Downstairs neighbour complaining about my breastpump, AIBU not to change rooms at night?

[Cealee]

Just bought a new powerful pump as I'm exclusively expressing. We live in a flat that's split over 2 levels so our bedroom is on 1st floor, our lounge upstairs on 2nd floor. Our neighbour (on ground floor) caught me in hall to ask what the 'mechanical noise' is that wakes her up I explained its my breastpump and that I need to express at 11pm, 3am and 7am to maintain supply. She said it makes ceiling vibrate and is very loud (even though it's not on the floor it's on a cushion on my bedside table!) She asked me to do it upstairs. I explained this isn't practical as my DH wears earplugs so I need to be able to hear baby if he wakes. She suggested I take baby upstairs with me!! Why should I have to move my sleeping baby upstairs (and risk waking him) every time I express milk? He's just started sleeping through and got used to his cot. And there's no way I'm going to move cot upstairs and sleep on sofa for the next 8months

AIBU to think it's rude to tell someone not to express milk in their own bedroom? It's not like I'm playing loud music! I don't see why neighbour can't just get some earplugs!

why does this thread have so many post?

neighbour isn't elderly, whichever PP said that.

I've read this thread from start to finish and op you comes across as being totally unreasonable. But at the back of my mind something with your dh doesn't sit right. I wonder whether the excuse of needing to be near baby, to sooth him and get a better volume of milk actually translates to your scared of tge baby waking your dh and will do absolutely anything to stop this happening. Including not Ff because he doesn't like it. What would happen if he was disturbed by the baby?
Op are you more worried about upsetting your dh rather than your neighbour?

And you are more bothered about upsetting him than upsetting the neighbours ... Yabu for not telling him to fuck off.

Actually she isn't...we don't know why the op would rather piss off her neighbour than her dh. I can hazard a guess though.

Agree with different that it is concerning that op is so concerned with keeping her partner happy.

So the issue isnt the next door neighbour but the selfish asshole husband?

He is against FF, I wonder why? Could it be that he would have to take his turn at feeding the baby? The same goes for expressing being unnecessary, he has to take his turn. He wears earplugs and thinks the nights are all your thing?

I suggest you move OP.

Leave your selfish arsehole husband where he is and move somewhere else. You will be doing exactly what you are now (possibly less as you can mix feed if you so choose) and he gets his sleep.

If I was upstairs and baby started crying it would be full-blown screaming by the time I'd detached from pump and got downstairs (which would no doubt annoy neighbour more than pump). So it makes sense on many levels to pump in same room.

Yes, it makes sense to stay in the room if you've decided not to budge on the issue and can provide examples of how you've made accommodations when a complaint is filed. From there it is up to the LL to add better insulation if reasonably low noises are still being heard. There are inexpensive ways to do this and something like that should fall to him to fix, just like a leaky pipe.

But saying a baby will scream the house down if you're not there as a reason is fucking absurd. Why wouldn't your DH get up with baby? Ear plugs block out noise, but they won't block out a screaming baby right next to you. If he's sleeping through a baby crying right next to him, he's "sleeping". There's a bigger problem than "needing" to pump in the room.

I FF and DH was happy to take night shifts while I slept because he's a night owl anyway. I'd grab her in the mornings and he'd grab her during the midnight feeds.

But even when I tried BFing, he would get up to bring me DD so I could feed her and then rock her back to sleep when I was done. When I was struggling he ran out and got breast pads, cream, and I believe he made calls to the lactation consultant for me to ask questions. You should not be doing this all on your own. A baby is a team effort. You need the support of your partner and you need him to let you sleep. When I wanted to switch to formula he supported me and was thrilled to take over so I could finally get more than a 2 hour nap.

So, no. A woman does not typically take over all baby duties while she's on maternity leave. That time is for your body to heal physically and emotionally from having a baby. This is his child too, he needs to pitch in.

I can understand why the OP isn't so understanding of her neighbour (although I agree with pretty much everyone that the neighbour is not being unreasonable).

If the neighbour is exhausted and fed up due to her third hand experience of the baby, then goodness knows how the OP is holding together at all.

This baby has to be walked around from 5pm to 11pm (sometimes 1pm) or he screams, and the OP is also waking in the middle of the night to pump. It doesn't sound as if her dh is helping very much at all, and he is also being completely unreasonable with his opinion that his wife needs to do everything 'right' and that he shouldn't be disturbed in any way by the baby.

OP are you getting any support with the colic issue? My dd had to be walked about at night, but never for quite so long, and my dh did the majority of the walking (I did the night feeds). When you have a baby it's a shared responsibility, not something that fathers can opt out of.

