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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want in-laws to come and stay 14 days after my C section?

149 replies

pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 08:18

We are due to have our first baby next week (ELCS for breech), and hubby's parents and his brother all want to come and stay with us for a week or two. The date that they are planning to arrive is 14 days after my ELCS. I am quite a private/introverted person, and even at the best of times I can feel quite overwhelmed at having them all to stay. They are lovely people, but my goodness they are loud (!). I know that they are just excited, and also that they want to help us with things around the house (which is lovely of them), but I'm worried about how I will feel so soon after getting home. My own parents live 10 minutes away, and they have space for the in-laws to stay - I had suggested this as an alternative, so that they can come and visit/spend plenty of time with us but also giving us space, but it went down like a lead balloon - MIL sounded really hurt. I realise that I sound very ungrateful, but I am honestly dreading the thought of it.

OP posts:

Hihohoho1 · 09/12/2015 16:44

Yes giant useless man child

expatinscotland · 09/12/2015 16:44

YANBU. It's major abdominal surgery and then there's a newborn to look after as well.

mrsmortis · 09/12/2015 17:04

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I get on really well with my MIL but when I had my first I was very glad when my DM offered a room for my PIL so that they could come and see the new baby but I didn't have to worry about feeding them etc. And that's with a MIL who walks in puts the kettle on and does the washing up!

We moved between babies so DM wasn't just in the next village and she did come to stay after the DD2 was born. But she waited until she was asked. Originally she was only going to come for a few hours to meet the new baby but I was feeling overwhelmed and when I asked her to stay and look after DD1 she was happy to do so, and that is what she did. She looked after a very hyper and excited 3 year old so that I could look after my new baby without DD1 feeling left out. And that was after an easy birth at home.

MissBattleaxe · 09/12/2015 17:47

I've just got visions of the FIL and BIL taking up the sofa, watching telly and waiting for women to bring them food and drink. Ooh I could pop I'm so cross!

OP your DH really needs to step up and have a word along the lines of "no overnight guests- it's blanket rule for both sides of the family. We're up all night and sleeping in the day time. Do visit in the afternoon though"

He needs to do this otherwise they will all unfairly blame you.

Sandsnake · 09/12/2015 19:46

Just to add another voice - YANBU and DO NOT back down! I had DC1 via ELCS four weeks ago. I was lucky enough that the op was textbook and my recovery had been swift. I felt strong emotionally and BF went really

Sandsnake · 09/12/2015 19:50

Doh! Posted too soon after DS startled on my lap! Continued ... BF was going well (relatively speaking). Even so the thought of anyone - even my own parents - staying with us fills me with dread. You absolutely need your own space - this is essential. You cannot get the time back when your baby is tiny. I cannot over-emphasise how important this is that you stand firm and don't let them stay. I guarantee that once you give birth you will totally get what I mean! Good luck with everything

Youcantscaremeihavechildren · 09/12/2015 19:56

My parents stayed with us a week after dd was born by elcs for breech, then the in laws. It nearly finished me off. Although having the help when DH was back at work was great, as I have a dodgy back and didn't recover easily. With ds, I had him at home, we had one quick visit where no one touched the baby the next day then mil visited a week or two later, just for a few days, but it was helpful to have her there to entertain dd.

They need to be told that you need your space. And why is the brother coming too? How ridiculous! No matter how helpful house guests are, you won't be able to relax with them there. Can your mum talk to his mum? Put it like "I'm so glad we're close, it means we don't have to stay over and impose on them just as they're getting used to a new baby, we can be really useful by popping in to cook meals and help out etc", maybe get her to offer the place to stay again then?

Youcantscaremeihavechildren · 09/12/2015 20:01

Oh, and should say, even though I found recovery hard, that was due to really bad back problems so don't worry, it's not usual! I found the actual delivery lovely, had lots of skin to skin after and was very relaxed and had no problems bf. I still would want to go through those next few weeks with coming downstairs to "we'll, did she sleep?!??? All night???" You'd think after the nth time of saying no and mumbling fuck off under my breath they'd learn!

unimaginativename13 · 09/12/2015 20:25

My MIL FIL BIL DN turned up uninvited to the hospital half hour after I'd given birth, sitting on the bed post labour, leaking everywhere and the baby had been whisked off to neonatal. Now that ruined my life.

Just be firm whatever you want.

Clarabell33 · 09/12/2015 20:39

YANBU. I frequently lost it (to close friends and my mum only, in private) with the duration of my in-laws' visits when DS was born, and they were only coming for day visits that went on for 12 bloody hours until I was ready to kill them. So definitely either they or you stay with your mum, no houseguests unless and until you actively want them.

She also said that if I need peace/space just to say that I need to rest & go up to my bedroom. But it's my house and if I want to rest on the sofa I should be able to I think.

The number one rule after DS was born was that everyone cleared out of whatever room I was in whenever I wanted needed them to, usually for feeding so I could just get the boob out instead of faffing with tops with daft slits or scarves or whatever, but also sometimes for making adjustments (tmi but maternity pads are huge and not overly comfortable, especially on nether regions that have been battered, bruised and sliced to bits so there was a lot of whimpering, weeping and fidgeting going on on my sofa!). So make sure that your DH is fully on side with ordering his family out of the living room, and that he will physically usher them out if need be. Whether this means they are all standing around in the kitchen, making themselves useful, or just hovering outside the closed living room door, not your problem and maybe they'll take the hint and either do something useful or leave. Unlike mine who all went and sat in the kitchen, ate all the snack food I'd just had delivered from Tesco, used most of the mugs and milk and left a mess. When I limped through for a drink, I did get ever-so-slightly high-pitched and they all rushed to clear up and DH made a trip to Tesco before they left.

