To ask for your thoughts on crying babies in public places and on trains/buses... what are your thoughts?

[winterlake]

My DS has colic and reflux so he screams and cries a lot. He likes being in sling but still cries especially after feeding. Each bout of crying lasts anywhere between 10mins and a few hours.

I get cabin fever being indoors all day. No car so have to use public transport when DH is at work. Recently DS screamed for 35mins on a bus. Everyone was glaring and muttering but there was nothing I could do other than talk to him, jiggle him and keep offering dummy. On a 1-hour train journey he cried inconsolably the whole way. I felt like everyone in the carriage hated us.

On rare occasions we eat out or go to coffee shops he often wakes up and cries. We take it in turns to jiggle him, walk him, take him outside for fresh air, and end up leaving early if he won't settle. My DH thinks we should stay and finish our food, that all babies cry and it's ok if it's in daytime. But I feel like we're ruining other people's meals.

How do you get out and about with a colicky baby? What you do if your baby cries in public? I'm sick of walking round the local park.

What do you think about babies crying in public places or on trains and buses?

Recently I was on a train and a family of six got on- mum, dad and four kids, youngest was at least seven. As soon as they sat down they started playing a game that involved them all clapping their hands and banging on the table. I'll never be bothered by a crying baby after that!

My son cried all the time when awake. It was awful, draining etc. I do think parents of crying babies have to be considerate. Babies crying don't bother me now, but they used to pre-children. I remember the comments I got. It was a very hard time in my life. They do grow out of it but the end doesn't feel in sight when you are going through it. And yes to the cranial osteopathy suggestion.

Hmm...I think:

Babies cry
Babies are perfectly entitled to go out in public

Therefore, anyone who eye-rolls, comments or shoots dirty looks is completely unentitled to do so unless in a 'quiet' place like a cinema or library.

Honestly, I always feel sympathy for the parent.

Next time you are on public transport and people keep glaring just say to them:'Please, if you would like to have a go and stop my baby from crying you are quite welcome!'.

Other people's screaming babies are great contraception. (Grin)

I feel quite sorry for the baby and its parents.
Public transport - nothing anyone can do, I do the sympthetic smile.
Restaurant or coffee shop - unless it's a really busy noisy one anyway I'd be a bit pissed off if a baby screamed and roared for half an hour and neither parent took it outside for a walk around and gave the other diners some peace. I'm pregnant with my first and expect there will be many occasions where DH and I will have to eat in relays, or shovel the food in quickly and get out of there, or worst case scenario pay and leave half uneaten. I'm expecting a whole unhurried peaceful harmonious meal with a small child in tow to be an unusual achievement.

I'm mostly grateful it's not me who has to try and stop it!

These days I hear a crying baby and be thankful it's no longer mine to deal with! It's a pain if you are in a confined space for ages, but on a bus you could get off and walk to the next stop if it was doable. My colicy DD loved the bus though so I used to go for long aimless trips for a bit of peace.

I always try and look at the parents with crying babies with knowing sympathy and a supportive look BUT I am always worried they are interpreting me looking as "glaring" or being annoyed!

You should carry on going out OP, you know your baby,carry on being confident in your decision to go out. It won't be forever!

On a 1-hour train journey he cried inconsolably the whole way. I felt like everyone in the carriage hated us
Nooooo. They were probably remembering how hard it was and wishing they dare lean over and tell you not to worry. We've all been there.
Actually I love the sound of a tiny baby crying, in a broody nostalgic sort of way.

Babies cry, just like toddlers have tantrums: yes, given the choice, I think no-one (their mother included) wants to have a crying baby sat near them on a long plane/train journey - but we all started out that way, and I think most people are thinking more about how to reassure the mother than giving dirty looks. And those that are giving dirty looks can bugger off, frankly (and I say this as someone who is not child-friendly at all!).

Far, far worse is little Tarquin exercising his right to be free range in the middle of the coffee shop, or little Flora racing up and down the plane/train aisle, with mothers who don't even look up from their mobiles.

Babies cry. I usually tell the stressed and embarrassed parents "We've all been there." normally with a compliment about their gorgeous bundle of noise.

Yep. Always nice to note that it's not my problem!

It must be really hard for you though, if it's worse at home too. I hope you get medical help that works.
And remember: it gets better :) Eventually they grow out of it and into something else.

winterlake - do you sing to him? As long as you are holding the baby in a way they like to be held (likely upright if he is colicky? and maybe in a well supported carrier so he's not "touched out" by your hands) and you are clearly doing your very best to soothe him, with your voice and your actions, I think it's fair enough to be wherever you have to be.

Please remember, though, that some people have sensory processing disorder and, even with ear defenders, a baby crying is extremely painful for them. So, if you ever happened to be in the same train carriage as someone with that disability (and it's co-morbid with autism, in case that helps you to contextualise it). that person might well have to leave the carriage or get off the bus, and would be in a state of stress or even panic. It doesn't mean they hate you or think you are a bad mother, but - for physiological and legitimate reasons - they simply cannot share a confined space with a baby who goes on crying for a sustained length of time.

babys cry thats life. people dont like it they can leave. just get on with your day best you can.

