To ask for your thoughts on crying babies in public places and on trains/buses... what are your thoughts?

[winterlake]

My DS has colic and reflux so he screams and cries a lot. He likes being in sling but still cries especially after feeding. Each bout of crying lasts anywhere between 10mins and a few hours.

I get cabin fever being indoors all day. No car so have to use public transport when DH is at work. Recently DS screamed for 35mins on a bus. Everyone was glaring and muttering but there was nothing I could do other than talk to him, jiggle him and keep offering dummy. On a 1-hour train journey he cried inconsolably the whole way. I felt like everyone in the carriage hated us.

On rare occasions we eat out or go to coffee shops he often wakes up and cries. We take it in turns to jiggle him, walk him, take him outside for fresh air, and end up leaving early if he won't settle. My DH thinks we should stay and finish our food, that all babies cry and it's ok if it's in daytime. But I feel like we're ruining other people's meals.

How do you get out and about with a colicky baby? What you do if your baby cries in public? I'm sick of walking round the local park.

What do you think about babies crying in public places or on trains and buses?

I think it depends a bit on the place. Child-friendly restaurants and cafes: I don't see the problem. Babies cry! However, I would be annoyed if someone brought a crying baby to a 'quiet' event, e.g. theatre, cinema, a concert not designed for babies. I might be a tiny bit riled if there was a baby crying in an adult place, e.g. a very posh and formal restaurant or a cocktail bar or something! (I exempt pubs from this, I think they are informal and they ought to be more family friendly).

I don't mind at all, and I didn't before I had my son. It's hardly fair to moan at the parent to shut them up about a baby that is doing the only thing it knows how to do to communicate. It's not like they are choosing to make their baby scream in public!

I'd like to think that if my son screamed, people were a bit more sympathetic rather than arrogant. Now if he decides to moan or throw a tantrum when we're out, I really couldn't give any less of a shit. My son isn't the only kid to have done it and wont be the last. if he has a tantrum about not getting something I don't give in and get it, that's what people frown upon

Yeah, hearing people's music is more annoying because they can bloody turn it off or down, especially when they just have it playing out of their phone knobs

Andro - that's awful.

Well, I wouldn't blame the parent. I'd feel sorry for you because I know how hard it is. Unlike other posters, I can't reassure you that other people feel the same way. They probably don't.

I agree that taking baby outside in a restaurant is a good idea - we used to do the same. It's not fair to ruin other people's meals.

I would seek treatment for the reflux if I were you. It sounds like your DS is in a lot of distress, and it can't be much fun for you either.

I see both sides. It's not really that much fun for either party to be fair - but stuck on a train for an hour with a screaming baby (poor mite, and poor you too it must have been upsetting) sounds pretty grim and anyone who says otherwise is not being truthful IMO. That said, I'd be feeling more sorry for the mummy (and daddy etc) than for myself.

I do look at someone with a sceaming baby on a train or bus - if only I guess to kind of guage the situation, it might be that baby looks as if they would soon drop off or I can see the mum scrabbling for a dummy or bottle for a drink (for the baby ha ha!).
But I do accept that people with babies will use public transport and so they should, so I can either move to a different carriage (have done this in the past) or I can turn up my music.

But restaurants, I sort of think are a wee bit different, not everyone will agree but I sort of think that if you know that your baby is a "screamer" then it's a bit selfish to go out for a meal knowing that more than likely he is going to have a right old scream session when people are perhaps trying to have a quiet meal out. It's all about being reasonable, compromising, considering the best options for everyone etc. But again, it depends on the time of day, where you are etc - if it's a quick pannini in Wetherspoons (where you can often not hear yourself think anyway!) then of course finish your lunch.

Crying babies are fine. I just get on with what I'm doing.

Screaming, screeching, whining kids that are old enough to understand and know better with parents that just ignore them give me the rage.

And while I'm on the subject the aforementioned child is NOT having a meltdown. My autistic DNephew has meltdowns, children with SENs have meltdowns. Your child is just naughty because you are a lazy parent.

The sound goes through my head like a car alarm to be honest

But there's not much the parents can do about it, so they have my sympathy.

I do think they should be taken outside of a restaurant though, wherever possible.

If it's a kid-friendly place like McD or a Harvester then fair enough, it's what you expect from such an establishment. But a nice restaurant, people e.g. trying to have a business lunch, or spending hard earned cash to treat themselves, a special occasion place, anything like that - then I would have more sympathy for the people glaring at you, because you didn't have to go and subject them to that. The people around you may have chosen to be child free and enjoy their lives as such. Like it or not, our lives do change when we become parents especially in the baby-phase and it can be a tough adjustment, but it's a responsibility we have taken on. In time, your baby will become a child you can take out without a problem, this phase will pass (it might not seem like it right now, but it will!)

If you want to go out to nice restaurants, have you considered getting a babysitter so that you get a reprieve, and a taste of your old life, without spoiling it for others?

There are places you can go with a crying baby where it won't be as much of a problem, where there are naturally more parents with young children:

• Soft play centres
• Sure Start centre groups
• Play groups
• Farm cafes ...and so on. these would be different in an urban versus rural area. Could you create a little schedule of places to go near you, for each day of the week?

