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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want in-laws to come and stay 14 days after my C section?

149 replies

pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 08:18

We are due to have our first baby next week (ELCS for breech), and hubby's parents and his brother all want to come and stay with us for a week or two. The date that they are planning to arrive is 14 days after my ELCS. I am quite a private/introverted person, and even at the best of times I can feel quite overwhelmed at having them all to stay. They are lovely people, but my goodness they are loud (!). I know that they are just excited, and also that they want to help us with things around the house (which is lovely of them), but I'm worried about how I will feel so soon after getting home. My own parents live 10 minutes away, and they have space for the in-laws to stay - I had suggested this as an alternative, so that they can come and visit/spend plenty of time with us but also giving us space, but it went down like a lead balloon - MIL sounded really hurt. I realise that I sound very ungrateful, but I am honestly dreading the thought of it.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 09/12/2015 09:14

YANBU. Exes family wanted to come to my birth (elective cesarean) against my wishes and stay, I said no.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2015 09:15

A week or two - say no and repeat as necessary. I was not up to doing all that much two weeks post C-section. It is after all major abdominal surgery and everyone's recovery time from such an op is very different.

Where are these people going to sleep; I take it as a given you do not have the space nor extra beds or linen for these people in any case. Would you be expected to cater for them each evening?.

Your DH needs to talk to his parents; the fact that your own reasonable compromise however, went down like the lead balloon could well be indicative of people wanting their own way here. MIL sounding "hurt" is her own problem, not yours to own or take any responsibility for.

How does your DH himself feel about his family of origin actually visiting you all in such circumstances?.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/12/2015 09:16

I think it's best to leave it until baby is born and you've recovered and settled.

You might feel resentful and miserable if you've got loud adults staying and your trying rest.

unimaginativename13 · 09/12/2015 09:17

From experience, the only words I said before my birth were 'I'll see how I feel or get on'

I wouldn't dismiss it totally because you may be gagging for some help (assuming DH will be at work)

My mum was ready to move in with me in the case of a CS because that's what she did with her mum. I was mortified and so was my husband but I didn't tell her that, I ended up with a natural birth anyway.

I would defo just leave a couple of options on the table and make it clear you have to see what happens.

You might spend two weeks in hospital so then they aren't going to come the day you get home!

I had an unexpected week in hospital my DH went back to work while I was in and my mum and dad came to the hospital so my DH could have time off when I got home.

You just never know what's going to crop up!

FinallyHere · 09/12/2015 09:20

Ummm, the only person you need to tell your wishes, is DH. You are doing plenty (just sayin' carrying a baby etc etc etc). Let him do his bit by managing his family's expectations. Its v v generous of your family to offer to host them for so long. Please don't commit to 'they can visit whenever they want', much better say since they are staying close by for so long, they can do a couple shorted visits.

Leelu6 · 09/12/2015 09:25

YANBU because you are having the baby and it should be your choice.

Personally, if I knew they'd help a lot, I'd let that come and let them wait on me hand and foot Grin

megletthesecond · 09/12/2015 09:26

Hell no. Yanbu.

That's a time for resting and pj's. It's a major op and you need some peace and quiet.

diddl · 09/12/2015 09:28

Thing is that even if they help, it's still three adults!

WTF arethey going to do all day?

Even if they stay with OPs mum, OP is still a sitting target when they all come round!

CadburysTastesVileNow · 09/12/2015 09:42

I was so grateful for company once dh had gone back to work. It felt overwhelming being on my own in the house with this tiny scrap who was TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON ME. I was convinced I was going to break him. We had my mum, then db and sil, then my mum again, then dh's mate ... went on for weeks.

FinallyHere · 09/12/2015 09:44

If someone loves having company, then letting them stay and help would be fine. OP has already mentioned that she is is introverted and so is likely to want her sofa, and her space. For me, this means any visits are absolutely out. Hope it goes well for you, and that DH steps up to protect you.

Lancelottie · 09/12/2015 09:48

Oh lord.

