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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be angry by my dh....

109 replies

Esssss · 12/12/2015 07:44

He had his Xmas do last night and didn't come home. I got a text at some early hour saying he missed the last train and was staying with friends (a couple that I have a few issues with)

To be honest normally i wouldn't be that bothered because he needs to let off steam every now and again BUT I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, we have a 2 year old who is VERY full on. We both work so it's not like I've been off all week, we have some huge life changes happening that I've been unbelievably stressed out about (he hasn't, he's been in denial)

I'm bringing our little boy to an Xmas party today, he isn't coming as he is supposed to be doing work on the house but I know he will have spent the night drinking and doing drugs and will be in no fit state to do anything. (Only v occasionally does drugs but this would definitely be one of those occasions, I don't do drugs, never have and it kills me that our very limited money gets wasted on that)

Anyway, I know it's only one night and he works hard but I feel SO resentful that I never ever get the same opportunity, I feel like he is still able to slip back into his pre-married, pre-children life when I just don't. I'm probably being silly to be hurt but I am. :-(

Why can't he just go for some drinks with friends and then come home like the responsible adult that he should be!!????? Please do tell me to get a grip if I'm being ott.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 13/12/2015 17:05

Essss you need to be honest with your parents as soon as possible before he convinces them that you are depressed or worse. They need to know exactly what their pregnant daughter and grandchild are coping with.

Original poster
Esssss · 13/12/2015 17:05

Is that really the best thing to do though? What if he makes a monumental effort and our marriage is better for it? I don't think my parents would ever be able to forget. That doesn't seem fair or productive?

OP posts:
StrawberrytallCake · 13/12/2015 17:09

You are taking the blame for his behaviour and he has managed to turn what he did into a problem that solely belongs to you. Yes I think you need to tell your parents so that you have the correct support in place now and in the future if this were to happen again.

prettywhiteguitar · 13/12/2015 17:17

Humm do you think your parents would be surprised that your stressed if they knew the truth about your dh ?

You're hiding the truth so they don't know the whole picture. If your sweep this under the carpet he will just do it again cause he knows you won't do anything about it.

I have been in this position looking at the clock at 4am, 6am etc and believe me they don't grow out of it if you just have a row and sweep it under the carpet.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2015 17:23

Op is it fair that you are taking the blame for his behaviour. How awful them unwittingly telling him that you need help and they are worried for you, when he is to blame. I woukd most certainly be setting them straight, at the moment his behaviour is unacceptable and impacting on you.

fififolle · 13/12/2015 17:27

If he could have got a cab to the hospital, why didn't he get one when he missed the train?

araiba · 13/12/2015 17:34

nobody knows if drugs were involved at all or what they were. so maybe some people should calm down in their advice to a heavily pregnant woman to leave her husband.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 13/12/2015 17:36

Wow, so it's not him now, it's you. Unbelievable, he needs an award!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/12/2015 17:39

I don't think getting wasted three or four times a year should be a deal breaker, though obviously it's stupid to be doing it when you are so pregnant.

Loads and loads of people get smashed a few times a year and loads of people use drugs very very occasionally with no problems.

Far more people have problems with alcohol I reckon.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 13/12/2015 17:44

Loads of people use drugs once and die.
No known source , no regulation, no idea of your tolerance or their strength or what they've been cut with...totally unregulated trade..criminal record, loose your job, can't pay your mortgage, police record...and on and on...
I guess I absolutely disagree tinkly..oh and no insurance payout for your family...

QuartzUcan · 13/12/2015 17:48

Essss - at the moment your parents are very concerned and think it is all to with you.
You need to be honest with family (and close friends).
I made the mistake of protecting my children's father to others from the worst of him, living for the time when he made the right choices, so I would not need to tell anyone.
All that succeeded in doing over a period of years (close friends and family lived some distance away) was isolating me.
Pretence, of any sort, means you do not speak your truth to the people that matter.

Let them in and let them support you.

reni2 · 13/12/2015 17:52

Parents and even the wider family are usually quite aware of a drinker or drug taker anyway. You hear this again and again once somebody sobered up that they, their partner and children were amazed how open a secret it was for everybody in the wider circle.

Enjolrass · 13/12/2015 17:55

Op you called them and told them you were overwhelmed. Of course they are worried. You need to be honest.

As you say he has used your state of mind against you to take the focus off him.

