Downstairs neighbour complaining about my breastpump, AIBU not to change rooms at night?

[Cealee]

Just bought a new powerful pump as I'm exclusively expressing. We live in a flat that's split over 2 levels so our bedroom is on 1st floor, our lounge upstairs on 2nd floor. Our neighbour (on ground floor) caught me in hall to ask what the 'mechanical noise' is that wakes her up I explained its my breastpump and that I need to express at 11pm, 3am and 7am to maintain supply. She said it makes ceiling vibrate and is very loud (even though it's not on the floor it's on a cushion on my bedside table!) She asked me to do it upstairs. I explained this isn't practical as my DH wears earplugs so I need to be able to hear baby if he wakes. She suggested I take baby upstairs with me!! Why should I have to move my sleeping baby upstairs (and risk waking him) every time I express milk? He's just started sleeping through and got used to his cot. And there's no way I'm going to move cot upstairs and sleep on sofa for the next 8months

AIBU to think it's rude to tell someone not to express milk in their own bedroom? It's not like I'm playing loud music! I don't see why neighbour can't just get some earplugs!

Right, but it sounds like he was still pitching in which is more than we can say for OP's.

Quite. But I still don't agree that night duties should be shared when one parent is at home and one is at work. A paycheck is very important. When DD was born DP was in a new job, with a bullying boss. He was on a knife-edge of anxiety and almost getting sacked. There is no way that he should have been up half the night too.

primal

I'm not saying her DH needs to be up half the night. But even if she's in the same room, and the baby cries, she shouldn't have to stop pumping to tend to the baby. She's already working by pumping. He can get up give the baby a bottle, cuddle him in bed, then hand him back when OP is done and let her finish rocking him to sleep or let her put it in so he doesn't have to get out of bed.

It may not be ideal but her DH is against FF, and it sounds like OP is keeping at it for him. So he can help out while she pumps for their baby.

Senpai it wasn't even you I quoted in the first place. It was this:

"And no - its not normal for you to do all the nights as you're on mat leave"

I still would not have wanted DP to do what you listed above. He needed his sleep to get safely to work, pay our huge mortgage and keep his job. The nights were my job.

Primal Actually, you quoted it after I posted, then you responded to me without me ever interjecting. I wasn't butting in on a random conversation here, I was responding to what you wrote to me. Not what you said to someone else.

But that's besides the point.

I stick with what I said. If her DP is going to be dictating with how the baby is fed, he needs to lend a hand. She can't just go to sleep and ignore the baby while he is working. She has to step up and take care of her child. He can do the same while she is working.

A sleep deprived mother like the OP is just as dangerous to a baby's safety as a sleep deprived man is to a car's safety. There is no needs trump in this scenario. They both need equal sleep for basic health and safety of those around them, to do that they need to work together. The OP is working, so DH takes baby. When DH is working OP takes baby. It's basic team work. If her DH doesn't like it, then he needs to support her with alternative feeding like it seems she wants to do.

You learn to cope and drink coffee. Lots of coffee. Then you learn to function on less sleep. It's not pleasant, but it's par the course of being a parent.

Your scenario doesn't compare. You were feeding a baby, doing one job: feeding the baby. Which is great, I don't want to take that away from you. You were not juggling two jobs at once that were incompatible: aka: pumping and getting up to tend to a baby.

It's great it worked with you and DH, he still FF at night so you could get sleep. OP's DH isn't doing that. So when do you expect her to sleep?

My DH works long hours in a hugely stressful job and I do almost all night wakings with baby because I am a SAHM and I am breastfeeding so only I can feed baby anyway but sometimes I hand baby to DH in the night so I can change sicky sheets etc and DH is only too happy to help. DH also insists on rocking our colicky baby and looking after him in the evenings until he falls asleep around 11pm, sometimes midnight so that I can get some sleep in preparation for the middle of the night feed.
It doesn't matter if a DP works long stressful hours they still have a baby which they presumably willingly created and most patners would want to help their babies by ensuring that mum gets enough sleep to be able to cope and look after baby properly. My husbands job is hugely important as he is the breadwinner but our children and our health still take precedence. I do try to minimise how much DH needs to do in the middle of the night and I try not to disturb him most nights but him doing the 'evening baby shift' is really helpful.
It sounds like OPs DH doesn't even help out when their baby is crying during the evening but perhaps I am wrong.
I find it really odd that a dad of a new baby would sleep with earplugs in so that he can ignore his baby all night , every night.

This is hilarious, this thread has gone from inconsiderate neighbour to 1950's housewife top trumps. The fact remains that she is behaving like an entitled arse and however big your mortgage is/stressful your partners job is its your child and therefore you cannot opt out and let others suffer.

Senpai I was trying to discuss the general opinion that dads should share in the night wakings despite needing to go to work. Not this specific one - the OP's husband sounds like a bit of an arse (but the OP does say he helps out in the evenings).

I have not said that my DP never got up, but that I disagree over the whole 'the dad should be up too' thing that some PP were saying. When I was on mat leave that was my responsibility, but we shared it when I went back to work. When we tried to wean from night wakings at about 9 months he got up rather than me.

I am allowed to disagree you know.