In my case, it was my mum coming from 4 hours away.

My inlaws drove over, admired the baby, made cups of tea, left a casserole, told us we were wonderful and quietly tiptoed to their car.

My bloody mother, on the other hand, decided that it would be helpful to reorganise the cupboards, remove the baby from DH because he would do it all wrong, wake me up from a stunned sleep to hoover the floor, wake me again at 2:30 pm to ask what I had planned for food that evening, then burst into tears when I growled that I didn't know, didn't care and surely it wouldn't take 4 hours to cook it anyhow.

She's normally quite sensible. Must have been some sort of secondhand hormones!

Original poster
pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 10:04

lancelottie your mum sounds like she went a bit bonkers for a while there!! I think that my MIL would genuinely be helping out - doing the cooking/cleaning etc, but it's more the fact that they will be there all the time. In terms of sleeping arrangements, we have one spare room and so BIL would be sleeping on a blow-up bed in the living room. Again, far from ideal as I may want to come downstairs with the baby early in the morning and would feel awkward about it. My DH has been very good about it, and has just said to them that we will need to see how I feel nearer the time - so that way we can easily say that I am just not feeling well enough to have a full house. Bloody family politics!!!

OP posts:
fflonkl · 09/12/2015 10:04

Oh god just say no! I'm 8 days post my second CS and BIL came for a quick visit last night - what a faff I had latching on my DD whilst trying to make sure boob wasn't on show (didn't have my bf apron to hand and DD was impatient!), when I normally just expose the whole thing.

If you ILs are just there it'll make bf a faff because you'll either have to do it with a cover all the time, or do your best to minimise boob on show, or absent yourself each time - and why should you have to in your own home?

Plus you'll still be bleeding and sore!

Atomik · 09/12/2015 10:11

For the sake of long term harmony, I think you two as a couple need to ride out any short term upset and hurt feelings that accompanies a kibosh on this stay with you for a fortnight idea.

I had a c-section and a baby .....and lost my tiny mind.

All my feelings were right on the surface, my diplomacy brake wasn't working and there was no molehill I couldn't turn to Everest. All before breakfast. Which was usually lunchtime because of the small, pink leech permenantly attached to me. After having kept me awake all night. Again.

As uncomfortable as it will be for the other parent-in-waiting to tell his parents that their plan doesn't suit you own plans, it will still be less uncomfortable than the potential alternative of one or both of you snapping under the pressure of extended stay, unwanted guests at the time you are least able to cope with it.

Those sorts of bust-ups can have a hangover for years. Whereas the alternative of putting them off will more likely be gotten over quite quickly because it's less dramatic and high emotion.

When you have to pick your poisen, the one that give a belly ache rather than potential necrosis of the innards ... tends to be the only sensible choice out of two unlikeable options.

Lancelottie · 09/12/2015 10:22

Umm, yes, the resentment can indeed simmer on for years. Shall I mention that PFB is now at university and I still haven't forgotten those first few days?

How about: 'No, no, darling MIL, I get really snarly and grumpy when I'm tired and sore, and I would hate for you to get caught in the crossfire! Please let my parents look after you so you can just enjoy the baby...'

BillBrysonsBeard · 09/12/2015 10:26

I was feeling better by two weeks but still wouldn't have wanted visitors staying! You'll still be figuring out a routine and adjusting, also it's a special time as just you guys. Your in laws do sound helpful so not like some of the post birth visitor horror stories I read on here! But yes they'll still always be there. I would compromise and say a few days only or insist they stay with your parents. I think it was different in previous generations, people seemed to always have all the family piled around and all the women helping out. We focus more on our own little family now (in general) and like our privacy.

Pythonesque · 09/12/2015 10:43

A lot depends on the level of helpfulness that you can anticipate, and the amount of space / layout of your house. Absolutely agree that staying with your parents sounds an ideal arrangement and then you can have people in your house as much or as little as actually works.

