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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want in-laws to come and stay 14 days after my C section?

149 replies

pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 08:18

We are due to have our first baby next week (ELCS for breech), and hubby's parents and his brother all want to come and stay with us for a week or two. The date that they are planning to arrive is 14 days after my ELCS. I am quite a private/introverted person, and even at the best of times I can feel quite overwhelmed at having them all to stay. They are lovely people, but my goodness they are loud (!). I know that they are just excited, and also that they want to help us with things around the house (which is lovely of them), but I'm worried about how I will feel so soon after getting home. My own parents live 10 minutes away, and they have space for the in-laws to stay - I had suggested this as an alternative, so that they can come and visit/spend plenty of time with us but also giving us space, but it went down like a lead balloon - MIL sounded really hurt. I realise that I sound very ungrateful, but I am honestly dreading the thought of it.

OP posts:
freespiritsbadattitude · 09/12/2015 13:44

Yeah, bad idea. Tell them to stay with your parents.

My ILs came from the other side of the world when DC2 (also c section) was two weeks old, and stayed for a month! They didn't want to go out on their own and just sat around. My toddler was clingy and insecure and wanted only me. All I did was cry for a solid month. It was a nightmare and three years later we have still not recovered from the badness.

CiritheLionessofCintra · 09/12/2015 13:45

OP, first, YANBU.

Second, stick to what you're comfortable with! When I was younger and stupid and pregnant with my second child I let PIL stay. Even though they lived a few minutes away from us they insisted on staying and me feeling that they we're just excited grandparents let them. The only difference is this was a few days after my c section.

If you've seen my other thread you'll know I'm not on good terms with them so I don't feel the slightest bit guilty saying this. They made my life hell for two weeks. All I wanted after my section was sleep and relaxation so I could recover but they sat on their asses and hogged my baby, they didn't help with cooking or cleaning or anything, according to them they were there to 'enjoy their granddaughter'.

Like you I'm actually a very private person. I found myself uncomfortable, agitated and nervous around my PILs. I felt forced to make conversation and play host as I never really had that comfort level with them. I resented them for
putting me through it and resented my DH for allowing it.

So please, don't feel ungrateful or guilty for saying no. You've gone through a serious operation and you have a new baby. The last thing you need is to feel uncomfortable or have to play host. Flowers

HackerFucker22 · 09/12/2015 13:55

I had a lovely, easy, quick birth with DC2 and there is no fucking way I'd have wanted visitors when I was a few weeks post partum.... even though physically I was dandy.

Rinceoir · 09/12/2015 14:06

My parents came to stay when I was 10days post c-section and just discharged, stayed 10 days, and my parents in law came for a week straight after. I was worried but tbh they were very helpful. I had an emergency section, bad infection and 9 day hospital stay. I was obviously quite weak and was very anaemic. They did all the housework, cooking, washing, tended the garden and took the baby out in her pram for short walk every day (only as long as I was comfortable with) so I could rest. My mother was no help with breastfeeding, but MIL had breastfed her children, one of them for over a year and was very helpful, knew all about cluster feeding and helped me feed in public for the first time.

SanityClause · 09/12/2015 14:14

Did you even read my post, Atomik?

If so, you'll notice that I twice mentioned that I thought the MIL and BIL should stay at the DM's house.

And no, I don't think it's a big ask to expect the OP to retreat to her bedroom, if she has visitors in the day, and wants a bit of rest. Particularly if they are lovely, helpful visitors, who will rarely see the baby.

But then, I'm always a bit amazed at how new mothers are expected to cosset themselves by many MNers. Most people I know in RL just get on with it, as best they can.

RainbowDashed · 09/12/2015 14:33

OP why does your BIL need to come too? Is he much younger? I can't think of any other reason why he'd need to come at the same time.

FWIW I'd be ok(ish) with PIL & MIL in the spare room, but it would be an absolute NO to anyone staying in the living room, it's somewhere to go with a restless baby at night so that the other person can get some sleep.

SanityClause · 09/12/2015 14:37

I do agree with you, Rainbow.

A person sleeping in the living room would be awful, particularly with a new baby in the house.

Hihohoho1 · 09/12/2015 14:52

As i said up thread I totally feel bil is a wierd freak. WTAF is he staying?

I couldn't imagine anything worse than having people to stay post baby either.

Visitors should keep it short and never sit down but offer help with chores or bring food.
Otherwise fuck off.

Hihohoho1 · 09/12/2015 14:55

And absolutely no no to the living room.
You might be heating milk etcetera downstairs and don't need a twat snoring on a blow up bed.

freespiritsbadattitude · 09/12/2015 15:01

"Most people I know in RL just get on with it, as best they can."

That's the ideal, but birth and its aftermath isn't always straightforward. With my first I was up and about in days, carting baby about to bbqs and parties - this was post C section. With my second, I was a blubbering mess for weeks and couldn't leave the house. You don't know which you'll be so, imho, it's best to assume the worst.

LaurieLemons · 09/12/2015 15:03

I think it sounds like a good idea having them stay with your parents. I'm not particularly introverted but unless we were best pals I wouldn't want anyone staying for that length of time! 2 weeks is a long time! She may have just taken it the wrong way.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/12/2015 15:09

Why don't you move to your parent's house and let your DH have his relatives around? That way, you have the space you require to recover and your inlaws can visit you at your parents place and then leave? It would also mean that your DH would have to step up and entertain his family himself and not expect you to do it.

