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Original poster

to be angry by my dh....

109 replies

Esssss · 12/12/2015 07:44

He had his Xmas do last night and didn't come home. I got a text at some early hour saying he missed the last train and was staying with friends (a couple that I have a few issues with)

To be honest normally i wouldn't be that bothered because he needs to let off steam every now and again BUT I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, we have a 2 year old who is VERY full on. We both work so it's not like I've been off all week, we have some huge life changes happening that I've been unbelievably stressed out about (he hasn't, he's been in denial)

I'm bringing our little boy to an Xmas party today, he isn't coming as he is supposed to be doing work on the house but I know he will have spent the night drinking and doing drugs and will be in no fit state to do anything. (Only v occasionally does drugs but this would definitely be one of those occasions, I don't do drugs, never have and it kills me that our very limited money gets wasted on that)

Anyway, I know it's only one night and he works hard but I feel SO resentful that I never ever get the same opportunity, I feel like he is still able to slip back into his pre-married, pre-children life when I just don't. I'm probably being silly to be hurt but I am. :-(

Why can't he just go for some drinks with friends and then come home like the responsible adult that he should be!!????? Please do tell me to get a grip if I'm being ott.

OP posts:
LilaTheTiger · 12/12/2015 09:34

Before you jump straight to LTB... Which is tempting...

Have you ever told him you don't want him to behave like this and it's no longer appropriate?

If you have and he's doing it anyway, carry on with your rethink.

If not, tear him a new one, with all the reasons on here, do jot end up crying and apologising, do not accept any excuses. His behaviour is not appropriate for a husband, especially of a pregnant wife, or a father. And if he keeps it up he doesn't get to be one. If he does it again he's had fair warning that his belongings will be in bin bags on the front step and the door will be locked.

Find your anger at him behaving like a total dickhead and not a partner. And good luck Flowers

Amazemedontbeacunt · 12/12/2015 09:37

You're not being weak, it's a very difficult situation and once you're through it you'll look back and realise that you aren't weak BrewCake

Moonriver1 · 12/12/2015 09:41

Oh Esssss.

I'm kind of on the fence, but agree he is being an arsehole.

I know lots of men, my dh included, who have no off switch. No I'm not saying 'oh men they are awful aren't they!'. It is SHIT.

Finally in our late 40s this behaviour has stopped or improved greatly.

I'm not sure why I know so many men like this. I guess we are a big group of friends who have always been party people and the guys have grown up slower than the women and yes have been enabled to a point.

I don't necessarily think this is a deal breaker at this point but you do need to talk to him and make it clear it will very soon become a deal breaker.

Then only you can decide what to do, based on his response. If he's not hearing you, seeing how unfair he's being, if he's not ready to grow up...then I don't know.

PavlovtheCat · 12/12/2015 09:44

you are not weak! my goodness not, you have a 2 year old child and heavily pregnant, it is not your job to parent your partner and 'get him' to face his responsibilities, and it's not you being weak that has allowed this to happen. these decisions are his, and you, like a woman who loves her partner and has chosen to have child with him, and believes that he will, at some point, step up to the mark. That is what we expect and hope from our partners, an it's not weakness on your part that he has not done that.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 12/12/2015 09:44

So many men act like this because they are allowed to act like this, if women complain, then they're a nag. Nobody wants to be shrewish wife, right?

As Lila said, have you said this is not acceptable behaviour in the past?

Moonriver1 · 12/12/2015 09:45

And I agree with others, you are NOT weak.

You are in a very difficult situation, both in terms of a toddler and a pregnancy, and working out how to deal with a selfish man.

Moonriver1 · 12/12/2015 09:51

I am not weak - I am fierce. I had to battle my dh about his excesses and make him see how selfish it was. The problem was that he could claim, legitimately, that his partying didn't affect our life because he'd still get up, take them places, etc etc (he was SAHD for 10 years) but it did affect our life because I was resentful and I don't think it's very good role modelling either!

My dh is a fantastic man and on balance it has not been a deal breaker.

With everyone there are faults and weaknesses, you have to be brutally honest with yourself about who he is and what he brings to your life. Whether he will be able to understand how you are feeling and know that he needs to change - quick smart.

SpanglesGalloway · 12/12/2015 09:51

Oh no what a horrible situation op Flowers

I'm equally as far along as you are in pregnancy and if my dh did this...including drugs...id be gone.

As pp have said,however, have you told him not to use drugs/how you feel about it? When my dh was very young (talking 10 years ago...) and we first got together I made it clear drugs were an absolute deal breaker.

This is a hard situation. You are married with a child and one on the way. But he is not treating you right at all. I could not stay with a man who did that to me I'm sorry :(

summerwinterton · 12/12/2015 09:52

I don't care how stressful life is - there is no excuse for drugs. I would wonder why you have minimised his behaviour for so long? I know you deserve way much better than him.

HackerFucker22 · 12/12/2015 10:08

There really is one of these threads every Saturday morning?

Sorry OP I am not minimising your issue (I think your DH is a cunt just to make my position clear)

Last Sat there was another heavily pregnant lady who had a partner go awol after a work thing?

How people put up with this shit is beyond me?

LilaTheTiger · 12/12/2015 10:15

How people put up with this shit is beyond me

Word.

