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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry by my dh....

109 replies

Esssss · 12/12/2015 07:44

He had his Xmas do last night and didn't come home. I got a text at some early hour saying he missed the last train and was staying with friends (a couple that I have a few issues with)

To be honest normally i wouldn't be that bothered because he needs to let off steam every now and again BUT I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, we have a 2 year old who is VERY full on. We both work so it's not like I've been off all week, we have some huge life changes happening that I've been unbelievably stressed out about (he hasn't, he's been in denial)

I'm bringing our little boy to an Xmas party today, he isn't coming as he is supposed to be doing work on the house but I know he will have spent the night drinking and doing drugs and will be in no fit state to do anything. (Only v occasionally does drugs but this would definitely be one of those occasions, I don't do drugs, never have and it kills me that our very limited money gets wasted on that)

Anyway, I know it's only one night and he works hard but I feel SO resentful that I never ever get the same opportunity, I feel like he is still able to slip back into his pre-married, pre-children life when I just don't. I'm probably being silly to be hurt but I am. :-(

Why can't he just go for some drinks with friends and then come home like the responsible adult that he should be!!????? Please do tell me to get a grip if I'm being ott.

OP posts:

katienana · 12/12/2015 07:47

Er no he's being a fucking arsehole. Seriously the drugs would be a massive deal breaker for me.

ivykaty44 · 12/12/2015 07:49

Yanbu

Thattimeofyearagain · 12/12/2015 07:49

Woa! He is acting like a cunt, YANBU.

wannabestressfree · 12/12/2015 07:52

I was married to one of those .... I am so glad I am now in a relationship with a grown up.

Enjolrass · 12/12/2015 07:53

Wtf?

He only does drugs occasionally?

He is a bastard. Sorry. Yanbu.

You have limited income and he is going out getting smashed and wasted on drug?

That's not ok. The drugs wouldn't be ok if you had loads of money.

Fairylea · 12/12/2015 07:54

What??!! Drugs- at all - would be a massive fuck no from me. Couldn't be with anyone who did them ever ever and drinking to the point of not coming home when you have a pregnant wife and a toddler is just being an arsehole. I'd be livid.

Gooseysgirl · 12/12/2015 07:54

YANBU

PavlovtheCat · 12/12/2015 08:02

35 weeks pregnant? He is out of his tree, all night? with a vague text to let you know? What if you went into labour? or needed to go to the hospital urgently for a check? He would be able to get to the hospital, having missed the last train home? If you were not pregnant, he would be behaving like a dick, but, as your are pregnant, he has behaved in an unforgivable manner. He should have been in complete control of his decision making last night, be making absolutely sure that he DID NOT miss that last train home. If you needed him (more than taking care of his partner who is carrying his child and almost at term, and helping look after a 2 year old, and not spending money on drugs) he needed to at least be in present, and in a state that meant he could sober up pretty sharpish, without being horrendously hungover/coming down from drugs. He needs to be of use to you.

He will no doubt say, 'but you didn't need to go to hospital' or whatever, but it's not the point. At this stage in your pregnancy, he cannot go getting wasted, christmas or not. Father's to be do NOT need to have 'one final blow-out' and presumably he had that before his first child was born anyway?

Once you are a parent, whatever you did before, drugs, alcohol to excess so it interferes with parenting (other than a planned overnight out drinking with friends and a planned someone where to stay, with discussion beforehand) has to stop. It's called 'growing up'.

As to what to do about it. Not sure.

DangerMouth · 12/12/2015 08:04

The drugs would also be a deal breaker for me.

Dh had his Christmas party last night. Said he'd be on the 10.30 train as he's so tired. Rolled in closer to 2am which is fine. Dd1 started calling him at 5am. He probably thinks l should have got up to her but l also have a 12 week old.

Your dh needs to learn that parenting doesn't switch off because he has a party or some other such shite.

Yanbu and I'd leave your ds with him and say as you won't be doing any diy mind your dc.

Original poster

Esssss · 12/12/2015 08:11

Wow so I guess he is being an arsehole. I know the drugs thing is a deal breaker for people. I have come to accept it as it really is only very occasionally and I am never part of it as I would be very uncomfortable with that.

It's the being able to switch off being a responsible adult that really pisses me off. If I go out (when I wasn't pregnant and would be having a few drinks) I'd always have a voice in the back of my head reminding me of what I have to do the next day with our little boy. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I never forget that I am a parent.

There is a spiteful part of me that says if I went into labour, I wouldn't even tell him (or wouldn't let him anywhere near me if he had been drinking) and he'd miss the birth and feel awful but then I wonder what sort of a marriage we have if I'm even contemplating that.

There's no sign of him yet, if his whatsapp presence is anything I go by, he was still up at 5. I think I'm just
Going to make sure I'm out of the house with my toddler and just try and enjoy our day. It's a bit shitty though....

