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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry by my dh....

109 replies

Esssss · 12/12/2015 07:44

He had his Xmas do last night and didn't come home. I got a text at some early hour saying he missed the last train and was staying with friends (a couple that I have a few issues with)

To be honest normally i wouldn't be that bothered because he needs to let off steam every now and again BUT I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, we have a 2 year old who is VERY full on. We both work so it's not like I've been off all week, we have some huge life changes happening that I've been unbelievably stressed out about (he hasn't, he's been in denial)

I'm bringing our little boy to an Xmas party today, he isn't coming as he is supposed to be doing work on the house but I know he will have spent the night drinking and doing drugs and will be in no fit state to do anything. (Only v occasionally does drugs but this would definitely be one of those occasions, I don't do drugs, never have and it kills me that our very limited money gets wasted on that)

Anyway, I know it's only one night and he works hard but I feel SO resentful that I never ever get the same opportunity, I feel like he is still able to slip back into his pre-married, pre-children life when I just don't. I'm probably being silly to be hurt but I am. :-(

Why can't he just go for some drinks with friends and then come home like the responsible adult that he should be!!????? Please do tell me to get a grip if I'm being ott.

OP posts:

Saukko · 12/12/2015 15:48

Do not have babies with drug users.

I mean, alright, I'll probably get judgemental and 'no fun' and there'll bea ll the 'I'm a very sensible coke user' but if people just kept a few simple life mantras - look both ways, check the chicken's cooked through, don't have babies with drug users - it could be really quite world-changing.

AntiHop · 13/12/2015 00:25

Please don't blame yourself op. He's the only one to blame for this behaviour.

Topseyt · 13/12/2015 02:44

Drugs would be a total deal breaker for me too. I don't agree with Caspo. That is bollocks and it absolutely is a big deal.

You are a very strong woman, OP. Keep strong now, whatever you decide. Look after yourself and your children. Your arsehole of a DH sure isn't likely to.

Euripidesralph · 13/12/2015 04:11

OP firstly you aren't weak and having worked with drug users for well over 15 years it's extremely easy for them to convince you that the occasional use is ok.... often they are very believable and you end up convincing yourself so please don't beat yourself up ... you need some time to consider his behaviour and if it is a deal breaker for you

I really hope it is because you deserve better... I've just had ds2 at 35 weeks and have a ds1 who is just three.... and had DH not been there , invested and supportive every step of the way I'd have handed his ass tp him as it got kicked out the door but that's really easy for me to say sat behind a screen in my life

These behaviours creep up on you and you rationalise and justify until it seems normal.... you end up accepting things that if a friend told you they were experiencing it you would scream ay them to leave

So ultimately it needs to be you to realise he's being inconsiderate and a dick less wonder

However to all the pps who are taking the opportunity to put the boot in by waxing lyrical on the fact she has had children with a drug user.... what precisely are you attempting to achieve? Does it make you feel sanctimonious to kick a heavily pregnancy woman while she's down? What do you suppose your "helpful" comments achieve.... will she now be able to turn back time and alter her life choices? No ...? Shocker.... but it's ok because you successfully demonstrated your superiority ay the expense of a woman in distress... kudos ... If only the world had more of you

OP I hope you do leave truly or get him to get counselling or in fact whatever way resolves the situation.... but do hear th is... you are far from weak... hell you handle a toddler and are doing it whilst exhausted whilst pregnant. ... you are not weak you are a freaking iron woman... you can handle this

kungpopanda · 13/12/2015 05:12

The OP has been happy enough to have one-and-a-bit babies with this OH and hasn't said or suggested that she didn't know his habits or find his 'irresonsibility' a deal-breaker. So, it's bed-made-lie, and tear him a new one for being irresponsible and inconsiderate with the timing on this occasion. Some of the advice (like leaving the key inside the door) is a lot more irresponsible than the OH's binge night, really.

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 13/12/2015 09:21

Fantastic post by Euripidesralph

Hope you're ok OP.

Topseyt · 13/12/2015 10:22

Great post there by Euripides.

I hope the sanctimonious bitches on this thread will now either pull their heads out of their arses and offer the support needed, or at least bugger off and take their twattery perfection elsewhere.