I did relax on this after a while, once I had recovered a bit and established bf, and was happy feeding in front of people, but my BILs still leave the room at the merest hint of boob

unimaginativename13 · 09/12/2015 20:49

Another point was even if you don't mind the people being there I never realised how much I would hate people playing pass the baby.

Dreading Xmas

toffeeboffin · 09/12/2015 21:00

Do not under any circumstances have them to stay.

DS was breech too, so EMCS. MIL and FIL came to stay when he was around 4 days old, under the pretense of 'helping'.

They were a total fucking ball ache and did nothing. Nothing. Just made a mess and annoyed me. Trying to BF, recover from CS, take care of newborn etc, it was all too much. Really resented them because of it.

WordGetsAround · 09/12/2015 21:07

'You won't be nearly well enough for that kind of visit. Neither physically nor emotionally. You probably won't realise it until six months, but you won't be up to many things for quite a while.'

I don't know how someone can say this with such conviction. I've had 3 sections and would have managed - both physically and emotionally - after all of them. I know having a baby and major surgery is hard, but many people recover very quickly and don't have problems afterwards. I think it's crazy to suggest that a stranger will in no way be able to cope with a visit from relatives in the weeks after birth - let alone stating categorically that they won't for 6 months afterwards!!

April2013 · 09/12/2015 21:16

Oh this makes me mad, yanbu! Outside my local labour ward there is a huge sign asking visitors to limit their visit to visiting hours and not go over for various reasons - infection control, mother\father\baby need time to bond, mother needs to recover, privacy and dignity of mother..plus there were a few more I can't remember. So visits are fine but just visits, it does make me mad when relatives put their own needs over the needs of the parents and do the whole guilt trip thing, I understand they are excited but you are the parents not them and they should be doing whatever you want and need. Be very firm if necessary, you and the baby are the most important people here and you deserve to have things as you want and to be allowed to play it by ear. I tried to keep everyone happy with my first and I'm not going to do that with my second, have learnt my lesson.

MissBattleaxe · 09/12/2015 23:05

Word- it's not a visit though. It's three adults moving in for two weeks. A visit is manageable. Having overnight guests is a piss take.

Iggi999 · 09/12/2015 23:08

A newborn is bf so often that there is no way I would be heading off to the bedroom each time. But it's not easy to have the confidence/ability to just feed regardless of the audience.
They need to stay somewhere else, or make a shorter visit.

slithytove · 10/12/2015 01:48

If your DH had stitches in his abdomen, cramping, bleeding from his penis, milk and aching from his nipples, and no sleep - would he want 3 of your family staying there for a fortnight?

slithytove · 10/12/2015 01:49

After my section, I went up the stairs once a day. To bed. Because it was fucking agony. If I had to go up every time I wanted to bf because I had unwanted visitors I'd hit the fucking roof.

MissBattleaxe · 10/12/2015 06:56

Good point silthytove. This would never be expected of men.

Floralnomad · 10/12/2015 07:15

I have not read the full thread and obviously it's up to you who comes to stay ,personally I don't have guests that stay because I'm antisocial when it comes to my home at breakfast however I would just like to point out that 2 weeks post my ELCS I was doing everything I would have usually done - the school run ,shopping , visiting my horses ,driving - not everyone's experience is the same .

diddl · 10/12/2015 07:19

"This would never be expected of men."

Well tbf we don't know as they don't give birth!

The problem is that people "expect" to see the baby and I really think a lot of people think that they won't be in the way & that they will be helpful.

They don't seem to think that just being there is irritation enough.

Tbh I think that I'd be saying a no straight away to BIL.

I don't think thatit's fair on your mum to put him us as wellas the ILs.

And although I think that them being there rather than with you is much better, will they still be planning to spend the whole day with you?

Expecting your mum to run around after them so that they just have time with baby?

megletthesecond · 10/12/2015 07:31

Now I've had dc's I wouldn't dream of visiting someone with a new baby, especially when they're finding their feet with their first. I felt like a zoo exhibit while they chatted over me.

Xenadog · 10/12/2015 07:36

A thousand times no. I don't think you should have visitors to stay after having a baby (by whatever means) unless they are genuinely going to come and help you and put your needs before their desire to play with the baby.

Two weeks? Three people? No chance. If they are hurt/offended or whatever it's tough. I had a c section and my stitches burst a week later it wasn't pretty but this was because I'd been doing too much once I had come home. I was still making the fucking ILs bed up for them later that day so they had clean sheets! It was my own fault (dp said he'd do it) but I felt obliged to look after and entertain them. Even now I wish they hadn't stayed at ours.

Let them stay at a hotel and pop around and see you. If that doesn't suit then they're not that interested are they?

I always felt like my ILs stayed because they we're too tight to pay for a hotel and I resent them even now. Don't put yourself in this position OP.

Krampus · 10/12/2015 07:43

I agree with a straight no to your bil, couldn't imagine having a grown up bil hanging around for that long after you've had a baby and all the intimate medical issues that can arise from that.

Laughing at the suggestion that you should go up to your room if you want peace and quiet. That's what you need after a section, unnecessary stair climbing.

Cattington · 10/12/2015 07:51

The suggestion of staying to help after the birth should be just that. A suggestion. One that you can take up or pass on depending on how you feel at the time.

My dd recently had her first baby and I offered to help in any way she and her dh wanted. If that meant popping in for short visits/staying for a few weeks or conversely, staying away for a few weeks - then that was for her to decide. I also said that she was entitled to change her mind at any time regarding what she wanted/needed.

It's ok to be very clear and what you want. If that doesn't go down well, then at this moment in time, that is not your problem.

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