I may be way off the mark here but I get the feeling that the husband is very controlling and the OP is scared of going against him or doing anything that would annoy him. If that's right then you really need to consider if this is affecting other areas of your life too, and if so is this really the kind of relationship example you want for you child to grow up with.

How much latching help have you had? Do you have breastfeeding help other than from a HV who are pretty useless? I had major latching issues with my second (who is also 11 weeks). It took 3 different breastfeeding supporters before 1 told me something so simple that enabled my daughter to latch on properly for the first time in days. You use your middle and index finger like scissors (think it's called the scissor technique or scissor action or something) and put them over the breast so one finger above and one below the nipple and gently squeeze to change the shape of your nipple.

You may have tried this but as I said it took 3 different breastfeeding supporters to suggest that. The NCT breastfeeding helpline could put you in touch with someone if they haven't already. You may have done all this but as you haven't mentioned anyone other than a HV I thought it was worth mentioning.

Are you scared of your DH? If so, I think you need to have a long hard think about your relationship. I still think YABU, but can almost see why. You are looking for someone to blame, and you'd rather blame your poor neighbour.

I thought OPs baby was sleeping through, but why does he need to be walked around, and why should he wake up scream while OP expresses? Or have I missed something?

And no - its not normal for you to do all the nights as you're on mat leave

Yes it is, for lots of people.

Choco, baby has colic 5-11.

Let's not get carrried away. There has been nothing in the OP's posts to suggest she's scared of the baby waking her husband, just that she worries about him driving when he's tired. They seem as unreasonable as each other, not that one is controlling and one is living in fear.

....um....

Crazy spell- lady post reported as spam...

Jessi came. Fnar.

Omg, what has happened to this thread. Op now getting marriage advice! Well done for talking to neighbour op. My husband also has a stressful job and long commute. Of course I will therefore do the majority of night wake ups. Doesn't mean he will not help if asked, or that we have trouble with our marriage!

OP

I have BF four children and also done a long commute and had a big job and expressed a lot. I have also lived in London flats. I have been there.

But given the state of play here and the major latching issue and all the stress from loads of people I think you need to ask yourself why you are battling.

For healthy middle class children in clean Western homes the advantages of BF over FF are really very minor. Don't feel you have to battle with expressing on that account.

I could advise you to seek out La Leche or nursing consultants to look at tongue tie, or recommend videos about lead back breastfeeding or all sorts of other things, but on this occasion I am going to say this. It would be perfectly OK to give yourself permission to do things another way and give your baby FF to make like easier and less fraught.

Spellcheck

laid back breastfeeding

If you have a lead back your pillow isn't supporting you properly

Senpai - everyone is different. In my case, DP was 'pitching in' by going to work and paying the mortgage, doing overtime to keep us afloat, bathing and putting DS to bed, and giving him two (FF) bottles in the evening so I could go to bed early. The last thing I wanted was him getting up in the night too and risking his job. IMO night feeds should be as quiet and fast as possible, not a whole-family event.

Op has made it sound like she does all the walking round between 5-11 or 1am. And given she is expressing every 4 hours at the whim of her DH, Primalass your situation sounds rather different.

I think it sounds like an incredibly unbalanced relationship. Any man who insists his wife/partner experesses every 4 hours because HE doesn't agree with FF is an utter arse. OP should tell him that. IF as a family, they still decide to express, the aforementioned arse should at least take responsibility for minimising the pain for everyone. That includes taking his earplugs out so he can look after the baby, whilst his wife does the only decent thing possible and expresses upstairs. The upstairs neighbours are probably not such light sleepers, and may have had less disturbance from the baby crying. Whilst that is not anyone's fault, I would have sympathy for the neighbours who had to listen to it, as well as for the parents. But whilst you can be sympathetic to that, to wilfully keep expressing somewhere that is upsetting a neighbour is just selfish and anti social. OP if your DH is telling you it is your neighbours problem, don't believe him. 500 odd other people are giving you a less self motivated perspective.

I am a light sleeper, and in my student days, the fridge in the next door building used to hum at night. It used to drive me nuts. Ear plugs give me ear infections if I use them too often. Show some compassion and consideration for goodness sake.

No more advice to add to the others, but just wanted to say;

WELL DONE YOU FOR EXPRESSING EXCLUSIVELY FOR ELEVEN WEEKS!

It's a nightmare and you're a champion for getting so far.

But yeah, your neighbour will be around long after the pump, so best seek a compromise.

Primal, except the OP's husband certainly isn't doing any FFing, and I very much doubt he helps in other ways either.

Oh, and when you tell your neighbour that you will express upstairs (assuming you will do the right thing), get your neighbour a little Christmas present to say sorry. I'm not sure she isn't a little unreasonable too, but you should still be apologising.