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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want in-laws to come and stay 14 days after my C section?

149 replies

pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 08:18

We are due to have our first baby next week (ELCS for breech), and hubby's parents and his brother all want to come and stay with us for a week or two. The date that they are planning to arrive is 14 days after my ELCS. I am quite a private/introverted person, and even at the best of times I can feel quite overwhelmed at having them all to stay. They are lovely people, but my goodness they are loud (!). I know that they are just excited, and also that they want to help us with things around the house (which is lovely of them), but I'm worried about how I will feel so soon after getting home. My own parents live 10 minutes away, and they have space for the in-laws to stay - I had suggested this as an alternative, so that they can come and visit/spend plenty of time with us but also giving us space, but it went down like a lead balloon - MIL sounded really hurt. I realise that I sound very ungrateful, but I am honestly dreading the thought of it.

OP posts:
TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 10/12/2015 07:53

Not sure about the bil, but would your pils not be helpful at all?
Would you be able to carry on resting, recovering and bonding while they took over the meals and general tidying?
Maybe take the baby for a while to let you sleep.
That way you could get some really good recuperation time.
If it's not going to work like that then definitely no. A new mother does not need added stress.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/12/2015 08:13

The ONLY acceptable visit would be one where OP and the baby were ensconced in splendid immobility, while the ILs crawled before them in abject serfdom. That's how we did it.

GinIsTheBestChristmasSpirit · 10/12/2015 08:18

If your parents are happy to host I think that's a great solution. Grandparents can gush together and they will be fed and Undisturbed at night.

Even if they come round in the days being able to send them elsewhere at night or when you are super rough is invaluable. Stick to your guns and get your DH onside.

Hope it all goes smoothly and congratulations Thanks

KaluzaKlein1 · 10/12/2015 08:32

Look, there is absolutely no bloody way you can 'just pop upstairs' to feed after a cs.
Admittedly mine was a bit of a bloodbath, but at two weeks I was going up the stairs once a day only, and it took me a minute or two to do it. Having a twenty five cm incision going through several layers plus a tiny baby to look after can floor you!
My family live overseas and dhs live several hundred miles away. Both came to visit (separately ) around four weeks. Both were helpful and still we breathed a sigh of relief when we had the house back to ourselves.
Them staying at your parents is the perfect compromise. Absolutely NO to Bil being useless and hogging the living room. I suggest when they are here you keep him on his toes, issue multiple orders 'it's so nice you're here to help, now...' And absolutely do not move a muscle from the sofa to bf.

startrek90 · 10/12/2015 08:52

Yanbu and I was up and tidying 16 hrs after mine (came home to a bombsite-thanks dh) and had to cook for surprise visitors 2 hrs after I got home. If I did I again I would refuse all visitors and only accept those for a short time who would help not just sit there and watch me hobble to the kitchen and rush back to feed Ds still bitter

MissBattleaxe · 10/12/2015 09:01

you had to cook for surprise visitors within hours of leaving hospital? Where was your DH?

OP- you will always get mothers who had an almost problem free quick recovery, but don't bank on one. Personally I think your inlaws are being rude to even invite themselves and their 38 year old baby.

Has your DH sorted it yet? because it is SO not your job.

ReggaeShark · 10/12/2015 09:02

If these selfish, entitled assholes insist on this ridiculous weeks long visit, take your baby and go and stay at your parents yourself. And get your parents to communicate with in laws when you are feeling up to receiving visitors.

Cheby · 10/12/2015 09:09

YANBU. I suspect parents and PILs forget what it's like.

I would just be completely open and honest though. Then there's no getting around the reasons why. Just say I will be recovering from major surgery, bleeding, sore and trying to establish breastfeeding with leaking boobs which will be on show. I will also need to air my section scar for long parts of the day. I am very much looking forward to you coming to meet the baby and I know you would be a great help around the house, but Im sure you understand why I need to retain my privacy during that period, and having ANY houseguests, no mater how helpful they are, is going to make me feel uncomfortable.

It would be a brazen MIL who then insisted on staying after you've explicitly said you would be uncomfortable.

And if they were that rude you're well within your rights to tell them to sod off.

mouldycheesefan · 10/12/2015 09:18

I was still in hospital four weeks after my section due to complications.

Yanbu.

Don't make any plans now see how it all goes after.

Do not host any guests.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 10/12/2015 09:24

Fucking hell! My MIL did this and it took a long time to forgive DH for not putting his foot down. It was hell. You've got a compromise for your parents. Just present it as the only option.

Original poster
pickleandflux · 10/12/2015 10:19

Thankfully DH seems to have sorted it out. Explained why I feel uncomfortable about it, and they can stay with my parents. I suspect they are still miffed about it, but that's their problem. Thanks for the moral support!

OP posts:
startrek90 · 10/12/2015 10:19

miss battleaxe DH had to work that day (zero hour contract so no leave) so was gone for majority of it. Probably a good job as I came home to the house being a tip. Frantically tidied up and got some guests who sat and watched me cook for them before fucking off home. Didn't even hold Ds so I could go to the lol. Angry

Next day had to do a massive shop (no online delivery where I live) because in addition to not cleaning for the three weeks I was in hospital my dh didn't shop either. Was fuming.

Btw what I did was NOT recommended at all. I discharged myself (no one would help me in the ward pick up/change ds or give pain relief) and I was an idiot at home. Never again will I have a c section. I don't care how difficult a vaginal birth is. No way can I do that again.

Op stick to your guns. Take time to heal. I didn't and I am still paying for it now.

MissBattleaxe · 10/12/2015 10:23

startrek, that's really awful. I can't believe how selfishly people behaved towards you. Are you still with your DH? because I would have pushed mine out the window for that. And all the greedy eaters who expected you to cook for them- do you want me to post them some dog shit? What a bunch of bastards.

