and stressful time.

I'm sure you know but SS would collapse without carers so thanks for what you do.

Bellyrub1980 · 15/12/2015 02:38

Can you access advice from Rethink or similar?

Original poster
doitanyways · 15/12/2015 17:18

Well - he didn't get the job!

OP posts:
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