OP is clearly unhappy and distressed about her situation and realises it isn't right. Her later updates show that she is considering trying to change it. Support is needed for that, not twats sneering at her.

mamas12 · 13/12/2015 11:44

You Poor thing to realise that your dh is not being as supportive as you thought or hoped he is
Could you sit home m down and tell how disappointed resentful and fearful you are about this and if you do would take it on board?
Mind you today I would switch my phone off go out and arrange to stay the night elsewhere and do what he did and give a vague text and go to work daycare school,as normal I. The morning and the. Just before you go home to morrow inform him you need to have a serious talk

Bluecheese22 · 13/12/2015 12:22

Hope you're doing better today OP and a night away helped you clear your head.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2015 12:31

I am so sorry for your situation , the drugs alone would be a dealbreaker for me, let alone the other man child behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2015 12:33

I don't care if drugs are once a year, someone who has tge mindset to use drugs would put me right off.

alltouchedout · 13/12/2015 12:42

Some of you are very odd- the drug alcohol is ok but other drugs are not? I'd rather my partner did the occasional line (he never has) than regularly got pissed (get doesn't). The issue should not be "omg drugs!!!!!!", it should be "selfish, irresponsible, unsupportive, unacceptable behaviour to leave heavily pregnant OP and young child overnight, unplsnbed and without OP's agreement, whilst out partying". The drugs thing is a red herring.

WicksEnd · 13/12/2015 12:50

But alcohol is licensed. You know what you are drinking (unless you e bought dodgy vodka at a fiver a bottle) but doing a 'line' could be a line of anything. You have no say over the content of it.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2015 12:51

alltouchedout tge drugs her dp does are illegal, she does not even know which ones he dies. No thank you!

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 13/12/2015 13:22

Ahhhh always makes me laugh - 2 bottles of wine a night is ok, because it's legal and middle class Still makes you a pisshead though....

FannyFifer · 13/12/2015 16:07

Hope you are ok OP.

EponasWildDaughter · 13/12/2015 16:17

Hope you are ok too Ess.

I began a thread about my DHs drinking when i was heavily pregnant (under different MN name) and got some harsh truths spelled out to me that night and the next day. It hurt and it made me cry. However it changed my mind set which consequently changed DHs way of life and improved our marriage.

whatever you decide to do/say.

reni2 · 13/12/2015 16:18

Nothing to add other than and wishing you strength confronting this difficult issue. I think quite a lot of fathers try and remain the young and carefree student boy, perhaps most crack this grown up responsible dad thing after a while, I hope yours does, too.

Original poster

Esssss · 13/12/2015 16:37

Thank you everyone, particularly those of you who have been supportive, I really do appreciate it.

He rolled home at 12:15, I was furious with him....he was hungover. I left with my son for the day as planned. He sent some pathetic sounding texts about when was I coming home. Anyway, he knows he has been an idiot and I told him I wanted to go and stay somewhere else tonight. However, for some reason this has now turned into it being about me being depressed in pregnancy (I am depressed but I'm so annoyed the focus has been taken off him)

I rang my mum for support last night, didn't tell her any details (I never would about my marriage) but just talked through how overwhelmed I was. Apparently My dad ended up ringing my husband this morning (just found that out) about "getting me help" so he's now insisting that he's staying to get me help. That we are going to sort this out.

I feel ambushed, and exhausted and so very, very anxious. He knows the drinking and drugs upset me. He has admitted he's been massively immature and irresponsible but how do I trust him that it's all not going to happen again??

We are very different people in a lot of ways. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert, he gets completely carried away by the crowd. I checked his phone messages becaus

OP posts:

Original poster

Esssss · 13/12/2015 16:39

Oops posted too early.
Because I began to get paranoid about the friend he was staying with. I don't want to be that person that checks their partners phone....that's not me....and yet I've just done it. :-( I didn't find anything anyway.

OP posts:

reni2 · 13/12/2015 16:50

I think he will have to consider himself "on call" from now on, you are 35 weeks pregnant with a toddler, if labour starts or you are feeling unwell, he will have to be in a state to care for the child with very little notice. Rolling in steaming 24h later is not going to cut it if you don't want to have a 2yo witnessing a birth.

Original poster

Esssss · 13/12/2015 16:57

You know what, to be fair to him....I don't think he really got the consequences of what could have happened until I told him.

I asked him what he would have done if something had happened and I'd gone into hospital and he just sort of said "I would have gotten a cab there" but didn't realise that a) he wouldn't have been let in by the hospital b) I wouldn't have wanted him anywhere near me.

We have had a LOT going on and I'm
not sure he was even fully aware of how close we are to the birth. I know that sounds ridiculous but I do think he knows what a dick he's been. What I'm not sure of is whether it'll all get forgotten when the next piss up comes along.....

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2015 16:58

I would be open and honest to your parents about your 'dh', do they know about his drug use, and behaviour. They think the priblem is to do with you. Errr no it's his behaviour making you like that!

RideEmCowgirl · 13/12/2015 17:03

Well firstly I would be setting my parents straight as to exactly what and who the problem is.

RideEmCowgirl · 13/12/2015 17:05

It is also likely that he would have ended up in a police cell as the hospital staff would spot that he had drugs in his system.

The consequences of that would be horrific - does his work have a drug usage policy? I know mine certainly does!

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