I remember my m-in-law managing to use all the frozen vegetables (carrots etc) that my mother had just prepared for me to use after everyone went home - before I even got home from hospital! This was when she'd totally failed to coordinate sequential visits with them despite being told the dates my mother was coming, and asked to communicate. Both sets of parents overseas in the same city so you'd think that them coordinating with each other was easier than doing it all via us ... (also my husband repeatedly said he'd look into arranging additional accommodation and didn't because he thought it would be fine to have both grandmothers staying for a couple of weeks - in a house where the spare bedroom was also the study, our toddler was in a box room, and yes we had a sofa bed in the living room. No other rooms....

JsOtherHalf · 09/12/2015 10:53

At a fortnight onwards past my CS i was spending hours overnight cup feeding, or using the supplementary system.
I had a nest on the sofa, with remote controls, water, etc.
I have never been so exhausted.

Don't do it.

Heatherplant · 09/12/2015 10:56

Lay the law down now and it will save future heartache. You will need your own space and privacy to recover from a big operation and you will still be bonding/possibly establishing Bfeeding etc. I speak from experience, my in laws are still banned from my home after their visit in 2014. If handled better at the time don't think the relationship would have been damaged as badly as it was.

SanityClause · 09/12/2015 11:05

I think staying with your parents is a good plan.

I do think though, that sometimes you need to compromise a bit, too. Your DM is right, you can retreat to your room. I understand it's your house, and you feel you should be able to sit in any part of it you like, but your baby is an addition to their family, too, who they will not get to see often. Is it really such a big ask for you to have to rest on your bed, sometimes, instead of the sofa?

They sound like they will be lovely and helpful, and if they agree to sleep at your DM's place, that seems a good compromise, all round.

Atomik · 09/12/2015 11:15

it really such a big ask for you to have to rest on your bed, sometimes, instead of the sofa?

Do we normally see that as a reasonable ask when somebody has just had surgery, stitches, or a huge life changing event ?

Or does the appearance of a baby trump all normal perspectives and place the person with the staples in the belly/fluffy bits lower down the totem pole of priorities than the non-walking-wounded...who want to feel like they are helping, even when their help is viewed more like a raging hindrance ?

There is a perfectly reasonable alternative solution. They stay with the other grandparents. There is no need at all for anybody to make such an ask of somebody who has just given birth and is getting used to a new baby.

Dameshazaba · 09/12/2015 11:28

I was still very ill recovering two weeks after c section. I think if you talk to mil about the gravity of the operation and the possibility of complications, I think she will understand it would be best to plan to stay at your parents. Best of luck Flowers

Hihohoho1 · 09/12/2015 11:32

Ffs what's your bils motive in all this? Bloody strange.

Anyway no op it would drive me crazy too.

If you had older kids can see that would help but all you need post first baby is up rest, feed baby and recover.

Batch coking and microwave meals are fine.

And what's with this stopping business? My first grandchild is due soon and don't get me wrong we are excited and eager to help but not stopping. Our idea is to see the baby, kiss dil and ds. Drop off food and take any ironing needed to go at our house.

Some people loose all sense when a new baby arrives.

Augustbaby22 · 09/12/2015 12:59

Hell no!

It's was bad enough I could only recover from my CS on paracetamol as I was allergic to every other painkiller but it wasn't until 3 weeks post op that I could actually walk to the bedroom or bathroom without thinking I was going to faint.

I stayed with my parents for 4 weeks after having my dd and for the first week when visitors would come round id say hello then let them have cuddles with dd whilst I went upstairs to sleep then my mum would bring dd up when she was due her next feed.

I was to tired to sit and make conversation see how you feel and your well with in your right to ask them to leave or go to your bedroom to relax, recovering is painful!

Good luck for next week!

cheesetoastiesrule · 09/12/2015 13:25

Ha ha ha ha.....no YANBU Grin

We've had similar with relatives who present it as wanting to "help", it's not help if it's unrequested and unwanted, it's just stress. Be firm now or you will have worse to come. My relationship with PILs has never been the same since DD1's first few months :-( She's at school now and I still feel stressed when I think about it...

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