As the mother of a silent reflux baby myself I say just carry on getting out and about. If I hear a baby screaming I always feels sorry for the parents so try to offer a sympathetic smile. I was in Next last year trying to find something to wear for my grandad's funeral and 3 month old dd was screaming the place down, I heard some arsehole woman say "I wish she'd shut that baby up" and as I was upset about my grandad and also because dd screamed all the time no matter what I did I whirled round to her and practically growled "do you want to have a go? See if you can get her to stop! Do you think I enjoy listening to her cry?". I then fled the shop holding back the tears.

Honestly, just go about your business, most people aren't arseholes and won't mind that your baby is crying.

As an aside dd takes omeprazole for her reflux and she also has a cows milk protein allergy which reflux is often a symptom of. We took her to A&E as our gp wouldn't help and she wouldn't stop screaming. She was referred to a paediatrician as an outpatient after bring prescribed ranitidine initially.

I don't even have children but still don't mind it. I don't have a car so am always on the bus or train. I make sure I always have earphones with me for times when I want to shut out the people around me (babies or otherwise!)

There's only a few places where you would be being unreasonable not to perhaps consider moving to another location e.g. cinema, theatre, concert, outisde an exam hall, middle of a library. For shops, cafes, restraurants, transport etc. - people who are bothered are being unrealistic. It's part of being a human being. They were babies once. YANBU to stay put where you are and live your life.

Shall I tell you a secret? It sounds MUCH louder when it's your own baby. It really isn't that bad for everyone else.

Care to bet?

But I feel like we're ruining other people's meals.

OP, you are correct! I would be donning ear defenders and escaping, I would also be less than pleasant if my actions were commented on or queried because the pain your child would be causing me is beyond description.

I think that for essential places, there's not much you can do, so no-one can complain against a crying baby. I mean places like GP surgery, public transport, supermarket - I know they deliver, but fair enough sometimes you need to buy your own food!

However, I don't think it's reasonable to impose a crying child on others when you spoil whatever nice time they could have, so I personally remove my own crying baby from restaurants, or cafes, wedding ceremony, nativity plays, even a child friendly rhyme time, because it is not fair on other people.

Having endured a nightmare 4 hour flight where my then 23 month screamed for every minute I sympathise. It can't be helped on public transport. However, in a restaurant or cinema I think you need to leave.

Andro
I would also be less than pleasant if my actions were commented on or queried because the pain your child would be causing me is beyond description

Does that happen often? I'm assuming from your post you have an increased sensitivity to noise. Do people actually comment if you up and leave an overly noisy place?

Ds gets very distressed by crying babies but I realise it is unavoidable that he meets them. I think in a restaurant where there are two of you it is reasonable to expect the baby to be taken out for a time if the screaming has gone on for a while. Taking it in turns to eat is to be expected with babies and toddlers (different for children older than this with sn).

I'd just think blimey, I've been there! I'd even offer to hold him for you so you could eat an entire meal probably for the first time since birth everyone's baby cries and yes it can be irritating but I hate the people that stare and tut, I mean it's not like you sit there nipping your child and encouraging the crying, you'd stop it if you could!

I have colic experience and it is awful! No advice regarding reflux though. Sorry you're having a tough time and hope things pick up for you soon

I have a very clear stance on this, as it's something I've given a great deal of thought to.

If a baby or small child is crying in public, I check to see if anyone is responding - this means anything from talking to the child, reassuring it, holding it to actually parking up and lifting it out of the pram or giving it a bottle or BFing it.

If someone is engaging with the child, or even seems to be anxiously rushing to find a quiet place in which to do so, I relax - it's being sorted.

If they are not engaging, ignoring it, discussing outfits in a shop, or being angry with it, then my hackles rise and I want to do something or make a comment.

Children and babies do cry, it's a fact of life, and that's cool as no one can prevent it entirely (and I've had non criers and dreadful criers!) However I do believe very strongly that we have to TRY.

And that means doing whatever we can. So that's my position on it. If a child's being spoken to, dealt with in a kind way, lifted up or whatever, yay, I'll move on merrily and leave people to it. If it's not, I'll do a stare or an 'AHEM' or I may even say something (strong hint - said with a smile and in a kind way) because that's a situation that makes me very uncomfortable and I'll want to do something about it myself.

HTH and sympathy.

I don't have DC yet but babies crying doesn't bother me at all. It's what babies do, we were all that age once! I live in a flat and our neighbour has a new baby. I can hear them crying sometimes, during the day and night. It's a non-issue. The baby will grow out of it! If I knew my neighbour better I would offer to help. As pp have said, I think it sounds worse to the parents. And the parents are probably knackered and stressed; me being judgy and getting annoyed won't help.

Public transport is for everyone, little ones included. Babies cry, toddlers have tantrums, it's just life! If it bothered me that much then I'd move. IMO, people talking loudly on their mobile, music leaking from headphones, smelly people on the tube or eating stinky food are all really anti social and far worse than a crying baby.

Re cafes and restaurants, I think it depends where you are. Family friendly restaurants (giraffe and the like), casual cafe or somewhere obviously set up for kids with play area, kids menu etc - it would unreasonable for an adult to go there and then complain about crying. However, I would be slightly put out if this happened in a more grown up or romantic restaurant in the evening, which is obviously set up for a corporate or date night crowd.