Just a suggestion.

Rinceoir · 09/12/2015 15:13

I agree with not having anyone on the couch. Although I'm not sure if I've missed something, but why is BIL a "weird freak" for wanting to visit his family and meet new niece/nephew?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2015 15:16

And no, I don't think it's a big ask to expect the OP to retreat to her bedroom, if she has visitors in the day, and wants a bit of rest. Particularly if they are lovely, helpful visitors, who will rarely see the baby.

But then, I'm always a bit amazed at how new mothers are expected to cosset themselves by many MNers. Most people I know in RL just get on with it, as best they can.

What about people who have had major abdominal surgery, are still bleeding after birth, trying to establish BFing/routine and so on? If a man came on and said that his wife wanted her family to come and stay after he'd had, I don't know, a major operation and they expected him to move about the house to accommodate them... It's actually surgery.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 09/12/2015 15:21

Explore all the possibilities with your DH. Can Pil come first and BIL separately? Decide how long for, how long after that you could countenance a second visit perhaps, and so on. I sympathise with you, and you and the baby certainly come first, but this is a two-way street and you really don't wnat to end up alienating your PIL over these arrangements.

I think the PIL coming early while you are still in hospital, staying for one or two nights and then going could work well. They will see their grandchild quickly without it being too much for you. Then you could offer another stay of eg 5 days in 3 weeks to one month's time. I would suggest your BIL came separately because of space issues. I get though that if they all live 6 hours away they may not want to do two brief trips.

ricketytickety · 09/12/2015 15:34

No, you won't want the 'help' of extra people in your home!! Stick to your guns. Your MIL will know it's not on. She's had kids. She knows. She wants to be close to the baby but drawn a line in the sand. You decide who stays in your house. Saying no to visitors is acceptable to. Imagine this if you are still feeling guilty about saying no:
your bil's wife has had a baby. You say you're coming to stay at his for a couple of weeks after the baby has been born ( can you even imagine telling him this without even asking first?!!) then when he says 'no, we'd rather have some space' you throw a massive strop and act all hurt.

If you wouldn't do it to someone else, don't let them do it to you.

Original poster
pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 15:38

Although BIL is 38 he still lives at home with his parents, and they tend to come along to everything as a package deal! MIL is a retired nurse, and I suspect that in her eyes I should be glad to have her there to help me. DH is going to have another chat with her about them staying at my parent's house....I reckon a great compromise.

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 09/12/2015 15:44

Agree with the others. Also, I think it is incredibly presumptuous and overbearing for three inlaws to invite themselves to stay for a week or two (!) two weeks after a cs and a newborn. A short visit of an hour is what most people know is what is done, they must know this. It's fine to offer to help but the new mother decides if she wants a houseful of inlaw house guests for two weeks and she certainly is the one who decides who she would be comfortable with helping which just may be her own mother who lived close. You don't invite yourselves.

MissBattleaxe · 09/12/2015 16:04

YANBU.

My MIL announced that she was coming to stay when we had DS1. Luckily my DH was very supportive and told her that we were having no overnight guests until the baby was in a routine because we might be up all night and trying to sleep in the day.

MIL kicked off like you wouldn't believe. But we stuck to our guns and she soon had to accept our terms. Our terms were stay in a nearby B and B and come and spend the day with us, then go back to the B and B until tomorrow's visit. That way she got to see the baby but we had the evenings and the nights in privacy.

She knew she had to accept it because you can hardly go and visit someone's baby if you're not speaking to the parents.

All was well in the end and she stayed in the B and B, but I had seen her true colours.

LittleBeautyBelle · 09/12/2015 16:08

I had terrible pain for six weeks after my son was born and it was a natural birth, a lot of tearing that had to be stitched, excruciating pain if tried to sit plus taking care of my baby and having troubles breast feeding. I can't imagine the pain and suffering if I'd had to have a c-section. That is a major surgery that requires recovery from a large incision in a very tender area. On top of that, 3 inlaws staying in my house for two weeks?!? You'll be tripping over them all the time, no privacy at all, no way you should have to retreat to your bedroom, it's your house. No, No, and No.

MissBattleaxe · 09/12/2015 16:15

Is this 38 year old BIL any use or is he a man child who goes everywhere with his Mum and Dad?

Original poster
pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 16:27

missbattleaxe he's definitely the latter! Totally pampered by his mum!Grin

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 09/12/2015 16:34

That makes me fume pickle! Angry. How dare they expect you to host them and a giant useless man child!

I think that sometimes people forget how serious a C section can be. It's major abdominal surgery in the same league as a hysterectomy. Would they expect to come and stay with you if you had had a major operation that didn't produce a baby? No. It's very selfish and you need to get your DH dealing with this so that you don't get stressed.

It really amazes me how many poor women come on MN worrying about in-laws when the DH is not dealing with it as he should be.

Hihohoho1 · 09/12/2015 16:41

Well I think it's wierd that a 37 year old bloke wants to stay with his sil when she's just had a c section and will be bleeding in pain and trying to feed. For 2 weeks on a blow up bed!

Wierd

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/12/2015 16:43

Only reason BIL wants to go with mummy and daddy is because he wont be able to survive a week or two without mummy. Probably thinks he'll be pampered by mummy and SIL.