Yes you can get through on coffee. I've had two kids who were shit sleepers until they were 3, so have plenty of experience.

I don't think the OP mentions being sleep deprived.

I am far from 1950s housewife by the way

Saw this and thought of you OP
m.youtube.com/watch?v=_bRNaMtJHeo

chipped

Pmsl @chipped

HangingBasket - are you saying that the OP's neighbour was always an entitled arse, or that she is being a bit of one now?

If it's the former, I would disagree with you - it's hardly entitled behaviour to want not to be woken at 3am every night, by something your neighbour is doing - that is perfectly reasonable, imo.

However, if you are suggesting the neighbour is being a bit entitled now, I might agree - the OP has made efforts to minimise the noise the pump makes, and I think the neighbour should give it a night or two, to see if that makes a difference to whether she wakes or not, before saying she can still hear it - obviously, it can still be heard (faintly) in her bedroom, but that doesn't mean it's still going to wake her up.

Complaining about a colicky baby who's crying all evening, until late - I am on the fence about that. On the one side, if you have a colicky baby who cries, you can't wave a magic wand and change that - it will stop, in time, but until then, I bet the OP would love not to have the baby crying all evening too - that must be really difficult for her. But, from the neighbour's perspective, it must be pretty unpleasant to have a baby crying next door, until 11pm or later every night - not as unpleasant as it is for the OP, but pretty annoying nonetheless.

I think, if you have a baby who is going to disturb your neighbours every night, until late, you need to do what you can to minimise the impact on them, within the bounds of what is reasonable for your own family life - you need to compromise a bit, and the neighbour does too - they need to realise that a colicky baby is not something a parent chooses or can, in general control, that it is making life very difficult for the mum, and that the colic will settle down eventually, so maybe the neighbour could be a bit more understanding.

SDT - as in the OP is being an entitled arse! Agree not on for neighbour to complain about the crying but odd that the 'complaint' was only mentioned after the noisy pump comment.

The neighbour could obviously understand the difficulties for the parents of a crying baby and didn't mention it but the new mechanical noise on top of the crying was obviously the final straw, esp as the neighbour asked about the solution of moving rooms for expressing which the OP didn't want to do?

Oops - sorry for misreading, HangingBasket!

ceebie you have a vair similar username and vastly different PoV from most here.... Just saying wink

Haha, hadn't spotted that! Nope, I've been here a long time and never NC.

I'd also like to think that if I did NC to support myself on a thread, I'd be a bit more cunning about it than to choose such a similar name!

The whole thread seems to come down to whether or not we believe that the noise is now sufficently quiet to be considered reasonable.

Most seem to still believe that it is unreasonably noisy.

I just can't believe that a breast pump which is on a bed and is muffled by mats is really that loud.

However, I guess the only way we'll really know is is we all turn up to the OP's downstairs neighbour's flat at 3am and listen...

I said that the neighbour should give it a few nights, to see if the noise was still waking her up - and that hopefully, once she knew that the OP had tried to reduce the noise, she'd be able to relax, and sleep through the remaining level of noise.

I can sympathize with the neighbor. Because I am being woken up every evening around midnight as well as 530am -7 days a week and it is horrible, and because it's a breast-pump the normal rules don't apply where I live and my neighbor has tried to make no accommodations to filter out the noise. It actually sounds like a running treadmill in case you feel the sound is faint it is not. It's not really fair on the neighbor to be woken by the pump you had the child not them and sleep deprivation can cause major health issues try to compromise with your neighbor its not asking too much. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate them playing loud music all hours of the evening and waking your baby a mechanical breast pump that makes life easier its not a necessity

Zombieeeee

The thread is 2 years old.

I really think the OP has moved on from the breast pump.

I really think the OP has moved on from the breast pump.

But is probably still just as much of an arse as she was two years ago.

Just bottle feed !!!

I can’t believe people are saying YABU! You are in your own home expressing milk for your baby. If she has a problem then I am with you, suggest she invests in some ear plugs or moves her bed/bedroom. I find it an absolute cheek that someone would dictate where you can do something in your own home. If it was playing music at 4am that would be different but you are expressing milk for your baby!

You have a baby and your DH is wearing earplugs?! "Sigh".. anyway.

You can use a hand pump for the 3am session specifically. I presume your neighbour isn't complaining about the other sessions. Or you could feed your baby at night. This is easily resolved. Unless you want to argue with your neighbour but you may find if you make other people's lives difficult, they will return the favour.

You seem noisy anyway, getting up and using a loud motorised breast pump several times. Possibly your DH is right to wear earplugs. Your neighbour may not want to though.

At the end of the day, you made changes to your life by having a child. Your neighbour didn't. They are essentially experiencing the restless nights of any new mother without having a baby. She will have her own life to lead, whether that is going to work, or just functioning the next day. It is very unreasonable to expect someone to alter their life to fit in around yours.
On the flip side, I know you're trying to do the best you can for your baby. I know how it feels. You are trying to follow the guidelines about being in the same room as Baby but in reality, you can leave them for 15 minutes during the night. What do you do when you want a shower and the baby is sleeping? Or the toilet? Surely you don't taken them with you? Grab a monitor if you want reassurance.
Please don't be that person who makes other peoples lives more difficult.