I had two sections and I had a long painful recovery. I am angry on your behalf. Angry.

TeaFathers · 10/12/2015 10:25

YANBU. definitely not.
a 14 day stay is way too long. that's very intrusive.
and then a useless great lummox of a BIL thrown in on top - just for good measure - dossing on the living room floor. why the hell does he need to there for 2 weeks too?! is he still in nappies?
it all sounds hellish.
tell your DH to lay down the law.

why is a new birth always all about the MIL? why? some MILs are so effing selfish.

TurquoiseDress · 10/12/2015 11:07

I can understand their excitement & wanting to stay, but honestly 2 weeks is overkill!

Can't they stay locally in a hotel, if not at your parents?
At this time the last thing you will need is house guests! Unless they are taking on all the domestic tasks.

Don't forget, once your partner is back at work (sounds like it will coincide with them arriving)- that is the real test, you're at home with the baby during the day.

He will be back to 'normal' functioning at work but highly likely to having broken sleep at night.

It's definitely not the time to be entertaining the in-laws.
Why do they need to stay 2 weeks?!

Honestly, you will both need space to enjoy your new family and establish a new routine.

TurquoiseDress · 10/12/2015 11:08

Your DP needs to step up & deal with it now!

He can't hide behind you saying that you don't want them to come & stay.

jusdepamplemousse · 10/12/2015 11:21

You have my sympathies as I'm in a very similar situation, except I've been told that ILs will be there 'as soon as we know it's all happening'. I love these people and I know it's just about their excitement about the new baby (although I was a little taken aback to hear MIL refer to the baby as 'our new baby'!)...but I don't want this.

You are not being unreasonable! Trust me. I've asked lots of real life people too and even they agree. So it's not a case of MN anti-IL bias or anything.

However, realistically... I know I'm going to end up being bulldozed - simply because what can you do to stop people making a journey and then how can you refuse or limit the visit without causing major fireworks after the journey is done? - BUT I really hope that you are able to stand your ground!

FWIW to try to reach some understanding I actually just outright explained to my PIL that basically I think I'll feel intimidated trying to manage bleeding / feeding / going to the bloody loo with a houseful of guests. Just laid it on the line like that, warts and all, to reassure them it was not about trying to deny access to PFB etc but rather about my recovery and anxieties.

I mean it didn't work for me of course - but it might be worth a try?!

If it all gets too much I'm afraid I'm going to be a total coward and prevail upon my own mum and the rather formidable midwife to go full bulldog. Needs must...

expatinscotland · 10/12/2015 11:28

Why be such a doormat just?

star, I would have left my husband had he behaved like that. Yes, left him. Divorce.

Lancelottie · 10/12/2015 11:33

Keep on saying 'no', Jus!
Presumably you have an H if you have inlaws? He also needs to say 'no'. Call it practice for parenthood...

Lancelottie · 10/12/2015 11:33

Oh, and you don't need to let them know that it's all happening. Just saying...

jusdepamplemousse · 10/12/2015 11:54

I don't think I'm being a doormat exactly, Expat. I haven't just nodded politely and gone along with the mad plans - I've told them what I think. I just know that their desire to see the baby is going to outweigh whatever I say so they'll be making the trip regardless. We can hardly not tell them the baby is born once it is! Ultimately they are family and while I don't appreciate this behaviour in the slightest, I'm not going to let there be a nuclear fallout over the head of it.

I'm hoping OP comes from a family where there's the possibility of her being heeded if she lays things on the line!

Yes, Lottie - absolutely no way will they be told when I'm in bloody labour, I mean what on earth that's about I have no idea. Surely it could take days anyway. They'll be told once the dust has settled like everyone else! No need to let them know they won't be getting that information though - easier just to tell them after there wasn't time. Although I am looking at a possible ELCS for medical reasons (really hope not but it's a possibility) so that could be a bit awkward.

pigsDOfly · 10/12/2015 11:57

Good god no.

I've never had a CS but I've had babies and I've had major abdominal operations but never at the same time. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be coping with both at once.

Never would I have wanted visitors following either. Having people calling for a few hours is bad enough but 2/3 weeks. No.

You cannot let this happen OP. It's completely unreasonable of them to expect it.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 10/12/2015 12:17

To those of you who feel like you have no choice in whether guests descend on you or not, please don't feel obliged to cater to them.
Let them know where the tea/coffee/biscuits are and tell them to help themselves because you are recovering!
I can't believe how selfish some people are.
When I had my dcs, I didn't have to cook or do much for the first 4 weeks. Doing too much straight after the birth can cause problems for some women.
Look after yourself.

mix56 · 10/12/2015 14:50

Just for info, some of these descriptions of c section are not what I experienced at all. I got up & changed my babys nappy etc the next day, & was able to get to the bathroom etc. I was advised to be active asap.
my scar was nowhere near 25cm, more like 12cm. no pain or "bleeding" from below obviously. as stated above I was back to driving, relatively normal life after a week.(as normal as it can be with a new baby) but it wasn't my first baby.
So clearly everybody's experience is different. You might like to speak to MW so you know what to expect.

MissBattleaxe · 10/12/2015 14:58

You might like to speak to MW so you know what to expect

Or listen to the women on here who have been through it.

TBH there's always women who had no problems and were driving around and doing a big shop a week later, but it's not advisable. Stitches can burst, infections or baby blues can set in, you will be sleep deprived, you may have sore boobs. You will definitely have lochia (Like a long constant period).

And anyway, even if it is an easy recovery, you are within your rights to say loud and clear "no overnight guests".