Public transport is a tricky one, perhaps unavoidable.. but again there would be a difference between a 'necessary' journey and deliberately taking a baby that you know screams, onto a long train journey or plane. What about a businessperson in the carriage needing to make a professional call, or collect their thoughts before an important presentation/meeting - you could even be having an impact on their livelihood? IMHO you have to be open to understand their point of view too.

I never scowl, but do offer a sympathetic smile, or where I can, even offer help (such as trying to talk to baby etc to distract)

a couple of years ago we went away for new year to visit family, me, my DP, our just turned 1yo DS, my sister and her DS of 6 months......her DS screamed the whole 2 and a half hour flight....on new years day....as you can imagine there was quite a few hangovers on the flight....some of the looks we got were disgusting except for one really lovely lady who asked if she could help and actually walked him up and down which did calm him slightly, my sister was so stressed out and close to tears herself......the poor baby had a severe ear infection (picked up while we were there) ....as you can imagine a plane journey did NOT help this!! we will always be forever grateful to that one woman and the kindness she showed!

I just turn my hearing aids off. I'd hate it in a restaurant though.
Sorry you're having a tough time OP.

My ds has asd and he screams and screeches with excitement. He also shouts, sings and dances and tries to climb on tables and chairs. His behaviour is not a meltdown but part of being in sensory overload. He is what the paeds refer to as a 'constant stimulation craver'. We make judgements as to how much of this behaviour is okay before we leave. It often looks as tho we are doing nothing but traditional approaches don't work - no rewards or punishments etc. So it often looks like he is a 'little shit' and we are crappy parents.

we went to Wagamama the other day and he was the best he had ever been (first time he hadn't tried to run into the kitchens and we all managed to finish eating together, no screaming either). We were over the moon, but still got glares and tuts.

Babies cry. Ignore dirty looks; their problem, not yours. Do what you need to get out of the house to stay sane.

Yes, quite a few on that train will have hated you. But they have all been that baby once and many of them will either have had that crying baby themselves or will have that baby in the future at some point.

In the nicest possible way MrsKoala fuck 'em. You know you are doing a good job so ignore the looks. I was on an 8 hour flight with a little autistic boy and his Mum and he was having a really hard time the whole way. I have never seen a parent work harder in my life.

We also saw improvement from cranial osteopathy it's worth looking into.

I'm another person who experiences physical pain when a baby cries (toddlers and small children screeching has the same effect). If it's somewhere like the supermarket or public transport and the parents are actually trying to do something about it that's one thing - I see that as my problem and try to move away or block out the sound. If they're not trying to sooth their child or are somewhere like a restaurant and don't take them out then I get really upset about the inconsiderateness as well as the pain.

I used to think "why don't they shut that baby up?".

...and then I had my DS, a colicky, refluxy, sensitive chap. Karma is a bitch.

I didn't know that there are some babies who can't be comforted by the parents. I had no experience of babies before I had my DS, and I was ignorant. On behalf of every ignorant twat, I am sorry.

DS is now 7 months old and much improved. I hid indoors for the first 4 months of his life as I couldn't even get to the end of our road without him screaming. I couldn't take the dirty looks. I got quite low in that time. I know the right thing to have done was go out anyway, but it felt like my nerves were shredded.

Colief helped. Mostly time helped. We went to a baby group today and he didn't cry. That's the first time that's happened. It was great. It does get better. Hang on in there, and be as strong as you can.

As long as it looks like you are trying to soothe him it doesn't bother me. It's when parents ignore a howling baby that I get annoyed.

Doesn't bother me at all. Am just relieved it isn't mine making the noise for once!

On trains and buses it can get irritating but I can empathise and I'm just relieved I'm not at that stage anymore so it doesn't really get to me. Cafes etc I feel the same but in pubs or restaurants then yes, it would annoy me.

Does my head in, but shit happens. Anywhere it's reasonable to take a baby (bus, child friendly cafe etc) it's reasonable to take a crying baby. The thing about public transport is it involves being at close quarter with the public.

If there is a baby screaming on the bus I just ignore it and try t give the mum a sympathetic smile or just say " you are doing a great job yknow" .

It absolutely is not that bad or loud when it isn't your own, and like someone else said - 20 mins on the bus is piddly peanuts, poor mum probably has it all night.

If it was a longer train journey I'd like to think I wouldn't look like a mad baby abuctor if I asked if you'd like me to hold the baby for a bit. At work I take " inconsolable " babies from mums and often they'll respond to my " magic touch ". I do also say it's nothing magic - I am just less affected by the screaming( cos it's not my baby) and the baby knows I'm more calm.

Having had a screaming Velcro baby I know it's is so hard.

My dd was a colicky baby and now can have some awe inspiring tantrums. I also don't drive so using a bus is a daily occurrence.

With public transport you really can't just get off so you do your best and get on with it. I have apologised to a bus full of people more than once when dd has had a particularly screamy journey. Luckily I think we are quite well known on our local bus and generally get sympathy rather then nastiness.

Restaurants and cafes are different. I have left half eaten food before when dd has been crying and really think it is awfully inconsiderate to sit there with a crying child when other people are trying to enjoy a relaxing drink.

I am always aware that the people in that resturant may be enjoying a rare break from their own colicy child. I valued those brief moments of a quiet coffee or quick lunch with dh too much to want to ruin someone else's.

That's the issue as well Marples. Any attention in one of DD's legendary grumps would result in more screaming and rehashing of the thing she was trying to manipulate me to buy wanting.