Fairylea · 12/12/2015 10:20

I think being in a relationship like this is like being the frog in the proverb about the frog and the boiling water ... If you raise the temperature slowly enough the frog doesn't realise how unbearably hot it's becoming until it's too late to jump out. I've been that frog myself and it's only when you look back later you realise how wrong the scenario was. (I left my dds dad when she was 6 months old after 5 years together for similar reasons - him putting friends before family and drinking too much / going out too much ... Final straw when he came back at 4am because he and his friend had been helping the barmaid home with her luggage as she'd just come back from holiday !! - never mind your poor wife suffering from horrendous pnd at home with a non sleeping baby). Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I'm now remarried and dd is nearly 13 and I also have a son aged 3.5 with my new dh (new sounds wrong but just for context). Ds has autism and doesn't sleep. We've been taking turns every night playing musical beds with ds, dh let me have a lie in this morning while he got up with ds at 5. Dh doesn't go out drinking or out all night with friends. I couldn't be with someone who did after my experience with ex. In fact neither dh nor I drink full stop - I'm not saying that's what people should do but my experience with ex was enough to put me off that for life.

cailindana · 12/12/2015 10:33

You had children with a drug user and now you're wondering how it's come to this.

I'm not blaming you for his behaviour, but it's worth remembering that what you accept is what you get.

Original poster
Esssss · 12/12/2015 11:36

I don't know what to say, he's still not back. He's tried to call me 3 times since about 9:40 but I haven't picked up. He knows how I feel about the drugs but like a previous poster I think he thinks it's fine because technically he still functions fine, he goes to work, he gets up and does stuff with our son and it only happens maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

Only once have I felt like he wasn't safe to mind our child after a bender and that was a few years ago. I think there have been some harsh replies but maybe that's what I need to hear.

The only consequence to his actions has been me being pissed off with him but maybe this time there needs to be bigger consequences...I might spend the night at a friends house tonight.

OP posts:
SpanglesGalloway · 12/12/2015 11:39

So after a bender a few years ago when you actually questioned wither your DC would be safe in his care you didn't give him any consequences at that time. You stayed with him after a bender, and had another child?

cailindana · 12/12/2015 11:42

He is not willing to change. He does not value your feelings on this subject. If you accept that, then accept it. Accept that this will happen again and again for the rest of your married life.

Or don't accept it.

That's your choice.

tiredvommachine · 12/12/2015 11:48

OP, your husband is a cunt Flowers

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 12/12/2015 12:19

He won't stop until he completely disasocciates from the people he socialists with.

If I were you I'd leave your key in the front door and go out the back door taking the key so he can't get in and chill out whilst use are away.

Then id take stuff to get you through to Monday. Contact your parents to let them know you have had a disagreement and are going to a friend's, incase he contacts them and they worry. Then turn your mob off and go stay at a friends and don't go home till Monday night.

Enjolrass · 12/12/2015 12:22

You aren't weak.

We all make bad decisions. But it's wether we go on repeating that matters.

Do what's best for your children.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 12/12/2015 12:23

Infact, before you turn your mobile off. Id send a text saying. I have had enough, I no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who takes drugs, wastes money on them that could be spent on our children and shows me so little care and respect. I will contact you further when I have calmed down. Let him stew and think he's fucked everything up.

Whatdoidohelp · 12/12/2015 12:32

Why on earth do you have one kid with a drug using loser let alone one kid AND another on the way?

Original poster
Esssss · 12/12/2015 12:40

Ok thank you for all your replies. I appreciate you taking the time. I'm finding it pretty hard to stay calm at the moment so I'm going I just switch off for a while. I don't have friends or family nearby so I'm going to go stay in a hotel tonight with my son.

OP posts:
cailindana · 12/12/2015 12:41

I know we've been harsh here Esssss but we are on your side. Do you have anybody you can call?

ohtheholidays · 12/12/2015 13:00

I would never ever have anyone around any of my 5DC that was taking drugs!

I split up with my fiancee because I found some drugs in his bag,that it was it he was out of the door within minutes of me finding them.I had 3DC,the youngest was our child and a few days later I found out that I was pregnant with 4th DC(I was breastfeeding youngest DC who was only 10 months at the time)I never took him back and he's never seen the youngest child that we had together and that was over 12 years ago.

He needs to let of steam,No he needs to fuck off if he can't act like a normal man that is a Father!

Honestly OP you need to make a choice him or your children.I used to teach and I worked with SS within safe guarding children,the amount of children who's childhoods were ruined because either one of both of they're parents were using drugs was huge.Alot of the family's didn't stop the drug use or removed the parent from the household that was the drug user and most of them went onto have they're children removed from the home.
Sadly all of the children that were raised in that kind of home(I still know them now they're young adults)have gone onto be drug users themselves.

He needs to realize that he has a problem and that what he is doing isn't fair on the DC and you,he needs to get help and stay away from those that he does take drugs with or he needs to leave.

There is no half measures OP when your dealing with something like this there can't be or it just won't work and in the end it will be your children that suffer and it could eventually be your grandchildren that suffer as well all because of one man.

CaspoFungin · 12/12/2015 15:42

I don't think the drugs are that big a deal if only 4 times a year .

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