to be angry by my dh....

[Esssss]

He had his Xmas do last night and didn't come home. I got a text at some early hour saying he missed the last train and was staying with friends (a couple that I have a few issues with)

To be honest normally i wouldn't be that bothered because he needs to let off steam every now and again BUT I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, we have a 2 year old who is VERY full on. We both work so it's not like I've been off all week, we have some huge life changes happening that I've been unbelievably stressed out about (he hasn't, he's been in denial)

I'm bringing our little boy to an Xmas party today, he isn't coming as he is supposed to be doing work on the house but I know he will have spent the night drinking and doing drugs and will be in no fit state to do anything. (Only v occasionally does drugs but this would definitely be one of those occasions, I don't do drugs, never have and it kills me that our very limited money gets wasted on that)

Anyway, I know it's only one night and he works hard but I feel SO resentful that I never ever get the same opportunity, I feel like he is still able to slip back into his pre-married, pre-children life when I just don't. I'm probably being silly to be hurt but I am. :-(

Why can't he just go for some drinks with friends and then come home like the responsible adult that he should be!!????? Please do tell me to get a grip if I'm being ott.

Oh op I really feel for you.

Unlike some on here, I don't have an issue with people going on the occasional piss up / bender, even when they involves occasional drug use. Some people can genuinely use drugs every so often without having a drug problem, just like others can drink without having a drink problem.

However, a few other things in your post are red flags for me:

1. the timing. At 35 weeks he should be contactable and within close driving distance at all times.

2. your reluctance to share this with your folks. I feel like whenever you need to lie about something, you becoming complicit in the behavior and enable the person to never have to deal with the consequences

3. the money. Drugs are fine. Buying drugs when you have no money for them is not. Especially with baby on the way!

4. his emotional impact on you, then his manipulating the situation so that you are in the wrong.

I feel some serious thinking and honest talking to your support network is in order.

What London said.

Alcohol deaths massively outnumber drug deaths. Not many people get in a tizz about casual, infrequent, alcohol use.

OP, my DH could be a bit of a div up until his early thirties, and we had two kids by then. It's a big jump to go from a partying lifestyle to responsible parent; we both broke out occasionally, him more than me because I was on breastfeeding duties and grew up a bit quicker.

However I would say since his mid thirties, DH has been exemplary husband material, (he's early 50s now). Thank God I didn't dump him over a bit of youthful exuberance.

I do have perspective..and I'm also quite calm. You have mistaken my tone , I am somewhat saddened ..that the illegality and very real risks to health are just being minimised here.
The father, who I do see as risking his health livelihood and families security for a quick fix, is not thinking of his family when he is behaving this way. Maybe he'll get away with it this time..maybe next, but its a game of diminishing chances, and its not just his future he's playing with.

EponasWildDaughter I think you'll find OP said she didn't normally have a problem with all nighters or occasional drug use and 'wouldn't normally be that bothered' as everyone 'needs to let off steam.' It seems to have been other posters that then got hysterical about it for some reason

Obviously as she is heavily pregnant it's absolutely not on and I completely agree no-one should stay with someone that makes them unhappy. It just worries me that OP came on for some support at 35 weeks pregnant and the only logical conclusion most people have come to is that she should immediately leave him - when it's not something she even suggested!

Oh come on 655 I don't think he's shooting up heroin on his work night out. A 'game of diminishing chances' made me snort. He's been a dick. He's not risked his family's livelihood and he's no more likely to drop dead from a couple of lines of coke than he is drinking to excess which I am sure many many people do without all the over the top hysteria

'A quick fix' lolz.....

I accept that this was part of his life before he met me. He said he would never lie about when he has taken drugs and he never has. That doesn't make it ok, I know that.

What I find harder to accept is that our lives have changed enormously now we have a child (and another on the way) and yet that part of his life hasn't whereas the social side to my life is unrecognisable (and pretty much non existent at the moment). I want to feel like he is making the same sacrifices for the choices WE made.

To be honest, the people saying this is what you get when you have children with drug users... that's not particularly helpful. He's not a heroine addict, if anything the boozing is more of an issue than the drugs.

You are all right about not covering up for him with family and friends. I am fuming that my parents are now really worried about my mental health when my feckless husband is part of the problem.

Anyway, the update is that I am back home. He clearly knows he has fucked up and has stepped up in terms of looking after our son, helping in the house etc. I am sleeping in the spare room, I'm still hurt and angry but the reality is I'm probably not going to leave him. As I've mentioned before, there are lots of other things going on in our lives at the moment. It's a very very stressful time. He needs to know that things have to change and I am hoping they do. Thank you all for your input and advice. I'm very grateful I had this sounding board to get my head straight. I find it incredibly difficult to talk to people in rl about personal things so I found this really helpful.

Op, if you want to accept occasionally doing drugs. That's up to to you. It's entirely you decision as its you who has to live with the consequences.

However I don't know how anyone can accept its ok when the OP has already said that money is tight.

Regardless of whether people turn a blind eye to drugs, they can't afford it.

I am glad you are taking time to think about things.

But please kick him into the spare room (unless you prefer it in there) and stepping up and looking after his son for a few hours, doesn't mean he will continue to do so. It will take a while to see if he goes back to normal or not.

He is an adult, if he didn't realise the hospital wouldn't want a man who was off his head in the hospital, if something had of happened, then he needs to grow up.

Speak to your mum and dad, get their support. You really need it.

My OH had history of drugs before I started going out with him. I told him under no circumstances would I think about having a relationship with anyone that did them. 2 weeks later I was pregnant. I know for fact he hasn't done them in the 2 years I've been with him. He's been out 3 times in 2 years and only once was he out all night and even then he was at a mutual friends house.
He knows if he ever so much as touched a drug again Id be out of the door with the kids. You need to say this to your OH and mean it! It's called growing up and having respect for your partner. He should not be treating you like this. I wouldn't say LTB but I think he needs a talking to imo.
Hope you're alright, you don't need this shit at 35 weeks pregnant