He will do it with your parents to.

You can't tell them half a story. Of course they are going to think it's you.

If he makes an effort and changes, I am sure they will see that too.

Calling them for support but not telling them why you need it, is making them worry about the wrong thing.

magoria · 13/12/2015 17:55

Your parents think it is your problem when in fact it is your selfish druggie of a H who thinks it is OK to go out and spend family money.

Don't hide this from them.

The form of their help will be different and more useful if they know that he is causing these problems rather than it being poor pregnant you.

This will happen again when your baby is a few months old, leaving you to worry if this time he has ODed and died leaving you with an even bigger family until he turns up and makes it your fault.

Then again.

And again.

QuartzUcan · 13/12/2015 17:55

Omitted word - think it is all to do with you.

GingerIvy · 13/12/2015 17:59

How can your parents know how to help and support you if you are lying to them about what the problems are?

He is the one with the problem. Don't let him push it onto you. Be honest with your parents. Let him see the consequences of his actions. You've been shielding him from the social stigma of using drugs, and that only enables him to think that it's okay. He needs to see that it is not okay and that others will not be impressed with his actions.

Sansoora · 13/12/2015 18:01

You really do deserve better than this arsehole.

araiba · 13/12/2015 18:03

"Loads of people use drugs once and die.
No known source , no regulation, no idea of your tolerance or their strength or what they've been cut with...totally unregulated trade..criminal record, loose your job, can't pay your mortgage, police record...and on and on...
I guess I absolutely disagree tinkly..oh and no insurance payout for your family.."

a few people die from drugs. habitual users of the worst drugs.

i think getting a police record doesnt matter if youre dead

millions of people take drugs on a regular basis and none of any of your post happens to them

calm down

Enjolrass · 13/12/2015 18:06

And the fact that he is deflecting it on to you, means he hasn't accepted he was wrong. This won't change him.

He could have at least said to your dad 'tbh, I went out and didn't come home. It's my fault she is feel overwhelmed and we are working through it'

He didn't have to go into detail. But he could have owned to your dad. But he didn't!

TesticleOfObjectivity · 13/12/2015 18:23

Op sorry if I've misinterpreted here but it sounds to me as though your husband has been a complete selfish prick, gone out and left his pregnant wife and his toddler, got wasted and possibly taken drugs, spent money that you don't have, bowled home the next day and convinced your parents that you're the one with the problem? What the fuck? Tell your parents what kind of man he is. Please. This is not about you being depressed - though I think most people would be down in that situation. This is about his selfish, self-centered behaviour.

EponasWildDaughter · 13/12/2015 18:44

OP, think about what you want him to do. Think about what changes you want him to make. Think about what you never want him to do again.

Choose a time soon to sit down and talk with him. Explain exactly how you feel. Be clear that the relationship is on a knife edge. Yell him what you need from him. Tell him calmly and simply that his behavior is a major factor in your depression and that you need the support of people who know the truth. Ask him if he can and will do what you need him to do. Let him know you are going to talk frankly to your parents.

This could be a flash point - but it is a good start. It's the first step towards both of you accepting that his behavior is damaging and is something which is real and something which you will no longer pretend to be coping with.

I can completely understand why you don't want to tell your parents the truth. I was the same and if push had come to shove i'd have hated having to do it. (My DH puled his socks up at the 11th hour)

However, the ball is rolling now in that they know there is a problem, and they are already in help mode. Go with it and tell them it all. Of course they'll be protective of you and angry with him. I would be if one of my DCs came to me like that and so would you. But you need someone on your side who knows your situation and will be there unconditionally.

EponasWildDaughter · 13/12/2015 18:45

Not 'yell'! Tell :)

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 13/12/2015 18:47

OP, I'm worried you will never have a, 'Fuck this shit!' moment and you really need to have one soon or this pattern will be set forever! Flowers

MissTwister · 13/12/2015 18:59

Wow. Lots of people on here need to calm down.

OP's husband has been a bit of a dick for sure and he needs to step up and support her but leaving him because he takes some drugs a few times a year or suggesting he's likely to die?? Come on get some perspective!

EponasWildDaughter · 13/12/2015 19:05

If ''Taking drugs a few times a year'' and disappearing on all nighters is fine with you then great. For OP it obviously is not. Lots of us happen to agree.

OP is under no obligation to stay with anyone for any reason at all which makes her unhappy.

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