OP posts:

Original poster

Esssss · 12/12/2015 08:13

If he had rolled in at 3/4/5 that would have been fine as at least he'd come home. I would have been a bit pissed off but i would have been making sure he wasn't getting a lie in.

OP posts:

feelingcrossagain · 12/12/2015 08:14

I am 100 per cent with Pavlovthecat. He could've been out of it on drugs and drink when you went into labour and gave birth.
What a man child.
I'd be furious in your position. Especially if you have very little money and he is blowing it on a huge waster night.

BeautifulLiar · 12/12/2015 08:16

Sorry Esssss, I know how you feel x

GloGirl · 12/12/2015 08:22

Fuck it, I'd try and log on to his Android or Apple device and do a Find Phone thing, it will ring hard and loud for 5 minutes. When he turns it off ring him for real and say

Get the fuck home.

You have the nagging responsible voice because you are responsible. You suffer consequences if you are not. I'd be fucked if I was just going to let him lay in a drunken stupor all day feeling sorry for himself. He can get up, shower and start travelling home. And when he gets home he can sit with your toddler whilst you get other stuff done around the house. (I wouldnt leave him with her entirely in case he's an irresponsible prick)

Amazemedontbeacunt · 12/12/2015 08:22

Obviously you don't have to answer but I'm interested in what kind of drugs he does 'occassionally' and how much money he spends on them.

He's a complete arsehole by the way

FannyFifer · 12/12/2015 08:23

God every weekend women write basically the same post on here about their arsehole partners.

You are 35 weeks pregnant & he has stayed out all night, drinking & taking drugs, how could anyone think that is acceptable in any way.

What are you going to do?

TheWitTank · 12/12/2015 08:24

The drugs thing is dreadful an I just couldn't deal with that. That's end of the line for me.
I personally wouldn't leave my DS with him as mentioned up thread as I couldn't trust somebody who had been pissed and off their face all night (and will still have both in his system).
Time for him to grow up and realise he is a parent with responsibilities. He is an idiot. Sorry op, I feel so strongly about drugs. Good luck with the new baby and congratulations

Enjolrass · 12/12/2015 08:29

am never part of it as I would be very uncomfortable with that.

You are part of it. He is the father of your kids. While he is getting off his tree, you are at home pregnant and looking after your child (your meaning both of you) .

He is taking money away from your children!

Does he not give a fuck if something happens to him?

What drugs is he taking? Could he overdose?

Original poster

Esssss · 12/12/2015 08:39

Oh god I'm even more upset now....I guess I had been playing it down in my head.

I have some thinking to do...things have been very very stressful recently and it was been very hard on our marriage. :-(

I'm not sure what drugs he would have done (I'm just presuming he has as that's the crowd he would have been with)

This thread is just giving me flash backs to other times this has happened.....

OP posts:

Amazemedontbeacunt · 12/12/2015 08:41

Easier said than done obviously and I'm sure most of us stayed in relationships longer than we should so no judgement but as soon as you can you should leave him and make a lovely life for you and your children

Enjolrass · 12/12/2015 08:48

I don't want to upset you more. I am sorry if I have done that.

But you are both parents of your children. What he does, does effect you. And it effects your children.

Just because you are not present, it doesn't mean it doesn't effect you.

PavlovtheCat · 12/12/2015 08:54

I am so sorry this has come as a lightbulb moment at such a crucial and vulnerable stage in your life . You say he gets to switch off, but, actually, he shouldn't get to switch off. You go out, with that voice reminding you of your responsibilities which means you have a good time without getting so wasted you cannot function potentially for days. That should apply to him too.

It's 8:48. What time do the trains start running? I would think by now right? If he has not just spun you a line to allow him more time to party he should have been on the first available train. Call him. Remind him what a fuckwit he is.

Demanding things from him is difficult I think, because if he doesn't get it himself, doesn't understand his responsibilities at this stage in your relationship and pregnancy, then I don't think he is going to get it now and will resent you demanding. Not that I think that should be a huge concern of yours, him being resentful. It's the longer term that you need to think about. What you want from him, is that possible, can you expect the changes you want to happen, to actually happen?

You probably also need to figure out what drugs he has taken. As that is likely to impact on his mood as he comes down (including when he comes home). Do you think it is cocaine? MDMA? or 'legal highs'?

Seriouslyffs · 12/12/2015 08:57

I'd send him a text saying 'in ambulance' and switch off my phone.
Disclaimer dh has never done anything like that, so I don't really know what I'd do, and there's probably be repercussions if he frantically phoned round hospitals or hared off drunk driving to get to you, so yeah, bad idea.

LindyHemming · 12/12/2015 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Esssss · 12/12/2015 09:19

I'm sitting here crying. Can't believe I'm being so weak. How did I end up with such a selfish fucking arsehole!? Time to stop feeling sorry for myself I think. Thanks for all your input.

OP posts:

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